Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Book Review Time: Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders (Review #1)

I love to read.  I love it all and plan to share some of my favorite books here as summer approaches and I am sure some of you may be looking for quality (hehe) beach reading.

So, yes, my first book review involves Brandi Glanville of the Eddie Cibrian/Leann Rimes love triangle and of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame....but, let me tell you, Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders is not half bad.

Last weekend while on the trip, one of my besties (who has the same refined reading palette as me) recommended it as a fun, light, but also pretty good book for some airplane and before bed reading.  She finished it in less than 2 days and thought I would love it.  She actually said "you are Brandi." and I agree.

Whereas, I do not have breast implants, a divorce agreement, or 2 sons, we do share the same outlook on life, men, and owning reality (she is open about her depression, vagina, and bad relationships), so if you are looking for a quick breezy and super juicy read, indulge just a little, you will not be disappointed.

Prior to reading this little book, I really HATED Miss Brandi.  I thought she was dramatic, entitled, and pretty much living on another planet.  But, now, I am totally Team Brandi.  Sister went through a lot, was left with nothing, and made lemonade out of crab apples.  She really persevered first and foremost for her children and I can't hate on the book, you will see!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Slow As Molasses

Crush is slow slow slow.  Slow as molasses.  He moves like a turtle.  I am impatient.  It is an interesting fit.

Crush takes a long time to do everything and anything.  I mean everything!  Making love...1 hour minimum.  Getting ready for supper.....1 hour minimum.  Packing the car...yup, 1 hour minimum.

When you are driving on the highway and see the speed limit signs that read 65 mph maximum and 45 mph minimum and you think....who drives 45 mph on the interstate?  My boyfriend.

This weekend, when my besties were visiting, we decided to go visit the beach and head about 1 hour away from where we had been staying.  Crush and I left the city a full 45 minutes before them and they beat us!  Sllllllllloooooooooooooow he is.

When I rush him, he can't quite handle it.  He falls (literally), tripping right over his feet.  He does stupid time savers like putting paper towels in the toilet instead of the trash can because "I was rushing him and he didn't want to go all the way to the garbage to throw them out because it would waste time...", he panics and runs around accomplishing nothing and then in turn makes me super nervous.

From our visits together, I realize, this man simply needs his time.  So, I have started to do my best to give him the 1 hour warning he needs to get things done without twisting his ankle....yes, it really did happen when he was feeling hurried.  Then Mister Molasses was on crutches.  The 1 hour minimum, became 2....OY!

A slower pace is good for me.   I need it and I look forward to meandering a bit.  Crush takes time to say hello to an acquaintance on the street even if it means being 5 minutes late for a restaurant reservation.  Crush doesn't feel the immediacy to get instantly back to clients via email like I do.  He is better at figuring at what needs to be done because it is necessary, not because he can see an email come in on his phone.

The culture of the city he lives in, allows for this pace.  A slower way of life encompasses his entire reality.  I used to hate it and somewhat resent it and now I am in awe of it.  I want to take the time to smell the flowers every single day, too. I think I would have been super happy and productive in the days before computers and cell phones...though, I would indeed miss this blog.

As we have gotten closer, I have started to have to slow my roll.  There are times when one can actually have that second cup of coffee, take a lingering stroll, and make love for 2 hours and nothing is going to happen.  There are certain things in life that do require absolute promptness and efficiency, but there are many things that don't, too.  I feel like these days, everyone is so overstimulated and overcharged, that enjoying a 2 hour meal is an absolute luxury.....

Where I am going, it is just dinner.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Almost Home, Yet Right At Home

I return tomorrow to the cold and my final months up North.  I wish I could stay here forever (even though it is unseasonably cold here, too).  I have never felt so at home.  This weekend exceeded all of my wildest expectations.

As I shared, 2 of my besties came to visit Crush and me in my new almost hometown and the weekend is one I will NEVER forget.  Both besties are pregnant and glowing and seeing them with their hubbies and bellies really made my year.

Crush was his charming self and besties reported in that he reminded them of my dad.  I agree.  Crush IS JUST LIKE my dad come to think of it.  He is kind, quiet, pure of heart, honest, and a real observer......Maybe that is why I love him so much, because he reminds me of one of the greatest men I know.  My daddy is the best: he wanted me, raised me, and has never stopped believing and supporting me (and my besties reminded me of a few stories I must share that daddy wasn't so proud of at the time).  

Besties, hubbies, Crush, and I did a little site-seeing, took a quick trip to the beach (brrrr, it was freezing, but there will be others times, that I am sure of), and ATE ATE is what we do best all together.  And let me tell you, years ago it was DRINK DRINK DRINK, so.......much improvement.

I love that I can be ME with besties and Crush.  I can be ALL of me.  There are no secrets.  There are no forbidden stories.  There are no filters.  Crush likes ME for ME.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I told him I was WILD and he didn't really believe me because he knows present me.  And besties know me now AND me 12+ years ago, so I am glad that Crush got to hear about old me through the best orators in town.

I have always wanted what I have now with Crush.  A man I am proud of.  I love to hold his hand, sit next to him at the dinner table, and smile for cheesy photos.  My besties have the best husbands and now in our little group, I found my own gent, the missing piece for many years.  It is not about being a 5th wheel.  I have brought serious boyfriends to the table and I have sat alone proudly.  It is about bringing the right kind of man for me to the mix and that is and always will be my Crush.

I know that no one is happier for me than my friends and that kind of love....there are no words to express my gratitude....I am tearing up just typing it.

Friends come and friends go, but once in a while, you connect in a way that cannot be broken.  That connection is one for life and when you find it, you just know.  You may talk only a few times a month, but the bond in your heart, it is a daily one.  Washing the girls who held back my hair when I vomited, let me throw chicken nuggets at them in drunk range, and always supported my CRAZY ideas become the best wives and mommies has been such an honor.  They are terrific role models for me.

The future has so much in store.  Bonfires at the beach.  Smores and sandcastles.  Babies in bathing suits.

More best friend reunions.  Next time with new life in tow.

Pinch me.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Working Towards to New Habits

It takes me a long time to get into routines and a short time to get out of them.....

Lately I am working towards fulfilling a few simple routines and I am doing pretty okay at them.  I am quite pleased.  When I am focused, I can be really on point, but I can't do anything unless my heart is in it and my heart is really into self improvement these days.

A fews routines I am currently sticking to:

1.  I am still gluten-free for the most part.  I would say 85 percent of the time.  I hope to continue to do this for as long as I can.  It would be awesome to go a week without a wheat treat, but sometimes the force is too strong and I accept defeat.  I am working on being less all or nothing, so if a cookie meets my lips and I really want it....I become Cookie Monster.

2.  I have been going to the gym 5 times a week.  This is good for me.  Again, not the old me, who either went to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY or NEVER.  I have mixed it up a bit and I am doing all types of classes: spinning, bar method, muscle, and yoga.  Boy, it feels good and I am getting fantastic results for me because I am working out muscle groups that have been neglected for far to long.  This is because I like the easy way out, so I just did spin class all the time because I like it.

3.  Sleeping with the lights off.  Oy.  Embarrassing time.  I am SUPER afraid of the dark.  I know I have mentioned this briefly before....but, I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS and I still cannot turn the light off.  I am 31.  Laugh at me.  I can take it.  I have a fear of being attacked in my sleep.  Some of this has to do with the fact that I lived in a haunted (NO JOKE and I will post about it soon) room in college and some of this has to do with the fact that I was once home alone in an apartment I once lived in while a homeless man was trying to break in and I saw him and he saw me (he was trying to break in through a sliding glass door) and it didn't deter him, he appeared to me on drugs...what did deter him was my neighbor thankfully coming up the back stairs with laundry from the laundry room out back and yelling at him and calling 911.  I will always be grateful of that neighbor.  In crisis situations I freeze like a statue.  It makes me not trust myself.  Good news, I have slept 5 full nights in the dark.  When I am with Crush, I have no problem with the dark.  It is just when I am sleeping alone.

