A Turtle's Pace

Slow and steady wins the race.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  I know this and then I always want the quick fix.  The miracle.  The AMAZING.  I will get so caught up in an infomercial or the latest skin/hair/diet craze that even though I know that I am getting seduced by something that isn't even real,  I often can't walk away.  After I spend money (LOTS of it) that I don't have, I will take a step back and realize that I am crazy and that I just need to go to Walgreen's and Kiehls and count my calories and everything will be fine.

Today I got on the scale and I am down another pound.  I have now lost over 25 pounds (and nearing 30!) since I moved to Charleston and it has been a slow burn.  0.5 pounds to 1 pounds lost most weeks if I lose at all.  There are some weeks that even with the best eating and lots of exercise, the scale stays frozen.  But, this time, unlike ALL other times, I have stuck with it.  All of a sudden, it isn't for a pair of jeans, for my wedding dress or as a heavy reaction to a nasty comment.  It is for life.  I want to live my life without the weight of my weight holding me back.  I want to drink coffee and eat dessert and share appetizers and savor wine and be a part of things.  I want to be present around food.  I want to know that a meal shared with friends counts as a real meal and does not give me permission to have a second one in private where I can "really" enjoy something sinful while I camp out on my couch with the TV serving as company to hide me from my binging secrets.

I acknowledged my eating issues and they are getting better.  I accepted that I had a serious problem with something that I put off for decades.  I even knew when I was 8 years old that sneaking Milano cookies out of my pantry by the handful wasn't something that I was comfortable doing because it made me feel ashamed.

What has been working has been 2 key things.  Tracking my eating (all of it, every tablespoon of cream, every bite off Crush's plate, every nibble straight from the fridge) and my new Fitbit.  The combination of the tracking and the Fitbit, which helps me know exactly how much I have moved in a day and then exactly how many calories I can eat to stay at my goal, has been magic for me.  It has made me accountable to myself.  Something I have struggled with for years.  I have a bad history of thinking I didn't eat all that much or that I worked out a TON when in actuality, I ate three times my caloric limit and worked out half as much as I imagined.  My mind plays tricks on me a lot, especially when it comes to food and people hating me.

And still, the scale doesn't ALWAYS corporate from day to day or week to week, but as long as I know that I am actually doing what I need to be doing to scientifically lose weight (eat less, move more), the scale does eventually catch up.  I haven't had 5 pounds gone in a week, but I am changing.  Slowly, but surely.

Smarty Best Friend said it best when she told me that "she likes to eat healthy because she feels better." It is simple.  If I eat some fruit and veggies, I feel phenomenal.  I move on with my day and have energy and I don't crash.  Cookies, chips and pizza are scrumptious, but they don't make me feel good.  Especially, if I don't treat junk food as something special.  I got into a terrible habit of using food as a work reward and this has been a very hard habit to break.

Yesterday night, I got the urge to try on a dress that I bought for a wedding festivity even though I didn't know which one yet when I purchased it.  It is classic and lace and white and reminds me a little of my wedding dress.  When I bought it, it didn't zip.  At all.  It was on sale and looked like something I would wear.  I have a very particular way that I like to dress and not all things look good on my figure (curvy, tall and broad), but I saw the potential in this dress.  It was on sale after all.  Well, last night, it zipped right up.  Without a Spanx.  And it looks nice.  A Spanx will help to smooth out the areas that always need a little support (tush and thighs say what), but I can't wait to wear it THIS very weekend to a party for our engagement.  I feel so proud of myself and in many ways, I feel like I didn't even try all that hard.  I made small changes and I didn't need to restrict myself with such a heavy hand, like I have always done in the past.  When I strictly limit myself, I have learned, it just leads to a monster binge of everything I told myself I couldn't have.  Everything is allowed, I just need to track it.

So, as I continue my weight loss journey, it's one day at a time.  Rinse and repeat.  I look forward to passing by the exhausted hare on my way to my final goal.

A Daily Treat

The only way that I can avoid binging is by allowing myself to have 1 treat per day.  This treat is usually something I like to savor mid-afternoon.  Currently, I have been losing about 1 pound per week.  I work out 5-6 times a week and try not to eat back the calories I burn at the gym.  I aim for 1,800 calories a day.  After a bit of adjusting, it hasn't been too bad.  It took just a little getting used since prior to tracking calories, I guestimated I was eating between 2,500-3,000 calories some days and over 5,000 on others when I binged.  Not pretty, but at least I know why I was consistently gaining weight.  Science is a bitch.  Calories in.  Calories out.

