Thursday, February 28, 2013

Out to Lunch

I was just between appointments and stopped for lunch.  I was in an area that has a lot of restaurants and I saw a sushi joint that looked yummy and I popped in.  Typically, I opt for solo lunches at Panera- type places as many people are alone working and I feel better being alone in a place where other people are alone.  But, this place was actually a bit swanky with a really great lunch special and since my skin is looking too good to eat wheat....I thought, why not treat myself for a quick nice sushi lunch?

After I got seated by the hostess, I looked around and realized that I was the only solo patron.  This would be a good little challenge for me.  I also didn't want to eat at the bar or stuff my head into a book or my laptop (especially because since after my unfortunate laptop spill.....if I am eating or drinking without a lid, laptop needs to stay hidden).  So, I actually just sat in the restaurant and waited for my food and looked around and daydreamed and imagined what I would be doing in one year and I smiled.

I may have been knocked down a bit these last few months by clients, but I haven't stood my ground either.

I need to set better parameters, I need to accept realistic challenges, but not impossible ones, I need to take some time out EVERY day for me.

My life is good.  I have a great family, fantastic friends, and the ability to eat $15.00 sushi for lunch in peace.

Then I thought to myself.....why only day dream about next year?  Why not day dream about tomorrow or next month or the summer?  I am going to stop living for tomorrow and really focus in on today.

One year ago,  I would have never had the confidence to take myself to lunch at a nice restaurant.

And today, well, it wasn't a big deal at all.

This Town Will Never be Big Enough for the Two of Us

I have been having a reoccurring dream these days.  A nightmare, really.

It is about my wedding.

It is one of those dreams that you know is a dream, but you cannot wake up.


I am all dressed up as a bride wearing exactly the kind of dress I want.  My hair is perfect, I am at a lovely weight, my lipstick is that perfect shade of pink I am always buying at Sephora that looks terrible on me in real life, but absolutely perfect on me in this dream.

Everyone is there.  My family, my best friends, Crush, his family....

The ceremony begins and I walk down the aisle and AWFUL is standing there as my groom in all of his toadstool glory.  I panic.  I start hyperventilating.  I try to turn around and run, but he holds me tightly by the arm, and tells me not to embarrass him through his closed brown baby teeth (he had teeny tiny teeth).  He tells me that everyone thinks I am crazy.  He tells me that everyone hates me.  He tells me that I am nothing without him.  He tells me that I am fat.  He tells me all of the things that he said to upset me when we were together in real life.

I cannot wake up.  I try, I scream "WAKE UP!" in my dream.   And I marry him hysterically crying while he holds my arm so tightly that it cramps in real life (like when I wake up, my left arm is half asleep).  Mascara running down my cheeks while everyone just disappears, but Crush.  Crush is pounding on the windows outside, trying desperately to get in, all dressed up in a tux and tails.  The other weird detail....When we start our vows, we are no longer at a hotel, but in a church......but I am Jewish.  Awful was the one who promised to convert and didn't want to, but wasn't man enough to come clean and strung me along.  Yet in the dream, I am marrying him in the most gorgeous church.

I wake up crying every time.  Three times I have had this dream.  The last time being 2 nights ago, in bed with Crush. I woke up sobbing and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and woke Crush up in the process.  I told him all about the dream and he simply said....."I believe Awful knows we are in love, even if he doesn't have it confirmed, he can feel it and you can feel it and your mind is processing how serious we are.  I would break down the church window to marry you and punch Awful in the face, so if you have this dream again, maybe the ending will be different now that I said that."  He is smart, my Crush.

As soon as I dumped Awful, I ran home, to live with my parents.  It wasn't only because of needing comfort or financial support, it was because I needed some distance between Awful and his manipulations.  I knew he was badmouthing me, trying to steal my friends.....going out and getting drunk and sharing embarrassing and personal stories about me.  People hate me because of him.  They cross streets when they see me, they ignore me in coffee shops, they don't return my emails....Yet, these people were only acquaintances and even if it stings for one moment, they can have Awful.  I would spend my life friendless if I had the choice between having to be friends with Awful to have other friends or to spend my life completely alone.  That is how much I dislike him.  But, yet, I see why people are drawn to him as a friend.  Because he is so insecure and such an approval seeker, he is a great person to use.  He will pay for everything and go so overboard.  Hell, he seduced me initially this way, too.