4.  Washing my face, brushing my teeth, taking out my contacts.  I know.  I am gross.  Until recently, I could sleep in full makeup and go to the gym and workout in it and not get a single zit.  Those days are sadly over.  My skin has become super sensitive and I NEED to do my nightly rituals if I want clear skin, white teeth, and vision.  I am often okay about this, but when I get depressed (and I was for a while there with the firings), my hygiene sadly goes out the window...sorry Crush!

5.  Last but not least, I am tracking my calories again.  Birds are singing.  I seriously think I have had nothing to eat on days when I am pulling in a cool 3,000 calories.  It is clear to me that I need to track to stay in reality with the food and the days I do are always better than the days I don't.  A milkshake is not 10 calories just because I tell myself it is in my mind.....



Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Changing My Ways

I have a lot to share and boy oh boy, things have been busy.

Since, I was fired by 2 clients.....oy, still haunting me, I picked up 2 new clients and in an effort to not get fired again, I have been very selective about who I am taking on, I have changed my processes in terms of task completion, and I have created formal business hours for me.....I check email from 8:00 am - 10:00 am (already caught up for the morning) and then again from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm, Sunday - Thursday.  Of course this is only if I do not have an appointment at these times.  The general plan is 4 hours a day on my email, 2 in the morning and 2 at night.  Let's see how this works.

Lately, I have received a few very clever out of office messages from other vendors who let their clients know when they will be online checking email.  There is a part of this I SUPER respect, but I don't think my clients would appreciate it.  Email is sadly becoming a full-time job and I feel super glued to my computer, phone, and other devices often.  My goal is whenever I see Crush (I am going out tomorrow night) I unplug and in order to do this, I have to bust my behind a few days before I go to get everything set up correctly....

Yes, I am very lucky these days as I saw Crush just a few weeks ago when Little Baby was born and now I am seeing him this weekend and then in 2 weeks, I am heading back for a wedding.....!   SUPER EXCITED!

This trip coming up is VERY special for me.  I will be introducing Crush to 2 of my very best friends who are coming up and coming down with their husbands to visit the wonderful city that Crush calls home and to meet him.  Both of my besties are currently with child and this will be a baby moon of sorts as they are leaving their little ones at home for some good food, some quiet time, and a little site-seeing. Dinner and 1 special lunch reservation are set, but other than that, I want them to have time to just chill out.  I get LOTS of time to focus on me, but I know when you become a mommy, it all changes.

Their visiting means a lot to me because it takes tons effort to get together these days.  I am hoping I can carve out some time to meet both of their new additions come summer when they make their appearances, but I will be in the midst of my busiest work time and I will also be getting all set to move.....I leave September 9th and I don't think I will be back anytime soon....fingers crossed.

Last night before I fell asleep, I was thinking that this could be the last time my friends see me before I get engaged.  I know I am putting the cart before the horse here....but I know Crush is already discussing rings and timing with me....getting engaged in 2013, so we can get married in I do think it may be coming this year..... A girl can dream, right?!  Crush was ready to have a baby yesterday, so I do think seeing my friends with their little bumps may only speed up this process more and I can't say I am frowning about it.

I will be posting a few more times before I go, but I will be a bit quiet come Thursday-Monday when I am with besties and Crush turned off.

Hope all is well and have a great day!


Friday, March 15, 2013

Wheat Free Not Wednesday (4)

Yes it is Friday.

I ate mostly wheat free this week, but there was some pizza and an amazing cupcake in there.

I went to the gym 5 out of 7 days, which is my goal for working least 5 days a week.

I have been addicted to spin for 5 years now, but for the last 3, I have gone in and out with how often I go, but it will always be the default workout that gets me back into the gym.

Because my body is used to spinning, I do not always see the results I once did unless I push myself really hard every single class, which I should be doing anyway, but can't always bring myself to do.  Since, I love it, I still do it, but I do have to change it up for best results.  Enter Bar Method.  My gym offers a ballet body fusion which is basically Bar Method and it ROCKS.  It is basically a mix of ballet, pilates, yoga, and a core class. It tones, lengthens, and strengthens like nothing I have ever tried! 

A BFF told me about it and how much she loves it and since she is often (always) right, I decided to try it and I am becoming obsessed in a good way!  I have done 4 classes in the last 10 days or so and I can ALREADY see is crazy.......I cannot believe I cannot wait for Sunday....when I have class.

The class at my gym is done in an 80 degree studio, so your muscles and joints really loosen and you can focus on balance.  It is addicting. 

I haven't been counting calories for the last few weeks, but it is time this week, I have been eating a lot of junk these days....even though I have continued to

Week 1: -3
Week 2: -2

Week 3: - 1
Week 4: -1
Week 5: - 1.5 

TOTAL: - 8.5

Happy weekend! 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Can't We ALL Just Get Along

I love other ladies.  Not in a sexual way, but I do get a deep girl crush from time to time.  I see the appeal in the fairer sex.

I am not a hater of my kind.  Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it.  Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.

One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition.  He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services.  This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths  Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.

Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality.  When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect.  You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself.  I hate when ladies cannot admit a little that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.

Please don't confuse this with negativity.  It is the opposite.  This is ownership.  This is pulling the veil off of life.  A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man.  Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired.  Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.

Now, time for a rant.

I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow.  Want to know why?  Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL.  You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective.  It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life.  Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.

In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me.  If you are up for it, share a few about you!

1.  I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.

2.  I have stretch marks and cellulite.  I have stretch marks on my lower tummy.  I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.

3.  I have a big vagina.  I have big labia.  I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina.  I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"

4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college.  I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year).  It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers  and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work.  A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.

5.  I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk.  He was a friend of a friend.  I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me.  I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall.  How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months).  As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me.  The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.

6.  I binge eat and have since I was 8.  My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread.  It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

7.  I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.

8.  I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to.  I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.

9.  I have an anger problem.  When I was younger, it was bad.  Temper tantrums.  Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist.  It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving.  At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering."  The rage I felt at that moment was white hot.  I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge.  This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor.  Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too.  They used to hit my Sissy and me.  The way to end a fight in my home is to break something.  Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.

10.  If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian.  I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit.  Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Dirty Boy

I remember just a year ago, sobbing my eyes out that I wanted a man.  Every friend that found a guy, who became her fiance, who became her husband, and who then became the father of her children.....oy!  There was only so much I could take. Turn the knife in my heart.  I was a bitter Betty.  A green-eyed monster.  A real pill if I do say so myself.

I wanted my time.  My man.  My ring.  My wedding.  My baby.

Now, I think it just may be happening and it has its pros AND its cons.

As is life.

I am finding that I love more things about being in a relationship than being single (and I fully believe I found my soul mate), but I miss more things about being single than I thought I would, too.

Sometimes it is just really nice to eat Peanut Butter Panda Puffs Cereal (gluten-free!) at 3:00 am in bed when you can't sleep while simultaneously reading Daily Mail......this is hard when you like to do it with the lights on, Panda Puffs are a very crunchy snack and make tons of noise...and oh yes, there is a man trying to sleep next to you!

I get how bad being single can feel some times.  The emptiness.  The solitude.  The wanting.  It really is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I truly sympathize with anyone who wants love and is seeking it.  As I have said before: PLEASE DO NOT SETTLE!  Everyone deserves the REAL thing when they are ready.  Finding that takes time.....sometimes I think if I was granted 3 wishes by a magical genie, 1 of them would be "for everyone who wants love to find it instantly."  Because I know the dating process....well, don't mind my language, but it is FUCKING EXCRUCIATING.

But......... I also know when I was single, my favorite vintage wrap dress (ebay score!) didn't have 3 moth holes.

Let me explain....

Crush is a dirty boy and I am not talking about in bed.  He is literally a slob upon slobs.  I fear Hoarders on A&E quality.

The way he lives disgusts me.  And yes, he has moths.  And because I hung some of my dresses in a closet with some of his infested sweaters....2 of my dresses now have holes and I had to dry-clean everything else in my wardrobe.

