Have faith in yourself. Religious preferences aside.
Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.
I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old. I know. I am sorry. I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself. I get it. I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can. Trust me. And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days. Now, I just own my reality.
Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back. I am amazing myself, actually. I don't get stuck on things like I used to. I don't hold grudges. I allow myself to treat every situation separately. To process it and move on. This blog is helping a lot.
While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it. Just do the best you can. Wrap things up and move on. This is like the last semester of high school. You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.
Clients are unhappy with me. Why? Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired. Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad. Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I have a backbone now. When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady). I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do. Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!). All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed. I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME! Well, I wanted to be giving and kind. I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts. I needed to be heard. I wanted to fix these people.
And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........
SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad. My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party...... There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though. My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest. JUST LIKE CRUSH. Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me. But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY! I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).
Back to the life rant:
I didn't listen to my inner voice. My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......
From failure comes success. I know this.
I am learning.
For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane. I was living an insane life. I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning. I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.
BROKEN.
I spun my wheels. I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.
I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay. I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!). I was so conflicted. But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it. I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready. Life would suck without Crush. SUCK. It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever. I am my own biggest fan. I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart. My insides are good. I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back. Can everyone say that?
My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2. He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..
Phase 1: Dating
Phase 2: Engagement
Phase 3: Marriage
Phase 4: Kids
I had to tell him.....let's just wait. I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment. This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list. He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."
Made me cry.
Showing posts with label Blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blessings. Show all posts
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Opera Man
Do you remember Opera Man on Saturday Night Live? (Sheesh......Lorne Michaels, share your SNL clips!).
Adam Sandler sang the news in a goofy childlike way without finishing his words fully and everyone loved it, including me.
I love me some Adam Sandler, but not as much as Andy Samberg. But, aren't they the same (yummy, hilarious, singing men...so ugly they are HOT) just Adam is 1.0 and Andy is 2.0?
Yup, that is what I thought.....
So, a few weeks ago when Crush was up visiting Sissy and company, Crush and I took Big Baby out for the day. The three of us had lunch, ice cream, went to the park (Big Baby LOVES the swings), and then an indoor jungle gym of sorts which had really random stuff like light tag and a moon jump. I think I had more fun than Crush and BB did....I am young at heart.
This was the first time Crush was with BB without my mom or Sissy and he was somewhat in awe of my babysitting skills. He asked me: "How do you know how to get BB in and out of the car seat? How do you know how to cut BB's food up like that? How do you know all of those kid's songs? How to you know how to change a diaper? How do you know how to play like that?"
It was very cute.
My answer was: "Because it isn't that hard. I use common sense. I am not scared of little ones. I was a camp counselor. I was a nanny. I had regular babysitting jobs (one of my former babies is now 17 and is one of my best friends and will be in my wedding one day, Crush has met her). I was a lifeguard. I taught swim lessons. I have younger cousins. I took acting classes. I like being silly. My mom is the baby whisperer and handles a doodie diaper and a crying child like no one's business (half of the reason why BB's nightly scream order is, "Mommy!, Nanny! (my mom), Daddy!, Elmo! (too cute for words)."
Crush and I have had different lives and pasts. Some would consider my life charmed (I grew up wanted, my parents are still married, my dad paid for my college and will pay for my wedding....I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM!), but I always had a job. From the time I was 12 and watched the 17 year old's I mentioned above, older sissy, I have worked. I had after school jobs, weekend jobs, and summer jobs. From 7th grade until now, work has simply been a part of my life and because of work, I have learned how to do many things I wouldn't have otherwise, like how to clean vomit out of a urinal (waitressing at a bar), how to wash towels (manager at a pool), and how to change and bathe a baby after they have had a total diaper blowout (babysitting).
Crush had never worked before his adult job now. He grew up with full-time help. Live in maids and then separate people who cooked. He went to prep school for high school and left him home truly at 15. His family is wealthier than mine, but you would NEVER know it by meeting Crush. He is frugal. With a capital F.
