Friday, December 20, 2013

Failure, Rejection and Confrontation

I have been a bad bad blogger lately.  And yet, I have a bunch to say.  Lately, I just haven't felt like saying anything.  Some of it is being in a new place and some of it is that I am planning a wedding and some of it is that I am sitting around a bunch, too much.  I find that I am VERY lazy and unproductive when I give myself too much unorganized time.  When I have tons of downtime, after a while, I feel some old and familiar signs of depression sneaking up on me.  Lately, I have been blah.  Busy doing things that don't really matter, but not busy working.  I miss working.

A few days ago, I applied for a job that I REALLY WANT.  The first one that I am perfectly qualified for at a place that I would be super proud to work for. I feel this tidal wave of anxiety and doubt.  I haven't felt this want in so long.  It's the same kind of want that I used to feel when I was single and praying for a partner.

In the last few years, I have become very familiar with 2 things that I have always feared: failure and rejection.

Yes, running your own business, there is a TON of it.  Mix in a failed relationship, countless dead-end dates and living with your parents while you celebrated your 31st and 32nd birthday.  Well, I could have made a failure and rejection sundae.

But, the things that I feared the most, aren't that big of a deal.  Some people don't like me?  That's okay, I typically don't like them more right back.  I tried a new approach and it wasn't the best way to get something done?  Well, I tried something new.  And let's not even mention all of the MASSIVE business mistakes that I made time and time again?  The good news here is that I learned.  I tried and failed and I eventually made a conscious decision that I needed to change.  And when I go back to being an independent business owner again, I will be SO MUCH BETTER and WISER.  And more successful.

I may get this job.  I may not.  Life will go on and I will eventually find something that suits me.  It will all be okay.  I know this.

As then there was confrontation.  I get the chills just typing that word.  There is nothing that makes me feel worse than a fight.  I hate when people are mad at me.  I even hate when people I hate are mad at me.  I even hate when people I hate who are stupid idiots are mad at me, even when I know that they are stupid idiots.  OY.  Exhausting.

Recently, I have learned that confrontation and I are not friends because I conditioned myself to be an enabler.  I enable bad behavior, rude treatment and pure insanity to avoid altercations.  I spent years lying and over-promising to get out of necessary conversations and conflict, "You aren't treating me right...", "I feel what you are doing is unethical", "Why are you going behind my back when I can help you."  I would have rather kept silent than be on any one's radar.  This is not a good way to live life as an active participant.

Since I have moved, I have been working on this.  If I can't do something for someone, I don't.  If someone is trying to take their bad day out on me for something that isn't my fault, I ask them.  If I make a mistake, I admit it and own it and find a solution rather than running away like I used to.

Confrontation isn't such a bad thing.  I mean, without it, my favorite channel in the world, Bravo, would never exist.  Their entire program lineup is just confrontation videotaped in different cites....

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Breakups SUCK! A Post Dedicated to a Friend I Love

A friend I love and care for deeply is going through a little something....a breakup.


I told her this.  Time* is the only way to soothe the breakup scorn.  I wish there was a better answer for this and we could play a fun 80's song and have a fashion spree/makeover montage and make it all go away in 3 minutes.

* Even 2 YEARS post breakup and I am engaged to my soul mate for heaven's sake, I STILL get angry about the shit that went down with Awful from time to time and cyber stalk him and balk and huff around.  I BROKE UP WITH HIM, let's not forget which only adds to my crazy.  AND......I think he may have acquired a bulldog which ANNOYS me on EVERY level because that was the dog I WANTED when we were together and he didn't want one.  He once again gets to give me a virtual flick off and as hilarious as I find it because he doesn't have an original thought, it enrages me because get your own ideas and own life, Awful.  AND, nanananabooboo, I don't even want a bulldog anymore, but I won't tell you the kind of dog we are getting (a cairn terrier) because you will probably outbid the one I put a deposit down for and travel 1,200 miles by motorcycle to screw me over.  Yes, I know, I am NOT normal (AT ALL!) and that the world doesn't revolve around me and trying to piss me off.  I also realize that only bolding some words which I do when I get excited must be super annoying to read...sorry about that.  Oy, the "......" must be annoying, too. 

