Monday, July 29, 2013

One Last Post About This....I Promise..but, Awful is ENGAGED!

I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....

Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.

He got engaged a few months ago.

I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.

I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears.  Work comes first.  Especially with my move coming.   Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT!  I am hitting my stride again.  I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.

I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents.  My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.

I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.

My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time.  Lately,  I been thinking about him a lot, too.  Our relationship really didn't have an end.  I told him to leave me alone and he did.  He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him.  There is still some goodness in him.  It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.

I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.

Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met.  He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met.  He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon.  He openly shared this with my family, my friends.  He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."

Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancĂ©......?!?!?!?!  He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September.  Yes, THIS September.  I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.

There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant.  There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.

If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.

I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him.  Every other time I tried, he made me stay.  I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.

Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected.  Yes, I dumped him.  Yes, I hate him.  Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend.  I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year.  I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me.  Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.

I am embarrassed.  That's it.  He fits better with his new gal.  We were a bad match.  I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me.  Adore me.  I am pathetic sometimes.

I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon.  It worked out for all of us.  Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too.  Happy endings for everyone.

Did I secretly wish that I would be married first?  Sure I did.  I am competitive and stupid once in a while.

True love isn't a race.  I know this.

I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to.  Now, I feel safe again.  His engagement protects me.  I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him.  Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.

The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.

He was single.

Now, he will be married in a few weeks.

Things can change so fast.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Clean and Dirty

Sometimes I wonder how lucky I am to still be alive.

I was never really into hard drugs, but I did a bunch of stupid shit in my life.  I loved getting wasted, I made moronic decisions and I took insane risks.

For some reason, I am SUPER sad about the recent passing of Finn from Glee.  I only watched the first season before I tired of it, but he seemed kind and reminded me of a boy in high school I once crushed on so super bad.  I made him out to be this pure person without knowing anything about his personal non-Glee life.

Heroin terrifies me.  I just don't get it, but I have never tried it.  I have seen Intervention and Trainspotting and sitting on a bare mattress with your eyes all rolled back in your head drooling while you pee and vomit and poop yourself.  Not sexy.

If we want to glorify a drug, let's dump an eight ball of coke on the table and snort it up before we dance on the table with our high heels on.

In a past life, I loved smoking pot.  I am better stoned than drunk.  I get silly, I tell stories, I love listening to music.  I am actually good high company.  Trust me.  I also get the munchies super bad, so it isn't something I would partake in so much these days in light of my food issues.  Oh yeah, I also have no brain cells or memory left to spare from all of my years of living the high good life.

Crush is pure.  He isn't much of the party pants.  He can count the times he has been really drunk on 2 hands.  He has never smoked pot and I respect him.  Hell, I was always susceptible to peer pressure because I wanted to escape from myself and fit in.  I give him great credit for being able to be himself, unaltered.

But, Crush is DIRTY.  Dirty in bed and dirty in life.

The dirty in life gets to me much worse than the other kind of dirty.

Crush lives in a way that is disgusting to me.  Messy.  Shit everywhere.  His white t's have a brown tint from the way he washes them.  His toilet reminded me of the grossest bathroom in America which just so happens to be at a bar at my alma mater.  The icing on the gross cake was him telling me that he hasn't washed his bed sheets or towels in months when I asked him.  And yes, I knew the answer before I inquired as everything in his place smelled a little sour, like a frat house.

I have never stayed at his place because filth like his gives me the creepy crawly willies.  IT MAKES ME HAVE NIGHTMARES.

Yet, I was once SO DIRTY.  Like when I think back on how I used to live in college and my early 20's, I gag.  Yes, I just gagged.  I was so super disgusting that I was almost equal to Crush.  I should have saved my rent money because I could have lived in a dumpster with my former standard of cleanliness.

I used to admire my friends for being able to live so neatly.  It didn't come easily to me and then one day I woke up and I was living alone and had some space and my own closets and the OCD set it.  Clean as a whistle.

If Crush will let me, I will help him clean out his place little by little before we ever move in together.  It isn't exactly Hoarders bad, but it is FAR from good.

I may call College Hunks Hauling Junk to help Crush reduce his mess.

I will have me some dirty thoughts of my own while we get clean.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Working It All Out

Crush and I are doing a bunch better lately.

For a while there it was fight fight fight at all costs (Ani Difranco reference for any fans out there....I love her).  We just couldn't get on the same page.  Much of the drama and tension were coming from a big issue that needed attention, Crush's processing issue.

Crush is now getting help.  I am SUPER proud of him.  I see a huge difference and he is taking the steps necessary to make himself a better communicator.  In turn, our friendship and relationship have improved and I am feeling safe again in our little boat.  For a while there, we were in the middle of a brewing dating hurricane.

Crush's mind works a bit different than mine.  He is a big dreamer.  He swept me right off my feet with his grand gestures and big ideas.

A few months ago, I realized that we had a problem.

I was observing this pattern of huge promises (which I do believe he is capable of doing and which I do believe WILL happen) in unrealistic time frames.

