When I dated, I dated hard.
I hit the websites. Sometimes, Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid all at once.
I double booked days. Sometimes three dates on one Sunday.
I treated dating like a second job. A means to an end. When I was ready to face the shame, embarrassment, rejection, and emotional turmoil that naturally came with it....I embraced the wave because I knew it would come crashing over me again and I would need and deserve a temporary dating break..... gasping for air, tired and exhausted from being beat down again.
On the round of dating that I met Crush, I had pretty much given up entirely. I had felt like every single person online in my town; I had either met, had been out on a date with already, or knew of and I didn't like and that was leaving me feeling pretty darn blue.
My last round of dates before I met Crush was the "almost" I had gotten used to. The good on paper guy. He was Jewish, taller than me, very sweet, an Ivy League doctor completing his fellowship. We went out 5 times, never kissed, and I knew in my heart, he wasn't the one. When he sent me a text message telling me that "he didn't think we could get together anytime again soon because he was so busy on his new rotation," I was devastated even though I didn't like him, couldn't imagine being intimate with him, and he hated coffee and thought coffee was evil for some reason, so being with him wouldn't have been the best for me anyway...no sex OR coffee? Life wouldn't really go on for me if those were the terms. No guy was worth that.
After Doctor and I parted asexual ways....I broke down. "WHY WHY WHY. Why me...!?!?!?!?"
A few weeks later, I went away, made my husband list and focused on immediate goals and clients. When Crush and I started corresponding, I thought VERY little of it.....because I was used to the never going to happen....now I reason that because I broke my own rules, I think I may have caught Crush without even realizing it.
Crush and I got off to a slow start our first go round. We actually had two starts....which I will get to below. The first time, he made promises to call and never did. He responded to a long heartfelt email I sent (after he sent me a LOOOONG first one ALL about him, so my response to his) with a "thanks for the email, I am super busy and will get back to you soon" and never did. He randomly called me to complain about his broken down Saab convertible and how the dry cleaner messed up his tux that he needed for a charity event....and I almost barfed. PRETENTIOUS LOSER ALERT was flashing in my mind. He went on to tell me that he had 1600 friends on Facebook and that I was strange for not being on there (he is now contemplating deleting his account) and that he went to prep school and had a maid....I gagged while talking to him and made fun of him which was very poor character thinking about it. I deleted him from my phone and email. I thought, what a spoiled self centered prick.
SIDE NOTE: The thing is that my Crush is the most literal person I have EVER met. I told him once that his earnestness reminds me of Forrest Gump and he thanked me. All of his recounts were just him telling me about his present life and I read WAY into it. I now think this could be a nerdy inexperienced guy thing and I bet all of these guys I wrote off for being "too cool" were probably just "SUPER nerdy" and are most likely making some lucky gals, great husbands.
At the time Crush and I had our 1.0, I stopped telling everyone my personal business and started to date a bit secretly. I decided to protect myself. My life was not a story for people to chat about over dinner (the blog is....hahahaha, chat away!)....Other than the blog, I decided to not to over share the dramatics of my life because it was taking a toll on me. I was getting sick of explaining all of my never going anywhere male company to friends...."no, not that guy, we stopped texting a month again, this guy is new, he is really cute and a lawyer, no the other one was an accountant........!" I was feeling like a mockery, a fraud, a joke, a broken record of "well, it was a good date, but nothing happened and there is no second one scheduled". It was killing me on the inside, yet, I put my best foot forward and tried my hardest to be happy, open, and positive.
One day, I was leaving an appointment and my phone rang. Weird number, weird area code. I decided to take it as I was working out of town that upcoming weekend and reasoned it was most likely a call regarding work. It was Crush. Had I known it was him, I would have NEVER picked up the phone or returned his call. EVER. I wouldn't have even listened to his voicemail as I HATED him at this point. He told me he would do things and didn't. He bragged about himself. He was spoiled. He was dead to me.
But, he caught me off guard and that led to a wonderful conversation. One that lasted hours and hours. He let me know why he was distracted earlier in our correspondence: because his grandmother passed away, his ex-fiance who he hadn't spoken to for months came back to return the ring (he told her she could keep it) and his 8 year old Saab broke down under an underpass during a massive storm and he had to handle insurance, renting a car, and buying a new one all at the same time. The tuxedo was for an event honoring his deceased and beloved Nanny and he was supposed to wear a specific one (tails) that she loved and he had been running all over town trying to get a new coat as to not stress out his family......it all made sense.