I know he is speaking unkindly about me because he did this about his ex-wife.  Made her into a monster.  Called her "the bitch ex-wife." Poor girl also ran home to her parents years ago after divorcing Awful and from what I heard, she is still there, home, cocooned, maybe she didn't want to ever see him again either.  She also dumped him.  I would love to know her take on their marriage, but of course, it is none of my business.

This city isn't big enough for the two of us, Awful and me.  I know I am leaving and yet I still have anxiety about seeing him.  Why?  Hmmmmm, this is a bit complicated.  It is not because of who he is, BUT, because of who I was when I was with him.  When I dream about him, it makes me sick because I know that his hateful comments soaked into my subconscious.  He penetrated all of me with his toxicity.

I was planning to move to Boston before meeting Awful and somewhere south after I dumped him and way before I met Crush. The south has always intrigued me, mostly because you can't do hospitality better than the south does. So, my tie to this city was never that deep, but moving away has many positives, one major one being that Awful still lives here and I don't imagine he will go away anytime soon, especially since he has a pretty easy job that I helped get for him through my connections and own job at the time.

Awful told me that I would never find the man I wanted and I DID.  I remember him telling me that what I wanted didn't exist.  He said specifically, "you will never find a smart, nice, Jewish man who will treat you the way you want.  It doesn't exist.  But, if it did, you wouldn't be the one he would chose.  Trust me, I am a guy and I know that for a fact."  Joke is on you, Awful.

Yet, I don't feel the need to sock it to him.  I don't feel like I will rejoin Facebook the minute I get engaged.  To post wedding photos, to show him how in love I am, how handsome Crush is, how Crush is exactly the kind of man he wished he could be.  I know that deep inside seeing me with the kind of guy he told me would never want me would hurt him.  At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone.

I don't need to prove that I won.

Because I already did.

And I think inside, he knows it, too.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Playing House

Crush drove almost 800 miles to meet Little Baby, Big Baby, Sissy, Better-Bro-In-Law (who was bad before and is so much better now), and my folks who were also visiting.  He also met my aunt and uncle who just happened to be in town, and then some of sissy’s new friends, who are all lovely.

It was the BEST 4 days ever.

I shared with you a few weeks ago that I got a little mean and craycray with Crush because of stupid silly things.  I took a lot of my work stress out on him, I made mean accusations, and I hurt his feelings.  The only silver lining….I saw my nasty behavior and accepted responsibility for it almost immediately and Crush accepted my apologies and we talked out our little issues and agreed that we BOTH (yes, even the most perfect me…….) have things to work on independently and as a couple and we are actually doing that and it feels super good.

One of my greatest joys has been having the opportunity to bond with Big Baby and be there when Little Baby was born.  It puts life and all of it’s madness and sadness and unpredictability into perspective.  Babies are simply miracles.  Life is truly magical. 

Crush doesn’t have much experience with little ones.  But, he loves kids.  Big Baby felt his kindness and sincerity almost immediately (children are like dogs, they sense safety and love) and Crush played beautifully for hours with the two of us.  He sang songs, went down slides, pushed swings, read bedtime stories, and fed snacks.  His only downfall……his baby voice sounds terrifyingly just like Adam Sandler’s when he was Opera Man on SNL…..but, that is a flaw I can see past.

Crush and I were able to take Big Baby out of the house for hours at a time to relieve Sissy and let her get some sleep between nursing Little Baby.  Sissy may not be a great athlete, but she can sure push out a baby (less than 15 minutes for both babies once she got to pushing) and nurse…..we all have our talents. 

On our excursions with Big Baby, we had a blast.  We ate lunch together at restaurants, we changed diapers, we played at a kids activity center for hours, we got ice cream, we colored, we danced…..Crush and I looked at each other and we said “we could do this, we make a good team.”  And it is so true.

Crush will make the best dad, he passed this test with flying colors. His tenderness and heart melt me. 

My favorite moment of the entire week trip came yesterday after playing on a slide for 1 hour straight with Big Baby and then having some milk and animal crackers (they did, not me).  Big Baby looked at us and said in the sweetest baby voice, “Auwntie and Uncle Crush are nice.  Big Baby have fun.  Love you.”  Big Baby then kissed us both on the lips and let out a big sigh.  I felt that feeling my Sissy and my best friends must feel with their own babies, that feeling of being so filled with love that you could just explode from it.  I got a few tears in my eyes.  We both replied, “we love you, too” and then the three of us walked hand in hand to the car.