His lack of spending, doesn't bother me because I would rather leave something for my future family than waste every penny on mindless things now....but, sometimes I wonder....how did you get to be in your 30's without knowing how to cook, clean, or even tip (I once caught him leaving $3.00 on a $50.00 check WHERE we experienced great food and fantastic service)?
The reality is that no one taught him and he never learned from experience.
Unlike me, he never worked at a restaurant and learned that you make money from tips and tips alone for the most part....(he thought servers got paid well hourly...?). Our pasts are different.
Yet, I don't speak a second language like Crush does. I also don't know how to play the bass, acoustic guitar, or piano like my love. And let's not forget that I have no idea how to save, play the stock market, or how to invest. We really do balance each other out. We both bring equal experience and knowledge into our common bond. It is really neat.
While Crush and I were playing with BB, he kept talking like Opera Man (well, Opera's Man's one eyed cousin). It was slightly terrifying BB. As BB climbed into my arms for safety, Crush caught wind of the diss.
He asked me, "Does BB not like me?"
I replied, "BB loves you. The thing is, kids are like dogs. They sense things. BB can probably just tell that you don't know how to do the same things I know how to do yet, but when you show BB you can do them, then you will see, BB will come around. Maybe stop talking like Opera Man to start and just speak in your normal voice. Baby voices are cute and fun sometimes, but kids respond well to adult voices, too."
As the afternoon wore on, I showed Crush how to change a diaper, how to warm BB's milk cup, how to put BB in the car seat, and how to get on BB's coat, hat, and mittens. By the time we got home, Crush and BB held hands as he took BB inside. It was real sweet. My Sissy was VERY impressed. It takes a lot for BB to warm up to people, especially to men as BB is around ladies most of the time.
It showed me that everything is teachable and everything can be learned.
You just need 2 willing parties.
Adam Sandler sang the news in a goofy childlike way without finishing his words fully and everyone loved it, including me.
I love me some Adam Sandler, but not as much as Andy Samberg. But, aren't they the same (yummy, hilarious, singing men...so ugly they are HOT) just Adam is 1.0 and Andy is 2.0?
Yup, that is what I thought.....
So, a few weeks ago when Crush was up visiting Sissy and company, Crush and I took Big Baby out for the day. The three of us had lunch, ice cream, went to the park (Big Baby LOVES the swings), and then an indoor jungle gym of sorts which had really random stuff like light tag and a moon jump. I think I had more fun than Crush and BB did....I am young at heart.
This was the first time Crush was with BB without my mom or Sissy and he was somewhat in awe of my babysitting skills. He asked me: "How do you know how to get BB in and out of the car seat? How do you know how to cut BB's food up like that? How do you know all of those kid's songs? How to you know how to change a diaper? How do you know how to play like that?"
It was very cute.
My answer was: "Because it isn't that hard. I use common sense. I am not scared of little ones. I was a camp counselor. I was a nanny. I had regular babysitting jobs (one of my former babies is now 17 and is one of my best friends and will be in my wedding one day, Crush has met her). I was a lifeguard. I taught swim lessons. I have younger cousins. I took acting classes. I like being silly. My mom is the baby whisperer and handles a doodie diaper and a crying child like no one's business (half of the reason why BB's nightly scream order is, "Mommy!, Nanny! (my mom), Daddy!, Elmo! (too cute for words)."
Crush and I have had different lives and pasts. Some would consider my life charmed (I grew up wanted, my parents are still married, my dad paid for my college and will pay for my wedding....I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM!), but I always had a job. From the time I was 12 and watched the 17 year old's I mentioned above, older sissy, I have worked. I had after school jobs, weekend jobs, and summer jobs. From 7th grade until now, work has simply been a part of my life and because of work, I have learned how to do many things I wouldn't have otherwise, like how to clean vomit out of a urinal (waitressing at a bar), how to wash towels (manager at a pool), and how to change and bathe a baby after they have had a total diaper blowout (babysitting).
Crush had never worked before his adult job now. He grew up with full-time help. Live in maids and then separate people who cooked. He went to prep school for high school and left him home truly at 15. His family is wealthier than mine, but you would NEVER know it by meeting Crush. He is frugal. With a capital F.