From that conversation, not a single day has passed that we haven't chatted on the phone. I gave him TONS of credit for calling me up after we had a huge lapse of communication, admitting his reality which wasn't super glamorous (I was picking up on something.....and it was that he didn't want to scare me away with the broken off engagement), and following his heart.....
We are trying to figure out our anniversary for the purposes of what date to celebrate and we decided on the date of this conversation mentioned above...which is just 2 months to the day after I wrote my husband list down on paper and 3 weeks after we first became acquainted.
Last night while we were having our daily before bed chat, I asked him why he called me up again and he told me that he just had this intense feeling that I was his wife from the first time he looked at me and even though it got off to a rocky start full of misconceptions, he figured that the things out of his control were out of his control (passing of Nanny, car, ex), but calling me was something he could take ownership over, so he took the risk. He then said that he would have called me as many times as it took to connect as he could feel something when he spoke to me, even if I was guarding myself...up until Crush, I had dated the same man in different bodies ten times, so I thought I was being so smart...
Also, he loved my email response to his bitching about his broken car which was....
"So sorry about your fancy car breaking down. That stinks. I know how frustrating life can be sometimes and how telling someone "that's life!" when something annoying happens is just about the most annoying thing ever. If it makes you feel better, I am off to deal with a business situation much like your car....pretty from the outside, but absolutely broken from the inside...best of luck with your flooded ride and if you can't get it to start again, perhaps you can use it as a boat or a flower planter. Always have a plan B and I wish you the best of luck. I know it is hard to get up after you have been knocked down and I applaud you for it, not everyone can do that. Have a great day!
That email was off the top of my head, I didn't even reread it before I sent it off (as can be seen with the use of "best of luck" twice.....I stopped caring about all men at this time down to the emails I was supposed to impress them with) and it captured my real voice and my real heart and now........my real future.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
A Man With No Plan
I really only had 2 boyfriends before Crush. Neither of them were very good. 1 was a sociopath that I found in bed with an 18 year old girl and 1 was Awful.....oy.
Somewhere in the middle of those two, I met a man who I slept with on and off for 2+ years. I never considered him a boyfriend, but he did tell me he loved me and considered me his girlfriend when I was thin. I told him I loved him back, but I truly didn't mean it. I feel bad even typing that, but it is true. Let's call him Simple Simon.
Simple Simon wasn't that smart even though he had a job that would lead you to believe that he was. SS embarrassed me. He wasn't polished, he was selfish in bed, and a terrible kisser at first (he became quite awesome).....SS was super cheap and had money issues......but, there was something I liked about him....
He was impressed by my accomplishments. He liked that I knew how to do things: cook, clean, have sex, etc. He also liked that I had hobbies: acting, reading, working out, riding my bike.....I think he thought I may have been out of his league and I believed I was, too. I hesitated introducing him to my friends.....and when we did hang out with them, well, he always acted like a fool. It mortified me. So much so that I wished for "someone that did not embarrass me in public" on my husband list because of SS.
SS and I met at a Fourth of July Party 5 years ago. We were both VERY drunk. We made out that night and then continued to hang out off and on. He was using me for sex. I was using him for sex, even though it wasn't very good. I was just lonely. All of my friends were coupled up and having fun with their significant others. All I wanted was some company and all he wanted was to get laid.
SS never wanted to go anywhere with me publicly. I was going through a chubby phase and he told me that my weight embarrassed him. I didn't like him enough to care or lose weight. Whatever. One night he called me to tell me he couldn't see me anymore because he was falling in love with me and I wasn't what he pictured in his plans. I asked him what his plans were and he couldn't tell me.
A few weeks later, he told me I was beautiful, but my weight and religion (he was Catholic and I'm Jewish) made it impossible for us to have a future. I remember feeling sad during this conversation, but not at all broken.....I was slightly whatever about it. I liked him, but I didn't love him and I did not see a real future with him either. I also wanted to watch something on TV that night, I remember just wanting to get off the phone.
Summer turned into fall and my sister got engaged. We lost touch and I began working out and eating well and dropping the pounds. 30 or so in a matter of months. My metabolism is so messed up for losing and gaining weight off and on starting when I was 20, so this is just how my body works. We ran into each other one night as I was leaving the gym and he was jogging and his jaw hit the floor when he saw me. Now that I was thin, I was closer to his ideal....the remaining issue was then just my religion.
