Thursday, January 31, 2013


I am stuck.

Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

I know why I am frozen in one place.

Because I am terrible at transitions.

I know I am leaving here in September and I have unfinished business to attend to before I depart.

I have clients to make happy, a body to get into a good place for me, and friends to support.

I want to do what I have to do, but I can't.  Something happened work-wise this past summer and it scared me.  I felt like a failure.  I felt embarrassed.  BUT, I learned from my mistakes.  I will share the situation soon, I am finally feeling ready to write it all out and put the past behind me. It needed to happen.  I feel it was the final door that needed to close.  I felt mortified in front of people from my past, but I hate (hate is a strong word, not respect is more like it) them all anyway, so it was more that I put myself in a pit of stupidity that I always knew existed and I reached my threshold.  I exploded and tears came out...oy.

I do have strep throat and a fever and have since Monday, the fever that is.  My temperature is down to 100, so it is about to break, I can feel it.  So, I have a little excuse, but part of working for yourself is simply the pleasure of emailing from bed in PJs sometimes.

I know it is the depression sneaking up on me and I have no reason to be depressed.  No reason.  I know I need to go to the gym and do a spin class and track my food and I will indeed feed better.  Moving my body makes me grateful for having it.  It is a gift. This darkness sneaks in once and a while and the only safe place for me is my pillow.

I have had a bit of business success.  I have a boyfriend who is everything I wished and dreamed for.  I have invitations coming in and accolades in favor of my work and dedication.

I am stuck because I am procrastinating.  Because my confidence was ruffled, because I am ALL or nothing.

I have things that need to be done and I simply would rather be watching the Bad Girls Club and eating McNuggets.  Both are bad for me.

I am so sure that I won't be here in a year that I feel like saying F**K IT and going on a long vacation somewhere with some great books. Telling clients to find someone else to help them....what is the point?  This is SO NOT me, I promise, I love my job most of the time and I am finally getting pretty good at at.

I don't want to give up, I want to go out with a bang.  Now is the perfect time to thrive, not fail.

I am going to make a mini goal for today.

Email and return all current emails in my work inbox before midnight tonight.  I slept in super late, so it can happen.

It shouldn't be hard.

I know what I have to do.  I am better than what I am giving out.

I came here to journal it to make it real.

It will all get done.

I will feel SO much better when it finally does.

I know this.

Everything needs to be completed, so I can continue working on myself.

Here goes!!!!

Mean Like a Snake

I am not a perfect person.  I have many flaws.  One of them is my temper.

When I was a little girl, I would have massive tantrums.  My parents tell me that I would get so heated that I would bang my head on the tile kitchen floor and leave welts all over my forehead.  My dad would be embarrassed to take me out in public.  Charming.

As I have gotten older, I can control my temper most of the time, but when I am frustrated, I do still feel the rage burning inside of me, trying to find a way to bubble and seep out of me........

Instead of banging my head against the floor, I can become horribly mean.  My mom says that I become, "mean like a snake."  Vicious.  Especially if you are related to me or a very close friend of mine.  If I love you, I may show you the worst side of myself sometimes.

Crush had to withstand some of these bouts of meanness over his stay to meet the family.

The things I lashed out at him about were not at all his fault and had to do with the fact that I was tired, hungry, and sick.  I am so mature.  I freak out at my man like a baby.

I know we are for real because he called me out on it after our lovely weekend together.  He should have.  I believe in constantly improving.  I hope to always be the best I can be and I know Crush feels the same way.

I can only get better with some careful constructive criticism.

Crush was very diplomatic and kind in the way he phrased how I needed to work on improving my harshness and temper.  He offered me specific examples of things I did that hurt his feelings and told me that he agrees with many of my criticisms, but not with how I say them.  He said, "darling, it isn't what you say, but how you say it that bothers me."

At first, I became very sad and insulted and hurt.  Then, I actually listened to what he was saying and I had to agree with him.  I was not being the best partner I could be.  I was beginning to already take his kindness for granted and that was wrong of me for countless reasons.

I need Crush in my life forever and I need to treat him like the gift he is.

I am glad he could be open with me because communication is key.

Yes, we had a little bump in our road, but no flat tires yet.  We are stronger than ever and this snake hopes to hiss a bit less moving forward.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wheat Free

Alright.....I am SO not into fad diets.  I have always believed that calories in and calories burned will help me lose weight.  I know that the times that I have been successful with my weight loss, it has been because of my diet mostly (or lack of because I starved myself)...the workouts help tone, but I can't eat whatever I want just because I head to the gym.

I am always looking for the easy fix.  20 years after my first diet, I am STILL trying to figure out what will work for me, it is exhausting and I am going to conquer it.  I know I will.

I am so sick of riding the weight roller coaster: restrict, binge, restrict, binge, restrict, etc.

As I shared last week, I have been journaling my food patterns and lately, it became very clear to me that processed wheat (crackers, bread, bagels, cookies, and cereal specifically) give me the urge to binge.  I researched it and I am not the only person that cannot control themselves with these items once they start.

For real, when these foods touch my lips, I literally lose control.  I zone out and feel myself slipping into bad and destructive habits.  Yet, it is a safe and familiar place.  I know it is bad, but it feels so good.  I am like Eve with her apple or Pandora with her box....I know inside the outcome will be negative, but the instant pull of gratification is too strong for me to resist.

I am a food addict, a wheat addict specifically.  Give me a bag of honey wheat pretzel rods or a box of Wheat Thins and I will black out until only crumbs are left. I will then feel so ashamed and defeated, that I will have to lay down in order to center myself.  I fall asleep and wake up with a food hangover.  It is self destructive behavior.  I do it to myself.

For the last few days, I have been journaling my food choices and I have been trying to avoid wheat when I can.  It is a good first step for me, I do not think I can avoid dairy, I love cheese too much and can control myself around it.  It was always the vehicle for cheese (bread and crackers) that I couldn't stop myself around, not the cheese.

I am feeling very in control.  A general eating day for me has been like this:

Breakfast - 
2 eggs made in butter
1 slice of cheddar cheese melted on eggs
1 banana
Coffee with cream and sugar

Lunch -
1 cup brown rice
1 cup peas
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 TBSP butter melted on rice
3 oz of chicken breast
1/2 cup 4 percent cottage cheese

Snack - 
1 small bag of kettle potato chips
1 tall vanilla latte made with 2 percent milk

Dinner -
3 cups of romaine lettuce
1 small tomato
1 small cucumber
1/4 cup of feta cheese
4 oz of steak
2 TBSP balsamic vinaigrette dressing
14 almonds
1 small apple

Snack - 
4 cups of air popped popcorn with 1 TBSP of olive oil and 2 TBSPs of parmesan cheese
2 squares of dark chocolate

I have never been so satisfied.  I am actually quite surprised.  I am full after meals and snacks.  Prior to this, I was starving all of the time.   I literally counted the minutes between meals, ALL I could think about was my next opportunity to eat, I fantasized about it.

I am going to keep this up as long as I can because I am really feeling even and positive.  For now, I am just practicing eating for satisfaction and not counting calories.  I am trying to learn my hunger signals which are totally out of whack from years and years of eating for emotional fulfillment.

Once I get the hungry and full signals rewired, I will tackle calories, so I can continue on my weight loss journey.  At this time, I just want to take one little baby step at a time, so I can get my head around it all.

I will keep you posted!

Weekend in Review

I am back in action!  Crush left yesterday afternoon and I miss him already.  We had such a wonderful time together and my family LOVES him, even my grandmother and she doesn't love anyone....

The entire weekend felt relaxed, natural, easy, and stress-free.

I am so proud to take Crush around and have him be mine.  We took some lovely walks hand in hand, kissed on street corners, and shared milkshakes (1 glass, 2 straws!)....I felt like I was in a movie.

