It Can All Change SO Fast

Yesterday as I was chatting with Crush about the kinds of engagement rings I like....yes, we are having these conversations and much of it is because I want a replica of my mom's ring.  I feel like her ring is always the ring I looked at when I was little and thought "how beautiful, this is how a ring should look."  My mom let me wear it when I would play princess dress up and she inherited it from her favorite aunt who could not have children (her diamonds were her "babies"), so the ring is significant.  My mom offered me hers (BECAUSE SHE IS THE BEST), but Crush wants my mom to keep hers because he knows it is special to her and get me my own very much like my mom's.

I am over the moon because I know that having a ring just like my mom's will make me feel very close to her, always.  One day in a million years, when she cannot be here, I can look at my hand and know that she is with me.   I love symbolic things and the truth is that my mom's ring is so super classic, it is hard to find and not at all "in" right now (only one major jewelry house has it and not on a band I like and both Crush and I are too practical to seek jewelry from a name brand fancy place), so he will most likely have to design it and he is excited about it and also needs to borrow my mom's ring, so I think this will all be happening soon when our parents meet down south in a few weeks.

As we chatted yesterday about my engagement ring to be, I burst out in tears.  I couldn't help it.  I never thought that I would ever be having this conversation.  That someone would want to buy me the ring I want and love.  I have never been treated so kindly by anyone I have ever dated.  It is still a bit surreal to me and I have to pinch myself sometimes.  I would be happy with nothing.  I really would.  I have conditioned myself through my past relationships to be disappointed and go on smiling and think "I am not like other girls, so the things that other girls get, are simply not mine to have."  I really operate on other people's happiness.  Getting to be a bit more selfish lately and only doing what I want, it has been a total change for me and not the easiest thing.

Between us, I could just wear a simple band and call it a day and it would be fine.  Crush is my best thing, jewelry is just a symbol of love and I have actual love.

As I was sobbing about it, Crush told me that he wants me to proud and excited every time I look at my hand, so he will get me what I truly really want and he is happy and really looking forward to doing so, because he waited so long for me.  He said, "Now that you are here in my life, my dream girl come to life, these things like rings, I want you to have what you always dreamed of.  I know you are the kind of girl that doesn't need everything and you are fine being practical (true....I drive an old reliable car I love, I shop at TJ Maxx on the regular, I love sales, I am not into trends and when I spend on clothes, shoes, and purses, I only choose classics that will last forever) and a ring for you is something I have been thinking about realistically for a long time and I am prepared to purchase, so just relax and tell me what you love, because I know you have specific taste and hate surprises".......ALL TRUE!  He knows me well!!!

I got off the phone with him and had to lay down.  I had to tell myself that this is really happening, that this is not a dream.  I found my love and I deserve this.  I am a good person.  I always wanted something that seemed so out of reach, but now I am getting it because I believed.

This time last year, I hadn't met Crush yet, I was going on terrible dates, I was living at home (still am!), I was feeling lonely, sad, and without a true plan.  Some days I couldn't get out of bed.  BUT, I did still have hope.  There was a force pulling me through.  When I felt like I had to give up, I had a small support system urging me on and making me try.  And I did.  I tried.  And fate led me miles and miles and miles away to Crush.  And now I will leave and I don't think I will be back that often.  I plan to start over in many ways.  To be the best person I am and never could be here.

Now, I have never felt more confident about anything in my entire life.  Our life plan is being put into motion.  We have our families support behind us and I am super grateful about it all.

So much can happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year.

You just never really know what will happen...

It is one of the most frustrating and most hopeful things about life.

The List

A year ago, I was told to make a list of the qualities I was looking for in my husband.

It was first an exercise to see if Awful, the man I was begging to marry me, was really the kind of person I wanted.  He wasn't.  

But, the list didn't tell me this because I only found the courage to write it about 3 months ago.

I was told to write the list by my mother, by one of my very best friends, by my sister, by the clairvoyant who completely changed my life that the best friend listed above just had a feeling I HAD to meet (more on that some other time).  