His lack of spending, doesn't bother me because I would rather leave something for my future family than waste every penny on mindless things now....but, sometimes I wonder....how did you get to be in your 30's without knowing how to cook, clean, or even tip (I once caught him leaving $3.00 on a $50.00 check WHERE we experienced great food and fantastic service)?
The reality is that no one taught him and he never learned from experience.
Unlike me, he never worked at a restaurant and learned that you make money from tips and tips alone for the most part....(he thought servers got paid well hourly...?). Our pasts are different.
Yet, I don't speak a second language like Crush does. I also don't know how to play the bass, acoustic guitar, or piano like my love. And let's not forget that I have no idea how to save, play the stock market, or how to invest. We really do balance each other out. We both bring equal experience and knowledge into our common bond. It is really neat.
While Crush and I were playing with BB, he kept talking like Opera Man (well, Opera's Man's one eyed cousin). It was slightly terrifying BB. As BB climbed into my arms for safety, Crush caught wind of the diss.
He asked me, "Does BB not like me?"
I replied, "BB loves you. The thing is, kids are like dogs. They sense things. BB can probably just tell that you don't know how to do the same things I know how to do yet, but when you show BB you can do them, then you will see, BB will come around. Maybe stop talking like Opera Man to start and just speak in your normal voice. Baby voices are cute and fun sometimes, but kids respond well to adult voices, too."
As the afternoon wore on, I showed Crush how to change a diaper, how to warm BB's milk cup, how to put BB in the car seat, and how to get on BB's coat, hat, and mittens. By the time we got home, Crush and BB held hands as he took BB inside. It was real sweet. My Sissy was VERY impressed. It takes a lot for BB to warm up to people, especially to men as BB is around ladies most of the time.
It showed me that everything is teachable and everything can be learned.
You just need 2 willing parties.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
I've Changed
I have changed.
I know this.
So much in the last year.
I am a different person now.
I have learned lessons.
Can I confess something?
I was fired today for the second time in 2 weeks.
I wish I was upset, but I am not. I HATED the 2 clients that fired me and I didn't trust my instincts initially when I accepted their business. I have truly learned who I can and cannot help and as much as I wish I could help everyone that comes to me, I am only a person, just one. There were signs after signs after signs and yet I was the old me, the one that tried to conform without being honest and it bit me in the tush this time and oh yes, let's not forget....the time before.
You live and you learn. But, this time, I have really learned.
I know that I make business mistakes. BUT, I mostly only make them with clients I don't like. It is like I am subconsciously trying to push them away, to make them stop the constant email with the follow up texts, "did you get my email" texts about things that I am in the process of handling. If you micromanage me, I can't manage...it makes me feel smothered and suffocated and judged and pushed and like I have already disappointed you and it is one of the reasons I now ask all of my clients for 24 hours turn time on any request unless it is absolutely urgent.....because I need time to process and sometimes I am busy with other clients working.....and I have to show everyone the same amount of respect and be present....sometimes sadly, this includes turning my phone to silent for a few hours at a time.
Today, while I was being fired, I wish I would have handled it differently. Now that I think about it, she was trying to fire me for weeks and I was making it difficult as I wasn't passing along documents upon request because I was questioning why she needed them and she didn't like it. Something was fishy. It was like my heart was telling me something and yet I wasn't convinced in my mind. But, I said sorry and I wished it could be better and I almost cried, but then I didn't. Because, I am connected to my heart now and my heart knew that this was GREAT news.....I was free from the abuse I had volunteered myself to.
I looked at my calendar and I realized that the 2 clients who have recently fired me, hired me BEFORE I started dating Crush. He has changed me...but this time, for the better. Softened me, relaxed me, made me able to smell the roses and turn off my phone sometimes. Crush has given me the confidence and assurance to know that I am not always wrong (I make mistakes because I am a person, but sometimes I am right, too), that honesty is always the best policy, and that sometimes admitting defeat and to the impossible is the best way to proceed.
I realize that my clients that fired me, hired a different person and then wondered what happened and I TOTALLY get this...in the year that we had been working together.....I have evolved into someone so different....sometimes I hardly recognize myself.