These are the kind of moments you don't forget.  The ones Uncle Crush and I will hopefully tell Big Baby in a few years when she is old enough to come see us down south for a visit alone.  We will tell her what she was like when she was a baby.  How silly and cute she was. She will love staying with her fun aunt and uncle for a few weeks over the summer alone, being independent, but also babied....a vacation from being a big sister, she can be the single star.   We will take her swimming in the ocean, dancing at the boardwalk, we will eat waffle cones full of frozen custard while we take afternoon strolls, play mini golf after a fried chicken supper, and then catch fireflies before bed.  I can't wait. 


I was fired from a job.  Well, we fired each other in all honesty.  Some of you did guess correctly on my occupation.  GOOD JOB!  For real, come September, I do look forward to letting you all in a bit more and sharing some specific details….it is juicy and I know you will you a kick out of it!

So, lately, my heart isn’t in my line of work at all.  I wanted to be what I am because I desired to help people, to create memories, to be an expert, to educate, to guide, to emotionally connect, to change someone’s life for the better.  I feel like my industry and the expectations in my city arent’t allowing for this…..I am exhausted by dealing with stupids and emotional imbalance on the daily….oy.

People are crazy.  Hell, I am crazy.  But, I own it.  I also don’t disrespect, curse out, or feel entitled to so much for so little……I don’t hire a professional to undercut fees, to contest things that only nature and god can control, to show form lists from the Internet that have no bearing on a major and VERY expensive market. 

I have a feeling that when I move, I could be successful at my current job.  The market is better.  Less saturated.  Gentler.  A little slower paced.  My Crush works for himself and owns his own business and I see his business interactions and accepted practices.  He gets a 24-hour grace period on emails (I get about 2-4 hours these days before a text come through with the question…"did you get my email?”), clients do not text him, he never picks up the phone being called a “bitch, liar, or cunt….” (this hurts me most as I feel like I have worked so hard to be NONE of these things anymore)……

BUT, I am not perfect.  Never was and never will be.  I want people to like me.  I actually NEED people to LOVE me.  So, I over promise and under deliver and run around in a circle like a little lost puppy wanting to be cherished and doted on and important.  One morning last December when I was cuddling with Crush and the phone/email was going crazy at 7:30 am even though my out of office was on I thought to myself….WTF????????!!!!!!!!!

I had lived 31 years to that point for EVERYONE else and now I wanted a teeny bit of time for me.  I deserve it.  I need it.  I want love and affection and a little privacy, too.  I will not compromise on it.....

And people got pissed, including the client who fired me and their friend who I also helped rather unsuccessfully because she blamed me for such things as not being able to get the fish she wanted in the middle of Hurricane Sandy and that the city we live in was fixing potholes and scaffolding on the street outside of where she wanted to take a photo.  And they called me horrible things and the trust was broken and my heart hurt and I couldn’t eat for days until I binged for a week nonstop after I got my appetite back and I listened to my conscious and I said……..”life can be better than this, you deserve it.”  Just like how I knew I deserved better than Awful.  I always operated on the notion that clients were always right NO MATTER WHAT and the reality is that they aren’t some of the time and mutual respect is a 2 way street.

I learned my lessons.  I now do almost daily check-ins.  Expectation meetings.  It all goes into writing.  I made a list of what I can control and what I cannot and it needs to be initialed.  I wanted to celebrate love, life, and commitment and not have to scream all day to prove points…..I just don’t have it in me.   Sometimes my BEST communication isn’t enough.  Once in a while, a person will not like you no matter how many hoops you just through.

I am thinking of becoming a teacher.  The state I am moving to is desperate for them and does not require a masters degree (which I do not have).  I will have to take tests and some courses and classes, but I will not require an entire new degree.  I have always loved and connected with children and have many teachers (grandmother, Sissy, mom, aunts, cousins, etc.) in my family, it may just be in my blood. 