I had to take note of it for a while because I couldn't tell if this sense of utter urgency and then total slacking was coming from entitlement or something in his brain..As I have mentioned it before, we don't come from the same background, so with money and stability comes the ability to do things quickly that some would have to plan months or years for.  Translation = something sparkly isn't something Crush has to necessarily save for (even though I know he is currently saving because he is wonderful with investing and all that stuff that sounds just like when adults talk in Snoopy when you tell me..."wahwahwahwah").

After a few weeks of utter frustration waiting to hear about all of these things he was "still working on and trying to figure out", I lost my composure and went rather postal.

I screamed, "don't say it unless you mean it because I take your word for it!"

This was in response to many little open ended things and one big huge gigantic major one....

Around Valentine's Day, Crush had told me that he had started to investigate engagement rings and didn't know if he could wait until I moved to propose to me.

The man didn't think about anything past that.  There is no ring and it won't be on my finger in the next 2 months.  I know this for a fact.  I know that I am 32 years young and I am feeling like I am in a pressure cooker trying to lock it down.

I do feel that when I get my ring, I can breathe.  Love has NEVER felt like this before, but I have been here.  In a place I felt would end in marriage and it didn't.  So....well, I don't like the gray zone. Waiting for someone to ask you to to be their wife....well, it FUCKING sucks!  I am sorry, it does.  It feels so very uncomfortable for a control freak such as myself.  As happy as some aspects of my life are with Crush, this part of the relationship....the fine line I am walking by clearly outlining my expectations without giving ultimatums....well, I wish I could say it is fun, but then I would be lying.  BECAUSE IT IS TOTURE!!!!!!

I know.  I am being annoying right now.  I sound like a whiny bitch.  I get it.   Panting for a ring is just CRAZY and yet it is a thing.  When you love someone so much that you want to spend every waking second with them, it would be nice to be able to know that it will be forever today.  I don't think a ring will change anything in my life aside from the ability to feel a bit calmer.

Instant gratification?  Why yes, and if I didn't have an issue with it, I wouldn't need to lose 30 pounds still.

I was fantasizing.  I suck this way.  I love me a dream sequence.  Hell, I imagine myself a 19 year old music video vixen when I bust out my daily mileage on the spin bike.

I will admit,  I was dreaming of driving cross country to my new home with something lovely to admire on my left hand.  What a fairy-tale it could have been to have met my soul mate AND become engaged in less than 1 year?  It would have been like the end of some Rom driving my sedan pointed South, laughing with my long hair blowing, admiring my shiny new friend.

And, since Sissy got engaged to her hubby less than 8 months from the day they first met, it gave me hope....I am the WORST comparer I know.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of the hardwood floor when it smacks you right in the face after the rug has been pulled out from under you.  Wakeup call.  Because as June curled into July, I realized that a ring wasn't happening this summer.  I am okay with this once I myself processed it.

Crush has spoken to my parents about his intentions and I truly believe that I will be a Mrs. To Be in the nearer future.  I actually want to live in the same city as Crush together for a few months before an engagement because I want a little peace to just enjoy life without planning .  We need some more casual just us time.  Time to watch TV, ride bikes, stroll the cobblestone streets, get ice cream, and eat homemade (by me, he barely knows how to open a can) weeknight suppers.  I LOVE TO COOK, so I actually dusted off my cookbooks and marked some pages of recipes I know he will like this past week  in anticipation of my move.

Love isn't easy.  I know....trite trite trite.  By even when you find the one, it doesn't all magically get better.  I still have anxiety, I still have fears, I still feel like it may not end the way I want it to.  I remember once talking to Sissy about this when she was a bit overwhelmed herself with being pregnant so soon after she was married so soon after she met her love.  She told me one of the best pieces of advice, "with every great life transition comes excitement, uncertainty, and a little bit of an adjustment period."  So true.

I have been disappointed before.  I have felt the pain and loss of a broken heart.  I am fairly confidant that Crush and I are meant to be a we.

We shall see.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Falling Into Place

My puzzle pieces are beginning to make a total picture.

I just realized they the day I move from the Midwest FORVER (regardless of what happens with Crush, I will never come back), will be my one year anniversary of this blog.

I sound like a broken record always and forever here, but you just never know what will happen in a year!!!!

I officially signed a lease for a new apartment in my new state.  I am excited about it.  850 square feet that are ALL mine.  I am looking forward to cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry.  These last few years I have regressed, my mom believes her way is the ONLY way.  I haven't truly been able to live as I would live without living with mother.  But, I can't really complain.  I received free accommodations for 22 months.

Beggars can't be choosers.

I will never forget the generosity and hospitality that my parents bestowed upon me.  Yes, some days and even weeks were incredibly challenging, but I do think we are even closer now than we ever were (and I have always been close to my family).  My wounds are now just fading scars.  I feel like I am mostly through with my journey of self improvement and reflection.  I am a bit stronger, a bit wiser, and in tune with the areas of my life that I need to seriously work on (binge eating and improving my self esteem).  I am going to continue to therapy down South.

I am ready to fly again from the nest....14 years after I first left.

The future that was once blurry and scary is now becoming something I can partially see.

I have also been hunting for jobs.  The market I am moving to is perfect for my industry.  Even though it is considerably smaller, there are plenty of jobs in my field and they pay well.  I have sent out my resume 4 times and I have received calls promptly for everything that I applied for, some within hours.  My only issue is that the jobs posted begin immediately and because of job commitments here, I can't start there until after I move, which is in just under 2 months.