At a few points, I got a bit nervous that we could see Awful as I introduced Awful to many of my favorite places while we were dating and then they became his favorite places.  I didn't want to censor my choices in where I would take Crush, so I decided to take him to the places that are significant to me and my experience in this city.  Before we went out to the one place that I thought we could possibly see Awful, I told him that if we did, I would let him know and then we could smile and say hi and he was fine with it.  I can be such a paranoid person....we never saw Awful of course. The fact that Crush allowed me to have a mini meltdown about it was very him, so caring and accepting of all of my neuroses.

The family meeting went just as I expected it would, everyone loves each other!  Crush reminds me so much of my dad.  The second night we got together, my dad and Crush even wore the same outfit!  I thought it was hilarious.  My dad thought it was telling and said, "it makes sense, your mom dresses me and you dress Crush, of course we may match from time to time!"  I will say, my mom and I know how to dress a man, they both looked adorable!

Next step, Crush's parents and my parents will meet in the spring in his hometown, where I will be moving in September.  This I may be nervous about, but only because it is a big deal!  I do think they will all get along swimmingly and it will continue to feel right.  We both decided that we really want our folks to have the chance to bond and get to know each other before we make any real commitments.  It is important for our parents to feel like a part of things because we are both so close with ours.

Here are some highlights from the weekend in my favorite form, a list!


1.  I got to see Crush!

2.  I shared some of my favorite places in my city (restaurants, museums, views) with Crush and he loved and appreciated them, too.

3.  We visited my grandmother at her retirement home and Crush was so kind and sweet with her and also with the other residents.  He was gentle, patient, and sincere. It made me think of how he would be as a father and I swooned.

4.  We saw my parents on two separate occasions and they think he is the BEST.  My dad especially and my father HATED Awful.  Daddy did his best to be kind to Awful, but inside, he didn't think he was a gentleman and that scared him.  My father was very touched by Crush.  He told me last night (after Crush left) that after out first dinner all together on Saturday, he felt exactly the way about Crush that he did when he first met my brother-in-law......that he would be proud to call Crush his son-in-law.  I cried.

5.  Crush came with me to a few of my work appointments and told me that he fell even more in love with me watching me work and helping my clients. Sigh.

6.  Crush asked me what kind of engagement ring would make me happy and I told him a ring like my mom wears and he checked my mom's ring out in detail when we saw them for dinner the first evening we saw them....I could see him doing it and really focusing in on the ring. Before we went to sleep that night, he whispered in my ear that he would love to get me a ring just like my mom's and that he can't wait to see me wear that symbol.

7.  Crush was a very good sport on multiple occasions including an awkward comedy show with my parents, a restaurant where servers are rude, and a cab that smelled like vomit.

8.  Crush kept the hotel room clean and organized because he knows that stuff all over the ground stresses me out and I need order in tight spaces.  I never said I wasn't OCD.

9.  Crush as always opened doors, pulled out chairs, and stood for ladies.....the southern charm will NEVER get old with me.

10.  Crush stayed at my favorite museum with me for hours and hours and even played a game that I used to play with my sister where we picked out our favorite things on display and then explained why gets silly after a while, but it makes the visit so much more enjoyable!


1. I got very sick with strep throat and wanted to stay in bed most of the time, but I toughed it out.

2.  Because I was sick, I got a little mean and nasty with Crush and hurt his feelings.

3.  We didn't get to meet some of my friends and family because I didn't want them to get sick and some have babies, so it was extra important that I didn't expose them.

4.  The trip went too fast and he is already back home.

5.  The weather was terrible!  Cold, icy, snowy, and freezing rain.  It made being outdoors almost unbearable.

6.  I ate some bread and other things I would typically avoid (in small quantities) and they made me a bit sluggish, which is a good thing, because I am not wanting to eat them again right now.

I plan to share more in journal form this week, when I finish processing the overall success of the trip.

Crush is only the 2nd guy to formally meet the family, so this was a big step for me!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

When I Fall in Love

I remember being a little girl and hearing the song "When I Fall in Love" by Nat King Cole on the radio late at night just before I fell asleep in the backseat of my father's car on the way home from my grandparents' house.  

Even then, I fantasized that one day, I would fall in love like this, so truly. I would dream about a magical time when I would dance with my future husband to this song and it would all make sense.....and now, 26 years later, it all does......


When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

I have never been in love before Crush.  I lived with someone for more than 2+ years and I just recently realized that I didn't ever love him.  I was in love with the idea of love, but I wasn't in love with Awful.  That is why I gained weight, was laden with anxiety, and fell into the worst depression of my life.  I couldn't get out of bed for 3 months other than to use the bathroom and binge eat.  I honestly contemplated suicide, that is how bad it got.  I couldn't really open up to anyone (including my best friends and family) because I was so confused.  If I admitted the truth aloud, it would make it real and I was ashamed that I had let it get this far. 

I cannot believe I just admitted that I thought about killing myself, but I did obsess about it for a few days before I finally found the strength to move out.  I tossed and tuned next to Awful (he snored like a bear and kept me up regularly) in the middle of the night thinking about how I would do it.  I reasoned that maybe ending my life would be the easiest way to get out of this mess.....we had friends in common, family involved, and I had quit my job with the notion he would support me while I started my business....I couldn't see past the next minute. 

One night as he slept snored, I went looking around the house for his guns, I just felt a compulsion to know where they were (he collected them and there were many under his roof)....While I scoured the house for the gun safe, my feet took me out back to the garage where I broke down and sobbed harder than I ever had in my life.....nothing was going to fix us.  It immediately dawned on me that I hated Awful as a person, I had no respect for him and I never did. I found him to be immature, unattractive, rude, loud, forgetful, a sayer not a doer, and a drunk.  He over promised and under delivered....he had all the qualities that I would never look for in a friend.  I dispised him, actually. 

I never went to bed that night and I collected my things and called my parents to save me the very next day.  How grateful I am for them.  

Upon coming back to my childhood bedroom,  it became crystal clear that being with Awful was making me turn into a stranger.  I couldn't identity with the person I became. A bad relationship can make you feel very unlike yourself. 

I wanted love so badly, so deeply, that I lied to myself and to Awful.  I have started to feel a bit bad about it, but don't worry, Awful didn't love me either.  It would have been different if he did and I am okay with this, it simply wasn't meant to be.  I don't know what is going on in his life, but I actually wish he finds what I have found with Crush.  He is a person that doesn't live in reality (I didn't either when I was with him), so I am not convinced he will, but I hope he does.  

I know that I am growing up and moving on because regardless of all the BADBADBAD that transpired between us (and I was no angel, we brought out the worst in each other), I am no longer angry.  I needed to date Awful to find Crush, this was my destiny.  

The lessons I learned along the way have only helped make this the most solid relationship of my life. 

When Crush and I started dating, it was different.  The "you just know when you know" saying about love is true.  I HATED hearing that when I was single.  HATED IT.  Upon the first time I kissed Crush, rode in his car, and took a nap on his chest, I never really had a doubt.  What we share is different, it is soul mate love, the kind of love one of my best friends explained I deserved and would have to wait for....she was right as always (SHE IS SO OFTEN RIGHT!). 

The love I initially felt for Crush, knocked me over like a tidal wave.  My body had never felt this romantic love before, this yearning, and this lust......I truly couldn't function for weeks.  I was love sick.  I couldn't eat.  All I could do was drink Coca Cola, coffee, and drive around listening to music.  I found my missing puzzle piece.  The key to my heart.  The secret I never thought I would discover.

I know I am a sap and I know sometimes this love mush must be annoying.  I know this.  I was the single girl who couldn't face attending a wedding alone, the person who ate entire pizzas instead of online dating, the chick who sobbed silently after leaving baby and bridal showers for her best friends because she was so conflicted....I was so happy for my friends, BUT, I was super sad and lost myself....