A few months ago, I cut out most gluten in my diet to help my psoriasis (and it's currently 70 percent better and constantly improving).  Most of my binging was triggered by pizza, pretzels or crackers anyway, so I am feeling way more in control without the gluten regardless of my skin status.  Win-win. I don't think I will ever go back to bread (it used to be at least half of my daily calories) since without it, I do feel WAY better.  I am still eating rice and potatoes, so I am getting my precious carbs in, I would be lost without sushi and french fries and I make exceptions for pizza.  I have deep needs. Pizza is one of them, but it is more of a once a month thing now and not a daily habit like it may have been for me not even that long again.....

Out of those 1,800 daily calories, I leave 300 for something that is junk.  One day, I would love to not have to rely on this little crutch, but I am taking it for what it is and it is actually huge progress.  The truth is, that prior to getting help for my eating issues and coming to terms with my food addiction, I was eating entire large pizzas, jumbo bags of Cheetos (both crunchy and puff varieties, I don't discriminate) and pints of ice cream.  To be able to just limit my empty calories to 300 a day is a hopeful step in the right direction for me.  I am super happy about this.

The rules for this treat is that it has to be a single portion and it can not be kept in the house.  If I bring something into the house, it has to be eaten and the calories must be allotted for that same day. This helps me as I really have to want my treat in order to go out and buy it. Sadly, most days, I do cave and head to the gas station for something sweet.  I have been working my way through the candy racks.

Even though I am trying to eat better and less, the reality is that the lifestyle I aim to lead will always have some junk in it.  I know that since I am an all or nothing kind of person, I need some moderation in my life.  The one glass of wine savored instead of glugging the entire bottle.  The 2 pieces of pizza that I nibble on instead of inhaling the whole pie.  The Milky Bar eaten slowly and mindfully instead of attacking a family sized bag of fun-sized Snickers.

Since I have been in Charleston, I have lost 15 pounds.  I am really pleased by this news.  I have been worrying less about my weight than I ever did in Chicago and the scale is finally starting to consistently move.  I don't know how much more I want to lose, but I would love to have some of my wardrobe back, so I will let you know when I get there.  The good news is that my wedding dress looks great as is and I need some of my curves to make it look va-va-voom.  At least I don't have the pressure of needing to turn into a stick figure in order to walk down the aisle.  I have seen that all too often and starvation and no candy bars would be the end of me.....

Forbidden Foods

I am getting real with myself and my food addiction.

It sucks.

It has made me SUPER emotional and that is a good thing.  I need to get to the root of my issues.

Food has always been a coping mechanism for me.  I use it as a drug.  To escape reality.  To soothe myself.  It is my sanctuary.

One of my recent discoveries has been shocking.  In therapy, I have had to identify my trigger foods and as I have shared before...they aren't even things I necessarily like.  They are:

Wheat Thins
Triscuits
Pepperidge Farm Cookies (Butter and Milano)
Cereal
Granola Bars
Nuts
White Bread

Other things I really LOVE like pizza, Cheetos, and candy are an indulgence and I actually do not think of them in a negative light.  These items are rarely in the house and are not unhealthy things for me passing for heathy (like some of the items above), so I can clearly identify their potential damage for me if I eat them in excess.

I know I can handle a splurge from time to time if I plan for it and let myself let go and enjoy it within moderation.

One of the things I have recently learned is that everyone is so different with what triggers them.  A binge food for me may be a safe and nutritious food for someone else.  Binging is super personal and foods that make people spiral range from fruit to double bacon cheeseburgers.  The addiction is my own, so the solution has to be my own as well.

The items I listed above are foods that have always been in my parents' home.  From my earliest memories these are the foods we had to grab in the pantry.  My parents didn't believe in real junk (potato chips, soda, Hostess cakes), so when I started to binge actively in third grade, these are the snacks I stuffed myself with.  Over the last 18 months, these are the same items that have been tripping me up time and time again.

I made a major breakthrough in my eating therapy last week.  I just have to avoid these foods.  Since I do not even like these items that much, giving them up isn't that hard.  I just have to stay present and know that the snack shelf in the pantry isn't my shelf.  It belongs to my parents.  When I go back to my independent life, these items will never be in the house and now that I know how damaging they are for me, I will never buy them.