The one and only time (we stay other places when I visit as he is very blessed to have these options) I visited his home, I gagged.  Tears sprung to my eyes.  It felt like my past was my present, like I was in my own version of Dicken's, A Christmas Carol.

Many moons ago, I was the biggest slob I knew.  Like Crush, I have always been great about my personal hygiene, but my room, oh my, my was a garbage can.  Clothes on the floor, dirty dishes under the bed, unopened mail....the works.  I lived somewhat like this until I was 26 and finally got my depression under control.  I was living alone and my anxiety and OCD were on the downswing.  All of a sudden, the daily tasks that I hated became less of a big deal: dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom....they became routine and something I started to not even think about doing.

When I asked Crush the last time he washed his sheets a few weeks ago when he was trying to convince me to stay at his home...he replied, "a few months, I don't know, maybe September."


I couldn't help it.  I burst into tears.  I never said I was good at controlling my emotions.

I am sure everyone is wondering why this man cannot clean his room.  I know that was my first thought....

The truth is because he doesn't want to.  It isn't that important to him.  He lived a charmed life with live-in help and the only time he ever HAD to clean his room was when he went to boarding school and I know while he was there, his room HAD to be spotless.  It was checked daily in the AM and PM.  It gave him horrible anxiety.  He had a terrible time at boarding school (he HATED it, but completed it as it is his family way) and I think chaos makes him feel more in control than cleanliness.

(SIDE-NOTE: I am the ONLY one that knows just how much and how hard boarding school was for Crush.  I want him to journal his experiences...they are CRAZY.  Like 15 year-olds doing coke at 2:00 pm on a Tuesday while they do their homework and then calling their nannies while hysterically crying because their moms will not accept their calls and are in exotic countries vacationing semi-permanently and they only see them on Xmas for 3 days a year.....also, Crush is such a gentle soul, this was A LOT for him to handle....Between us, I think I could have found such out bursts to be rather entertaining, but I am sure not when I was 15 and sharing a room with it....)

So, what is a girl to do?

I had to have a sincere conversation with Crush and let him know that I need him to either clean up his space adequately or continue to plan to make other arrangements as needed for us to stay until I move full-time.  It looks like we won't be staying there for a while.  I am not a princess, but his room is the size of a pantry and he has a bed, desk, 3 filing cabinets, a TV, an armoire, and 2 bed side tables in this box.  If I was looking at it from a potential renter's perspective,  I would question if a full sized bed would fit in it and he has a king.....I mean, ONLY a bed and NO other furniture.

I begged him to get College Hunks Hauling Junk is that bad.

When Crush and I are together, our relationship is rather traditional.  I make meals, I clean up, I do our laundry.  His mess is not really an issue as I take care of it as it appears.  It never really has a chance to manifest into something inhabitable, like his place.  I do not feel overwhelmed by it.  From being a former slob, I know how to nip it in the bud.

We will have a traditional marriage.  I think I will be able to pursue personal accomplishments and work for satisfaction and not for economic gain.  This works for me, but I know that this is not for everyone.  Keep in mind, I met Crush online and knew NONE of his situation until the 4th time we saw each other.....when I met his family it ALL started to make sense...I felt like I was in a movie or something......AND DUH!.....Crush is accomplished, but it is family accomplishments of the past that have lent to his particular situation.

Crush wants me to stay at home with our children and I am happy about this.  My mom stayed home with Sissy and me and my Sissy stays home with Big Baby and Little Baby, and Crush's mom stayed home with him and his siblings.  But, again, I prepare myself that the grass is ALWAYS greener....with the staying home, too.  Some of my friends who work the hardest are the ones that stay at home with their babies....everything is situational.  This is a personal choice that a couple makes.  There are pros and cons here and I know this can be a hot button topic and I understand and I wish I had the answers.

But, a part of me fears the "R" word....yes, resentment.  Will I start to resent Crush that I MUST clean if I don't want to live in a landfill?  Is this something I can deal with on a daily basis?

I know he won't change because he can't.  He has lived ALL of his life minus 3 years (boarding school) with either a lady in waiting or no consequences for his GROSS ASS MESS.

I just know that one day, if I agree to marry him, his mess will be a part of our lives for better or worse.....

I think I can handle it, but it is one of the reasons I want some practice time when I move next year before we get engaged.  I need to see the mess up-close and personal.

If there was ever a major deal breaker for would be a sheet last washed in September.....

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Opera Man

Do you remember Opera Man on Saturday Night Live? (Sheesh......Lorne Michaels, share your SNL clips!).

Adam Sandler sang the news in a goofy childlike way without finishing his words fully and everyone loved it, including me.

I love me some Adam Sandler, but not as much as Andy Samberg.  But, aren't they the same (yummy, hilarious, singing ugly they are HOT) just Adam is 1.0 and Andy is 2.0?

Yup, that is what I thought.....

So, a few weeks ago when Crush was up visiting Sissy and company, Crush and I took Big Baby out for the day.  The three of us had lunch, ice cream, went to the park (Big Baby LOVES the swings), and then an indoor jungle gym of sorts which had really random stuff like light tag and a moon jump.  I think I had more fun than Crush and BB did....I am young at heart.

This was the first time Crush was with BB without my mom or Sissy and he was somewhat in awe of my babysitting skills.  He asked me: "How do you know how to get BB in and out of the car seat? How do you know how to cut BB's food up like that?  How do you know all of those kid's songs?  How to you know how to change a diaper?  How do you know how to play like that?"

It was very cute.

My answer was: "Because it isn't that hard.  I use common sense.  I am not scared of little ones.  I was a camp counselor.  I was a nanny.  I had regular babysitting jobs (one of my former babies is now 17 and is one of my best friends and will be in my wedding one day, Crush has met her).  I was a lifeguard.  I taught swim lessons.  I have younger cousins.  I took acting classes.  I like being silly.  My mom is the baby whisperer and handles a doodie diaper and a crying child like no one's business (half of the reason why BB's nightly scream order is, "Mommy!, Nanny! (my mom), Daddy!,  Elmo! (too cute for words)."

Crush and I have had different lives and pasts.  Some would consider my life charmed (I grew up wanted, my parents are still married, my dad paid for my college and will pay for my wedding....I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM!), but I always had a job.  From the time I was 12 and watched the 17 year old's I mentioned above, older sissy, I have worked.  I had after school jobs, weekend jobs, and summer jobs.  From 7th grade until now, work has simply been a part of my life and because of work, I have learned how to do many things I wouldn't have otherwise, like how to clean vomit out of a urinal (waitressing at a bar), how to wash towels  (manager at a pool), and how to change and bathe a baby after they have had a total diaper blowout (babysitting).

Crush had never worked before his adult job now.  He grew up with full-time help.  Live in maids and then separate people who cooked.  He went to prep school for high school and left him home truly at 15.  His family is wealthier than mine, but you would NEVER know it by meeting Crush.  He is frugal.  With a capital F.

His lack of spending, doesn't bother me because I would rather leave something for my future family than waste every penny on mindless things now....but, sometimes I did you get to be in your 30's without knowing how to cook, clean, or even tip (I once caught him leaving $3.00 on a $50.00 check WHERE we experienced great food and fantastic service)?

The reality is that no one taught him and he never learned from experience.

Unlike me, he never worked at a restaurant and learned that you make money from tips and tips alone for the most part....(he thought servers got paid well hourly...?).   Our pasts are different.

Yet, I don't speak a second language like Crush does.  I also don't know how to play the bass, acoustic guitar, or piano like my love.  And let's not forget that I have no idea how to save, play the stock market, or how to invest.  We really do balance each other out.  We both bring equal experience and knowledge into our common bond. It is really neat.

While Crush and I were playing with BB, he kept talking like Opera Man (well, Opera's Man's one eyed cousin).  It was slightly terrifying BB.  As BB climbed into my arms for safety, Crush caught wind of the diss.

He asked me, "Does BB not like me?"