I was THE ONE who never thought she would have what everyone had found.   I was the one that pretended to love Awful because it was easy.  Because he liked me first.  Because he was established.  Because he is often the life (drunk) of the party.  

I got to the point where I didn't even think I wanted love was too exhausting, too hurtful, too time consuming, too emotionally draining. 

So, when I gush about Crush, I really want to share how important and crucial it is for every lady and gent (and ladies and ladies and gents and gents and everyone in-between) to never settle.  The showers and weddings and gifts and companionship and relationship acceptance (being invited to couply things that you are left out of as a single) means nothing if you are living a lie (like I did with Awful) and not being true to your heart and soul. 

The one for you will make you feel like no other, will make you gasp for air, will encompass you in this virtual blanket of warmth.   Everyone deserves this.  In your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and hopefully....100's.  

The race isn't won at a certain age, every day the race is just beginning.  When the sun rises you have the opportunity to do it all the same or different, the choice is yours. 

I am signing off for the next few days as my Crush is coming over the weekend to meet the family.  I have laundry to do, nails to paint, and legs to shave.  I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I will be back on Tuesday!

Thank you ALWAYS for reading and commenting, this blog and putting my feelings out there has changed my life for the better.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming to visit. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

8 Things I HATED Hearing When I Was Single

Make NO mistakes....I was THE single girl.  All of my friends (even sister after a time as she has been with her man for 5 years this month) have had normal and functioning significant others since their mid-twenties...Me on the other was a revolving door of weirdos and men so bad and dysfunctional that even I couldn't justify it after a while.

Being single is not easy if you don't want to be single.  It becomes especially hard after the age of 27 or so (at least in my city) when people you know and like start tying the knot and reproducing and all of a sudden you are on Lonely least I invites to couple dinners and events, weekends without plans, date after date with absolutely NO connection. During this time, I now see clearly how much my friends wanted me to be happy and how they did relate to the emotional darkness I was feeling, even if they hadn't felt it themselves pertaining to dating.  When you are sad, true friends, the ones that matter, do want to help, they do.  If they don't, they aren't your real friends anyway.

The truth is everyone has easy AND hard things to manage in life.  Nothing is ever perfect.

Someone's easy (like finding love) can be someone's hard (like not having a great relationship with their family) all balances out.

I have learned that staying positive is really the best way to deal with all of your shortcomings and frustrations.  I know that it is super hard to accept and follow, but it is true.

I did HATE and DREAD hearing certain things when I was single.  These comments would make my blood boil, give me the sweats, and make me want to burst with rage.   Perhaps it was because I was ALWAYS the single one, but also because certain comments are stupid and insensitive and rude to say to a don't. Here we go:

1.  Why are you single?

Would you ask a friend "why are fat", "why are you stupid", "why are you short", "why didn't you get promoted".......common sense here.  Single people may be sensitive to their single status...perhaps they are out trying to meet people and now you just pissed on their parade.  Unless someone tells you, "being single is the BEST....I have my freedom, I eat Twix for dinner, I sleep with 4 strangers a week and it is HOT!"....don't ask them why they can't land a mate.

2.  What Ever Happened To?

If the last time you saw a distant friend and they were out with a date or with their significant other and the next time you see them they are flying solo, don't ask what happened to that person.  For example:

Married Friend - "How is Brian doing?  That guy you were with at Tom's party last year, he was really nice."

Single Friend - "Actually he is an asshole.  I found out he was cheating on me with his secretary and now they are engaged.  They are getting married tonight."  (Single Friend runs off and sobs in the bathroom for an hour, then takes 10 tequila shots, pukes in a cab, and wakes up without her cellphone or wallet....)

Don't be the insensitive casual friend that becomes the enemy.

If the Single Friend is really not single and Brian is off at a bachelor party or something, your friend will mention him to you if she wants to discuss him.

3. You Should Try Online Dating!

Oh, really?  Should I?  I have never heard of that concept....please explain what it entails....a computer and the world wide web you amazing!

Unless the year is 1997 or you are over the age of 85, this is not an acceptable suggestion.

4.  I Have the Perfect Person for You to Meet!

ONLY mention this if you are SUPER serious and will be sending an introduction email in the next 12 hours.  Single people do not take almost set-ups lightly.  This requires action.  If you do not have what it takes to produce contact, keep your mouth shut.

5.  Did You Hear......?!

If you know someone is single and perhaps nursing a breakup or divorce, don't spill distant friends' good news.  If your single pal is on Facebook, they will know who is single, who is engaged, who is recently married, and who is expecting.  If they aren't on Facebook (like me), they don't care about this sort of stuff , so they don't need you filling them in. You do not have to be all Patti Simcox from Grease and gossip about people that don't care about you.

(True story: About a year ago, a very dear friend of mine told me about a frenemy who I had a nasty falling out with and who is significantly younger than me, had recently become engaged...I was living with my parents at age 30 and attending therapy to deal with my self doubt and self esteem wasn't the kind of news I needed to hear at that time in my life because nothing positive was brought to my attention by knowing about it.  I had to remind my friend that I couldn't handle Facebook at the time, so please don't tell me this sort of thing.  If someone wants to know about mutual acquaintances, they will ask.)

6.  You Should Go to So and So, There Are Tons of Singles There

The suggestion is always a bar.  Always for the most part.  And unless you want to find the type of person who loves bars (I don't, but if you do, then maybe this is less of a sore spot for you) why would you go to a bar?  For me, bars are about my friends and not long-term relationships (all I have ever met at a bar is a one night stand).  This is because I don't want to meet a drunk, a college boy, a man with Peter Pan Syndrome (I WON'T GROW UP!), or a pirate.  I also hate how bars smell now that you can't smoke in them (I don't smoke, but I would rather smell smoke) as they reek of stale beer, vomit, urine, and debauchery (I am getting old....just realized that I would rather go many places before a bar).

7.  I Forget to Tell You, So and So Asked About You!

This ALWAYS happened to me.  Someone would tell me, "Remember Dan? He asked about you and I forgot to tell you!"

I would say, "Oh really?  How cool!  He was nice, set me up!"

They would say, "He actually just started seeing someone and they are super serious already.  She is planning to move in!"

I would scratch my head and wonder why my friend former friend felt the need to burst my bubble like rude!

8.  Would You Like to Join ME for Dinner?

This is both a saying and a doing.....I love some of my friends significant others like family and they are ALWAYS welcome, but a pet peeve of mine has always been and still is being invited by a friend to supper without mentioning their significant other coming to join us.  Dinner for 3 instead of 2.  I am fine hanging out with couples, but friends night is different that a couple plus a single friend night, so prepare the single as they may approach the entire invitation differently (The Real Housewives always fight about bringing men without asking and this may be the only thing I agree with them on) in general.  Perhaps your single friend will not wear elastic pants and flip-flops if they know they are joining in on a romantic date for 2.

Tell me, what are some other things that are in bad taste to say to singles?

Diet & Binge Updates

Since I returned from the South, I have lost the weight I gained over the holiday, but I haven't lost any more.  I am fine with this.  Since recommitting to myself, I have lost 7 pounds total, I have 25 to go.  I am basically where I have been for a while, holding steady.

I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan.  It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this.   I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points.  It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700).  For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes.  I am over it.  I want to eat real, pure, and realistically.  WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.

I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive.  She gets it.  I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.

The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have.  I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way.  I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.

So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges.  Because it is a daily struggle.  I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this.  This is emotional.  This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.

Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control.  My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly.  Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.

I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept.  I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist.  I did buy the book just because I am interested.  For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.

I will keep you posted!

Hair Find!

It's an oil...don't be surprised.  Oil lover that I am.

I stumbled upon this product one fateful late night trip to Wal-Mart to buy snacks and a Star magazine  and I am so happy I did!