Since I rebooted my WeightWatchers, I have been eating real whole foods with little treats thrown in here and there.  Here is an example of a typical eating day for me:

Breakfast #1 (Pre-Workout):
- 2 light string cheeses
- 1 Nonfat Greek yogurt
- Iced coffee with 2 tablespoons half and half and 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Breakfast #2 (Post-Workout):
- 1 slice American cheese
- 3 egg whites cooked in 1 tablespoon real butter

Lunch:
- 5 ounces of breaded chicken cutlet (skinless, boneless breast) cooked in 1 tablespoon of olive oil
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- Steamed corn on the cob and zucchini

Snack:
- Fruit smoothie made with fresh frozen fruit (nectarine, peach, berries, banana), 1 cup skim milk, 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Dinner:
- 4 ounces of grilled hanger steak
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- 1 medium baked potato with 1 tablespoon real butter and 1 tablespoon real sour cream

Dessert:
- 1 vanilla ice cream dixie cup
- 1 cup cherries

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Wheat Free

Alright.....I am SO not into fad diets.  I have always believed that calories in and calories burned will help me lose weight.  I know that the times that I have been successful with my weight loss, it has been because of my diet mostly (or lack of because I starved myself)...the workouts help tone, but I can't eat whatever I want just because I head to the gym.

I am always looking for the easy fix.  20 years after my first diet, I am STILL trying to figure out what will work for me, it is exhausting and I am going to conquer it.  I know I will.

I am so sick of riding the weight roller coaster: restrict, binge, restrict, binge, restrict, etc.

As I shared last week, I have been journaling my food patterns and lately, it became very clear to me that processed wheat (crackers, bread, bagels, cookies, and cereal specifically) give me the urge to binge.  I researched it and I am not the only person that cannot control themselves with these items once they start.

For real, when these foods touch my lips, I literally lose control.  I zone out and feel myself slipping into bad and destructive habits.  Yet, it is a safe and familiar place.  I know it is bad, but it feels so good.  I am like Eve with her apple or Pandora with her box....I know inside the outcome will be negative, but the instant pull of gratification is too strong for me to resist.

I am a food addict, a wheat addict specifically.  Give me a bag of honey wheat pretzel rods or a box of Wheat Thins and I will black out until only crumbs are left. I will then feel so ashamed and defeated, that I will have to lay down in order to center myself.  I fall asleep and wake up with a food hangover.  It is self destructive behavior.  I do it to myself.

For the last few days, I have been journaling my food choices and I have been trying to avoid wheat when I can.  It is a good first step for me, I do not think I can avoid dairy, I love cheese too much and can control myself around it.  It was always the vehicle for cheese (bread and crackers) that I couldn't stop myself around, not the cheese.

I am feeling very in control.  A general eating day for me has been like this:

Breakfast - 
2 eggs made in butter
1 slice of cheddar cheese melted on eggs
1 banana
Coffee with cream and sugar

Lunch -
1 cup brown rice
1 cup peas
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 TBSP butter melted on rice
3 oz of chicken breast
1/2 cup 4 percent cottage cheese

Snack - 
1 small bag of kettle potato chips
1 tall vanilla latte made with 2 percent milk

Dinner -
3 cups of romaine lettuce
1 small tomato
1 small cucumber
1/4 cup of feta cheese
4 oz of steak
2 TBSP balsamic vinaigrette dressing
14 almonds
1 small apple

Snack - 
4 cups of air popped popcorn with 1 TBSP of olive oil and 2 TBSPs of parmesan cheese
2 squares of dark chocolate

I have never been so satisfied.  I am actually quite surprised.  I am full after meals and snacks.  Prior to this, I was starving all of the time.   I literally counted the minutes between meals, ALL I could think about was my next opportunity to eat, I fantasized about it.

I am going to keep this up as long as I can because I am really feeling even and positive.  For now, I am just practicing eating for satisfaction and not counting calories.  I am trying to learn my hunger signals which are totally out of whack from years and years of eating for emotional fulfillment.

Once I get the hungry and full signals rewired, I will tackle calories, so I can continue on my weight loss journey.  At this time, I just want to take one little baby step at a time, so I can get my head around it all.

I will keep you posted!

Binge Free: Day 5 (Week 1)

I received a wonderful comment from Danielle over at Zombie Love Affair regarding binge eating and I ALWAYS appreciate feedback with anything I post, so THANK YOU!  Also, her blog is really really great, but I am sure most of you already know that.

She shared that perhaps I should set up weekly goals binge free instead of monthly ones and I thought about it and I was like....DUH, that is a GREAT idea.

This will be less pressure for me and I know I can do a week as I just did it a while back.  So, I am going to go for weeks binge free and not months and go piece by piece, baby steps.

As for yesterday, it was a really good day and then I got a bit snacky late night.  I will admit why.......shhhhhhhh.....