I sobbed to Crush the other night after I was fired from my client because for a moment I felt nothing, but cold hard failure, even though I was so relieved to be rid of them.  While I ugly cried and snotted on Crush’s chest, he said, “if you want to continue what you are doing, do it, but you can do anything, I believe in you and support you, always.” We then sat down and made a list of why I want to be a teacher and it was for all the reasons I thought I wanted to be what I am… make the world a better, sweeter, happy place….seriously, I am a total mush ball.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to emotionally connect.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to influence.  I wanted to transform negatives into positives.  

So, here I am at another crossroad.  I found love and now I think it is time to find work satisfaction.  I never really loved my jobs over the years as interesting as they have been as it always felt superficial, silly, and baseless at times and as I have grown and developed, I feel like a chef that hates food, or a fashion designer that hates fabric, or a poet that hates words. How can I create and inspire if I can’t connect with my trade like I used to? I AM IN A TOTAL FUNK.

The verdict is still out and I know that no matter what happens, I will always do some of my current job, just not full time.  Perhaps 3 – 4 selective great projects a year, but no more than that.  Because I will miss it.  Because it is part of me.  Because even though I have taken some hard knocks and tough blows, the rush I get from my good clients, there is nothing quite like it.  There is the ability to connect for life and that connection is what I crave.

I have also learned the kind of client I want to work with and who I can best help.  It is a personality thing sometimes, it always it.

I wanted this to work.  I succeeded.  I did.  I learned lessons, I managed profit margins, I have some major fans and some major enemies.  I do think if I stuck with it, I could succeed, but at what cost?  I need to turn the work off some hours each day, to enjoy my evenings more than once or twice a month, to feel at peace sometimes especially when I rest my head on my pillow at night…to not get a knot in my tummy every time the phone rings. 

I am not as young as I wish I was sometimes….because I feel like doors have slammed shut already on some of my dreams. 

Job satisfaction is one I am willing to fight for though. 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Be Back Tomorrow and BEST FORTUNE EVER!

I will be back tomorrow with updates and some big life has been an incredible week.

I will post in detail here soon, but here are some things I just had to share....

Sissy and babies love Crush.....we had the BEST time.  It all felt SO natural.  The kind of feeling I have always wanted from a romantic is the best peace.  I don't take it for granted.  Also, bro-in-law and I have found beautiful new ground and really bonded.  He loved Crush as well and told me that I deserved a guy as good as him and it brought tears to my eyes.  I am blessed.

Over the moon that I am seeing 2 of my besties for a long weekend in Crushie's hometown in less than a month....eeeeekkkkkkk........just cannot wait to connect them to my has been the missing piece in this real life fairy tale.  The friends factor isn't at all about approval with Crush (it always was before him because I never lived for me until this past year), it is just about sharing this huge important part of my life organically and openly with some people I don't see enough, but cannot imagine life without.....they also both have awesome hubbies and it will be incredible to bring my man into the mix.

Oy, so many business lessons to share here soon.....I have learned my final big ones lately and I feel again at peace....ready to kick it into to high gear and contemplating a MAJOR career change.  I am different than many, but I do have some really special qualities and being a real hard-ass isn't one of them......still thinking, but will share soon.

At supper tonight, we had Chinese and I am still not eating wheat (skin is looking so awesome lately) so Crush ate my cookie (not that one, perverts...), but my fortune read:


It was exactly the business advice I needed to know that I did the right life is really kismet at this moment in time and it is incredible that I am finally at this place......quiet in my mind.

Sweet dreams!

XOXO (watched some GG reruns this week),

R & F

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Wheat Free Wednesday (2)

I am very busy catching up on work, playing, and eating ice cream......awesome!

I got on the scale on Monday and was down 2, but this morning, it was 1, so no cheating here.....another official pound gone....hopefully next week, I will keep the downward trend going.  Slow and steady wins the race!  To sum up - 

Week 1: -3
Week 2: -2

Week 3: - 1

TOTAL: - 6 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

A Costly Mistake and a New Life to Make It All Better!

Little Baby joined us yesterday!  Healthy, happy, and very flushed!  Sissy was born for childbirth.  First time with Big Baby, she pushed for less than 15 minutes and the big joke in my family was that she has a HUGE vagina...this time she pushed for ten minutes.....the doctor said that she has a birth canal designed for childbirth....much more complimentary than having a gigantic cookie.