After I met Crush, I FINALLY started booking the clients I wanted. The ones I know I work best with and the ones that trust me, respect me, and work well with me in return.........Oy, between us, I seriously stopped working for both of the former clients when they kept having conversations about my communication which was basically why I couldn't email or text them back in less than 1 minute.......because when I started working with them both, I had more time and less respect for myself and I slept with the phone next to my head and answered emails and texts instantly, even at 3:00 am.....I was so hungry for approval, for acceptance of any kind, to be busy to free my mind from my unknown future and building a business in a city I didn't see myself long-term....I worked 18 hours a day to distract myself from my life....between sleeping with my phone on my head of course.
The client today asked me "how I could wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror knowing I was such a horrible person" and the old me would have been so bothered by this comment...but, now, well, now I am proud to see myself, even if I am not all the things I sometimes wish I was.....aka thin. The person I see in the mirror has a heart, a soul, love, and self respect. I am kind, generous beyond a fault, and patient. I know this former client will not get what they want without me, but they made their choice and I wish them the best. Truly I do.
But, I know something. I know both of these clients were being shady in their own way, but I started my relationships with them differently. In the last year, I have become honest. I have always had an issue with honesty because I hated myself. It was easier to lie than to face reality. But, now, I handle business differently and life differently and mid-process I stopped lying. I did business and that may involve some spinning, but no lies and that is where I believe both of these clients lost faith and trust in me. I am not the bullshitter of the past. I am real. I am now a straight shooter and they wouldn't have hired me now, for the person I am now. Bad fit. They wanted miracles, dreams, and perfection and the old me promised that....the new me knows better.
So, they say, from every failure comes a great success. I truly believe this. Now, that these 2 clients, the only 2 causing me stress, strain, and really bad anxiety are gone....now I can focus on my other clients and my future plans and being honest. Because I feel like my new honesty has given me such a better life.
God works in mysterious ways. Life is strange. But, today's firing was for a date that happened to fall on my birthday. I have worked my last 2 birthdays. For 20 hours at least each day and I didn't even mention it....meaning, no one knew it was my bday aside from family and my closest friends....I hardly got any bday wishes at all last year because I am not longer on Facebook...and it was peaceful and depressing...I felt like I hardly existed, even some of the people who know and love me the best forgot to wish me well and I blame in mostly on FB, but also because I was sending such a vibe of being busy working and not caring about myself, that who would have known?
Last year, a lovely client of mine dedicated me a cupcake and a candle and sang me "Happy Birthday" at their celebration because one of my assistants let it slip that I was working on my bday and my client was super touched that I never once mentioned it and let them shine. They told me to make a wish and I wished for love.
They told me that they wished that, "I didn't have to work on my birthday next year," and now I don't because I was fired.
I know I should feel bad about being dismissed, but I have never felt so good about just being me.
I vow to live each day honestly, open, and positive. Ever since I did, my world is righting itself all over the place!
Sweet dreams,
R & F
I know this.
So much in the last year.
I am a different person now.
I have learned lessons.
Can I confess something?
I was fired today for the second time in 2 weeks.
I wish I was upset, but I am not. I HATED the 2 clients that fired me and I didn't trust my instincts initially when I accepted their business. I have truly learned who I can and cannot help and as much as I wish I could help everyone that comes to me, I am only a person, just one. There were signs after signs after signs and yet I was the old me, the one that tried to conform without being honest and it bit me in the tush this time and oh yes, let's not forget....the time before.
You live and you learn. But, this time, I have really learned.
I know that I make business mistakes. BUT, I mostly only make them with clients I don't like. It is like I am subconsciously trying to push them away, to make them stop the constant email with the follow up texts, "did you get my email" texts about things that I am in the process of handling. If you micromanage me, I can't manage...it makes me feel smothered and suffocated and judged and pushed and like I have already disappointed you and it is one of the reasons I now ask all of my clients for 24 hours turn time on any request unless it is absolutely urgent.....because I need time to process and sometimes I am busy with other clients working.....and I have to show everyone the same amount of respect and be present....sometimes sadly, this includes turning my phone to silent for a few hours at a time.