So, I had a very good conversation with Crush last night as I typically do and he is a total gentleman, always...... I fear I may be the future pervert with us which is actually quite good as Awful was the perviest perv in the nation (I just gagged) and made me do things sometimes that were WAY outside of my comfort zone.

WHY DID I DO THEM YOU ASK?  Low self esteem......moving on....

So, when I talk to Crush, I sometimes often get turned on.  Yes, his accent is something of my dreams, but it's not just that, it is what he has to say.  He is so smart, and kind, and relatable, and he just feels safe to me.  Also, we have SO MUCH in common, down to even the way we were raised which is what we spoke about last night (sharing rooms with our siblings, climbing in our parents' beds in the morning and cuddling, being nursed, favorite children's books....), I made a joke that I fear that we may be actually related.  So, when I get off the phone with him, I can be hot and bothered.  And then I can't sleep.  And then I try to read and I have these crazy explicit thoughts.  So, then, I eat crackers and cheese.  I had a 500 calorie late night snack last night....it happens......I should go to the gym, I am a member of a 24 hour one, so that may just be the thing.  Or get a new vibrator....

Oh yes, I ate 2,300 calories yesterday.  It happens.  Today is starting well.

Eating My Heart Out

Yesterday was a very bad eating day.  It was terrible actually.  I stayed up late working on Friday night watching TV and catching up with friends on the phone and then I chatted until very late with the Crush and then I was too excited to sleep because I am cool like that.  I have a really good conversation with a man and then I get off the phone and scream and hop around like I am in 6th grade.  I really should have had a real boyfriend before I was 24, I do think I would have been a tad bit more mature now....

So, yesterday, I had lots to do and while I did it, I ate massive amounts of food.  Then, I watched lots of movies on TV including Mean Girls (Lohan, WTF, seriously girl, WTF, you were so damn cute in 2004, the hair, the body, your face....you should have kept it ALL the way it was....BEAUTIFUL!....imagine if she never touched herself, she would be so gorgeous now, like a baby less than 30 Julianne Moore) and there is a part in the movie where they are showing Lohan the lunch table demographics and explaining where the jocks sit, where the Plastics sit, and one of the tables is the 'girls who eat their feelings' and I literally stopped eating my cookies and cream slow churn yogurt and almost choked....I mean, that's me....that's not who I was in high school openly in public, but it's who I am now in secret and I don't think it's funny....I am a girl that eats ALL of her feelings.....WTF?!?!?!

Why did I eat my feelings yesterday?  Hmmmmmmmmm.....these are the reasons I am coming to as of now:

1.  I have a lot of work to do and I am having a lot of anxiety.  I am going to make a check list each and every morning in order to accomplish what needs to be done and not get all miffed about the constant email which is a part of life and business these days and there is no way to avoid it.  I am averaging 75-250 emails daily which all need to be answered, so I am trying to find a way to manage it all.  Catching up on weekends do help.

2.  I didn't sleep at all on Friday.  I stayed up all night.  I dozed off for 2-3 hours.  When I don't sleep, I always crave carbs and sweets.  I ate a TON of them yesterday.  Not cute.

3.  I am feeling nervous about the person I am crushing on.  I am not going to self-sabotage or use substances to feel more secure (I realize now that I used to drink tons to get from being something to being a girlfriend....like I would NEED to get drunk to discuss feelings), this time, regardless of what happens, I have vowed to be honest and open about everything.  What do I really have to lose?  Nothing.

The truth is that yesterday I binged.  I ate mindlessly, I ate a lot, I ate until I had to lay down and I woke up with a food hangover.  I made it 9 days, NOT 30 as I set out to do and that's okay.  9 days without a binge is surely progress.  It is much better than where I was, binging everyday for 1 year!  So, I will be starting over today, with a Binge Free: Day 1 (Cycle 2) and try for 30 days.

I do think that this time, I may just be able to get there....everyday is a battle, if I keep trying, perhaps, I will eventually win....

Eating and Feelings

Oy.  The past few days have not been so hot.  I have company in town and I have been a bit sloppy with my eating.

Also, I have decided that my crush is a mutual crush and I don't know what is going to happen, but this feels very different and in order to deal with my anxiety and impatience and unease about the potential of someone liking me (because I am REAL mature this way), I have been eating my feelings.  I have been eating lots of crunchy stuff like pretzels while I think....I am calling myself out here. I took a little break from the mindless munching to write and reflect just now.

I have email to catch up this evening and a special toddler to snuggle (my nephew) and I am so full and nauseous from my snacking, I am about to burst.