I replied, "BB loves you.  The thing is, kids are like dogs.  They sense things.  BB can probably just tell that you don't know how to do the same things I know how to do yet, but when you show BB you can do them, then you will see, BB will come around.  Maybe stop talking like Opera Man to start and just speak in your normal voice.  Baby voices are cute and fun sometimes, but kids respond well to adult voices, too."

As the afternoon wore on, I showed Crush how to change a diaper, how to warm BB's milk cup, how to put BB in the car seat, and how to get on BB's coat, hat, and mittens.  By the time we got home, Crush and BB held hands as he took BB inside.  It was real sweet.  My Sissy was VERY impressed.  It takes a lot for BB to warm up to people, especially to men as BB is around ladies most of the time.

It showed me that everything is teachable and everything can be learned.

 You just need 2 willing parties.

Travel Tip for Short Trips

As you all know, I have been going back and forth almost monthly to see my Crush.  I have become a much better packer.

When I am at my goal weight, traveling is super easy as I feel confidant, so I don't need ALL of my potions, lotions, and cosmetics to look good because I feel good on the inside. Also, my skin chills out the less I weigh.....yet another reason to get back down to 160 pounds. 

These days, I seem to be packing a whole bunch of my beauty products.  Not makeup, I have that down to a science (Naked Palette, Loreal Voluminous Mascara, Armani foundation, Nars Orgasm Blush, and Nars Heat Wave Lipstick), but it is the shower, skin, and face products that are weighing down my bags.

It gets difficult as so many of my favorite things do not come travel sized (coconut oil!).  Because my skin often gets irrational when I take it places, I like having my old favorites (coconut oil!) on hand at all times to help comfort a flare.

Enter a very good solution, an empty contact case!

I remember reading somewhere years ago, that an empty contact case can make a nice little pot for broken lipstick.  Meaning that if your lipstick breaks, you can cut it out of the tube, put it in some contact cases and then apply it with your finger (my way!) or a lip brush.

A few weeks ago when I packing to see Sissy, I thought, why not take my coconut oil in a few empty contact cases rather than lug the heavy jar with worked beautifully.  

Remember, contact cases are designed to hold a liquid, contact solution, so they are secure, if you close them correctly.  I have personally tried it with my vitamin E oil, my argon oil, and my coconut oil. They have all traveled wonderfully, no accidents.  I could see packing eye cream, lotion, face moisturizer,  conditioner, is the limit, especially for short trips!  

I bought a bunch of contact cases at the dollar store (and I had a bunch floating around, too because I have worn contacts since I was 15) and I labeled them with a black permanent  marker, so I know what is inside of each one.  I put the cases in my carry-on liquid Ziploc, in case they opened, but none of them did.

I took this one step further and now I am carrying a little vitamin E oil in my daily makeup bag for those times when I need some intense moisture for my skin or lips. 

Try it!  It will save you some precious packing space! 

BEST ADVICE Regarding Working Out

I love blogging.

I love sharing my stories, my fears,  my small successes.

My favorite part is the advice I receive from readers.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the wisdom, the honesty, and the helpful tips.

A few days ago, I posted about how I can no longer eat Big Macs with reckless abandonment because I know how many calories I am burning during my spin classes because my gym got new bikes.

I received wonderful comments and "WHOOTS" of support (THANK YOU!), but one comment from the always wonderful Danielle at Zombie Love Affair, I just had to was so simple, yet so effective for me:

"The 'reward' for working out hard is looking and feeling good"

SO TRUE!  There is no better reason to work out.  To feel strong.  To feel capable.  To feel shapely.

I always practiced the notion that a workout was to be rewarded with food.  

I am always ravenous when I first get back into a workout routine until my body adjusts, so in my mind, I felt like I needed the extra food....and no!  I would push myself in a class daydreaming about pizza, milk shakes, and hamburgers.  Then, in the next thought, I would daydream about myself in my favorite bikini.  Oy, Ready & Fading, OY! 

Yesterday, after a particularly awesome spinning class, while I was at the gym showering, I thought about how awesome and accomplished I was already feeling about my day.  It was only 9:00 am and I had answered several emails, took an exercise class, and now I was getting ready for my afternoon appointments.  I look down at my legs and thought to myself, "hey, not bad." My cheeks felt flushed, my tush felt tight, and my calves were still burning.  

That was the workout reward........feeling untouchable.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

I Bought A Dress REVISITED

Last month I told you that I bought a dress in 2 different sizes.  And I tried them on again and the smaller size fit.  Yes, that is right, I accomplished a mini goal!

I think it fit because I cut wheat for the most part (there have been wheat slip ups, but I am just trying for the majority, not perfection....all or nothing just doesn't work for me anymore!) out of my diet 90 percent of the time. I also have been trying to hit the gym 4-5 times a week.

Cutting the wheat has really helped control my binges and excessive over eating.  I will say that my skin isn't looking as good as it did before.  I am bummed.  I initially gave up wheat to help my skin.

But, psoriasis is an immune disorder without a real cure, so I will try anything and everything.  The fact that I lost 7 pounds in about a month while still eating french fries, chocolate, and ice cream AND that I haven't binged too much is a total win for me. I am sticking with a mostly what free diet skin improvement or not.  I know when I head down south, my skin will improve a bit, too....nothing helps it like the sun and salt water.

So, now that I made my smaller dress goal, I am going to make another mini one....4 more pounds before the wedding.  I have over 3 weeks, so I think if I keep going to the gym and resisting is my weakness....I can do it.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Reality Check....Spin Class DOES NOT = Big Macs (and sigh....)

Good news!  My gym got new spin bikes.

Bad news!  Now I know exactly how far, how fast, and how many calories I have burned each class.

I am torn on this.

I liked just cruising on my little spin bike.  I liked sweating and bopping on the bars and lip-syncing to Gaga and Kelly Clarkson and convincing myself that I burned 1,200 calories in 45 minutes and I could eat extra value meals without even ordering a Diet Coke to go with it.

But, I knew somewhere in the cobwebs of reality that I was indeed not burning as many calories as I wanted to believe as I haven't lost weight from working out in over three years.  And three years ago, I got completely addicted and OBSESSED with working out and it was beginning to get a little craycray, if I do say so myself.

I turned into one of those people who HAD to workout, or it was going to be a bitchy bad day. At least the awful depression Awful caused me, got me out of that stage, even if it meant putting me in the funkiest of funks....trying to see the bright side of things these days......

So, thank you Awful, for being so terrible that being around you made me so lethargic that I couldn't go to my obsessive exercise classes at 5:30 am 5 times a week and my other obsessive exercise classes at 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm back to back 2 times a week.....

I should have stuck to it as nothing helps my depression more than some sweating at the gym (or sweating in the bed.....couldn't resist, so sorry all, but thank you Crush, I bet we have 6 more months of intense passion is us.....since I am moving and will see him almost everyday in 6 months.....hehe).

Everything in moderation.  Balance is key.

So, today's 45 minutes of hardcore spin class (not including the 15 minutes that include set up, warm up, and cool down).....

10.5 miles

13.5 mile per hour pace

305 calories burned (whah wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

No more Big Mac justification (or entire Amy Organics Rice Crust Pizzas.....)

But, this is totally the wake up call I needed.  I am trying to be as honest as possible, so perhaps starting with myself is a really good thing, too!

Have a great day, all!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Real Friends, Internet Friends,THANK YOU, Honesty, and Getting Up After You Have Been Knocked Down...The Most Random and Honest Post Ever

In the last year, I have learned who my true friends are.

It took an Awful breakup, a move back home, and a BIG step towards full self-improvement, self-respect, and self-confidence.

My real friends stood by me each and every step of the way.

These people have seen me through ups and downs.  Have stalked me down when I couldn't turn up for events or get out of bed.  Even when I post here now and I am down, I get wonderful texts from a real friend on the West coast who is checking in to support me, love me, and be there for me....from thousands of miles away.  I am lucky.

Internet friends (and some real friends, too) THANK YOU all for reading and for letting me share my honesty.  I thank you all for believing in me.  The virtual support, advice, and love is inspiring.  There are so many wonderful people in this world.  I forget this sometimes when I let my bitter and bad bite me. This blog is cleansing. It has helped me be a better person, a kinder soul, and most importantly, honest.  I have been fighting with honesty for as long as I can remember......