There is nothing I like more than an inspirational quote.  I look at Pinterest and Instagram for them and not for wedding ideas which is pretty funny when you think about it.  Here are a few things I came up with, a few things I summarized from being influenced by other sayings and a few things that are just common sense (when you think about it and the heart sometimes clouds the mind) that I wanted to share for my AMAZING friend and everyone else who has suffered a breakup.  Here we go:

1.  Breakups and breakdowns allow for breakthroughs.

2.  A person should be measured by the way they make you feel as when it comes to love, that is the only thing that really matters.

3.  Life gives you great lessons when you are ready to learn them.

4.  Change is terrifying, but it is also extremely exciting. A clean slate is a gift that keeps on giving.

5.  So much can happen in a year.  Shit, look at me if you really need some proof.  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for ANYONE......I am not a precious pony.

6.  Make your husband/wife list.  Make it!  PLEASE.  When you are ready.  It works.  I got everything I wrote on my list....EVERYTHING.  And....well, I forgot to wish for clean and tidy, sigh.

7.  Getting in shape and buying new makeup and revamping your wardrobe and losing weight are all awesome.  But, nothing can really fix the way you feel about yourself externally until you change the way you feel about yourself internally.  I tried to lose weight for YEARS before meeting Crush and I am just now able to do it because I feel safe, secure and loved.  My fiancĂ© fell in love with me when I was at my absolute heaviest EVER and he still loves me for me.  I will get off my pedestal now and stop playing my violin, but true love is about so much more than the way you look. And we are ALL gorgeous, darlings.

8.  Reintroduce yourself to a few things that you missed from your life before this relationship ever happened.  These things make you happy and ground you and will help you re-identify with who you are as a person.

9.  A broken heart is a feeling like no other.  It is dark and scary and painful and parched.  It is heavy and deep and personal and lonely.  Trite as it is, the thin line between love and hate can be microscopic.  You will feel crazy.  You will feel FUCKING PISSED.  You will eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.  But, you WILL FEEL.  And feeling emotion is this amazing thing that people can do.  You will forever really understand what all of the sad songs, movies and poems about love are all about. You will be moved.  And your outlook about what you deserve and who you allow yourself to date will change because you will have learned (sometimes it takes a few tries to get this one down......I liked to date alcohol and food abusers until I realized that 2 peas in a pod may make a party, but not a functioning relationship).

10.  Do not apologize for the person that you are.  Only apologize for the stupidity of the person you were once with because they could not appreciate all of your gifts.  For example, "I am sorry, but you will NEVER do better than me." Oh yes, and sometimes a simple, "FUCK YOU!!!!" can be very effective, too.

When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and if you are too depressed for a little while to get the motivation to mix them with water and sugar, I highly recommend sipping on some Limoncello to take the edge off.



Thursday, December 5, 2013

Old Flames on Planes

A few weeks ago I saw a boy I used to love on a plane.  I thought it was him, but then I doubted myself.  I used to think that he was the dreamiest and now he looks, well, he looks old.  Tired, worn and bald.  Not that there is anything wrong with bald, Crush is losing some of his locks and everything about my sweet man is sexy.

My high school crush and I were friends over sixteen years ago.  Close friends, actually.  I dreamt of him on the regular.  I wanted to be so much more than platonic and a few times I really thought that he was going to kiss me.  He never did.  Soon before he left for college, Bitch told him that I said something about him that wasn't true (so high school).  I can't even remember what it was that she accused me of saying, I blocked it from my mind. And then I felt stupid and ashamed.  I was too embarrassed to clear it up and I didn't want to apologize for something I didn't do, so we drifted.  Never spoke to him again.  I hadn't seen him in over fourteen years and wham, there he was, sitting two rows behind me on a Southwest plane.

I stared at him until he said hello.  I had the feeling that if I didn't catch his eye, he would have ignored me as I couldn't tell if he didn't know who I was or if he just didn't want to acknowledge me.  People from the Midwest can be weird about this I have learned.  Ignore you for no reason other than not feeling like having a quick chat.