It is not about starting fresh, starting new, brand new days, or any of that.  I have BEEN there, I have DONE that.  This is about realizing what I am doing and breaking bad habits without breaking my own spirit.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  I do plan to log every bite as this is the only thing that helps.  Today, I didn't even really binge because I still had a mind body connection while I was crunching.  My mind kept telling me to stop because I wasn't hungry, because I was feeling anxiety, because I was craving clarity and not pretzels.  That my friends, that is real progress. Before, when I ate with reckless abandonment, my mind was completely blank....it was like going into a coma.  A food coma.

Binge Free: Day 9

2,000 calories.  Lots of meetings.  Great conversations.  A few texts from best friends.  Really good day. Things are looking up around here.

Binge Free: Day 8

I am a day behind here, so I will recap today, Day 9, tonight.  I am Jewish, so I fasted yesterday for Yom Kippur and caught up on email and napped atoned.  Then, I complained about being hungry and drooled.  Basically, I acted like Garfield the cat if Garfield the cat had a laptop and lots of email to do.

When it was time to EAT, I ate and figured it was around 1,800 calories consisting of mostly bagels and cream cheese with some cookies thrown in for good measure.  Today is much better....I will report in before bed.

Binge Free: Day 7

1,800 calories....a few too many cookies and brownies....(like 1 huge cookie and 1 huge brownie)...

Very busy day yesterday and I am dealing with a client issue.....it's making me feel very very very anxiety-ridden.  Couldn't fall asleep and I am waiting for a call to make sure that things will be okay and I fear they won't.  We will see.

Binge Free: Day 7

2,300 calories.  Again, not the best, but I ate 3 meals out today, so it could have been worse.....the next few days will be much better as I will be able to eat meals at home.

I enjoyed my lunch and dinner as I caught up with friends and babies that I haven't seen in a bit and it was awesome to eat yummy food and have it satisfy me.  Truth time: often in the past this year, I would eat out and then still again alone.....I mean, not good.  I workout daily, so optimally, I would like to eat around 1,800 calories daily, but I am still looking to play around and will take one day at a time.

This morning, when I weighed, I was down 3 pounds total, so 27 to go!

Sweet dreams all!

Binge Free: Day 6

Hmmmmm.....today was less than the best, but it was still okay.....I had all three meals out as it was busy busy, I also got a bit overwhelmed thinking about what I had to do rather than doing what I had to do and ate pretzels and a granola bar for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I had them in my purse from 2010.  At least I am being mindful that I did it.  2,500 calories which included bagels, Thai food, and some pizza.  Not starving here. Sweet dreams, I fear that I am going to have another creepy sex dream and now that I said it, I bet it will be with Steve Buscemi or something...

Binge Free: Day 5

I am exhausted....I am seriously going to bed in just a bit.  My sister and nephew are in town and I played with Little for a lot.  We have a really good time.  I have never been so into a kid in my life, I love kiddies, but playing with one for 7 hours straight and having it feel like a second, that is love.

Anyway, food....I ate a cool 1,800 which involved some pizza and cake and it was all yum, but when I started to feel a bit full, I stopped.  Proud here.  Nephew just got put to bed and is bawling and calling out Auwnteeeeeeee....Super Auwntee to the rescue!!!!!!

Night all.  All my peeps with babies, you all are tough, I admire you more than I ever did.

Binge Free: Day 4

Whoooooot!  Day 4 is wrapping up.  1,450 calories consumed, feeling good!  Sweet dreams!

Binge Free: Day 3

Three down.....1,300 calories, not too hungry today.  Off to bed, if I wake up in the middle of the night,  I have grapes ready to go as I may be starving in a few hours...Sweet dreams!

Binge Free: Day 2

1, 600 calories.  No binges.  I may be getting the hang of this.  It wasn't easy, but it's not impossible.

Binge Free: Day 1

It is the end of Day 1 of my binge-free spree.  I am going for 30 days in a row starting with Day 1, today.  I don't think I will never have a set back, I know better.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I don't think I will always have perfect days, I know better.  Food is my best friend, sometimes my only friend.  I like to isolate myself often.

I will say that I tracked all of my food today and that I am not hungry.  I ate around 1,400 calories today and I am fine.  Do I want a cookie?  Yes, of course I do.  But, I am not hungry, I am actually just tired and thirsty, so I am going to get some water, take my contacts out, and hit the hay.  I plan to get to bed early, so I can wake up early and eat work, because I have lots to do and I have taken the last few days off without telling my clients.....I need a break from time to time, but I have to succeed.  It is time to actually DO something and not just TALK about doing it.