Many people from my new city have advised me to just wait and move and then interview as things are far less competitive there than they are here.  That is not my style!  I want to move with a place to live AND a job.  Still working on the last half, but I am feeling like I may actually be able to pick the best position for me rather than just take a job for a paycheck.  I also have a little cushion of savings that I can tap into if I really need to, but I am hoping to actually save, so let's hope that employment comes knocking.

This morning, I had a bubble of anxiety sitting on my chest, heavy and tight.

Then, I let my mind tell me the truth.

I am leaving.

I have the chance to set up new practices and routines that will allow me to be calmer.  I will be able to be alone sometimes.  I will be living 5 minutes away from the love of my life.  My favorite spinning studio in the world is in my new city and I will have the opportunity to ride there as often as I like.  Extra bonus that I can cruise on my bicycle 4 seasons a year.  I will continue with my WeightWatchers meetings.  I will be close to the beach and saltwater is wonderful for my skin.  I will be independent again.  I will be FAR away from people that make me nervous including Awful (just moving away from him helps as we do have some mutual friends and I always feel bad that it was such an ugly one likes to be a part of senseless drama and I did lose some people I really liked and valued because of the breakup).  I will get the opportunity to explore new coffee shops, restaurants, and boutiques.  I will become a regular at a new supermarket and gym.  I will learn my way around and I will then be able to find shortcuts to get me to and from my new regular destinations.

I will be able to be the me I am now.

Not the me I was 20 years ago that some people expect from me.

Life will be better.

I know it.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Facebook Feelings

As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of Facebook.  It the midst of moving back home and hitting rock bottom, I deactivated my account because it was too much for me to handle.  I was jealous of everyone's life (again with the jealousy...oy!) and their good fortune.  Facebook made me even more insecure, bitter, and depressed.

Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame.  From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet.  Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out!  Dying a slow death like Myspace.

Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does.  He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating.  He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.

BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)

Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile.  I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos.  He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him).  Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree.  I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.

In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend.  Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook.  He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....

SIDE NOTE:  So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone?  They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking! 

So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status.  And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn.  Then,  Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.

Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone.  I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.

BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me.  I felt like it wasn't truly our business.  That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.

A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.

My feeling on all this is pretty simple.  I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to.  I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need.  For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal.  I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.

I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant.  That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't.  12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.

I find it all to be exhausting.  I know it isn't healthy for me.  Especially for my anxiety.

I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.

I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view.  He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!).  He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.

I know my feelings about FB are not the majority.  If I could handle it, I would partake, too.

I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Jealous (A Post That I Am SUPER Embarrassed To Admit)

This post is hard for me to admit.

I went back and forth about even sharing it.

I feel silly.....but, I made a vow to myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't censor my feelings.

Here goes....

I am jealous.

Oy.  I can't help it.

Sissy is in town this week with her babies and husband and we are all getting on like pie.  What a relief.  In the last year, I have matured a bit in terms of letting things go when I should, but something I can't always shake is sibling rivalry.

Don't get me wrong, Sissy is truly one of my best friends in the entire world.  She gets me as only a few do.  The bond we have is forever strong.  I realize it more and more these past 2 years of my life, which have been my hardest yet.

1 of the reasons why my hometown doesn't feel like home anymore is because Sissy moved over 4 years ago.  Ever since then, there has been an emptiness that only she can fill here.  When I move down South, I will be a bit closer to her and every less mile counts.  Crush and I plan to see them often and next summer we are already planning a week long trip all together in my new state.  EXCITED.

But, there is a bit of competition.  Dare I admit it, but it is my truth.

A little backstory coming and then back to the jealousy.

WARNING....WARNING: Bit of a weird thing I am going to share next, but it is a part of my ongoing recovery and related to this post as it has to do with appearance...deep breath...

Recently, I have learned that to my family, I am considered the beauty out of Sissy and me.  WHY ARE PEOPLE EVEN DISCUSSING THIS? This is not to brag or boast, this is simply to admit the fact that I had no idea....

I am working through it in therapy...letters from my family about me that I open up in my sessions and reflect upon....they reveal what others think and it is painful.  What other people think of me is one of my biggest fears.  Coming to terms with my "surrounding reality" (what we call our immediate life in therapy) feels like I am being suffocated every week.

I have such a disordered sense of self.

I just do not see myself as pretty.  I see myself as ugly, fat, and annoying.  The past 2 years have a lot to do with this.  I am still not ready yet, but eventually I will share some of my recent downfalls which involved trying to help people from my past as clients.  Just wasn't a good fit and brought back feelings of high school and overall stupidity.  The push and pull became so much more than a simple professional - client relationship.  Gray area at it's best.

I don't know why I even walked into that lions den because I knew it wasn't going to end well.  And it didn't.  After I separate myself from the midwest by miles and miles, I will be ready to divulge a bit more, I promise.