He was with a girl that he seemed to be dating and I believe that she may have attended our high school, too.  If she wasn't with him, I would have bugged him a bit more.  I would have told him that I once loved him and see how his life turned out, but it just didn't seem like the right time or place. He seemed rather uninterested in talking to me and I can sympathize because it was 6:00 am and I was all revved up on fresh coffee and engagement adrenaline.

When I looked into his eyes, he perhaps lacked true recognition for me or maybe he just doesn't like me because of something he thinks I said over a decade ago.

It is funny how someone can touch you so deeply in life and not even know it.

He was my Jake Ryan and I was just some girl that he went to high school with that he kinda sorta remembers.....

Monday, December 2, 2013

So Much To Say AND So Hard To Say It

Hi out there!

I hope all is well and that everyone had a wonderful Tday.

I spent mine in South Carolina and it was lovely.  I missed my own family dearly, but I enjoy (most) of Crush's, so it was a nice celebration.

I have a lot to say and yet I feel myself pulling back.  I am censoring myself a bit which I don't like.  For a while, I played around with the idea of revealing more of myself and sharing photos and all that on this blog.  After much consideration, I finally decided that I just don't feel comfortable with this  right now.

I am still trying to get my legs here and life is great, but is it perfect? Of course not.  I had a bunch of less anonymous posts planned (they are in my draft box) and I felt major doubt and anxiety about unveiling myself every single time I went to press the publish button.  I have to trust my instincts.

I am in the process of looking for a full-time job blah blah blah and the REAL truth here: Crush's family is sadly VERY judgmental and I fear that if they read ALL of what I have said here and I have said a lot, well then, I guess I worry that they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't understand me.  Then, I stress that my fiance wouldn't want to marry me.....HOLY REVELATION TIME!!!!!!

I am me.  I am this person now and she is pretty great.  BUT, I have a past.  A past a bit juicer than Crush's.

Crush is getting better at being his own man, but he is very influenced by his family and that is actually a good thing because his parents are awesome and quite sensible.

But.....well, there is a big piece of this puzzle I am leaving out, so here goes.....

Let's just say that Crush's little sister is a force to be reckoned with and I don't want to face that force head on.  I am totally afraid of her in some ways because she is utterly unpredictable.  Her favorite current form of entertainment is looking up a Facebook profile of one of her "friends" and publicly ripping that person apart....ruthlessly. To say I find her appalling would be an understatement.  She is the text book definition of a mean girl.  The only silver lining,  I have experience with this type of gal.  I remember high school well and let's not even start with the countless vapid bridezillas I have dealt with over the last few years.  And perhaps even more important, Crush thinks she acts like an idiot too, but he is not one to ruffle feathers or speak his mind.  We are working on this.  I bet his family won't like it, but as much as I love his sweetness,  I also need some balls and a backbone.

She leaves me exhausted.

I don't think there is anyway to avoid having her as a bridesmaid even though I would seriously entertain eloping in order to avoid having her around me on my wedding.  She is just everything I am against and I find it very telling that Crush says that he "despises girls like his sister" because we are so different.  Any romantic fan of hers wouldn't be a fan of mine.

More to come on her, I have a whole post dedicated to her commentary.

Crush knows EVERYTHING about me, but of course, there are some personal things that his family doesn't.  Things from my past that I am sure they would find concerning.  I went through a phase where I dabbled in cocaine a little bit.  I have eating issues.  I used to drink because I was so depressed.  I used to get very angry.  I have been in several abusive relationships where I made myself a willing victim.

I am finding that by keeping to myself, being a good listener and staying friendly,  I am okay.  These are not traits that come easy for me.  All of my life experiences have come together as a coping mechanism.

I am thinking of continuing to blog here and then in due time, making a new public blog that shares more of my life openly.  There, things will be a bit more sunshine and rainbows as most public blogs are.  I want to tell the good and the bad, I just know that if I show my face, I will only tell the good and what fun is that to read, if you know it is STILL ME behind all of my shiny posts?  I am not a perfect person.  I never will be.

I guess the harsh reality is that I have everything I have ever wanted.  A bright future, a man that adores me (I am so lucky here) and future financial stability.  But, there is always something.   Starting with a mean girl sister-in-law is something not to be ignored.