We started hanging out again and I loved having the power and feeling sexy. His approval was a turn-on for me. We hung out often. I cooked for him, we went for bike rides, he joined me for a business trip to New Orleans, and we even spent 1 NYE together with one of my best friends. But, my heart was never in it. We were too different. He was a jerk, even though I don't truly think he believed he was one. He told me all about other girls. I decided to date other men. It was a bit of a mess. Yet, he continued to tell me he loved me and I continued to say it back.....lies. I would never do that now. NEVER. Another huge issue I had with him was that he was a porn addict. He wanted to have sex porno style and he was often disrespectful to me in bed. I didn't have the self confidence or awareness to tell him to stop treating me like shit.
I slept with him the entire summer before Sissy's wedding. I didn't invite him to the wedding. I didn't want to introduce him to my family. Like I said, he embarrassed me.
A few weeks before the wedding, I was at his condo (that his brother who is an accomplished surgeon bought him) cooking him dinner and he decided to get drunk. He had had a bad day at work and he couldn't explain why, he could never articulate his thoughts very well, but he was upset. He started taking shots of Jack Daniels and became drunk quickly. It was terrifying. He never drank much. He wolfed down his food and then proceeded to load the dishwasher and started going on and on about how awesome it was that he had a dishwasher. I had one in my place and as awesome as dishwashers are, it was all really odd. Then, he put bathroom soap into the machine....like, he squirted the soap over the dishes like water from a hose.....I tried to correct him and he called me a "fat, ugly, Jewish, know it all bitch." I grabbed my purse and left.
As I walked briskly back to my place, I knew that I never wanted to see him again....EVER. I told my doorman to not let him up ever again and I deleted him from my phone.
I was actually relieved because I was looking for a way out and he gave it to me. It was what I wanted. I wanted to dump him flat on his face for not wanting to date me at first because I was fat.
SS was hard to shake. He showed up at my place, my gym, my work. I never told anyone. I felt like he wasn't really smart enough to do anything bad and he lived in fear of the DUI he had gotten years before and was very careful and afraid of police, so at least I had that on my side.
Eventually he went away....every few months I do get an email for him asking me to coffee and offering an apology. I always delete it without responding.
I cyber-stalked him a few days ago and not surprisingly, he is still single.
I wish him the best, I really do. So happy I didn't settle for that.
It is times like these when I realize how lucky I am for Crush.
Somewhere in the middle of those two, I met a man who I slept with on and off for 2+ years. I never considered him a boyfriend, but he did tell me he loved me and considered me his girlfriend when I was thin. I told him I loved him back, but I truly didn't mean it. I feel bad even typing that, but it is true. Let's call him Simple Simon.
Simple Simon wasn't that smart even though he had a job that would lead you to believe that he was. SS embarrassed me. He wasn't polished, he was selfish in bed, and a terrible kisser at first (he became quite awesome).....SS was super cheap and had money issues......but, there was something I liked about him....
He was impressed by my accomplishments. He liked that I knew how to do things: cook, clean, have sex, etc. He also liked that I had hobbies: acting, reading, working out, riding my bike.....I think he thought I may have been out of his league and I believed I was, too. I hesitated introducing him to my friends.....and when we did hang out with them, well, he always acted like a fool. It mortified me. So much so that I wished for "someone that did not embarrass me in public" on my husband list because of SS.
SS and I met at a Fourth of July Party 5 years ago. We were both VERY drunk. We made out that night and then continued to hang out off and on. He was using me for sex. I was using him for sex, even though it wasn't very good. I was just lonely. All of my friends were coupled up and having fun with their significant others. All I wanted was some company and all he wanted was to get laid.
SS never wanted to go anywhere with me publicly. I was going through a chubby phase and he told me that my weight embarrassed him. I didn't like him enough to care or lose weight. Whatever. One night he called me to tell me he couldn't see me anymore because he was falling in love with me and I wasn't what he pictured in his plans. I asked him what his plans were and he couldn't tell me.
A few weeks later, he told me I was beautiful, but my weight and religion (he was Catholic and I'm Jewish) made it impossible for us to have a future. I remember feeling sad during this conversation, but not at all broken.....I was slightly whatever about it. I liked him, but I didn't love him and I did not see a real future with him either. I also wanted to watch something on TV that night, I remember just wanting to get off the phone.