I take every insult so literally that the compliments escape me completely.  Yet, every mean thing ever directed at me has been eternally tattooed on my soul.  It was one of the reasons why I loved to drink and get WASTED.  To black out from my sounding reality.  I literally cannot clearly recall several years of my early 20's...just bits and pieces in dreams. I was running away from myself.

So, back to the jealousy.

Why am I jealous?  It seems too silly to even type.  Just like typing about my looks, but, well, Sissy is skinny.  She had a baby in February and ALL of her baby weight is gone.  She is slim, after having 2 babies and I am huge compared to her.  BIG.  ENORMOUS.  We took a photo together and after seeing it, I couldn't even keep it....I had to delete it even though she looked gorgeous.

To clarify a bit, Sissy is a smaller lady than me.  About 5 inches shorter and more delicately boned.  At her wedding (which she weighs the same now), I was only 20 pounds heavier than her.  We looked about the same weight, my arms were actually thinner.  Now, I am 45 pounds heavier (I was very slim for me at her wedding, the smallest I have ever been).... this change in myself makes me feel like I can't breathe sometimes.

This weight is heavy on my heart. I haven't had a baby.  I haven't been married.

I have eaten my bad feelings and now they are under my skin.  Trapping me.

Today, I am home alone working.  I have TONS to do.  The family is out and I started bawling because how did I lose my self control with food?  Why am I back counting points for the 6th time?  I vowed after Sissy's wedding that I would stay trim....WHAT HAPPENED...Awful did and lots of emotional turmoil in quick summary...but, I should be able to control my food through out my hardships.

I used to be disciplined with my diet and trying to look my best.  When did I give up?

Today, I started to binge again.  It was an automatic reflex to my sadness.  I had some chocolate and some popcorn.  I ate some rice salad and a nectarine.  And then I stopped.  My throat closed up and I had a mind/body connection that is a new feeling for me.  I am just getting used to hearing my voice and allowing it to surpass by anxiety.  When it happens, it is almost like having an orgasm.  It surprises me.

Mind: "Stop.  Stop.  You are eating because you are sad about how you feel about yourself.  Eating more will not change this.  Stop.  Remove yourself from the kitchen.  Track your WeightWatchers points and move on.  You are tired and thirsty.  Take a nap."

Body: I threw out what I was binging on, washed my hands, and got a huge glass of ice water.  I left the kitchen and I laid down.

I won this little battle.


This struggle is hour by hour, minute by minute.  But, by being conscious all the time and by listening to my mind, I know I can do this.  Somewhere inside of me, my strength is starting to simmer.

So, I had my little pity party.  My sister is skinny and I am jealous.  So what?  She is still my sister and I love her just the same.  She is kind, supportive, respectful, and intelligent.  She is a person that I trust and depend on.  As I get older, I realize how important this is.  There are so many less people like this in my life than I once assumed.

I am battling a food addiction.

Coming to terms with it has been a reality check that I have been avoiding for way over 12 years.  I always knew it, but I didn't want to fight it.  I wasn't ready.  I wasn't strong enough yet.

I knew inside it would be a hard fight and IT IS.

I wish there was an instant fix for this.  I wish there was a way to feel like myself inside AND out.  But, I have to get over myself and my fear of failure.

I will do this.

And unlike the old me, I will not let vanity lead this battle.....I want it for health, for life, for ME.  I want to be able to go to a party without fearing my appearance in posted photos.  I want to be able to take a trip and enjoy the sights just as much as the restaurants.  I want to be the same size for more than just a few months.  To enjoy by wardrobe 4 seasons in a row.

I want my mind to lead and my body to follow.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Product Review: Kiehl's Conditioner and Grooming Aid - Formula 133

In an effort to clean out my toiletry drawer before I move, I am using up all of my beauty samples...even the ones that are a few decades years old.

I finally decided to break into a little bottle of Kiehl's Conditioner and Grooming Aid - Formula 133 that I have been "saving" for a special occasion....

Well, it is AWESOME.

I don't need another expensive beauty product in my arsenal, but this is worth every cent.

A few years ago, right after I moved home, I got 1 of the worst haircuts of my life.  My mom made me go because she thought a little sprucing up would brighten my mood.  Unfortunately, the lady she sent me to for my makeover, didn't speak English well....a simple trim turned into an 8 inch haircut in a matter of seconds.

I wasn't ready for such a change.

Hair flew off my head before I could protest.

It was soul crushing.

Since since, I have been growing back my hair (1 of my favorite features) to it's signature length (right below my breasts), but instead of growing back thick and wavy (like it was before the CHOP), it has become a thin, lifeless, and drab curtain.  The stylist razored my strands and my hair didn't like it.  Sad.

After I used my sample the other day, I couldn't believe the results.  My hair was BACK.  There is hope.

And it wasn't just in my mind, all of the clients I saw that day complimented it.  One even asked if I had extensions in.....I was on a good hair day high!

This product can be used as a standard rinse-out conditioner or as a leave-in one.  I sampled it as both. That's just how I roll.

I used about a quarter sized amount in the shower and rinsed it out.  I then finger combed about a pea sized amount through my freshly washed and towel dried hair post shower.


I always air dry my hair before I style it (I flat iron the ends and put a few large curls/waves in after that with a curling iron) and I almost didn't even have to style looked THAT good.

