You Gotta Have Faith and Other Self Declarations of Pretty Okayness

Have faith in yourself.  Religious preferences aside.

Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.

I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old.  I know.  I am sorry.  I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself.  I get it.  I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can.  Trust me.  And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days.  Now, I just own my reality.

Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back.  I am amazing myself, actually.  I don't get stuck on things like I used to.  I don't hold grudges.  I allow myself to treat every situation separately.  To process it and move on.  This blog is helping a lot.

While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it.  Just do the best you can.  Wrap things up and move on.  This is like the last semester of high school.  You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.

Clients are unhappy with me.  Why?  Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired.  Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad.  Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a backbone now.  When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady).  I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do.  Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!).  All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed.  I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?  THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME!  Well,  I wanted to be giving and kind.  I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts.  I needed to be heard.  I wanted to fix these people.

And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........

SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad.  My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party......  There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though.  My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest.  JUST LIKE CRUSH.  Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me.  But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY!  I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).

Back to the life rant:

I didn't listen to my inner voice.  My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......

From failure comes success.  I know this.

I am learning.

For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane.  I was living an insane life.  I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning.  I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.

BROKEN.

I spun my wheels.  I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.

I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay.  I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!).  I was so conflicted.  But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it.  I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready.  Life would suck without Crush. SUCK.  It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever.  I am my own biggest fan.  I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart.  My insides are good.  I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back.  Can everyone say that?

My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2.  He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..

Phase 1: Dating

Phase 2: Engagement

Phase 3: Marriage

Phase 4: Kids

I had to tell him.....let's just wait.  I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment.  This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list.  He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."

Made me cry.

Good Old Boy

I am dating a good ol' boy.  There is no way around this.  He is the text book definition according to Wiki.....

"The term can be used for well socialized white men who live in rural and generally Southern areas. If a man is humble and well thought of, he can be referred to as a "good old boy", regardless of his age. It is commonly applied to men with a family or generational wealth or prestige, or overall moral behavior."

I always wanted a man like this.  Some of my friends have married them and they make the BEST husbands and fathers.  I know this is the man for me....

BUT, well, but, lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that a LONG chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning.  I am okay with this.  Happy, excited, motivated.  I am just afraid.  I don't want to sit here and paint a picture that doesn't exist.  I have been a bit depressed lately.  Everything that I ever wanted is happening and I am walking around like a zombie.  It is like, "now what?"  So much of my identity was tied to being single, or being in a dysfunctional relationship.  I lived for my mistakes.  My OMGs, my WHY ME'S, my tears over wine and cheese, my hateful relationship with my own body and my own vagina.  Now that I don't have all of these defaults, now I can't really function well.  These were my distractions, my walls.  Without them, I don't feel as free as I wanted to.  I feel vulnerable.  Naked.  Alone.  

I picked a big fight with Crush the other day.  I mentioned it briefly in a blog entry.  What I didn't mention is that the words "well maybe we shouldn't be together anymore" fell out of my mouth.  I have no idea why.  Those are real words, fighting words.  The venom spewed out of me.

 We had been fighting a lot.  Much of it has to do with family things that are none of my business.  As the good ol' boy he is, he stays out and stays respectful and I should, too.  I appreciate all of your wonderful comments btw, I love advice and take it seriously and to heart. 

Sometimes I feel like a grownup compared to Crush...which is silly.  He is so pure.  He has never puked from drinking too much (he drinks though, just NOT like I used to), he has never done drugs, he has never had a one night stand that ended in sex.  He has never picked a fight with a stranger in Walgreen's, been flashed on a public bus, or had someone pee on their coat on the train (ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME).  Our lives and life experiences are different and that is good.  I dated the guy with a major drug problem (Socio), I dated the guy with a real love for booze (Awful)....I dated many others that had substance abuse issues as well and it never worked.  Why should I even question why Crush is a better fit for me....duh. We are simply different.  But, the differences are balancing out, like a seesaw, we are simply finding our rhythm. 

He can play several instruments well.  I can't.  He sits on the boards of several charities and organizations.  I don't.  He knows how to speak another language.  Not me.  He recites poetry, movie quotes, and passages from books.  He wins here, too.