Summer turned into fall and my sister got engaged. We lost touch and I began working out and eating well and dropping the pounds. 30 or so in a matter of months. My metabolism is so messed up for losing and gaining weight off and on starting when I was 20, so this is just how my body works. We ran into each other one night as I was leaving the gym and he was jogging and his jaw hit the floor when he saw me. Now that I was thin, I was closer to his ideal....the remaining issue was then just my religion.
We started hanging out again and I loved having the power and feeling sexy. His approval was a turn-on for me. We hung out often. I cooked for him, we went for bike rides, he joined me for a business trip to New Orleans, and we even spent 1 NYE together with one of my best friends. But, my heart was never in it. We were too different. He was a jerk, even though I don't truly think he believed he was one. He told me all about other girls. I decided to date other men. It was a bit of a mess. Yet, he continued to tell me he loved me and I continued to say it back.....lies. I would never do that now. NEVER. Another huge issue I had with him was that he was a porn addict. He wanted to have sex porno style and he was often disrespectful to me in bed. I didn't have the self confidence or awareness to tell him to stop treating me like shit.
I slept with him the entire summer before Sissy's wedding. I didn't invite him to the wedding. I didn't want to introduce him to my family. Like I said, he embarrassed me.
A few weeks before the wedding, I was at his condo (that his brother who is an accomplished surgeon bought him) cooking him dinner and he decided to get drunk. He had had a bad day at work and he couldn't explain why, he could never articulate his thoughts very well, but he was upset. He started taking shots of Jack Daniels and became drunk quickly. It was terrifying. He never drank much. He wolfed down his food and then proceeded to load the dishwasher and started going on and on about how awesome it was that he had a dishwasher. I had one in my place and as awesome as dishwashers are, it was all really odd. Then, he put bathroom soap into the machine....like, he squirted the soap over the dishes like water from a hose.....I tried to correct him and he called me a "fat, ugly, Jewish, know it all bitch." I grabbed my purse and left.
As I walked briskly back to my place, I knew that I never wanted to see him again....EVER. I told my doorman to not let him up ever again and I deleted him from my phone.
I was actually relieved because I was looking for a way out and he gave it to me. It was what I wanted. I wanted to dump him flat on his face for not wanting to date me at first because I was fat.
SS was hard to shake. He showed up at my place, my gym, my work. I never told anyone. I felt like he wasn't really smart enough to do anything bad and he lived in fear of the DUI he had gotten years before and was very careful and afraid of police, so at least I had that on my side.
Eventually he went away....every few months I do get an email for him asking me to coffee and offering an apology. I always delete it without responding.
I cyber-stalked him a few days ago and not surprisingly, he is still single.
I wish him the best, I really do. So happy I didn't settle for that.
It is times like these when I realize how lucky I am for Crush.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Fate
I don't want to forget this, so I am going to get this down in real time.
I am feeling rather odd.
Let me just say that I believe in god, in angels, in ghosts, in things that happen that no one can explain...I believe it fate, in soulmate love, in being patient, in being kind, in trying to learn everyday.
I have some weird theories based on my religion, how I view life and death. Weird is too strong a word, it is actually really beautiful, and hopeful, and soothing.
I think about these deep things a lot. When I am trying to sleep, these things keep me up.
In terms of supernatural occurrences, a few things happened last year, that really made me believe, and I do plan to eventually share them. Not like ghost related stuff (even though I have experienced it and will also share), more like fate related conversations with the deceased....EVERYONE, stop judging, I NEVER claimed to be normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mentioned my crush earlier and I spoke to him tonight for a bit. We share the same religion and many of the same views which I am enjoying. After arguing with Awful for over 2 years, I am learning to just speak and not scream with a man.
Tonight, Crush and I started talking about spiritual stuff as we both reflected a bit yesterday on Yom Kippur and he told me about his version of heaven and I nearly peed myself. No one has ever explained the idea to me EXACTLY the way I explain it to other people....it was chills. My views are based on my religion, but also on how my family views these things too, so it is not only odd that our beliefs are the SAME, it is also weird that he explained it just as I have so many nights having the kind of drunk conversations I live for before everyone passes out sitting up with lit cigs in hand.
Then, he said something else........"I don't want to freak you out, but you seem so familiar to me. Not like I have really met you before this or know you. Just your face, your laugh, your voice, everything about you seems so familiar to me and it's scaring me a bit, but I really really like you. Do I seem familiar to you?"