My hair dried all sexy, thick, wavy, shiny, and beachy.

I just ordered a big bottle in the hopes of recreating this magic mane miracle again and again.

Try it.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Isn't It Ironic?

I go to an obnoxious gym.  Suburban life at it's finest.  70 year old plastic ladies in teeny bikinis,  $100,000 luxury cars parked across 3 spaces, and juicy infidelity gossip shared at the smoothie stand that gets immediately twisted in the locker room.

Yet, I have been there a lot.  Because I need to be.  And the bonus is that I hardly know anyone there, so it is worth it to me to go somewhere annoying if I can be anonymous.

Something I find very ironic at my gym are the parking lot wars. Members circle close spots like it is Black Friday at the mall.  Aren't you there to work out?  What is a few extra steps if you plan to do an hour on the treadmill?

Last week, I witnessed a blond in a Lexus SUV and a brunette in a Range Rover get into a bitch fight over a parking spot.  Both had children under 3 in their fancy rides.  Seriously, this isn't The Real Housewives of 24 Hour Gyms....move on....move on!

I laughed at how ridiculous the entire situation was and parked in the furthest spot possible.  Then I walked right by the fight on my way in, so I could here the ridiculous rants of, "move your car because I was here FIIIIIIRRRSSSSTTTTT" to remind myself that people like this are morons and I never want to become one.

Ever since then, I have been parking far away when I visit anywhere with a huge parking lot.

I decided that the extra steps and avoiding drama are both positives.....but if you decide to get into a public fight...I will be gawking....I love me drama from afar.

Monday, July 15, 2013


Lately, I feel older.  Not old, just older.

I am not upset about my age, 32.  Sometimes, I get a bit miffed and depressed that I am not married, that I am childless, and that I am not a homeowner.  But, I know that I am a late bloomer and I always have been.  Often I get my good a bit later that most, but it is always worth the wait.

I feel old because my body and what I can tolerate are changing.

No longer can I be on my feet for 2 days straight without my back hurting a bit.  I can't have 3 dirty martinis (my favorite) without a SEVERE hangover.  I feel it when I don't workout.  Fast food makes me bloated, tired, and miserable.  Less than 7 hours of sleep creates HUGE under eye bags and a piss poor attitude.

I was once so resilient and I didn't even know it.

Back in the day, I could slam a fifth of Jim Beam and wake up and work a double shift at 2 different jobs the very next day.  I could eat an entire pizza and drink 8 cans of diet soda in 1 afternoon without even a belch.  I could sleep 2 hours a night for 3 weeks straight and look adorable and not have a mental breakdown.

And yet, I am not at all upset about my older status.

I like how my body is checking me.  Telling me that I must make smart decisions or I will feel it.  I know that if I skip the gym, eat dirty, or miss my sleep...well, I won't be the best me and I like the me I am becoming now, so I am making better decisions.

Long gone are the days of cigarettes, Big Macs (I am still craving 1 from time to time), bottles (glasses are okay) of wine, and 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  I am not sad about this.  I am actually very happy that I am figuring out what my body needs now and I am quickly learning how to listen to her.

Prior to this year, I never had a mind body connection.  I couldn't stop eating when I was full, I couldn't go to sleep when I was tired, and I couldn't workout to relieve my stress.....I just didn't get what I needed to make me feel good.

So, this is progress.  Listening to my inner voice to make the best choices for me.

And as my age goes up, hopefully the scale will go down.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Going to Graceland

Crush and I planned to not see each other at all this summer.  I am super busy finishing up my work obligations and I am focusing on bettering myself with diet, exercise, and therapy.  When I get in the zone, it is best for me to stay there a while.

The other day, Crush called me to tell me that he just had to see me.  Atypical behavior for him as he is often a cool customer.  Crush shared that he would love to spend a few days away just the 2 of us.  His treat.  In neither of our hometowns, so we can relax, sleep in, and do whatever we want to do.  Crush would plan and book all of the details.  How could I say no?

We actually need this little trip very much.  The last few visits have been full of events, family, and friends.  We have had many incredible times in the company of the ones we love, but we haven't had a just us visit since NYE.

I like alone time with my significant other.  Many of my past relationships didn't allow for this after a while and I believe that in some ways it is what helped destroy the bonds that started strong and weakened over time.  Couples need to plan the "just the 2 of us" time even if it is a mere date a few times a month to reconnect.  There has been so much excitement about the future that Crush and I have lost a bit of the we that we shared in the beginning.

So, in 5 weeks, Crush and I will be heading to Memphis.  We plan to tour Graceland, Sun Studios, and the Gibson Guitar Factory.  We will tear up the town on Beale, see the ducks parade at The Peabody Hotel, and have some nice suppers.  Crush said it best, "I just want to have fun with my miss" and I agree, I can't wait to walk hand in hand, have some happy hour cocktails overlooking the Mississippi River, and order late night room service.  I plan to even bring my workout clothes, so I can balance the BBQ with some cardio.  I have learned that even the littlest changes in the right direction can create some big results.