I think my lying started as a defense mechanism when I was young, before I can even really consciously remember.  From therapy, I am piecing together that I do think being called "fat and big" by many people including my grandmother, family friends, and peers at school (I can remember being taunted in nursery school) made me create an alternate reality of sorts to protect myself.  Instead of being fat, I wanted to be wonderful.  I needed to be loved, I needed to be adored, I needed to be admired, and I needed to distract the world from calling me fat so much, so I lied.  Sometimes, I remember blurting something random out to distract people from calling me fat when I felt like they were going to say it.

I remember not lying from 3rd grade when I started over in a new school and wasn't called fat for a while until 6th grade when I was publicly mocked and taunted for an entire year by the most popular boys in school one year older than me.  Being circled and being chanted "Ogre" at still haunts me.  As I have been processing my past pain, it is something I have nightmares about from time to time.  There is nothing worse than public humiliation.  It is one of the reasons I don't even believe in negative reviews for restaurants or service professionals online.  I like to go to the source and let my feelings be known directly because I am so sensitive of being a bully.  It is why I get pushed around in business, too.

After junior high, I got my lying in check for a while until my uncle had a nervous breakdown, lost his very high profile job, and went bankrupt.  He got divorced for the second time, lost custody of his 2 children, had shock therapy, and lived in my parents' basement.  For over 1 year....the same year Sissy went to college and my Nana who I adored, passed away.  It was my sophomore year of high school and Bitch and Snake had just really gotten their fangs into me good.  I fell apart.  My mom confided in some ladies from the neighborhood (and Bitch's and Snake's moms) and they gossiped horribly about my family, spun tales, and mocked us.  It is what people around here do and one of the reasons why helping clients from these parts sometimes snipes me.  It is popular to jump on the bandwagon and kick people when they are down and that isn't how I was raised or how my heart works. Not to totally generalize an area, but it is very vicious, and stupid, and silly, and catty and really pathetic.  I lied ever since high school until lately in some capacity.

My lies weren't huge and were mostly exaggerations.  I knew when I was lying, too, so that is easier to fix.  I have been practicing some tactics for over a year and it has really made the truth the way with me.  I think this is why 2 of my clients fired me.  Because there are more liars than honest people in my industry and I didn't want to hustle anymore.  I think they took the shift in my personality as giving up when it was actually getting better.

Yesterday and today, I have been calling vendors personally and admitting I lost a client and made mistakes.  They have all complimented my honesty and said that they have ALL been fired, too.  It is simply a part of business and learning lessons.  They all thanked me for allowing them to keep the client and for admitting fault.  It was the right thing to do.

I went to coffee with a fantastic entrepreneur and young businessman yesterday and asked him for advice. I told him what I did wrong and he walked me through many of my mistakes step by step and offered me excellent recommendations, guidance, and sympathy.  Because I was able to openly say, "I kinda fucked up." Which is the truth.  I should have fired the clients before they fired me.  No more victim here.

Today, another vendor of mine, who I called to report the firing to, asked to take me to lunch to help. He is going to help me identity the best clients for me and help me finalize my new website which is very close to being done and was delayed for a while while I was sorted out where I was going to live next year city-wise.

And I know all this good is happening because I am honest.

I know this post was random, but this has all been on the tip of my tongue and it feels so yummy to let it all out.

I plan to return some calls this weekend and catch up with real friends and offer my love and support to them, too.

Happy Friday and have a wonderful day!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Wheat Free Wednesday (3)

Yes it is Thursday.

I spent yesterday working and making my existing clients feel taken care of and reviewed all of my business practices and policies. 

Rolling, rolling, rolling......

So, I am VERY happy here with the scale.  Kisses scale.

Downward trend is good.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Truth be told, I am still eating lots and my skin did flair a bit (sorry if I gross anyone out with this stuff) because of the stress of the recent firing, but I didn't turn to food, because without the wheat, my cravings have been easier to control.   I was even able to combat a french fry and milkshake run (well that had more to to with a snowstorm than anything else....)....eventually.    

Week 1: -3
Week 2: -2

Week 3: - 1
Week 4: -1

TOTAL: - 7 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I've Changed

I have changed.

I know this.

So much in the last year.

I am a different person now.

I have learned lessons.

Can I confess something?

I was fired today for the second time in 2 weeks.

I wish I was upset, but I am not.  I HATED the 2 clients that fired me and I didn't trust my instincts initially when I accepted their business.  I have truly learned who I can and cannot help and as much as I wish I could help everyone that comes to me, I am only a person, just one.  There were signs after signs after signs and yet I was the old me, the one that tried to conform without being honest and it bit me in the tush this time and oh yes, let's not forget....the time before.

You live and you learn.  But, this time, I have really learned.

I know that I make business mistakes.  BUT, I mostly only make them with clients I don't like.  It is like I am subconsciously trying to push them away, to make them stop the constant email with the follow up texts, "did you get my email" texts about things that I am in the process of handling.  If you micromanage me, I can't makes me feel smothered and suffocated and judged and pushed and like I have already disappointed you and it is one of the reasons I now ask all of my clients for 24 hours turn time on any request unless it is absolutely urgent.....because I need time to process and sometimes I am busy with other clients working.....and I have to show everyone the same amount of respect and be present....sometimes sadly, this includes turning my phone to silent for a few hours at a time.

Today, while I was being fired, I wish I would have handled it differently.  Now that I think about it, she was trying to fire me for weeks and I was making it difficult as I wasn't passing along documents upon request because I was questioning why she needed them and she didn't like it.  Something was fishy.  It was like my heart was telling me something and yet I wasn't convinced in my mind.  But, I said sorry and I wished it could be better and I almost cried, but then I didn't.  Because, I am connected to my heart now and my heart knew that this was GREAT news.....I was free from the abuse I had volunteered myself to.

I looked at my calendar and I realized that the 2 clients who have recently fired me, hired me BEFORE I started dating Crush.  He has changed me...but this time, for the better.  Softened me, relaxed me, made me able to smell the roses and turn off my phone sometimes.  Crush has given me the confidence and assurance to know that I am not always wrong (I make mistakes because I am a person, but sometimes I am right, too), that honesty is always the best policy, and that sometimes admitting defeat and to the impossible is the best way to proceed.

I realize that my clients that fired me,  hired a different person and then wondered what happened and I TOTALLY get the year that we had been working together.....I have evolved into someone so different....sometimes I hardly recognize myself.

After I met Crush, I FINALLY started booking the clients I wanted.  The ones I know I work best with and the ones that trust me, respect me, and work well with me in return.........Oy, between us,  I seriously stopped working for both of the former clients when they kept having conversations about my communication which was basically why I couldn't email or text them back in less than 1 minute.......because when I started working with them both, I had more time and less respect for myself and I slept with the phone next to my head and answered emails and texts instantly, even at 3:00 am.....I was so hungry for approval, for acceptance of any kind, to be busy to free my mind from my unknown future and building a business in a city I didn't see myself long-term....I worked 18 hours a day to distract myself from my life....between sleeping with my phone on my head of course.

The client today asked me "how I could wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror knowing I was such a horrible person" and the old me would have been so bothered by this comment...but, now, well, now I am proud to see myself, even if I am not all the things I sometimes wish I was.....aka thin.  The person I see in the mirror has a heart, a soul, love, and self respect.  I am kind, generous beyond a fault, and patient.  I know this former client will not get what they want without me, but they made their choice and I wish them the best. Truly I do.

But, I know something.  I know both of these clients were being shady in their own way, but I started my relationships with them differently.  In the last year, I have become honest.  I have always had an issue with honesty because I hated myself.  It was easier to lie than to face reality.  But, now, I handle business differently and life differently and mid-process I stopped lying.  I did business and that may involve some spinning, but no lies and that is where I believe both of these clients lost faith and trust in me.  I am not the bullshitter of the past.  I am real.  I am now a straight shooter and they wouldn't have hired me now, for the person I am now.  Bad fit.  They wanted miracles, dreams, and perfection and the old me promised that....the new me knows better.

