Fat Passing for Thin

I did not make this statement up.  Stephanie Klein over at Greek Tragedy did and I remember reading this entry years ago when I was not working at work when I should have been.

I remember thinking, I am fat passing for thin!  At this time in my life, I was thinner than I am now.  I was living by myself most of the time, I was compulsively working out, I was eating sporadically, sometimes only candy and diet soda, but I was skinny for me and I was happy.  I was also firm in the realization that this thin wouldn't stick.  I was skinny because I was focused on it.  I was determined to be this way at least for a little while.  I was starving for a man.  I was hoping to attract one with my body.

And I did.  I attracted an asshat.  I attracted the Awful Ex.  He preyed on my insecurities.  He saw me for who I was, a fat girl passing for thin.  He knew it was smoke and mirrors.  He felt my hunger and he fed me.  And I became fat again.  I became a fat girl longing for thin and 3 years later I am still this girl.

I don't want to long to be thin anymore.  I don't want to pass for it temporarily anymore either.  I want to actually be a normal healthy weight for life because I know I can be.  Screw thin, I just don't want to be fat anymore.