Crush and I will also celebrate our first anniversary of correspondence and Mister Crush's 35th birthday while we are in Memphis.  Last year, the week I will now be spending with Crush in Memphis, I spent with Smartie Best Friend down South while she helped her gorgeous littlest sister acclimate to college at a major institution in a little sleepy state.  I had an incredible time: I got mistaken for a mom (of a college aged kid!) several times, drank many incredible martinis, and had out of control good sushi and Thai.  I reminisced about college, felt old, felt thankful that I wasn't in college anymore (I need my sleep now), and I even slept on a freshman door room floor after I had a 2 hour laughing fit with Smartie and her sis about it (I think my back still hurts from this...!).

I remember telling Smartie Best Friend about this guy on who lived in a different city than me and no way or how did I EVER expect that a year later I would be moving 1200 miles towards a new life with him.  I must admit that I was a bit of a bitter betty on the college trip as I was feeling very desperate, alone, and lost.  I started this blog soon thereafter....never thinking that I would meet Crush in person in October and we would fall in love so quickly.

It is a pretty neat story now that I think about it.  I wished for my Crush on a Florida trip with 1 of my best friends in June 2012 and sent my first email back to Crush on a college trip with 1 of my best friends in August 2012....KISMET!

I have said it before and I will say it again, you just never know when your life will change....

Have any of you glorious readers been or live in Memphis?  If so, please share some of your hot spot and restaurant recommendations.  We will be doing mostly touristy stuff, but I know it is always best to ask suggestions from those in the know when it comes to music, food, and booze.  Any ideas are appreciated!!!!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Forbidden Foods

I am getting real with myself and my food addiction.

It sucks.

It has made me SUPER emotional and that is a good thing.  I need to get to the root of my issues.

Food has always been a coping mechanism for me.  I use it as a drug.  To escape reality.  To soothe myself.  It is my sanctuary.

One of my recent discoveries has been shocking.  In therapy, I have had to identify my trigger foods and as I have shared before...they aren't even things I necessarily like.  They are:

Wheat Thins
Pepperidge Farm Cookies (Butter and Milano)
Granola Bars
White Bread

Other things I really LOVE like pizza, Cheetos, and candy are an indulgence and I actually do not think of them in a negative light.  These items are rarely in the house and are not unhealthy things for me passing for heathy (like some of the items above), so I can clearly identify their potential damage for me if I eat them in excess.

I know I can handle a splurge from time to time if I plan for it and let myself let go and enjoy it within moderation.

One of the things I have recently learned is that everyone is so different with what triggers them.  A binge food for me may be a safe and nutritious food for someone else.  Binging is super personal and foods that make people spiral range from fruit to double bacon cheeseburgers.  The addiction is my own, so the solution has to be my own as well.

The items I listed above are foods that have always been in my parents' home.  From my earliest memories these are the foods we had to grab in the pantry.  My parents didn't believe in real junk (potato chips, soda, Hostess cakes), so when I started to binge actively in third grade, these are the snacks I stuffed myself with.  Over the last 18 months, these are the same items that have been tripping me up time and time again.

I made a major breakthrough in my eating therapy last week.  I just have to avoid these foods.  Since I do not even like these items that much, giving them up isn't that hard.  I just have to stay present and know that the snack shelf in the pantry isn't my shelf.  It belongs to my parents.  When I go back to my independent life, these items will never be in the house and now that I know how damaging they are for me, I will never buy them.

Since I rebooted my WeightWatchers, I have been eating real whole foods with little treats thrown in here and there.  Here is an example of a typical eating day for me:

Breakfast #1 (Pre-Workout):
- 2 light string cheeses
- 1 Nonfat Greek yogurt
- Iced coffee with 2 tablespoons half and half and 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Breakfast #2 (Post-Workout):
- 1 slice American cheese
- 3 egg whites cooked in 1 tablespoon real butter

- 5 ounces of breaded chicken cutlet (skinless, boneless breast) cooked in 1 tablespoon of olive oil
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- Steamed corn on the cob and zucchini

- Fruit smoothie made with fresh frozen fruit (nectarine, peach, berries, banana), 1 cup skim milk, 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

- 4 ounces of grilled hanger steak
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- 1 medium baked potato with 1 tablespoon real butter and 1 tablespoon real sour cream

- 1 vanilla ice cream dixie cup
- 1 cup cherries

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Monday, July 8, 2013

We All Have Issues

I have been so MIA.  Just working.  It is SUPER busy with work.  I slept no more than 20 hours TOTAL last week and this is just the nature of my job some months.  Excited to hit a different pace in less than 10 weeks!

The move is creeping up and I am feeling positive.  I think I found a place to live (Crush is checking it out for me this afternoon) and the resume is all updated and ready to send.  I have been making healthy food choices (for the most part) and trying to get to the gym when I can.  This last week was all about work and the next 3 will be as well, but when I can, I am popping by the gym to get in some quick cardio.  At the very least, it helps with my depression and psoriasis (so not sexy!).

So, I lost another pound.  I am staring the almost 10 pound mark in the eye and I know this time is the real time.  Big changes for me are being worked on a daily basis.  I am eating real food for the first time in my life and losing weight.  I don't want to lose the weight eating only Lean Cuisines, butter spray, and diet soda.  And I say this because several times that I lost weight it was because I did it with all diet products and fake foods.  I feel good.  People have been telling me how beautiful my skin is (my face skin as I still have psoriasis a bit on the arms and knees, but it is improving) and it has been years since I have heard this.  I am wearing far less makeup and I am feeling attractive.  I guess no soda, lots of fruits and veggies, less junk, and minimal booze does make me better looking.  I never said I wasn't vain.