We are super excited and I must admit, I saved the day as Big Baby was so super excited to see Auntie that I was able to get Big to bed in Sissy's absence and in a miraculous turn of events, we both slept all night, spooning.  Everyone was a bit shocked as Big Baby is VERY mommy (Sissy) attached, but Sissy and I do look quite alike and Big Baby was smelling me all night, so we must have a similar scent, too.

So, on Sunday night after my last blog post, I made a VERY costly mistake.  It involved liquid, my former laptop (only 1 year old!) and a huge spill.  The former laptop had already survived 1 major spill, so this was the straw that broke the camel's back....BROKEN!  I was able to retrieve all of my information off of the old one and sucked it up and reinvested was a costly mistake and it really got me thinking....

Back in June, someone spilled on my laptop and I was lucky, but it didn't work for 3 days.  Then, mere months later, it was spilled on again.  WHY DIDN'T I LEARN MY LESSON?

Now, I had to spend a huge unexpected sum of money to fix my problem which should have never happened in the first place!  Drinks and laptops DO NOT MIX.....I will NEVER make this mistake again....FOR REAL!  REALLY!

But, this little mishap is a true reflection of my life.....I make the same mistakes over and over again and then I am shocked that the results are always the same.....WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

As I drained most of my savings to fix this bummer, I thought to myself, R & F, this just needs to stop. I need to slow my roll, focus, take responsibility, and grow up.  Mistakes can be avoided and life can be easier than this.  I must take the extra few seconds to use my better judgement.  The buck stops here......I can't keep doing the same stupid things.  I no longer have the patience or the money.....OY!

Tomorrow, Sissy and Little Baby come home, so I will be busy taking Big Baby to music class and some other activities.  Playing mommy is fun, but being a mommy seems tough.  All the mommies out there.....I give you MAJOR props!!!!!  YOU ALL ROCK!  I am getting closer to being able to be a mommy in mind, but I am enjoying the rest I can still have for the next few years.

I will be back soon with some updates and I will be weighing in tomorrow, I looked today and I am down another 2 pounds, VERY excited!

Hope all is well out there in cyberspace and get those liquids far and away from your computers!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

I'll Be Back Soon!

Hi All!

Exciting news! Sissy is just about to have her baby!  I am hopping on a plane bright and early tomorrow, they expect the brand-new little one sometime tomorrow afternoon.  I hope I make this one's arrival as I just missed her first baby joining us by mere hours....crazy ex-coworker drama....

I am heading east to help Sis with her existing baby, now almost known as, Big Baby, who is just about 2 and a half and an utter delight and handful all at the same time.  Big Baby is twins with the pig in the book 'If You Give a Pig a Pancake'.....very very busy.

I may be a bit MIA here, but I will be back with a full report on everything and anything in a few days and oh yes, Crush is heading up to meet Sissy and the gang in honor of Little Baby's arrival.   Sissy is just over the moon with excitement at the opportunity.  She told me today, "I am so excited to have this baby, so I can meet your boyfriend....hahahahaha!"

I am pumped for all of them to meet and to see Crush in action with both Big Baby and Little Baby.  He admitted that he has never held a newborn or ever changed a diaper, so I plan to put him to work and teach him how to deal with doodie diapers....especially Big Baby's as they are quite impressive in nature, generally.  I want to see how he handles a total blowout.

Also, my mom taught Big Baby how to say his name, so we plan to surprise him with the new trick, I think he will get a kick out of it!  Of course, Big Baby never does anything on demand, so it may not happen....very stubborn baby, just like I was once many many many years ago (and still today!)...

I will return soon and I hope everyone is wrapping up a wonderful weekend!



Friday, February 15, 2013

Fix Me

In light of my week this week, I made a little list of personal things I must work on.  Transitions have always been hard for me.  I need a bit of chaos in my life for some reason, it is how I get things done.  It is truly silly and it is affecting both my mental health and my relationship now that I have such an even keel and sane significant other.  Here we go:

1.  DO NOT PICK FIGHTS WITH CRUSH.  This will be tough for me, but anything big, dramatic, emotional or petty needs to be slept on before it is discussed over the phone.  I sometimes talk JUST to hear my own voice.  True true.

2.  Do what I say I am going to do.  I have been struggling with this.  I over promise and under deliver. I like a little conflict.  WHY?  There is no reason.  I really need to work on this.