Let me introduce Garnier Fructis Sleek & Shine Moroccan Oil Treatment.

It is one of my favorite drugstore finds.  I apply a bit to my hair straight from the shower and comb it through.  Then once I am dry, before I style (I air dry my hair and then curl it) I apply a bit more.  It smells fantastic and I love to use this to freshen up on day 2 after washing when I dry shampoo....

For less than $5.00, you can't afford NOT to try it.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Mortifying Date Story #3

I can probably get to 20 dates without really even thinking about it......OMG!

This date is a little bit sad rather than funny, but I have been holding it inside for quite some time and it is time to let it go.

3.5 years ago (OMG....I have been struggling with my weight this last time for over 3 years....REALITY CHECK!) I was feeling REALLY good about myself and my body.

I had fallen in love with Spinning class, my gym in general, and eating healthy.  I also hadn't started dating Awful yet.  I was living alone, dating casually (for fun, not marriage) and enjoying my own company.  I look back on these years fondly.

I was on and Jdate (Jewish dating site) at the same time and was going out with pretty much anyone that caught my attention....I hadn't made my list yet, so I thought I knew what I wanted, but for real, I had NO idea.

One day, I received an email from a very handsome man on Jdate.  He seemed okay, his profile was a bit bare, but he was educated and I related to the TV shows and books he listed as favorites.  He grew up in the same area as me in the Midwest.  We had some things in common.  We emailed a few times formally, had a quick phone conversation, and then decided to meet at a local sushi joint for dinner in a few days.

I dressed nicely for the date - dark jeans, a blouse tucked in, and a fitted blazer.  I wore flats as I am tall and height seems to be the first thing men lie about most when online dating.  I felt VERY good about myself, VERY attractive.  I was a few pounds less than the weight I hope to be again (158).  I was skinny for me and I had a swagger.  I felt myself being checked out while I walked the few blocks from my apartment to the restaurant.

I showed up at the restaurant right on time and waited for my date.  He texted and said he would be a few minutes late.  25 minutes later he arrived without an apology for his tardiness.  He walked right past me almost deliberately.... I was a bit confused and my heart started beating really fast, I felt that something was up and this wasn't going to end well.

This feeling, this butterfly flutter in my chest that I get from time to time....when I get it now, I just leave, no excuses, but I didn't know myself then like I do now.  Fight or flight.

I tapped him and said, "are you Ben?" to which he replied, "who are you?"

I looked around very confused...."ummmm, I am Ready and Fading, you are Ben, right?  If not, sorry, I must be confused, you look like someone I was planning to meet...."

He then looked me up and down slowly and as I felt his eyes burning through my body, he said this:

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize how tall you are...."

(SIDE NOTE: He was at least 4 inches taller than me and I listed my height, no exaggerations, 5' 10", on my profile and even called it out as a warning in my "about me section" as men in my city seem to NOT enjoy a statuesque woman and I have been called a man more times than I can count when I used to wear high high heels to bars)...

He continued....

"I just find you to be really manly and unattractive (I have curves for days and I am soft and feminine with long hair and I LOVE makeup and smelling sweet), so if you want to eat something, we can go dutch on the bill, but I don't have any romantic connection to you at all, I find you the opposite of what I like."

Mind you, I had yet to say a word, remove my blazer, and I had just recently updated my profile less than a month before....everything was current.  I looked JUST like my profile photo.

So, I did the only thing I knew to do....I looked him in the eye and said....

"You will never be happy.  This isn't the way you handle this situation regardless of attraction.  You are a mean bitter man.  Go FUCK yourself.  I hope you find a petite lady that you can treat like shit.  I pray for her. Bye."

And I walked out the door.  I then went home and ate my feelings.  I consider this date as the initial trigger for my rapid weight gain during this phase of my life.  I know it seems weak, but I had tried SO hard and I had felt SO good and then the kind of guy I thought I wanted.....SO NOT WHAT I KNOW IS RIGHT FOR ME NOW.....treated me like I was 1,000 pounds.  It was such a slap in my face and I let him, this stranger asshole, win.

He was the grown-up version of the 7th grade boys who chanted Ogre at me on the triggered every issue with my body, my weight, and my fear of men, that I ever had.

A few days later, I received an email from him apologizing for his behavior and asking me for a second chance.  I think it's pretty possible that he tried to use the "Mystery Method" on me which revolves around insulting and demeaning women to get power over the date and situation.  I didn't fall for it and I think my reaction surprised him.  I actually invited him into my insecurity by calling myself out for being tall on my profile.  He preyed on my weaknesses (one of the base rules of the Mystery Method is to call a girl out on something based on looks whether it applies to her or not to disarm her).

When I went back online after Awful, I listed my height, but never called it out and it became a non-issue on all of the recent dates before Crush that I went on...this is why I NEVER complain about my weight, diet, height, stretch marks, scar, or cellulite with Crush.  Confidence is sexy and sometimes you have to fake it to make it.  Never let a man know too much about these things, good ones don't see them, so that is your first test.  When they bring up your "cheesy thighs" like Awful did to me, pack your bag and leave...and don't take 2.5 years to do so like I did!

I never emailed Ben back, but I did once see him out at a birthday party for a friend of a friend and he came up to me to awkwardly apologize again.  I turned my back on him mid-sentence and now that I think about it, I should have asked him why he did it, but I didn't.....I was too scared to get hurt all over strong as I was trying to be, I was still pretty weak....

I started dating Awful 2 weeks later.  I thought because he was short and divorced and had dealt with his own body issues that he couldn't hurt me....EPIC FAIL.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Catch a Wave

Beach waves will never go out of style.  They are super sexy and remind men of making love, so they really like the look.

I have naturally wavy hair, but it looks limp or like a fro (depending on the humidity) without a little styling.

Up until lately, I just dealt with my hair naturally. Most days it looked terrible and some days, miraculously, it looked pretty good.  On one of those terrible hair days, I decided it was time to actually do something and I went to Ulta and browsed the hair appliance aisle.

I can only use wand curling irons (the kind you wrap your hair around without a clamp) because I never figured out how to curl my curl properly and when I use a normal curling iron, I end up with burns and a black eye.  I purchased the TIStudio Large Ceramic Professional Styling Elliptical Wand.  It changed my life.  No more bad hair days, EVER!

For real, this waver makes perfect waves and it is simple to use....wrap a strand of hair around it, wait 30 seconds, release and continue.  For some odd reason, It was discontinued for a while and just brought back into production, so get it while it's hot before it disappears again.  It is seriously one of the best hair tools out there for the perfect low maintenance (hair that looks like Blake Lively's)/high maintenance (hair that looks like Blake Lively's) style.

Wave it up!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Meet the Parents

In less than one week, Crush is coming to meet the parents!

I am super excited.

I am not even nervous which is the best part about this situation.  I just know everyone is going to like each other and I am looking forward to showing him a new place full of experiences.  A city that means so much to me in many ways, but one I never really connected to other than the wonderful family and friends I have here.  I will not be sad to leave as you all know, but one day, we will be married here.  It has always been part of the deal. I move for you, you marry in my former city as a final good-bye to my past and out of respect for my family who will be hosting the event (I have the best parents who saved for such an occasion, so I want to make it most convenient for them).  Of course, he has no problem with it.  A deal is a deal.

I remember when I first introduced Awful to my parents.  They were very nice and respectful to him (at first......), but I could see in their eyes that they wished someone different for me.  It wasn't just religion, I promise you all that.  It was the fact that my parents have very sound and advanced character radar and they picked up that Awful was a sayer and not a doer and that concerned them.  My sister is also married to an extremely brilliant and successful man who is 100 percent self-made and Ivy league (he is far from perfect just like the rest of us, but overall a great match for my sissy), so it makes my parents think that men who make wonderful husbands and fathers with superior educations and immense drive simply grow on trees or at least can be ordered off of a dollar menu.