The answer is yes. I made a list a few months ago and sent it to someone very special in heaven and I do think it's possible that my prayers are being answered. He checks off everything on that very long list. If not this one, then someone good like him is coming soon, I am getting so close, I can FEEL it. My heart is opening at the seams in a very good way.
The fact that he says I am familiar is just such a good way of explaining what I am feeling lately. Everything is familiar because I am opening myself up enough to see the things I already know, but never believed.
I am feeling rather odd.
Let me just say that I believe in god, in angels, in ghosts, in things that happen that no one can explain...I believe it fate, in soulmate love, in being patient, in being kind, in trying to learn everyday.
I have some weird theories based on my religion, how I view life and death. Weird is too strong a word, it is actually really beautiful, and hopeful, and soothing.
I think about these deep things a lot. When I am trying to sleep, these things keep me up.
In terms of supernatural occurrences, a few things happened last year, that really made me believe, and I do plan to eventually share them. Not like ghost related stuff (even though I have experienced it and will also share), more like fate related conversations with the deceased....EVERYONE, stop judging, I NEVER claimed to be normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mentioned my crush earlier and I spoke to him tonight for a bit. We share the same religion and many of the same views which I am enjoying. After arguing with Awful for over 2 years, I am learning to just speak and not scream with a man.
Tonight, Crush and I started talking about spiritual stuff as we both reflected a bit yesterday on Yom Kippur and he told me about his version of heaven and I nearly peed myself. No one has ever explained the idea to me EXACTLY the way I explain it to other people....it was chills. My views are based on my religion, but also on how my family views these things too, so it is not only odd that our beliefs are the SAME, it is also weird that he explained it just as I have so many nights having the kind of drunk conversations I live for before everyone passes out sitting up with lit cigs in hand.
Then, he said something else........"I don't want to freak you out, but you seem so familiar to me. Not like I have really met you before this or know you. Just your face, your laugh, your voice, everything about you seems so familiar to me and it's scaring me a bit, but I really really like you. Do I seem familiar to you?"
The answer is yes. I made a list a few months ago and sent it to someone very special in heaven and I do think it's possible that my prayers are being answered. He checks off everything on that very long list. If not this one, then someone good like him is coming soon, I am getting so close, I can FEEL it. My heart is opening at the seams in a very good way.
The fact that he says I am familiar is just such a good way of explaining what I am feeling lately. Everything is familiar because I am opening myself up enough to see the things I already know, but never believed.
I Have a Crush
I totally have a crush on someone.....I keep trying to be the old me and make up reasons why he isn't a good or nice or kind or modest person and he is proving himself to be ALL of these things.
I do this REALLY bad thing where I make up excuses for people. Well, more like assumptions.
I assume someone is this way or that and then I talk myself out of dating nice men and end up with Awfuls. I am not claiming I have met my next boyfriend here, but I will say that this crush already seems to be much more honest and upfront about his reality than anyone I have shared my phone number with yet......and I am excited!
I am not excited because I have someone new to talk to, even though it is indeed nice. I am excited though because I have perhaps opened myself up to the reality of dating a real live person with a good heart because I know in my heart that I truly deserve nothing less. I don't need 6' feet, dark hair (bald is fine at this point), a six pack, or blue eyes (all of this would be excellent, but it is not necessary), I only need someone who will make me feel appreciated, love me honestly, not try to hurt me intentionally, and not lead me to believe that what I what is EXACTLY what he wants, if it isn't.
We will see, but if I can break this spell, this terrible spell of dating absolute Awfuls and I just realized in therapy the other day, addicts, I may be able to perhaps make it past 3 dates with someone.....and that would be nice because even though I am a crabby mess some of the time, I am less of a crabby mess when I get to have sex more than once a year.
I do this REALLY bad thing where I make up excuses for people. Well, more like assumptions.
I assume someone is this way or that and then I talk myself out of dating nice men and end up with Awfuls. I am not claiming I have met my next boyfriend here, but I will say that this crush already seems to be much more honest and upfront about his reality than anyone I have shared my phone number with yet......and I am excited!
I am not excited because I have someone new to talk to, even though it is indeed nice. I am excited though because I have perhaps opened myself up to the reality of dating a real live person with a good heart because I know in my heart that I truly deserve nothing less. I don't need 6' feet, dark hair (bald is fine at this point), a six pack, or blue eyes (all of this would be excellent, but it is not necessary), I only need someone who will make me feel appreciated, love me honestly, not try to hurt me intentionally, and not lead me to believe that what I what is EXACTLY what he wants, if it isn't.