Today, after my WW meeting, I hopped over to the gym for a quick cardio session.  I have a few gym pet peeves:

1.  Why do all women under 25 wear underpants to the gym as shorts?  What is up with those booty biter teeny gym daisy dukes?  I mean, butt cheeks and vaginas should not be exposed while on the elliptical.  I thought camel toes were not a fashion statement when they can be avoided....Some gals have the figure for it and some don't and I am not even hating on that (BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE FIGURE FOR THEM AND WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT)....I just feel that it must be more comfortable to not have 2 inches of "shorts" ride up your crotch on the stair climber.

2.  Not wiping off the machine after you usees it.  This is obvious.  Don't be gross (man who is 75 and wears the cut Gold's Gym tank top with exposed sides that reach the top of your sweat pants, I am talking to you).  I wipe off my you try it too.  Can't we all just pull our own weight?  The takers of the world don't wipe machines and the givers do, I decided.

3.  Asking me when I will be done with something/standing right next to the machine I am using while I am trying to reduce my mass while sighing, tapping your foot, and staring at your watch.  Manners people!  Manners.  I get that everyone has a machine they like to use and we are all in a hurry. Be an adult, wait your turn, and plan for Plan B.  Sometimes there is someone on the spin bike with the clip in petals I like to use, so I bring regular gym shoes, too.  Because when someone is in the zone pedaling away, I don't want to tap them on the shoulder, make them drop their headphones, and ruin their concentration to ask them to please hurry (this has happened to me multiple times). When I am at the gym, I celebrate the fact that I am there.  The gym's policy is 60 minutes per machine and I follow that rule, so don't ask me to get off 3 minutes after I got on (lady with the pink exercise mini skirt....I direct this at you!).

A little more gym matter what time I am at the gym, there are always 2 different ladies there.  It dawned on me today that they have an exercise addiction.  They are both less than 100 pounds dripping wet (which they do from all the exercise), do cardio non-stop, and look like nutritionally, they aren't perhaps eating enough......sad.  It makes me so sad.  I think they compete against one another for who is there the longest and I believe they are there at least 4-6 hours a day.  Last week, I forget my headphones and went back in the afternoon between appointments and they were both still there...4 hours later, so I am not being my normal dramatic self.

I am telling I go to the gym more and at infrequent times, I always see them.  Well, almost always and for the most part they are both there, but do not interact with each other.

As I pounded the treadmill, I realized, food and exercise and appearance, well, maybe most of us gals have a little something?

 I am a binge eater and they have their troubles, too.  Yes, I may weigh twice as much as they do, but I am no better and they and vice versa, we just have different issues.

And then I felt positive for me.

Because I am getting help for my issues.  I don't know their particular stories or treatment history, but I am working on improving my relationship with food now.  Presently, I am trying to improve and I am for me.

 Yes, I am 32 and not a young whippersnapper, but I am trying. Both of the gym ladies are older than me and I feel for them.  Because I know the hold food can have over life.

I have put so many things on hold because of my weight.  So many.  And for what?  Another private binge that gives me no clarity, security, or long standing happiness?!

I won't waste any more of my life destroying it because of my food addiction.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Sexy Dreams and Busy Times and Reality Checks

It has been busy around here.  Summer is always my busiest time of year.  When I move down South, I can't wait to have summer stretch a little past September.  Extra bonus that I will be very close to the beach.  I haven't enjoyed summer in years and I miss it.  Aside from a fabulous beach vacation last year, I yearn for a time that I am able to stretch out all day under the sun on a weekend, reading a book.  Perfection.

WeightWatchers is chugging along.  I am down another 2 pounds this week. Excited.  Especially because it is THAT time of the month and I am very bloated and also a chocolate monster.  Couple that with my favorite pizza, sushi, and some AMAZING Costco vanilla cake this past week....well, I was not expecting a loss and I will take it.  I have been great about planning my meals and tracking every bite (good and bad) and getting to the gym.  My gym is open 24 hours, so that helps.  

Facing reality about my food addiction is eye opening.  I never eat because I am hungry.  I don't even  know what true hunger feels like anymore.  I am beginning to learn how to detect my hunger in therapy.  I really believe that I am learning the skills I need to know to tackle my eating obsession for life.  It is making me feel hopeful. is a little confession. I keep having a sex dream about someone that is NOT Crush.

Well, a few months ago, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me one time when we were out.  This person has since become someone I trust and love to spend time with.  I think of him more as a gal than a guy and for most of our friendship, we have both been in serious relationships.  Now he is single.  

See, I don't have many friends anymore in my city that I feel I can spend time with even though I have friends here that I care deeply about.  This may be in my head more than anything, but most of my friends are married and have children and I simply don't feel like imposing in on plans.  I hate burdening people.  I also have serious social anxiety, so I like to avoid "popular" hot spots where I feel like I could see people I know.  This male friend is artsy and in some ways much cooler than me.  His group of friends patron places that I have never been or even heard of and it has really opened my eyes to the city I have lived in or around most of my life.  I always feel like an adventure is in store when we spend time together and I find myself staying out way later than I ever plan to with him because I am having so much fun.