Crush is the kind of man I am proud of.  All accomplishments aside (and he is very accomplished), Crush has a heart of gold, the kind of soul so pure that even his grandmother considers him to be the "salt of the earth" and told me that he was "born good."  As I get to know him better, I agree with her.

I am honored to call Crush my man, I have never felt this with anyone I have shared myself with and I have always yearned for it.  The way my mom, friends, and sissy look at their husbands sometimes, with this gaze of absolute awe and love and then their faces just light up and I can see them falling even more in love with their gents, I never understood this before I met Crush....

Cheese alert, cheese alert!:

I actually watch him sleep and check to make sure he is breathing when he snoozes on him tummy and I can't hear him snore (haha...omg, I am going to be the MOST paranoid mommy one day...) because I love him so much.  I have never felt this kind of attraction, completion, and understanding from a man.  I makes it so worth it that I didn't settle.  There is a lid for every pot and a man for every woman.  You can't settle if you are waiting for the real thing.

I have had many work things to wrap up lately and now I am just finalizing plans for Crush and my family.  All of my family here has been emailing me non-stop about meeting him. I am feeling joyful and I am looking forward to this memorable weekend with anticipation.  It is such a change from when I would do anything with Awful and my always made me feel like I was drowning in anxiety, I was so afraid for the inevitable, him figuring out that my parents didn't really approve of him as a person because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  When we broke up, Awful told me that his parents always hated me and thought I wasn't good enough for him, so it was mutual I suppose.

I am counting the days until the next chapter begins with Crush, the one that includes my family.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Get Makeup Ready

Once upon a time, I was that girl that applied her makeup constantly.  I literally went to the bathroom every hour when I was out on the town to reapply a full face of makeup.  I wanted to look perfect ALL of the time.

These days are over.  For many reasons, but mostly because I just don't care enough to try every second of every day.  Yes, I still put on a full face for work and when I attend important events with Crush, but I don't obsessively touch up my look at every opportunity.

In an effort to get the most mileage out of my makeup, I have invested in a few awesome products to get the most out of a single application.

1.  Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion: Slap this on your eyelids, let it dry for 30 seconds, apply your eye makeup and watch it last until morning (if you are like me and have the terrible habit of not washing your makeup off some nights.....)

2.  Rimmel Fix and Perfect Pro Primer: I wash my face, put on my argon oil, wait 15 minutes, and then apply my primer.  I then wait 5 more minutes and put on my foundation, concealer, and blush.  This primer is better than ones five times as much.  It keeps my skin looking flawless and smooth all day.

3.  Urban Decay All-Nighter Long-Lasting Makeup Setting Spray: Once my face is in place, I spray my mug a few times and this magic solution makes it stay ALL day.  Seriously, 12 hours or so.....yes, I still have to re-powder and re-lipstick, but I will take it. Perfect for brides, go-go dancers, and people who hate to look in the mirror when they are out because they can't stop eating pizza (me)......

The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 2

There was a suitcase, takeout boxes, liquor, beer cans, wine glasses, and clothes strew upon the floor.  The photos of Socio and me that were on his shelves and fridge had been replaced by photos of him and ANOTHER woman, a young looking one, no more than 20 years old.  There were photos of them taken at the same places we had been, including was like walking into your own episode of Dateline Special Victims Unit. 

I rounded the corner to the bedroom and sure enough Socio and his other girlfriend were laying naked under the covers.  My heart was pounding.  I shook Socio awake and if I could bottle his face, I would have...."OH SHIT."

Now, I am not at all proud to share what happened next..., but there is no holding back here....

The rage in me was so strong, so intense, so unpredicted, I snapped.  All of my hate, my anguish, my fears, they all came spilling out.  I ripped the covers off the 2 of them and started a tornado of destruction.  I broke photos, I broke glasses, I broke framed posters.  I ripped clothes out of the closet, I  threw plates on the ground like bouncy balls. 

I ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside with her purse.  I rummaged threw it.  She went to college in the Midwest, a good school actually, and she was only 18, OMG! (I later learned they started sleeping together when she was 16, him 35, they met at work, she was a summer intern)......I started to gag and thought I was going to vomit.  I splashed cold water on my face and sobbed.  I looked in the mirror and remember thinking "You did this to yourself you fool.  You knew this was a disaster.  You stayed."  I then shoved her purse into the toilet, it was all I could think to do because he was pounding at the door and about to break it down, I didn't want to get caught with it.

I shut the toilet lid and opened up the door suddenly.  I grabbed his balls so hard that he fell to the ground in a heap.  She stood there behind him speechless.....not doing or saying anything, wearing only his t-shirt, her hairless crotch hanging out of the bottom of the hem, which only made her look younger and more helpless... her mouth was gaped open, jaw unhinged....we were both connecting the dots.

As I waited for the elevator.  He came charging out of his apartment.  I instinctively protected my neck, I remember thinking, protect your neck, he could snap it.  He lunged at me and pulled my hair and threw an entire heavy garbage bag of my belongings at my head.  I reason he packed my stuff that were at his apartment whenever she came into town.  He screamed "WE ARE DONE!"


I walked out of his building with streams of thick tears running down my face.  My head was killing me from where he pulled my hair.  I was clutching my garbage bag full of possessions and did the only thing I knew to do....

I called his mother and told her the entire story.

She cried.  I cried. She told me about the lies , ALL of the lies.  She told me, "I wanted to tell you, but I wanted you to save him, I am so sorry I did this to you."  I knew this was the best revenge I could get on him, making sure his family knew the truth.  No one else mattered, they were the only ones that really knew how messed up he really was and he was using me to look better to them, so they were the jury on this one. 

A few months ago, right before I met Crush, I was getting my nails done and a women kept staring at me.  I was looking at her, too, she seemed familiar, I tried to place her.  While we were drying, she asked me, "I think you dated my brother "The Sociopath" like forever ago?"

I nodded.  She then continued to tell me that he was doing super great, got married, had just had a new baby.  I then instantly recalled, she was the sister I always liked the least, the one that was very caught up in the machine of appearances, the only sibling younger than him, she was about 6 years older than me and away in grad school when I had dated the Sociopath, I had only met her once before. 

I felt the tears welling up inside of me and I couldn't contain them.  I couldn't hold them back.  I started to cry.  She thought I was crying because I still loved him and she said, "don't worry, you will find someone too, you are very pretty."

And then told her....."I am not crying because I miss him, I crying because I feel so bad for the woman who married him and for his son.  Your brother is a monster and a sociopath.  You know it, I would be embarrassed if that was my brother, too."

I then got up, grabbed my purse, and smudged 8 out of my 10 nails. 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 1

Oh yes....this happened.  The Sociopath was a real sociopath, like diagnosed.  He had no grasp on reality.

You don't think I found my current dream gent by always dating winners, did you?!  Well I didn't.  Crush is the first healthy and balanced relationship I have EVER had.  He is the first man I am publicly proud to date.  I want to introduce Crush to my friends and family.  I want to show off his photos.

In my 20's The Sociopath was the WORST of the bunch I dated, but he wasn't so different from the other men who came after him until I met my Crush.  They were all slight reincarnations of each other: men who I thought were below me, who I tried to boss around and control initially, who eventually brainwashed me, broke down my self-esteem, and controlled my every move.  

The player always got played.

Let's rewind and start at the beginning....

When I was 24, I had never had a real boyfriend.  Was a virgin?  No.  Had I had a few short lived fauxmances?  Yes. I had "loved" many who hadn't returned the favor and vice-versa.

I met The Sociopath through a frenemy from childhood.  Frenemy and I were always "friendly", but never really true friends.  She is the type of person who is extremely competitive, always out for herself, and likes to see other people fail.  I don't know why I trusted her opinion with men...I remember asking her if Socio was alright and she told me he was.....another prime example of not trusting my instincts.