I know what is happening.  I fear success.  I do.  I have not felt like I really deserved love until lately and then I met Crush.  Now, real things are happening.  Major things....friends meetings (so excited for this!), parents meeting, we are attending each other's significant family events (I will be his date to a wedding and he is coming to meet my Sissy's new baby who is due to hatch any day now)....this isn't just a man, this is my future.  I still deserve this.  I don't know why I am so scared.

I can't let the comfort of being a victim take over here.  I used to love lies, WHYS, and excuses.  I am not that person anymore, but the last threads are still unraveling here.  I can still feel my default issues inside of me even if they aren't my go-to coping mechanisms.

I am going back to therapy.  

Tumble and Fall (and Why My Bro-in-Law Truly Bothers Me)

One of the worst things I ever did........oy, it is so hard for me to admit......was push my sister down the stairs.  I could have hurt her.  I could have paralyzed her.  I could have killed her.

You see, many years ago, I was in a much better place from the outside in than my sister.  I had a corporate job, I was making good money, I had tons of friends, I had a nice apartment, an awesome roommate, I had possibilities.

My sister, she was stuck.  She was broke.  She was trying to follow her dreams.  She was confused. She was mending a broken heart.  She was pretty much where I am now.  I am sure it must have been really hard for her to wake up each and everyday when everyone else seemed to have everything she didn't.

On the night of the push, I was out with my friends.  It was a Friday.  I was drunk.  I was actually wasted.  I had had perhaps 6 drinks and 8 shots over the course of the evening and I was not the person to call when you needed help, but I am her sister, who else should she call?

My sister had been robbed.  Now now, don't get all worried.  My sister lost her wallet, got robbed, or misplaced items of life importance: phone, keys, ID, herself....on the regular.  She had just moved to a new less expensive place and hired some painter off of Craigslist to spruce up the walls. Robber Painter painted her place the ugly green and purple she requested and then he came back when she was at work after she overshared her schedule and took her TV, her toaster, and some of her plastic furniture.....honestly, there was nothing to steal.  Now, she needed my help, my drunk help, in the midst of my almost regular Friday night blackout.

When I arrived, staggering, we got into a fight.  I told her she was dumb for being robbed and she told me I was drunk (I was WASTED) and then we said all the things only sisters know to say to really push buttons and get the blood boiling:

Sister: Why are you so fat?

R & F: Why are you such a loser?

Sister: Why are you an alcoholic?

R & F: Why do you have no friends?

Sister: Why don't you ever have a boyfriend?

R & F: Why can't get get a real job?

Sister: Why do you try to be this person you aren't, why can't you see how fucked up you are?

R & F: PUSH

Darkness.......

I could have seriously killed my sister.  She fell down a steep flight of stairs.  The service stairs outside of an apartment building. I am so lucky, god I am so lucky, I believe in angels and they were there that night knowing my sister, my family, they shouldn't have to suffer this because of me.  I will always view this as my real get out of jail free card.  Her life could have been so different......

I was spared.  I was fucking spared.  She barely had a scratch.

I really stopped the destructive drinking after that.  Do I still drink occasionally?  Yes.  Did I ever get violent like that again?  No.  But the truth lives here and I did push Awful a few times, mostly when I would bring up marriage drunk and he wouldn't directly answer my questions.  OMG, I am as cliche as a Lifetime movie........Guilty as charged.  I do have a drink from time to time, in the right company and usually out of town and I enjoy it and I know when to stop, so I will give myself a pat on the back as we all know me and food....yeesh, not so good.

Truth, I mostly hate my brother-in-law because he brings up this incident a lot.  I know he is married to my sister, but this incident happened 4 years before he ever met my sister.  I just feel like it isn't really his story to bring up.  This is how he brings it up:

Sister: What do you want to order for dinner?

Brother-in-law: Sushi

R & F: Pizza

Sister: Let's get pizza.

Brother-in-law: Why don't you push your sister down the stairs.

R & F: Lump in throat. Tears spring to eyes.  Sushi is fine, I am really tired, I am going to take a little nap and then I go into the guest room and cry (my favorite hobby) into my pillow until my cali rolls arrive.

Every time he says it, it brings me back to that night.  The 15 seconds after I pushed her, drunk as shit, eyes still focusing, heart pounding, waiting for her to get up, to not be paralyzed, to not be dead.

Every time he says it, he makes me hate myself a little bit more, so that is why I really can't stand him.