So, they say, from every failure comes a great success.  I truly believe this.  Now, that these 2 clients, the only 2 causing me stress, strain, and really bad anxiety are I can focus on my other clients and my future plans and being honest.  Because I feel like my new honesty has given me such a better life.

God works in mysterious ways.  Life is strange.  But, today's firing was for a date that happened to fall on my birthday.  I have worked my last 2 birthdays.  For 20 hours at least each day and I didn't even mention it....meaning, no one knew it was my bday aside from family and my closest friends....I hardly got any bday wishes at all last year because I am not longer on Facebook...and it was peaceful and depressing...I felt like I hardly existed, even some of the people who know and love me the best forgot to wish me well and I blame in mostly on FB, but also because I was sending such a vibe of being busy working and not caring about myself, that who would have known?

Last year, a lovely client of mine dedicated me a cupcake and a candle and sang me "Happy Birthday" at their celebration because one of my assistants let it slip that I was working on my bday and my client was super touched that I never once mentioned it and let them shine.   They told me to make a wish and I wished for love.

They told me that they wished that, "I didn't have to work on my birthday next year," and now I don't because I was fired.

I know I should feel bad about being dismissed, but I have never felt so good about just being me.

I vow to live each day honestly, open, and positive.  Ever since I did, my world is righting itself all over the place!

Sweet dreams,

R & F

188 Days

In 188 days, I will be moving to a new place!

OMG, I can hardly handle the excitement.

I plan to have a few things accomplished by then.....LOTS and LOTS:

1.  Update my resume and get a new job.  I have been saving money, so I have a little cushion, but I do not want to move without a signed job offer.

2.  Lose 20 pounds (I CAN DO THIS!)

3.  See my friends that live here a few times before I go and also plan a little going away dinner to make sure I don't miss saying a proper good-bye to anyone.  I hate good-byes, so this is a BIG one for me and......regardless of what happens with Crush, I don't really see myself coming back often....that is other than my own wedding which I do plan to have here more for convenience than anything else.  But, that is of course if it all works out with Crush.....don't want to count my eggs before they hatch.

4.  Go through all of my junk, books, and clothes and throw out or donate what I know I will never use again or need.

5.  Post my new and improved website with all of the corrections made for the new city I will be living in.

6.  Find a nice place to live.  One with 2 bedrooms, so my family and friends can come and visit whenever they want.

7.  Complete my CPR training, so I can teach spinning classes in my new state.  Get a part-time gig teaching spinning classes at a new gym.

8.  Personally send tokens of appreciation and thank you cards to all of the wonderful business connections I have made in my current city.

9.  Tie up all loose business ends....there are a few, so nothing has to follow me to another state.

10.  Update my LinkedIn and my work licensing.  Also, sign up for one night class to work towards my teaching requirements in my new state.


Monday, March 4, 2013


Obsessive compulsive disorder.

Did you all see Girls last night? Oy.  Another similarity I have with Hannah, though mine never got as bad as hers....with all the touching herself on a loop....but I am sure it could have.

Hannah's number is 8, mine is 10.

I wasn't OCD in all areas of my life.  But, I was in some.

I first noticed my OCD tendencies when I moved to the Midwest and every night after I was tucked into bed (I was babied and tucked in until I was at least 11) I climbed out of bed and stood in front of the closed closet and put my hands on the sliding wood doors and counted to 10.  Often I did this ritual 3-4 times.   Until it felt right.  Until I could get back into bed and know that any monsters that were hiding in the closet to hurt me were blocked by the shield of my counting.  I did this until I went away to college.

Another ritual was making sure my belly button was covered under multiple layers when I slept.  This included night clothes and blankets and my hands.  I also counted to 10 covering my belly button until I fell asleep.

As I got older, my new rituals became 3 very specific ones: making sure the stove and oven were off, making sure the front door was locked (when I was leaving and when I was inside before bed), and making sure the hair iron/curing iron were off.

Typically I tested these things by:

Turning the door knob 10 times multiple times until it felt right.  Sometimes I would do this 20-30 cycles, and miss my bus to work because I couldn't get out the door.

The stove was a big one for me.  I lived with roommates off and on in college and in my 20's and once in a while I would come home to the stove being left on and it would get me going like nothing else.  I would simply panic that everything could have burned, innocent people could have died at my stove's expense, and I would have to live with the horrible blame that I may have hurt someone.  I never knew if it was me or a roommate that may have made the innocent mistake and it didn't even matter to me.  What mattered is that it was up to me to control the stove.  I would stand over it and touch all 4 burners repeatedly and count to 10 before I left and sometimes this could take up to 10 minutes until it felt right.  Many times I opted to cook in the microwave and avoid the stove entirely.

The hair iron fear started after I watched an episode of Friend's when Rachel burns down Phoebe's apartment with her hair iron (it wasn't Phoebe's was Rachel's hair iron!).  Back in the day, these hair appliances didn't have the automatic turnoff that most of them do now.  I would make sure that all of the beauty machines were unplugged from the electrical jacks and then I would rub my hands over the outlets while I counted to ten.  Time and time again.

Every roommate I lived with eventually got a boyfriend and started spending less and less time at home and this was not always the relief that comes with lots of extra space and privacy for then I knew that I was the sole responsibility when it came to the door, the stove, and the hair iron.  As a people pleaser, I was okay if my stuff got ruined.  I had my own renters insurance and I knew my folks could bail me out if I really needed them to help me.  It was living with other people that sometimes made me nervous as I would NEVER want to be the one that ruined something that belonged to someone else.

My best years in my 20's were when I lived alone in 805 square feet of parquet wood bliss.  Up high on the 27th floor with a slight view and respectful neighbors in their 40's, 50's, 60's, and 80's.  I loved this apartment and only gave it up to move in with Awful as he promised me conversion and marriage if I did and as you know, that never came.

Living with Awful stressed me out and triggered my OCD like no other as he lived in a beautiful home that his trust fund bought him next to very undesirable neighbors. He drank often and was constantly sloppy with his actions and super forgetful.  I once woke up in the middle of the night to the front door and gate left completely open after he came home sloshed and had passed out on the downstairs couch.  His neighbors were not the Brady fear intensified so badly, sometimes when he went out, I pushed a dresser in front of the bedroom door to make sure that I would be woken up if and when he got home and tried to get into the bedroom, so I could check all the doors again..if not, I would be safe in the room I wanted to sleep anyway....without his snoring next to me.....Amelia Bedelia's recollection of events and instructions seemed photographic compared to Awful's.

One of the biggest issues with Crush is that he blamed me for everything and this triggered my OCD.  He would act all easy going and casual in front of friends and family, but if anyone came over to his place and spilled or broke anything, he would play it off so cool in front of guests and them ream me and insult me for hours over it.....he would want to know "how could people be so disrespectful?", "how could YOU allow that to happen?", "YOU should pay for the damage for not handling the situation better and btw, those were your friends that caused a mess....." yes, the very ones he tried to steal and claim the minute we broke was a lot for me to handle and every since then, I have been trying my best to just calm the hell down.  It is only stuff.  Stuff is replaceable and I think sometimes my clients want a bigger reaction that I can give them....but, let's all calm down, shall we?

After I watched the Girls episode last night, my anxiety got super bad and I couldn't place it at all for a bit.  Then, it hit me.  Crush is also super forgetful.  Is this just a man thing?????

Crush loses his phone, his sunglasses, his wallet, his checkbook, and his keys no less than three times a day.  The first time he had a mini-freak out about lost keys, I looked all over and didn't have time to do my hair or makeup (we were meeting his parents for lunch) and they were in his back pocket the entire time and I had to show up to a nice restaurant looking like a drowned rat with wet hair dripping down the back of my dress and all I had to salvage my look was a pat of red lipstick....this lady wasn't happy.

I would be lying if I told you that I couldn't relate.....lost things in my hand are my reality.

