1. I am the heaviest I have ever been. Like, even college. I saw the numbers on the scale and I cringed. I then got my period which explained some things. I feel fine though. I fit into my clothes. Bodies are weird. I am not going to stress too much about it and I'm going to continue to work on eating well and exercising. The binge eating is an addiction and it still has a hold on me.
2. Crush is coming to town next week to see my family and attend a first birthday party for one of my best friend's daughter's. So excited to see him. He asked to speak to my mom for a few moments alone and I know what it is about......I want an engagement ring very much like hers and asked that he allows my mom to help him. He agreed. I think that when my folks meet his folks in June, he plans to take my mom to a jewelry store to begin the process. I have this six sense with Crush and I'm rarely wrong, but I don't want to jinx it. There is a part of me screaming out for a baby though. I would much rather be a mom than a bride. I turn 32 this summer and I am holding my horses, cooling my jets, and slowing my roll, but my baby fever is just about 105 degrees.
I received some wonderful compliments that made me feel really good about myself over this past weekend.
3. One of Crush's mom's friends came up to tell me that I looked, "just like a screen siren from the 1950s dahlin'. You are just a stunnin' peach. I would eat you up if I could, you are so sweet. Crush got lucky with you and honey, play 'em cards right and you will be dripping in diamonds.." Who doesn't like a compliment like that!?!
4. Crush's grandmother asked me who caught the bouquet. There wasn't a bouquet toss, but she is old fashioned and left early, so she thought she missed it. She told me, "well, I'm tellin' everyone you caught the bouquet...because that is what I was hoping for." Awwwwwww........
5. Crush's father gave me the best compliment of my life pretty much and made me tear up.....at the wedding after his speech, he came over to our table to chat and we congratulated him on his wonderful words and sentiments. He told me that "I prayed for a girl just like you for a really long time for my son. Brains, beauty, and balls. He needs your good sense, strength, optimism, and humor. You make him a better person. Since he met you, this is the happiest and most relaxed I have ever seen him. Thank you for being you and I can't wait to celebrate you two soon at your own wedding." I almost dropped my champagne glass....it was like a dream. It was one of those moments that you never think about, but when it happens, the entire world stands still. The entire weekend was somewhat like this actually.
Considering that I once heard Awful's mom telling her friend that I would keep her son from joining the country club because I was Jewish and Jews weren't allowed in the club and she was happy my name didn't sound too Jewish and that I didn't look too Jewish....seriously, for real....In 2011. I heard her say that she couldn't understand why I would make her son convert and change him (WELL, BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE WOULD CONVERT FOR ME ON OUR FIRST DATE AFTER CHASING ME FOR MONTHS).....soooooooooooo, this is a huge improvement. Family acceptance makes EVERYTHING EASIER and I am deeply paranoid of family not liking me since Awful.
6. I am procrastinating like crazy. I am in September right now in the south and not in April in the midwest. Must complete many things today. I feel my anxiety and depression creeping in because I want to be there and not here so badly. I should be working and I am researching future job opportunities and places to live.
7. My sleep is awesome. Lights off, faced washed, teeth brushed. Just like the 31 year old I am. 8-11 hours a night straight through. Insane improvement. Almost too luxurious. I am sleeping like a newborn. Years of sleep deprivation will do this.
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
I Only Remember the Bad Things
When I was 3, I was first called fat at nursery school by a boy in my class, I remember what I was wearing that day (overalls and a pink shirt) and how I first become aware of my body.
When I was 4, I overhead my grandma telling my dad that she was concerned I would have a weight problem for the rest of my life and he should put me on a diet.
When I was 5, a girl in my kindergarten classed asked me why I was "so big" and I went home and cried.
When I was 7, my mom told me to stop eating pretzel rods because I was becoming a piggy and I went to my room and thought about how I eat too much.
When I was 10, the boys rated the girls in my grade on face, body, and personality. I got an 8 for face, a 2 for body, and a 10 for personality.
When I was 11, the boys one year older than me nicknamed me ogre. They chanted it to me (about 25 of them) at lunch time and screamed it in the halls. My dad went over to the 2 ringleaders homes' and confronted them after months of it when I stopped eating, sleeping, or wanting to go to school. I never spoke to most of those boys for years to follow, I was afraid of them. I still have nightmares about this. Being circled by a bunch of pre-pubescent boys and being chanted out because of my body was by far one of the most hurtful things that has ever happened. It never really went away all through junior high and high school, I was still referred to as ogre by some until the boys a year ahead of me went to college.
When I was 14, I overhead a boy I had a crush on telling his friend that he knew I liked him and he just couldn't get over how big I was. I was a size 8 and 5'8".
When I was 16, a boy I used to make out with told me to lose weight. I did. He then asked me out.