The Sociopath was 13 years older than me.  He LOVED to drink and do drugs.  I was so personally immature at the time that I saw no issue in the fact that a 37 old man went to bars and stayed out until 2:00 am nightly, 5-7 days a week.  I didn't find him particularly attractive either.   I also thought I was much smarter and more successful than him.... At the time, I guess I liked that he wasn't shorter than me, never called me fat, and bought me drinks and shots.  I had VERY low standards.

He told me lie after lie.  I knew he was lying to me on the inside, but I believed him, too.  I just didn't want to process the truth, I wanted to party....I wanted to float through my reality, too, to numb my self-esteem issues and silence my self-doubt.  A few examples of his lies for good measure:

He told me that he played baseball on a scholarship in I found out that he only attended one semester of college and flunked out and NEVER played baseball.

He told me he was I found out he was several hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including massive gambling debts.

He told me he was madly in love with of the reasons why we broke up was because I found out he was dating an 18 year old, the ENTIRE time we were together.

The Sociopath lived in an alternate reality.  I think a lot of this was because he was adopted by a lovely family and had 4 sisters who were all biological and not adopted.  He fell right in the middle of the bunch, he was the only male, the only adopted child as I mentioned, and he felt like the odd man out always.  When he was super wasted, he would discuss this and often cry and throw things.  He had a wicked temper.

He drank and drugged almost every single day.  He worked 8am-2pm for a family friend off the books and then drank for 12 hours.  I would meet him out around 6:00 pm after my work day and he would already be wasted.  Then we would stay out, black out, order late night pizza, and wake up in our clothes...we would often be late for work.  He was a terrible influence for me.

Some facts I ignored were this: he didn't have a credit card, he was a slob, he had drugs in his freezer, his phone would sometimes be turned off without warning, he would disappear for 24-48 hours at a time, he never wanted to hang out with my family or friends, he had all of these "friends" that he would buy drinks for and pretend to be rich for and never knew their last names, he was best friends with a man who was recently divorced with several children and a complete cocaine addict, he had a family friend around his age check in on him daily (like make sure he was alive and had food),  and everyone seemed really worried about him...

At the same time they were ALL super happy that we were dating......

I liked feeling wanted and purposeful and that I had the ability to save someone so lost.

I felt like I NEEDED to be with him ALL of the time because if I wasn't, something would happen.  He would disappear, cheat on me, or die.  He was like sand, always about to slip through my fingertips.

One night about 6 months into our relationship, we planned to meet at his place at 2:00 am, after we both went out with our own friends.  I had a key to his apartment and was to let myself in as always.  I texted him at 1:15 am and he said he was on his way home and I should meet him there at 2:00 am.  At 2:15 am, I let myself in and found a half naked woman passed out on his couch.  She wasn't wearing a top or bra.  To this day, I have no idea who she was or what really happened before I arrived.  I freaked out and we got into a physical fight.  I punched and hit him and ran out of the apartment.  He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair.  I fled to the elevator and out of the building.  As I tried to hail a cab, he chased me downstairs and begged me to come back up.  He was crying, sobbing for forgiveness.

I relented.  I was afraid.

The passed out girl was still there when we came back up.  I woke her, got her clothes from the bedroom and offered her water and cab fare.  She had no idea who we were or where she was.  I stayed with The Sociopath and had sex with him that just made me ill to write that sentence. This is not behavior of a healthy person, but he wanted it and he never did.  I was so confused. I was battling so many demons then....

In the morning, we woke up and ordered pizza and acted like nothing happened.  Back to basics.

After the half naked girl incident, I began to pull back.  I knew it was a bad situation, but I was scared of him.  I was scared he could hurt me.  I was afraid that he could kill me.  He used me to look good to his he could continue to ask them for help and money...I was his validation...a sweet attractive Jewish girl from one town over (his parents were Jewish and very kind), if we were together, he couldn't be that much of a monster, could he. I know this now at 31..they were pushing marriage upon our second meeting.  I was valuable to him, he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to let me go either.

9 months into our relationship, we were fighting all the time.  I knew it was only a matter of time until I could get out of this relationship, so I looked for a way.  I was too scared to confide in anyone about how bad and dysfunctional this really was.  At the time, I felt embarrassed and like a failure because I wasted almost a year on this mess and I had no self esteem, I thought this was the best I could do, I really did.

One Friday, he didn't text or call me back all day.  I waited and waited.  I got worried, I thought he might have drunk himself to death and I remember being scared that I could be blamed for it.  Upon the 24th hour of not hearing from him, I knew it was my chance to catch him some way or another.  He was either up to no good or dead.  My grandfather had fallen ill and my hair iron was at Socio's place, so before I headed up to see my family, I stopped there for it.  It was a good excuse.   It made sense for me to come over for it.

It was now early Saturday morning and I was worried about Socio because I "cared."

Since I had the key, I was able to enter the building and his apartment without issue.  Upon turning the lock, I knew something wasn't right....


My Miracle (Undergarment)

Yes, Crush, but this is super important, too!  My firm control slip:

Flexees Take Inches Off Wear Your Your Own Bra Slip (a total mouthful....!)

I wear it ALL the time!  It has totally changed how I look AND how I feel.  When I wear most of my dresses (wraps and sheaths) and it is simply my go-to undergarment.

I dress up a lot for my job and this keeps me feeling supported, sleek, comfy, and bonus, you can wear your own bra and it smoothes out the dreaded back fat.  Angels are singing.

Prior to this find, I was wearing Spanx, which are great, too, but I find they accomplish more for me when I wear skirts and pants, not dresses.  In dresses, sometimes Spanx gives me a slightly rounded tummy and a firm muffin top.  Depending on the dress, it can often make me look worse, NOT, better.

This slip can make me look very Kardashian and NOT pregnant, which is always a bonus considering that I am not currently pregnant, but have been mistaken many times for it.

I got my slip that has a super long tounge-twister name at TJ Maxx for around $20.00.  They are available in both nude and black, I have both.  If you are only going to get one, get the nude as you can wear it under both light and black dresses, it is a very good neutral nude.  Check out Marshalls and TJ Maxx, I see them there often.

Happy shaping!

Oldies, but Goodies...Beauty Products I Have Been Using for 20+ Years!

I have been a beauty product hoarder for as long as I can remember....I recall the days before even kindergarten when I begged for a new cherry Chapstick, so I could slather it on my lips like pretend lipstick.

One of the best parts of junior high was the freedom to ride my bicycle to the local Walgreen's to purchase drugstore beauty supplies with my babysitting money.  I wasn't thin, considered pretty, or popular with the boys as anything more than a friend, but I had this innocent hope that a beauty product could change my fate....all I needed was better skin, shinier hair, or whiter teeth and then I would be immediately sought after.

I have tried countless beauty products over the last 20 years and there are a few I discovered in junior high that I still use religiously, they have always been in my beauty arsenal.  Here they are:

1.  St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub: Depending on how fickle my skin is feeling, I use this at least 3 times a week.  I like to put it on my beloved Clarisonic for my morning wash.  It leaves my skin soft, smooth, and glowing.  It is the prefect prep step for getting my skin ready for my daily argon oil. At around $4.00 a tube, it is a deal!  1 tube lasts me 2-3 months.

2.  Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers: This will always remind me of 7th grade...very bittersweet time.  I associate this product with the loss of innocence as I was wearing it when I received my first kiss. Anyway, this balm packs the perfect punch of great moisture and shine and a wonderful not too sweet smell.  Also, it has a lovely tint to it.  I often use it as a base for my red and matte lipsticks.  It is the perfect texture to allow the lipsticks to stick and set and not bleed into the corners of my mouth. It also eliminates lipstick flakes and crusties which gross me out.  I wear this to the gym for the perfect I am not wearing any lipstick, lip tint look.  $1.99 a tube.