Today, while I was being fired, I wish I would have handled it differently. Now that I think about it, she was trying to fire me for weeks and I was making it difficult as I wasn't passing along documents upon request because I was questioning why she needed them and she didn't like it. Something was fishy. It was like my heart was telling me something and yet I wasn't convinced in my mind. But, I said sorry and I wished it could be better and I almost cried, but then I didn't. Because, I am connected to my heart now and my heart knew that this was GREAT news.....I was free from the abuse I had volunteered myself to.
I looked at my calendar and I realized that the 2 clients who have recently fired me, hired me BEFORE I started dating Crush. He has changed me...but this time, for the better. Softened me, relaxed me, made me able to smell the roses and turn off my phone sometimes. Crush has given me the confidence and assurance to know that I am not always wrong (I make mistakes because I am a person, but sometimes I am right, too), that honesty is always the best policy, and that sometimes admitting defeat and to the impossible is the best way to proceed.
I realize that my clients that fired me, hired a different person and then wondered what happened and I TOTALLY get this...in the year that we had been working together.....I have evolved into someone so different....sometimes I hardly recognize myself.
After I met Crush, I FINALLY started booking the clients I wanted. The ones I know I work best with and the ones that trust me, respect me, and work well with me in return.........Oy, between us, I seriously stopped working for both of the former clients when they kept having conversations about my communication which was basically why I couldn't email or text them back in less than 1 minute.......because when I started working with them both, I had more time and less respect for myself and I slept with the phone next to my head and answered emails and texts instantly, even at 3:00 am.....I was so hungry for approval, for acceptance of any kind, to be busy to free my mind from my unknown future and building a business in a city I didn't see myself long-term....I worked 18 hours a day to distract myself from my life....between sleeping with my phone on my head of course.
The client today asked me "how I could wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror knowing I was such a horrible person" and the old me would have been so bothered by this comment...but, now, well, now I am proud to see myself, even if I am not all the things I sometimes wish I was.....aka thin. The person I see in the mirror has a heart, a soul, love, and self respect. I am kind, generous beyond a fault, and patient. I know this former client will not get what they want without me, but they made their choice and I wish them the best. Truly I do.
But, I know something. I know both of these clients were being shady in their own way, but I started my relationships with them differently. In the last year, I have become honest. I have always had an issue with honesty because I hated myself. It was easier to lie than to face reality. But, now, I handle business differently and life differently and mid-process I stopped lying. I did business and that may involve some spinning, but no lies and that is where I believe both of these clients lost faith and trust in me. I am not the bullshitter of the past. I am real. I am now a straight shooter and they wouldn't have hired me now, for the person I am now. Bad fit. They wanted miracles, dreams, and perfection and the old me promised that....the new me knows better.
So, they say, from every failure comes a great success. I truly believe this. Now, that these 2 clients, the only 2 causing me stress, strain, and really bad anxiety are gone....now I can focus on my other clients and my future plans and being honest. Because I feel like my new honesty has given me such a better life.
God works in mysterious ways. Life is strange. But, today's firing was for a date that happened to fall on my birthday. I have worked my last 2 birthdays. For 20 hours at least each day and I didn't even mention it....meaning, no one knew it was my bday aside from family and my closest friends....I hardly got any bday wishes at all last year because I am not longer on Facebook...and it was peaceful and depressing...I felt like I hardly existed, even some of the people who know and love me the best forgot to wish me well and I blame in mostly on FB, but also because I was sending such a vibe of being busy working and not caring about myself, that who would have known?
Last year, a lovely client of mine dedicated me a cupcake and a candle and sang me "Happy Birthday" at their celebration because one of my assistants let it slip that I was working on my bday and my client was super touched that I never once mentioned it and let them shine. They told me to make a wish and I wished for love.
They told me that they wished that, "I didn't have to work on my birthday next year," and now I don't because I was fired.
I know I should feel bad about being dismissed, but I have never felt so good about just being me.
I vow to live each day honestly, open, and positive. Ever since I did, my world is righting itself all over the place!
Sweet dreams,
R & F
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