Now, I know not to indulge the lost rants of Crush.  I tell him calmly, "let me finish what I am doing and then I will help you look" and often he finds whenever he has lost on his person, in his car, or in his blazer pocket before I am even halfway done curling my hair.  I know to have him check those places first.

And yes, my confession of OCD may help you all understand my need for control.  The is the only thing I cannot control and I fear that if I over control it, I will end up anorexic.  I have never confessed that before, but it is my truth.  For a few months in high school, I ate 1,000 calories a day and lived on dry bagels, chocolate Snackwells yogurt, and fat free mini pretzel twists.  This was prompted after Bitch and Snake told me I couldn't come to a party because I was too fat. I vowed to lose 20 pounds and I did it in less than 2 months.  It wasn't fun, but something about it was very intriguing to me and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again....BUT, well, every time, all 3 times, I have lost a significant amount of weight, it has always been through restricting.  I am still trying to find my happy medium and I won't stop until I do it.  I will see this as the biggest accomplishment of my life.  Overcoming the binge has tortured me for over 20 years.

My tendency to need to be in control is so strong that when clients or other people try to micromanage me, I simply ignore them.  I make it a challenge for them to contact me because if you don't treat me nicely, you may not get my attention at all.....this shows itself now that I run my own business and one of the reasons why I am excited to go back to work in a corporate office capacity.  In that environment, I turn into a people pleaser again and a total team much so, that I get walked all over, but I do often get the best reviews.

Like, I said, I am FAR from perfect.

And thus, why I am back on my anxiety medicine and back in therapy.

The place I am in now, it is scaring me a bit.  It all seems too familiar:  a big transition coming, weight to lose, a job I am unhappy with and somewhat over....BUT, so different, because this time, I am realizing what is happening while it is happening....NOT AFTER!

There is no better control for a control freak than living in reality.

And Crush can't use the stove anyway (he is the WORST cook EVER), so I am happy to take this role on, if I know the stove will be turned off after I prepare supper and before we go to bed.....without counting at the closet door before he tucks me in!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Mean Girls and A Pack of Wolves and Lessons Learned

I spend too much time wondering what people think about me.

Lately, I have gotten a bit over myself and dried my eyes and realized that if I am talking shit about someone, they are probably talking shit about me.  What goes around, comes around, and it is life.

I have recently been practicing holding my tongue a bit.  Censoring myself.  This mostly comes to not saying things like, "the barrista liked you, I could tell, he was just staring at the huge bulge in your pants and it made me very proud to be with you, " in front of Crush while he buys me my vanilla latte.  Sometimes I get a bit carried away.  And Crush wears his jeans a little bestie calls them "Texas Jeans" and she is from Texas, so she would know.  There is nothing quite as nice as fitted (NOT TIGHT) jeans on a man....YUM YUM YUM!  Strong thighs and a cute tush....bring it on.

Growing up in the neighborhood I grew up in really messed me up.  Like A LOT.  I was much happier before I moved to the place where my parents (and me) still live now.  I never really fit in, in my heart, even though I was popular off and on.  As soon as I had the chance to flee to college, I never looked back.  I stopped returning calls from high school friends, I didn't visit them at their new schools, I changed my phone number, and I didn't come home much for college breaks including summers.  I NEVER wanted to come back and yet I did, 5 years after I began college, I came home to work in the city close to my parents and start my real adult life.  My heart was never in it.

This place, the place I get to leave in 8 months (WHOOT) is the silliest.  People live WAY beyond their financial means to impress, they all like the same ugly things, no one has an original thought, and everyone starves themselves.  People who are "best friends" sleep with each other's husbands, they wear the same clothes as their children, and they party all the time....

Clue: Mean Girls the movie was based on where I grew up and yes, it is just that pathetic. Everyone grows up together, goes to college together, moves back together, marries each other, and then publicly divorces in the most hateful and cruel ways.  It equals my version of HELL.

I always yearned to go somewhere warmer, to be free of the pack mentality that my little neighborhood provides.  The hungry wolves who eat each other's souls instead of eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner.

Even at 10 when I arrived from the East coast, it all felt so silly, so empty, so stupid.....but, I felt that I had to change myself to fit in rather than be who I really was...the person that just started to truly emerge in the last year.

There were two girls that made my life HELL growing up.  One I call The Bitch and the other I call The Snake.  These two....if I saw them to this day, my heart would drop and the blood in my veins would turn to ice, I just HATE them.

A little back story....

Bitch and I became friends in 5th grade, went to the same Hebrew school, she was kind and sweet and VERY needy and meek as a little one.  But, she needed the POWER.  The boys, the girls, the older kids...she liked conflict and drama.  These are the things I have always hated.  I knew the minute I left the room, Bitch would scheme and rally a plan against bring me down to make me feel like a nothing.  Everyone got a turn in our group and mine came often.

Snake and I became friends in 8th grade.  My mom met her mom through a business interaction and her mom begged my mom to have her included in our group.  Meh, it was super awkward.  Especially because I always felt very weird being alone with Snake......she was just not like the other girls I was used to hanging out with.  No one wanted her to come and everyone, mostly Bitch, made my life hell because my mom was making me bring Snake around to our sleepovers and trips to mall.  You all know where this is going right.....?

Bitch and Snake became best friends and who was kicked out, why yes, me.  I have never truly forgiven my mom for this...I know, I like to hold on to things....but, I promise you all, I will never interfere with friend politics one day when I have children.  Sometimes I like to think about what high school would have been like if Snake wasn't around.

Snake and Bitch were then inseparable.  They also became anorexic together (the true standard of beauty in my neighborhood is simply who is the skinniest, horse faces aside).  They left everyone else out.  The started rumors about being that I was a lesbian which is ironic and I will touch on that later in this post.

When they got caught with booze or pot, it was always mine and everyone believed I was this super bad kid that I wasn't.  I truly didn't even know how to get the pot they were smoking.....people's parents began to not want me around.  I had this bad reputation for nothing.  My vices were Hershey Bars and Fritos.

One day when Bitch's brother drove us home from school....I realize now that it was a set up, he started in on how he was going to go to the cops because he found MY POT in Bitch's room and he didn't like my influence on her and I should thank him for not going to the authorities because Bitch begged him not to and then he called me a "fat cunt" and stopped the car in the middle of a busy street and told me to get out.  It was December and freezing and he was home from college for Xmas break...he was a sophomore in college and I was a sophomore in high school......and I didn't tell my parents because I knew my dad would go over to his house and kick his ass and come after winter would make it all so much worse when I had to return to school.  It wasn't my pot of course, it never was.

Sidenote: Once, when I was in college, I saw Bitch's brother smoking pot at a concert and went right up to him and told him I was going to call the cops.  He looked at me blankly, stoned out of his mind trying to place what I was saying and who I was (I was quite thin at the time) and I walked away......I am sure he had no idea the emotional damage he did to me when he kicked me out of the car. To this day, being called a "fat cunt" something that sadly happens from time to time with clients (because some are from my neighborhood and I won't work with them anymore for the most part...but, fat cunt seems like a really popular insult around here) triggers something inside of me that keeps me in bed for days.

Bitch and Snake told people I said things about them that I never did.  I woke up one day without any friends, it was like a nightmare.  Oh my, if there was would have been epic, the level of bullying these 2 would have done.  I am glad there wasn't because I don't know if I would have survived.  I hated confrontation and still do.  I didn't know how to handle all of this nastiness.

I will say, after a while, I let them win and disappeared.  I made friends from other schools.  I turned to books and food.  This is the time I truly began to cope by eating and not feeling.  To top it off, my mom's brother was having a nervous breakdown and declared bankruptcy and I didn't feel like I could really burden my parents with my drama.  Especially because my uncle was living in my house at the time.  I became utterly depressed and didn't really talk about it.  I stocked up on junk food at the local convenience store and got into bed and read YM and Jane and cried and ate Cheetos.  I felt like a failure.  Instead of rocking grades and whatnot, I started really slipping.  I felt like if I couldn't have friends.....I couldn't have any other success in life.