I never have guy friends that stick around for long.  After a while, they always try to have sex with me, or they believe I like them (I am flirty and obnoxious by nature, but I actually crush on people very little) and that makes things super awkward.  All through my 20's, any guy I ever thought was my friend, either disappeared (because they thought I liked them) or snapped and did something very odd: called me to tell me they loved me at 4:00 am, waited in my lobby all night to talk to me to tell me that they can't stop thinking about me,  let me sleep over when I was drunk (and not make-out) and then never spoke to me again, or threw a drink in my face and called me a tease at a happy hour....

This male friend is different.  We like the same things (which is odd because I have strange taste), we love the same music, we can talk about roller coasters for hours. He feels like hanging out with my sister, who is seriously such a cool and funny person to waste a few hours with.

When my friend tried to kiss me a while back, we were enjoying some martinis and he told me that he loves how I smell.  I will say, I have a signature scent (I wear an oil that I have been wearing since I was 12) and men seem to love it, always.  He then started smelling the nape of my neck....told me I have a beautiful neck and then well.....he started kissing it.  KISSING MY NECK!  Do you know how much I love having my neck kissed?  Like to infinity.  LOVE IT.  It all happened so fast, I didn't know how to stop it until I moved away so abruptly that I tripped over a bar stool.  

We both started laughing and it broke the moment. 

The neck kiss in itself was so telling that the sex between us would be incredible.  I feel like the tenderness of a kiss is the true reveler of sexual compatibility.  This was right on.  And....well, Crush and I are still working on our kissing and neck kissing.  Crush is a bit less experienced than my friend.  But, he is open to direction and I love him so much, that it is lovely when we are intimate, but it won't be INCREDIBLE until I move and we can practice often.    Crush has a hard time with foreplay because he gets so excited.  Sometimes in bed, I feel like he turns into a horny 16 year old.  Things are all over the place.  

I often felt this way in college.  The guys had no idea what they were doing.  And after college, I dated a lot of OLDER men.  They knew what they were doing.  They worshipped my body and were tender, slow, and seductive.  I love that.  I love feeling worshipped.  Oy.  I just admitted that.

My friend, well, he gets a lot of tail.  I know it.  He knows it.  I bet we could have fun naked.  I say this as someone who loves and appreciates male prowess. His neck kiss was just spot on. 

Even since then, when we hang out, we do not discuss the drunken neck kiss.  I decided I value his company too much and I have boyfriend and he knows it and he is still a guy, so he doesn't need to talk about everything like I do.  I even resisted making a few jokes about it and he dates all the time, so I thought we were past needing to discuss it.  

Last week while we were having lunch with his friend, he told his pal randomly right in front of me, "I tried to make out with R&F a few months ago.  She just smells too good and has the best lips, I couldn't help it.  I respect her relationship and all that, but (and he looked me dead in the eye), if things don't work out for her and her boyfriend, I would love to spend a night with her.  I think about it a lot.  Her beauty has grown on me and I consider her to be one of the most gorgeous women I know because she has such a good heart.  And I mean, her face kills me and from what I can tell, cute boobs.  She is also hilarious."

I almost choked on my soup.  SO AWKWARD.  It was just such an open confession and well....flattering, but also sexy.  He looked me right in the eye and told me that he wanted me.  Bold.  Confident.  Seductive. He chose to address it to his friend, so it felt safer and less scary than if we were alone.  I bet he knew that telling me alone would have freaked me out as he tells me that I freak out over nothing all of them time. 

For the last few nights, I have been having epic sex dreams..staring my friend and not my Crush.  And it feels so real.  And in the dreams, I am single. And then I wake up and I feel relieved because I don't want to sleep with my friend and because I love my boyfriend.

So, what will happen?  Nothing.  I love my friend, but he is not the one for me.  I love wanting what I can't have.  I know this.  I also love being wanted.

Since I have gained weight from my emotional eating, moved home, and I am over 30, well, I rarely feel wanted.  I rarely feel beautiful.  I feel awesome when I am with Crush, but since we do not live in the same place yet, it isn't a feeling in my daily life yet.  I feel fat, ugly, and like a failure more than I want to admit.  This feeling of being wanted....I can see why people could cheat.  Could crave validation.  Could do things they normally wouldn't.  I sorta get it now. 

The male friendships that have been broken and the cold drinks that have been thrown in my face....well, maybe I wasn't so innocent after all.  Maybe, I made a guy friend think they had a chance when they never did...especially because I was always single.  Because I needed everyone to tell me how awesome, pretty, and funny I was.  Because I had horrible self-esteem.

I am beginning to think all of my past male friends believed I wanted them (that's why some of them acted on it) when all I ever really wanted was their approval. 

This feels different.  Sexual tension aside.  This may just be the only guy friend that sticks around because we are actually friends and we can address the obvious.  Given different circumstances...well, getting naked could have happened.  Not forever, just for one night.