When I was 17, the boys in my grade dared the boy I liked to touch my butt because it was apparently so big and disgusting that it required a dare.
When I was 18, I dressed up for Halloween and got mistaken for a man. I still hate wearing wigs because of this.
When I was 20, I found out that a person I considered a friend had a secret nickname for me that involved a hippo. I joined WeightWatchers the next day.
When I was 25, I dated a man with serious mental issues who told me I was obese. I was 30 pounds thinner than I am now.
When I was 27, I ran into a guy from high school who seemed interested in me, until his friends asked me if I had a penis because apparently at almost 5'10" (really 5' 9" and a half), I am such a freak of nature that I seem like a man, even though I am actually quite feminine (I always feel bad when people make fun of Khloe Kardashian, my body is like hers and I would so be made fun of if I was famous!).
When I was 28, I dated Awful and he encouraged me to have plastic surgery on my stomach because I had rolls and stretch marks on my abdomen. I went ahead with it because I was scared if I didn't, he would break up with me.
When I was 31, I fell in love with some special...myself! I stripped myself down naked and stood in front of the mirror and realized that I have a lot to be happy about. My curves are beautiful, my height is statuesque, and my breasts are adorable. Then, I fell in love with an incredible man who loves every single inch of me and makes me feel so beautiful, always.
Don't feel bad for me. People often tell me wonderful things about me, the compliments far outweigh the insults. I just chose to never hear the positives and got stuck focusing on the negatives until recently and the only person at fault here is me because I let the opinions of others influence the way I lived my life and the choices I made.
Now, I process, acknowledge, and accept compliments and go deaf to the insults.
People who insult are simply looking for love.....the kind of love that only comes from loving yourself.
When I was 4, I overhead my grandma telling my dad that she was concerned I would have a weight problem for the rest of my life and he should put me on a diet.
When I was 5, a girl in my kindergarten classed asked me why I was "so big" and I went home and cried.
When I was 7, my mom told me to stop eating pretzel rods because I was becoming a piggy and I went to my room and thought about how I eat too much.
When I was 10, the boys rated the girls in my grade on face, body, and personality. I got an 8 for face, a 2 for body, and a 10 for personality.
When I was 11, the boys one year older than me nicknamed me ogre. They chanted it to me (about 25 of them) at lunch time and screamed it in the halls. My dad went over to the 2 ringleaders homes' and confronted them after months of it when I stopped eating, sleeping, or wanting to go to school. I never spoke to most of those boys for years to follow, I was afraid of them. I still have nightmares about this. Being circled by a bunch of pre-pubescent boys and being chanted out because of my body was by far one of the most hurtful things that has ever happened. It never really went away all through junior high and high school, I was still referred to as ogre by some until the boys a year ahead of me went to college.
When I was 14, I overhead a boy I had a crush on telling his friend that he knew I liked him and he just couldn't get over how big I was. I was a size 8 and 5'8".
When I was 16, a boy I used to make out with told me to lose weight. I did. He then asked me out.
When I was 17, the boys in my grade dared the boy I liked to touch my butt because it was apparently so big and disgusting that it required a dare.
When I was 18, I dressed up for Halloween and got mistaken for a man. I still hate wearing wigs because of this.
When I was 20, I found out that a person I considered a friend had a secret nickname for me that involved a hippo. I joined WeightWatchers the next day.
When I was 25, I dated a man with serious mental issues who told me I was obese. I was 30 pounds thinner than I am now.
When I was 27, I ran into a guy from high school who seemed interested in me, until his friends asked me if I had a penis because apparently at almost 5'10" (really 5' 9" and a half), I am such a freak of nature that I seem like a man, even though I am actually quite feminine (I always feel bad when people make fun of Khloe Kardashian, my body is like hers and I would so be made fun of if I was famous!).
When I was 28, I dated Awful and he encouraged me to have plastic surgery on my stomach because I had rolls and stretch marks on my abdomen. I went ahead with it because I was scared if I didn't, he would break up with me.
When I was 31, I fell in love with some special...myself! I stripped myself down naked and stood in front of the mirror and realized that I have a lot to be happy about. My curves are beautiful, my height is statuesque, and my breasts are adorable. Then, I fell in love with an incredible man who loves every single inch of me and makes me feel so beautiful, always.
Don't feel bad for me. People often tell me wonderful things about me, the compliments far outweigh the insults. I just chose to never hear the positives and got stuck focusing on the negatives until recently and the only person at fault here is me because I let the opinions of others influence the way I lived my life and the choices I made.
Now, I process, acknowledge, and accept compliments and go deaf to the insults.
People who insult are simply looking for love.....the kind of love that only comes from loving yourself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)