After high school as I mentioned earlier, I disappeared.  I went to college broken.  But, I made real friends.  A few who I love and cherish like sisters to this day.  I didn't believe I was worthy of friends because of high school, but I made them. I also reconnected with a best friend from junior high in my early 20's and we are super close to this day as well...oh how I missed her.  Bitch and Snake first kicked her out of the group before they did me in....It kept me up nights on end before we reconnected, why didn't I just stick up for her.

We went to our 10 year high school reunion together and none of the mean girls could show their faces.  Karma is truly a Bitch.

Bitch once invited me out sophomore year of college when I was home for a few days over Xmas break.  I saw it as a peace treaty and I accepted.  She never picked me up.  I remember when I got her on the phone a few days later, I told her every single thing I thought abut her.  This had been on the tip of my tongue for over 10 years at the time.  All she said was sorry and hung up.  I think my boldness surprised her into silence.  To this day, I have never seen her.  God has protected me.

Snake called me junior year of college after stalking my mom for weeks for my cell phone number.  She apologized and wanted to see what was new with me....I told her honestly and openly that she will always know inside what she did to me and I will always question why, but I don't ever want to be friends with her and I couldn't accept her apology because I genuinely felt she was apologizing for her....for a deeper seemed so insincere.  I have seen her twice by accident and both times she scurried away from me.

3 years after she called me, Snake married her high school sweetheart (a TOTAL douche who I see from time to time and think very little of) only to divorce him rather messily a few years after that because she finally came out and is now in a loving relationship with a woman.  To this day, I think she called me in college to confide that to me, that she was attracted to women and not men.  I think she knew inside that I wouldn't have judged her and I would have supported her.  I would have.

And bingo!  There is was, the secret, the thing that never seemed right.  Bitch and Snake loved each other.  I knew they had threesomes with people in high school at drunk parties and had this secret bond of sorts and now I truly believe it was because they were absolutely in love with each other and didn't want me to find out.  When I was invited to a party, they would call me and tell me I couldn't come because the host said no fat girls aloud.  When I wanted to go to a concert, they said I couldn't come because all the parents hated me because I was a "bad kid."  When I wanted to go shopping with them after school, they said I would stretch out the clothes....I was a size 8-10 btw...

Because well, I would have been THE PERSON who would have said something heartless, careless, and bold without even thinking about it. I would have exposed them without even realizing I was doing it.  I think they feared my mouth as much as I feared their torment.  As a team, they stuck it to me before I ever had the chance to call them out.  But, I do think I would have figured it out in real time, I am perceptive that way and I think they knew it.

Years later, I will never accept them or acknowledge them, but I understand.  I know that being different in high school is hard, even if you are the most popular girls in the grade.

And now I try to keep my words firmly placed in my mouth when they need to stay there.  High school is nothing if it doesn't teach you life lessons.

Product Review: Nars Albatross Highlighter

This is something I rediscovered in the bottom of my makeup box.  Yes, I have a box that I keep in my bathroom with each category of makeup (lipstick, lipstick, eyeshadows, eyeliner, etc.) divided into ziplock bags....classy, I know.

Years ago, I was convinced to purchase this highlighter from the Nars counter after picking up some of my other essentials....Orgasm Blush and Heatwave Lipstick.

I am not a person that loves sparkly on the face.  Dewey perhaps, but not JLo sparkle.  Sparkle makes me feel VERY 2001 and even though 2001 was a very fun (AND DRUNK!) year for me, I don't like when my face looks like a disco ball.  But there is something about Albatross that is different.

Nars describes Albatross as a "sheer light golden sheen" and I will agree here.  It is packaged just like their blushes, but I would consider it a highlighter.  If not used correctly, I could see how this could end up looking really white on the skin (I have a medium complexion), but a dab here and there adds a heavenly glow.

I use it as so:

1.  After I complete my eye makeup, a rub a tiny bit under each eyebrow on my brow bone.

2.  After I power my nose, I rub a tiny bit across the center bridge of my nose.

3.  After I apply by blush, I rub a tiny bit across by cheeks, from my upper cheekbone to my temples.

I find that if I apply with my fingers and not a blush brush, it gives me the glow I desire and just softens and lightens my face.

Since I have been wearing it, I have received many compliments about my skin looking lovely and looking rested (which I am SO NOT), so I giving Albatross the credit.

When I poked around on the Nars website, I couldn't find it, but it is at Sephora if you are interested.

Happy Saturday and get glowing!

I am off to the gym here myself.

Friday, March 1, 2013

A Special Dress

I have a dress I love.

A few years ago my mom bought it for me to wear and I couldn't zip it.  Not even an inch.

I thought about wearing it ALL the time.  When I read menus at restaurants and decided what to eat, when I turned up the resistance knob on my spin bike a the gym, when I chose club soda over vodka and soda out with friends.

4 months later I wore the dress to my sister's bridal shower and felt sensational.

When Crush was visiting my sister's this week, he saw a very sweet photo of Sissy and me hugging at her bridal shower.  I was wearing the dress.  He said, "wow, babe, you look beautiful in that dress (it is a gorgeous turquoise silk shantung), I love it, please wear it for me sometime."

As a smart girlfriend, I didn't say, "oh, I can hardly get it over my hips now."  I smiled and said, "you bet, mister, for you, anything."

Today after a HUGE lunch of snacks, I got out the dress and tried it on.  The zipper went up halfway, but I have a far way to go.

And then, I thought......I got into this dress for Sissy's shower and loved wearing, I want to wear this same dress for another special occasion, when Crush and my parents meet for the first time which will be this June.

I think in 3 months, I can make this happen.

But, this time, I want to make sure I can always get back into my favorite dress.  I can't do this short-term diet stuff anymore.

How lovely it will be to have a closet full of clothes that actually fit.

The Things I Wish I Didn't Do

I have never come here to tell you how wonderful I perfect.  I don't have a beautiful home, millions of dollars, fancy purses or shoes, or six-pack abs.  But, I am happy. Errrr....not completely happy because I don't know if I ever will be, but I am happier than I have been in years.

My daily struggles have not changed.  I still have a major food addiction.  I still have an all or nothing mentality.  I still wear my bathrobe until 10:00 am while I watch the Bachelor on Hulu and eat chips and salsa for breakfast.  I wish I didn't do this, but some habits are hard to break.

Here are a few things I do that I wish I didn't:

1.  I wish I didn't stalk Crush's ex-fiance on Pinterest.  This is the one way to see a bit more into her life and I actually see a lot of myself in her....she struggles with her weight, too.  Such an invasion of privacy, why can't I stop?

2.  I wish I didn't ask my current boyfriends about their ex's.  I have always done this.   I would ask Awful about how thin his ex-wife was (she was skinny), I would ask what kind of wine she liked, I would ask what she would order at a certain restaurant for her dinner.  WHHHHHY?  With Crush, I really ask him weird questions about his ex....ones that involve sex, money, and her engagement ring.  He answers them without a bat of an eye, always respectfully.  Here is the thing, I don't ask these questions out of is just that people and the human condition super duper fascinate me.  I like to know about people's past to determine how they got to their present.

3.  I wish I just said no to things that I don't want to do or think are stupid.  This pertains mostly to business things these days, but I say yes to the dumbest stuff and then I stay up for 48 hours straight doing moronic DIY projects and not getting paid for it.

4.  I wish I didn't buy foods that I know I cannot control myself around.  Some of these things are chips and ice cream.  After I ate 4 ice cream bars and 1 bag of corn chips last night while half asleep.....I thought to myself....why are these things in the house?!  I realized that I ate them because they were there, because I am addicted to food and sugar and fat are my crack.  I cannot have these things around me.  I don't go on broccoli or clementine binges even though I like these things, too.

5.  I wish I didn't hide from hard emails or phone calls sometimes.  Again, this is business stuff, but I find myself confronted virtually and then I hide for a while begging it to go away and then I take a Xanax and deal with it.  I wish I didn't have to take the Xanax to deal with it, but I do....

Do you ever do things that you wish you didn't do?