3.  Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque: This is the real deal.  A green clay masque to scare people with while you wear your favorite muumuu and yell at your neighbors for being too loud.  I swear, it sucks all the bad stuff out and is very gentle.  I use it once every 2 weeks (typically on Sunday while I do my laundry) and it helps get those really hard to Clarisonic away blackheads.  Around $5.00 a tube and it will seriously last you a year plus.  Also, it if gets hard and you can't seem to get it out of the tube, simply fill your sink with hot water, plop it in for a few minutes, and you are back in business.

4.  Cetaphil: I have been using this since I was 11, when I got my first pre-puperty pimples.  It is super gentle.  Sometimes a bit too gentle depending on my hormones.  I use this as a face wash and often mix it will my apricot scrub on the prize winning Clarisonic.  When my face is really dry and flaky, I will put a thin layer on my face (and not wash it off) and sleep with it on overnight.  I wake up with super hydrated skin.  Also, I have a mild case of psoriasis and sometimes I shower with this as a body wash when my skin is acting up.  It is so gentle, it does the trick. $11.50 for a huge bottle that will last forever.

5.  Outrageous Shampoo: A little gem that will always remind me of a time when hair smelled yummy and not like sex, booze, guilt, and cigarettes.  This was a BIG deal around here in 1995.  The smell is VERY intense and perfume heavy and I LOVE it.  I hadn't seen it in years and then a few summers ago, I was up in Canada and saw it everywhere.  When I remember, I order it from a Canadian site and then wash my hair while I dream of some boy wearing black jeans, high top gym shoes, and a teal silk button down shirt as we dance to P.M. Dawn's "Set a Drift Adrift on Memory Bliss." while he compliments how yummy I smell. $3.50 plus additional shipping to US.

Mortifying Date Story #2

I took a 6 month break from dating after I broke up with Awful.

Emotionally, I simply wasn't ready and he had already won the race in who was going to get laid first.  He had sex with someone 1 week after we officially broke up (it was crushing at the time, especially because an old neighbor acquaintance was the one who broke the news to me......OY...he also most likely cheated on me, but that is another story for another day). This fact in itself made me extra motivated to not do as he did and just find a warm body (though I did one time last April post breakup and it was not all that it should have been......) to validate myself with.  I started my dating search seeking a boyfriend and yearning for a real connection.  Sadly, I never found one in my city.......BUT, I did find Crush, so I did do something very very right eventually!

Last spring, it was time to get back in the dating game.  Yes, I was still post breakup fluffy (chubby). Yes, I was still feeling really fragile (like an egg).  Yes, I was still living with my parents at 30 (still am, WHOOOOT!)........but, I needed to at least try to connect with someone.

I had a little free time as everyone I knew was about to have a baby or just had a baby, so besides complaining, crying, or eating.....there was no excuse to not date.  Up went the OK Cupid dating profile and the selection process began.

As I posted a few days ago, I was VERY specific about what I was looking for.  For me, I wanted someone who wanted to get married, had a job, and was the same religion as me (Jewish) if possible.  The religion thing was really my first priority at the time as Awful wasn't the same religion and for us (I can only talk from my personal experience with this here and for us the religious differences became a disaster, but most of it was because Awful is a sayer not a doer by nature), it caused MANY problems.  It wasn't a ton of hard qualifications, but I was specific, I only received 2 emails from suitors.  I went out with both.  One wasn't bad, just no connection, so he doesn't get a post.....but #2....OH MY..........

#2 emailed me asking if I wanted to get coffee sometime and I agreed.  He seemed nice and articulate and had a lovely smile and eyes.  He had a job and took the time to fill out his profile.  I did see one red flag though, but I chose to ignore it as I was desperate for a date and male approval.  The red flag was that he described himself as sarcastic.  Now, I am TOTALLY sarcastic and I own it, but I don't advertise it as I feel the word sarcastic is very much like the word is really in the eye of the beholder.  In the city I live in, sarcastic when pertaining to a man often means one thing and one thing only....ASSHOLE.  But, I was still single at the time, so what did I know?  This man could have been the sweetest sarcastic gem on the planet, so why be so close-minded...?

Mr. Sarcastic and I planned to meet at a local tea shop at 1:00 pm.  At 1:35 pm he arrived in sweat pants, sneakers, an old college sweatshirt, with sleep (eye boogers) still crusted on his eyelids.  He smelled like smoke, whiskey, bad breath, and fried food.  I was still giving him the benefit of the doubt at this point.  I just wanted some company.  I asked him if he had a fun night out to which he replied:

"Yes, I had sex with a hooker."

To this day, I am still not sure whether to believe him or not.

He went ahead and ordered himself a beverage and did not offer me one.  I then got myself one.  He said that he will pay for things on a date only after he has slept with his company and at that point he would spend a varied amount of money based on how good the sex was....


So, to make things even more awkward, the tea shop he chose was less than 2 blocks away from where Awful lived (in a rather popular and upscale part of the city I live in), so I was in constant fear that he was going to walk in on this horrendous situation, so I was acting like a robot and not focusing on the true direness of the situation.

After Mister Sarcastic slurped his chai latte and spilled on himself, he asked me to join him for some ice cream around the corner.  I went as I looked at the time and we were still at less than 10 minutes total for the date.

He got himself a giant waffle cone of rainbow sherbet and of course didn't offer me anything and while he ate like a wild pig, he spoke about himself for 10 minutes straight like this:

"I am the best catch ever.  I am rich.  I am tall.  I am handsome.  I am educated.  I am well endowed.  I have women begging for me.  I had to dump my ex because she loved me too much.  I was too funny for her.  I was too alive.  I am larger than life.  I am a rare gift.  I am more than anyone would ever want or need.  I am funny.  I am stable.  I am gifted....blah blah blah blah blah....."

Upon the 11th minute of this rant, a 16 year old girl with braces, a small dog, wearing teeny jean shorts and a cut off sweat shirt top comes and sits down at our table and calls my date "Dad."

To this day, I am still not sure if this was his daughter or girlfriend....a part of me thinks that she joins him "on dates" as a cover.

He then says to the teen....

"I AM NOT YOUR FATHER!!!!!! and they both laugh and hug and she begins licking his ice cream cone (the one he bought, not the one in his pants).

We have been on our date for 25 minutes.  He hasn't asked me 1 question and I am so utterly confused.......we are now all of a sudden babysitting a teen......I am fascinated too, just waiting to be "Punked".  I just can't get up and leave quite yet, I just can't, even though I really want to.  It is like a car accident.  I have daters gape.

He then begins telling me about his sarcasm:

"I am sarcastic.  It suits me well.  I could be a comedian (as someone who once dabbled in comedy, NO YOU COULDN'T) and people always tell me that I should have been, if I wasn't a lawyer.  I just don't have the time to be the next Seinfeld even though I am funnier, better, and almost as rich as him.  I just want you to know, that if I decide to sleep with you, you will need to be able to handle my sarcasm.  It is essential for the function of our relationship.  What are your thoughts on this?"

The was the first time in the last 30 minutes that I had been offered a chance to speak, so I did:

"Well, since you asked....I think you are a horrible date and disgusting.  I would never sleep with you.  You smell, you are wearing ill-fitting sweatpants, you are cheap, rude, disrespectful to women, and completely in denial of who you really are as a person.  You have this weird ego which results in the fact that you have no penis in you pjs. You are likely a pedophile and are trying to have a date with a junior in high school at the same time as me.  You are single because you are crazy.  This is very clear to me.  The only issue I am currently having with this date is the fact that I am still on it.  I wasted 32 minutes of my life with you and I can never get that back.  Bye. Also, sarcastic is not what you are, you are an asshole.  Also, you are so unfunny, it hurts.  If this is some improv skit, then I appreciate it, but I don't think it is.  The only way to make this moderately okay would be for a camera and crew to pop out.  I am going to now wait for the camera and crew as I can take a joke. (I waited about a minute, no camera, no crew).  Okay, you are not an actor, you are just insane.  Bye now for real."