I was told to put down EXACTLY what I was looking for.  To let it all hang out, to not censor myself, to not worry about how it all "looked" on paper.  As I have explained before, I care DEEPLY about what other people think, so of course this was hard for me. 

And I started my list about 20 times and then I would cry (obviously) and become very sad and eat and then fall asleep in my crumb pile and I couldn't finish the list completely.

I didn't want to write the list because the list felt so superficial, so final, so choreographed.  I have a short attention span.  I sometimes feel claustrophobic and cooped up committing 2 hours to watch a movie....

But, then I went to my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people in the world.  I spalled out on the beach and I made my list and it made me feel so free.  Really giddy and light headed and almost drunk.  I then copied the list and sent it to a very special person in heaven and I have a feeling he received it (more on that some other time....I PROMISE).

The LIST:

1.  Soulmate love/same religion as me (Jewish)

2.  Taller than me (I asked for 6' and over)

3.  Brown or black hair

4.  Any color eyes (I think ALL eyes are beautiful in their own way)

5.  Big hands 

6.  Broad shoulders 

7.  Masters degree or higher

8. Straight teeth

9.  Kind

10.  Sensitive

11.  Stable job, earns a good living

12.  Does not drink or do drugs regularly (special occasions are fine and welcome, let's celebrate!)

13.  Good listener

14.  Respects downtime

15.  Respects privacy

16.  Doesn't embarrass me

17.  Likes to explore: take long walks, bike ride, wander cities and countrysides

18.  Doesn't smother me

19.  Can be quiet

20.  Will join me to see the world

21.  Will think I am beautiful

22.  Will not give me a body complex

23.  Faithful

24.  Good morals and values

25.  Appreciates music

26.  Has an active lifestyle, works outs

27.  Ready to get married

28.  Ready to have children

29.  Loves me, not just the idea of me

30.  Doesn't need to be popular or cool

31.  Will be my best friend

32.  Will complete me

33.  Will push me, will challenge me

34.  Will open me to new experiences

35.  Will admit fault

And, and....Crush seems to have so many of these qualities and I am getting so optimistic....for example: he is way more into my own religion than I am, but I asked for faithful (#23), he doesn't seem to have tons of friends, but I asked for someone who doesn't need to be popular or cool (#30), and he plays several instruments (#25)....he also works out daily (#26), wants to have kids pretty soon (#28), has a masters (#7), is soft-spoken (#19), and loves to travel (#20). He's tall too (#2), but I could have really let that one go if I needed to.  

Maybe sometimes, sometimes, you really do get what you wish for.

And even if this isn't anything and NOTHING happens, I am just so happy that what I want is actually OUT there.  These kind of guys do exist.....it's just being patient enough to find them. If not this one, then the next one, or the one after him, but he IS coming, I know it. 

I Have a Crush

I totally have a crush on someone.....I keep trying to be the old me and make up reasons why he isn't a good or nice or kind or modest person and he is proving himself to be ALL of these things.

I do this REALLY bad thing where I make up excuses for people.  Well, more like assumptions.

I assume someone is this way or that and then I talk myself out of dating nice men and end up with Awfuls.  I am not claiming I have met my next boyfriend here, but I will say that this crush already seems to be much more honest and upfront about his reality than anyone I have shared my phone number with yet......and I am excited!

I am not excited because I have someone new to talk to, even though it is indeed nice.  I am excited though because I have perhaps opened myself up to the reality of dating a real live person with a good heart because I know in my heart that I truly deserve nothing less.  I don't need 6' feet, dark hair (bald is fine at this point), a six pack, or blue eyes (all of this would be excellent, but it is not necessary), I only need someone who will make me feel appreciated, love me honestly, not try to hurt me intentionally, and not lead me to believe that what I what is EXACTLY what he wants, if it isn't.

We will see, but if I can break this spell, this terrible spell of dating absolute Awfuls and I just realized in therapy the other day, addicts, I may be able to perhaps make it past 3 dates with someone.....and that would be nice because even though I am a crabby mess some of the time, I am less of a crabby mess when I get to have sex more than once a year.