We will see, but if I can break this spell, this terrible spell of dating absolute Awfuls and I just realized in therapy the other day, addicts, I may be able to perhaps make it past 3 dates with someone.....and that would be nice because even though I am a crabby mess some of the time, I am less of a crabby mess when I get to have sex more than once a year.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Pet Peeve
My mind doesn't work like most people's. Like most men's, I should clarify.
When you answer my questions, I will remember the details. I will know your dog's name, where your sister lives, the school your brother attended for undergrad. I am all in the details. One reason why I love my bffs is because their minds works like this, too. We have open conversations about each other's friends that we don't share as if we know them personally. Truth is, most of these people, I haven't even met, we remember enough to be able to relate because we genuinely care.
I am talking to someone occasionally and he doesn't remember my details. He continues to ask me the same questions, the questions I have already answered in detail and it's really starting to bother me. I am very sensitive to this. I hate to over-explain myself, I have yet to meet a man who remembers my details. Is this men or is this the men I seem to attract? Because it shouldn't be that hard to remember some things if you were really that into me.....He's Just Not That Into You didn't just change Miranda's life, it also changed mine.
When you answer my questions, I will remember the details. I will know your dog's name, where your sister lives, the school your brother attended for undergrad. I am all in the details. One reason why I love my bffs is because their minds works like this, too. We have open conversations about each other's friends that we don't share as if we know them personally. Truth is, most of these people, I haven't even met, we remember enough to be able to relate because we genuinely care.
I am talking to someone occasionally and he doesn't remember my details. He continues to ask me the same questions, the questions I have already answered in detail and it's really starting to bother me. I am very sensitive to this. I hate to over-explain myself, I have yet to meet a man who remembers my details. Is this men or is this the men I seem to attract? Because it shouldn't be that hard to remember some things if you were really that into me.....He's Just Not That Into You didn't just change Miranda's life, it also changed mine.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Robbing the Cradle
I am getting to the point where I will have to date a younger man. The men my age who have never been married seem to be insane. I am old enough to be the same age as insane single men....sweet.
I do think that my best bet may be snagging a man a few years younger that actually wants to get married rather than a man my own age who isn't too sure. I tried convincing someone Awful to marry me and I'm not all that convincing.
I think Taylor Swift and her Kennedy are a weird couple. She is WAY too old for him, I mean 22 and 18 aren't like 30 and 26, it is more like 4 and 0 or 12 and 8 or 16 and 12.....there is a big difference.
I mean, he IS in high school. Albeit, a very fancy private prep school, so he may be way mature and not a virgin, but he is still not even able to drink legally in a bar.....screw John Mayer. All of the women he has ever dated, date the weirdest guys after they escape from him.....Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy, Jessica Simpson and her weird fiancé who she got really fat with, Jennifer Aniston and Justin T.....Taylor and Baby Ken(nedy)....I rest my case.
I do think that my best bet may be snagging a man a few years younger that actually wants to get married rather than a man my own age who isn't too sure. I tried convincing someone Awful to marry me and I'm not all that convincing.
I think Taylor Swift and her Kennedy are a weird couple. She is WAY too old for him, I mean 22 and 18 aren't like 30 and 26, it is more like 4 and 0 or 12 and 8 or 16 and 12.....there is a big difference.
I mean, he IS in high school. Albeit, a very fancy private prep school, so he may be way mature and not a virgin, but he is still not even able to drink legally in a bar.....screw John Mayer. All of the women he has ever dated, date the weirdest guys after they escape from him.....Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy, Jessica Simpson and her weird fiancé who she got really fat with, Jennifer Aniston and Justin T.....Taylor and Baby Ken(nedy)....I rest my case.
Special Needs
A few weeks ago a friend asked me if I wanted to be set up with her friend's brother. Sure. I love me a set up. Brother had great details: tall, Ivy League, Jewish, businessman, family money. Done and done.
Brother wanted to see photos, I sent some. Then, crickets.
I called my friend, so sure that Brother rejected me because of my weight.
R & F: So, what is the deal with your friend's brother?
Friend: Um.....wellllll....
R & F: Um, well, what? Seriously, am I too fat?
Friend: YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!! It's not that. It's just...
R & F: He got back together with his ex? He met someone on Jdate and they are in love? I'm not his type? He is moving? What!? Tell me, I promise I can handle it. I am queen of rejection.