And then I got up and left.

I heard a yell from behind me....

"SO YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE OUT??????  You are actually hot!  Lose 20 pounds and call me!"

I promptly burst into tears and ran to my car.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Ready and Ready

I have been waiting for a change pertaining to food.  WHY?

Well, I will say it again....blah blah blah....I am ALL or NOTHING and I like immediate gratification.

Every time I have ever lost weight, I haven't done it healthily.  I have restricted, I have used medication (my anxiety medicine reduces me appetite), I have put foods on yes or no lists.

I haven't lost the weight I want to lose yet for life, for me, because I haven't been in it for the long haul.  For the after.  I have been in it for the event.  For the wedding I didn't want to attend single AND fat, for my ten year high school reunion, for the big trip to the has been exhausting.  Really.  I have put myself through an emotional and physical roller coaster. For nothing.

I have done so much short term work without finally reaching a longstanding goal.  A few pounds shouldn't define possibilities for me.  And yet it does.

In the last few weeks, I have been trying to close up some old business.  Get myself ready for September and the big move down south.  I AM SO EXCITED.  I feel like this year is a bit transitional, but also just what I need because I am not scared to be me anymore.  I know I am leaving, so I don't have to worry too much about the future in my city.  I will NEVER come back.  Regardless of how it plays out with Crush, I am not supposed to be here anymore and I spreading my wings and preparing to fly.

This morning, I had to pass on my daily workout as my back is really bothering me....I am getting older, a hard workout leaves me sore and tight some mornings.  I then immediately felt very anxiety ridden because I rely on the gym to balance my bad eating.  Essentially, I can still binge and maintain my weight with a hard workout...

All of a sudden, it dawned on me......(AND I ALREADY KNOW THIS!)'s the eating AND the exercise that will make the scale move.  I can't keep playing games.  Emotionally, it is too exhausting. I set myself up for failure and then I fail.  It isn't fair to me.  I haven't been treating myself well.

So, I got out my special journal.  The very one I made my wish list for Crush (who came to me exactly 2 months later) for in and I wrote a new list.  This one I titled:


1.  Get to the healthy weight of 165 and stay there (this is a good healthy weight for me, a solid size 10 and shapely, not too thin, perfect for me)

2.  Help my anxiety, self doubt, and confidence through healthy diet and exercise

3.  Be active (not only the gym, a walk around the block counts, too!) 5 times a week

4.  Wear some of my favorite dresses and jeans again (I love them and I am close to fitting back in some, so it really shouldn't be that big of a deal)

5.  Feel wonderful at a few huge family events (both Crush and myself have them coming up)

6.  Feel confident showing my arms again (I am super self conscious of them these days)

7.  Be excited about seeing people I haven't seen in a long time

8.  Learn and relearn healthy habits, so I can set a good example for my future husband and children

9.  Wear a bikini proudly this summer at the beach

10.  Go to my WeightWatchers meeting EVERY Monday I am in town (I have been out of town for Crush and work, I go back Monday)


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

My Online Dating Post Got Me Thinking....Time for a Mortifying Date Story

I may be all smug and in love, but it took me MANY dates to get here.  EMBARRASSMENT, INSULTS, HEARTBREAK, and SHAME were the theme of my dating life in my 20's.  It was so bad, yet it was also absolutely hilarious in hindsight.  I am going to begin to share some of these horror stories starting with a real gem (one of my bffs refers to this instance all too often) when I went out with a carpet salesman on a date in college.......

Once upon a time, I loved my booze.  I loved it strong, straight, and in large quantities.  This time was not limited to college unfortunately, but some of my best stories did occur between the years of '99-'04 (that's right, I LOVED college so much, it took me 5 years)....

The booze made me do silly things.....dye my hair blond, go out in jean mini-skirts without underwear, make out with people I hated sober, and eat only asparagus and broccoli and Diet Dr. Pepper.  It also made me think that accepting a date with Persian rug salesman 17 years my senior was a normal and fully reasonable idea.

I remember going out one night with my blond hair and no panties and meeting a man.  It happened a lot and often when I woke up, all I could recall was that the person I met was alive.  When this particular man called me the next day to take me to dinner, I was really excited.  I lived in this fantasy land where I thought that acting like a bloated, crazy, drunk, messy buffoon would help me land a soul mate.  I believed that tequila and vodka made me a better person, not a human hurricane, so I drank insane amounts of it and walked around town in a drunk haze and imagined myself some music video vixen....OY.

I was VERY disappointed when my future husband to be showed up to pick me up for the big date, mind you, the very next day after meeting him (I didn't know ANYTHING about not accepting a date on such late notice, I hadn't read The Rules yet).  In less than 24 hours since I met him, he became everything I wasn't looking for: unattractive, super thin, smelly, pimply, missing teeth, he drove a car that had plastic wrap windows, he didn't speak English well, and he only wanted one thing and one thing only....MY vagina.  This was bad, very very bad.

I made him take me to an expensive restaurant because obviously being the fine lady I was, I deserved to be treated wonderfully, like a princess.  I knew there was only one way for us to bond, for us to find that magic that we shared the night before, for us to be able to stand each other's presence and that was for me to get very VERY drunk.....and I did.

Several martinis later, he looked just like I remembered, blurry.  Like a Picasso.  He was no longer a carpet salesman, but a man with major potential who specialized in interior concept and design.  The vodka was pulsating through my core and begging for this man to love and adore me, so I did what I did best (and why I most likely always seemed to attract men with limited understanding of the English language because they were the only ones that could tolerate me....), I bragged about myself.

I started with my beautiful "natural" blond hair and continued to my straight teeth (I had braces for 4 years).  Moving downwards, I bragged about how I didn't need a bra because my breasts defied gravity (they were quite small at this time, so a bra wasn't super necessary) and how my (recently thinner, but still rolly) tummy was a perfect shade of bronze from maximum tanning bed and sun exposure.  When I felt he was hanging on my every word (most likely trying to piece together my sentiments because of his limited grasp of English and my excessive slurring), I moved in for the absolute kill......

My legs.

Now, I will say, everyone has a good feature and mine are my calves.  Yes, they are attached to rather chunky and cellulite induced thighs, but they shapely and firm and were even better when I was 20 as I was tan, with less mass, and tons of muscle saved up from playing sports since I was a teeny girl.  They were something to be proud of for me, especially for how little effort I was putting them through at that time in my life (perhaps stumbling  is a better workout than you would think....)....I literally had a 15 minute rave session about my own two limbs and then ate my supper, sobered up a bit and begged to be taken home as I was feeling like I had to vomit (regular occurrence in college, not puking up food, puking up booze).......and he was looking less like abstract art and more like the carpet salesman that picked me up 2 hours earlier.

When I got home, to my HORROR, I learned my roommate and a very best friend to this day heard all about my legs...........HOW?  Was she dining at the restaurant?  Spying on me through the window?  Working in the kitchen?


I had pursed dialed her from my date in my drunken stupor and she listened in on the hysteria in detail.  She caught the ENTIRE leg conversation......

I couldn't look at myself for days, I was so embarrassed.

To this day, she will not let me forget it.  In the past whenever I would go out on a first date (even my first date with Crush) she would always ask...."did you tell him about your legs?"


I almost peed in my Spanx, the first time I dressed up to attend a party with Crush and while I was getting into the car with my heels on, he said, "wow, you have great legs, has anyone ever told you that before?".....I smiled and said, "well, I used to tell myself that all the time...." and then giggled for 5 minutes straight before I told him the above story.

More shameful dates to come!