Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A World Without Men

I am not a lesbian, but I would be fine living in a world without men.  I know this is a crazy statement.  I know this is because I am bitter.  I know that lesbians like men and most likely want them on earth, even if they don't want to sleep with them.

Men always ruin my happiness.  Men take my friends and my sister away from me.  Men become all my friends care about because these men become their husbands.  Men become who I guard myself from, men make me censor my calls to the few people that support me because I know these men will never understand and all of a sudden I have become the "damaged, lonely, erratic, and crazy friend and sister" to certain people.  I know that this is all probably in my head (besides my brother-in-law who is very open with how cray he thinks I am and is honestly someone I don't always care for at this time in my life because he lacks sensitivity, perspective, and kindness and may have been a virgin before he met my sister...nothing against virgins, he is just inexperienced in life minus academic achievements) and I really do genuinely love all of my friends' husbands.

I am a few years away from a permanently single stamp and a few pets (I won't say cats because I know a few lovely cat ladies with hottie husbands).  I am a few years away from being dried up and infertile and I am protecting myself by convincing myself that I don't want to be a mom because I want babies very much and I can't face the reality that maybe it isn't in the cards for me.  Shhhhhhhhhhh.....I even have names picked out for my little ones, but I won't readily admit that anymore unless you are someone I consider a friend for life because it makes me too vulnerable.

Men determine the size I must be to stay attractive.  Men make my feet hurt because they like high heels.  Men have a power over me.  I have never been myself truly in front of a man.  I always form the words in my mind before they hit my lips when I speak to a man.

I am weak when it comes to standing my ground with men.  Much of this comes from being called fat by men growing up and not calling the chanters "ugly, short, fat, small dicked, or stupid" as I should have.  One personal insult for another.  There is nothing that I can do to ever really get over this....I have tried.

Being called fat is far better than being called ugly, right?  I was always fat, not fat AND ugly, it would have been far worse to not have had a somewhat decent face......All my life: elementary, junior high, high school, college, post college, while with the Awful Ex who was obese when we were together btw, I have been called fat by men.  Even when I was skinny for me.  I have never been called fat by a woman, well only once, but only when she was retelling a story about how a guy called me fat.....weird, right?  Am I only fat to men?

I would be fine living in a world without men, because I would wear all the styles men hate that I love: red lipstick, capris, off the shoulder t-shirts, high waisted skirts, tube tops, and fury boots.... and I would eat dessert after every meal and never censor my words and have my friends and sister ALL to myself!

I remember getting this lump in my throat and flutter of anxiety in my heart when the boys started to call over to the all girls sleepovers in 6th grade to gossip and rank us on a 1-10 scale (always 8 for face and 5 for body for me) and thinking...."go away boys, leave us alone, let us have our innocence" and I still feel this way about men sometimes.  I mean, do I want to share myself with one or should I pass?

Will I allow myself to be hurt by words again in order to have a man?  Or, will I be able to find the right guy for me, the one that allows me to help my friends, be a little chubby, and say stupid things on the regular?

The jury is still out on this.....

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