Friend: I don't know how to tell you this, he is retarded.
R & F: He is retarded?
Friend: Yes, like something is wrong with him, like seriously wrong with him. His sister told me that he is going to have some serious tests to figure it out. They think that he may have always been retarded, but they never caught it before.
R & F: I am so confused. Is he depressed? I can handle that, no problem.
Friend: No, I told you, he has special needs. He isn't who he appears to be, he is retarded.
R & F: Well, tell him to call me anyway. I mean, at least he is tall. You can't have it all.
Brother wanted to see photos, I sent some. Then, crickets.
I called my friend, so sure that Brother rejected me because of my weight.
R & F: So, what is the deal with your friend's brother?
Friend: Um.....wellllll....
R & F: Um, well, what? Seriously, am I too fat?
Friend: YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!! It's not that. It's just...
R & F: He got back together with his ex? He met someone on Jdate and they are in love? I'm not his type? He is moving? What!? Tell me, I promise I can handle it. I am queen of rejection.
Friend: I don't know how to tell you this, he is retarded.
R & F: He is retarded?
Friend: Yes, like something is wrong with him, like seriously wrong with him. His sister told me that he is going to have some serious tests to figure it out. They think that he may have always been retarded, but they never caught it before.
R & F: I am so confused. Is he depressed? I can handle that, no problem.
Friend: No, I told you, he has special needs. He isn't who he appears to be, he is retarded.
R & F: Well, tell him to call me anyway. I mean, at least he is tall. You can't have it all.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Hate Dating
I want to be set up with someone. I want that person to come highly recommended, to know that I am an awesome person before they ever meet me for real. I want that person to have seen me from afar either at an event or in a photo, to have secretly longed for me, to already know my height in heels, to already know my dress size, to already know the dramatic sweep from my waist to my hips...I want to be able to wear my favorite dress and heels on our first date when my set up takes me to his favorite restaurant which is also mine and we share a bottle of wine we both enjoy (I don't drink much, but this is a SPECIAL occasion).
On this date, I want my set up to tell me how happy he is that I agreed to go out with him because he has always imagined this date and how lucky he is to be in my wonderful company. I want to be set up because it is easy and I am all about instant gratification.
I hate rejection, therefore I hate dating. I hate putting myself out there for all the world to judge me and to be told I am "too tall, too fat, or too loud." I have been told I am all of these things by first dates and it is exhausting even though I have thought to myself that these suitors are "too short, too slight and lacking the necessity of shoulders, or too quiet."
I let the negative define my positive. I am told compliments all the time, I really am. People tell me that I am pretty, that they like the way I dress and smell, that I am funny, that I could have a reality show, that everyone always asks about me when I am not there...." But, I define myself by the negative, the few nasty comments directed at me and then I make them my absolute. I then define myself as being "too tall, too fat, or too loud" because some total schmuck who will never know the real me, told me so.....
I am hiding. I am hiding from my reality. I am getting older, biggest, lazier, and more insecure because I am listening to my negative and forgetting my positive. I want to be set up with someone because then I will know that he already likes me and he won't be able to say mean things on the first date. If I get set top with someone who is already interested then I will have a better chance of not being rejected....this is seriously how my mind works here......this is so not good....
On this date, I want my set up to tell me how happy he is that I agreed to go out with him because he has always imagined this date and how lucky he is to be in my wonderful company. I want to be set up because it is easy and I am all about instant gratification.
I hate rejection, therefore I hate dating. I hate putting myself out there for all the world to judge me and to be told I am "too tall, too fat, or too loud." I have been told I am all of these things by first dates and it is exhausting even though I have thought to myself that these suitors are "too short, too slight and lacking the necessity of shoulders, or too quiet."
I let the negative define my positive. I am told compliments all the time, I really am. People tell me that I am pretty, that they like the way I dress and smell, that I am funny, that I could have a reality show, that everyone always asks about me when I am not there...." But, I define myself by the negative, the few nasty comments directed at me and then I make them my absolute. I then define myself as being "too tall, too fat, or too loud" because some total schmuck who will never know the real me, told me so.....
I am hiding. I am hiding from my reality. I am getting older, biggest, lazier, and more insecure because I am listening to my negative and forgetting my positive. I want to be set up with someone because then I will know that he already likes me and he won't be able to say mean things on the first date. If I get set top with someone who is already interested then I will have a better chance of not being rejected....this is seriously how my mind works here......this is so not good....
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