3.  I need to continue to avoid wheat and not slip on this.  The psoriasis is about 75 percent improved.  This is huge for me.  I haven't had my skin this under control in over 5 years.  It is such a feeling of hope, I need to stick with it and remember how this feels.  The psoriasis depresses me.  I cannot control it, so I feel super out of control about it.

4. I need to get out of bed everyday, dressed everyday, and go do something out of the house everyday, even if it is just the gym.  For the last few weeks, I have found myself in a state of holding.  I am going through the motions, but not living.  I work from home, so I can do this....and it isn't good.  One day I will NEED to have an office, I cannot handle not reporting in somewhere.  Every few months this happens to me.  I know it is my depression and anxiety rearing it's head again, but lately the lows have been lower.  I am thinking that my new birth control may be altering my moods.  I feel a bit out of control emotionally and the real lows began when I went back on birth control in October.

5.  I need to be a better friend, sister, and aunt.  I worry so much about my business and tying up loose ends and being available to Crush, that I have slipped a bit.  Also, Crush and I both work for ourselves and talk and email too much throughout the day.  I sometimes feel ambushed by his correspondence.  I asked him nicely earlier this week if we could limit the 9am - 6pm chat, so I can focus on my clients, appointments, and errands for work and he understood and agreed.  Just that alone has helped me feel a bit less stressed, so I am glad I addressed it.  Love him dearly I do, but I can't chat and work at the same time, I make mistakes and then can't give anything I am doing my full attention.

THANK YOU for your wonderful advice btw, I am feeling a lot more grounded since I shared.

Happy Friday to all, going to hit the candy sales soon!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Good Old Boy

I am dating a good ol' boy.  There is no way around this.  He is the text book definition according to Wiki.....

"The term can be used for well socialized white men who live in rural and generally Southern areas. If a man is humble and well thought of, he can be referred to as a "good old boy", regardless of his age. It is commonly applied to men with a family or generational wealth or prestige, or overall moral behavior."

I always wanted a man like this.  Some of my friends have married them and they make the BEST husbands and fathers.  I know this is the man for me....

BUT, well, but, lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that a LONG chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning.  I am okay with this.  Happy, excited, motivated.  I am just afraid.  I don't want to sit here and paint a picture that doesn't exist.  I have been a bit depressed lately.  Everything that I ever wanted is happening and I am walking around like a zombie.  It is like, "now what?"  So much of my identity was tied to being single, or being in a dysfunctional relationship.  I lived for my mistakes.  My OMGs, my WHY ME'S, my tears over wine and cheese, my hateful relationship with my own body and my own vagina.  Now that I don't have all of these defaults, now I can't really function well.  These were my distractions, my walls.  Without them, I don't feel as free as I wanted to.  I feel vulnerable.  Naked.  Alone.  

I picked a big fight with Crush the other day.  I mentioned it briefly in a blog entry.  What I didn't mention is that the words "well maybe we shouldn't be together anymore" fell out of my mouth.  I have no idea why.  Those are real words, fighting words.  The venom spewed out of me.

 We had been fighting a lot.  Much of it has to do with family things that are none of my business.  As the good ol' boy he is, he stays out and stays respectful and I should, too.  I appreciate all of your wonderful comments btw, I love advice and take it seriously and to heart. 

Sometimes I feel like a grownup compared to Crush...which is silly.  He is so pure.  He has never puked from drinking too much (he drinks though, just NOT like I used to), he has never done drugs, he has never had a one night stand that ended in sex.  He has never picked a fight with a stranger in Walgreen's, been flashed on a public bus, or had someone pee on their coat on the train (ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME).  Our lives and life experiences are different and that is good.  I dated the guy with a major drug problem (Socio), I dated the guy with a real love for booze (Awful)....I dated many others that had substance abuse issues as well and it never worked.  Why should I even question why Crush is a better fit for me....duh. We are simply different.  But, the differences are balancing out, like a seesaw, we are simply finding our rhythm. 

He can play several instruments well.  I can't.  He sits on the boards of several charities and organizations.  I don't.  He knows how to speak another language.  Not me.  He recites poetry, movie quotes, and passages from books.  He wins here, too.

I know what is happening.  I fear success.  I do.  I have not felt like I really deserved love until lately and then I met Crush.  Now, real things are happening.  Major things....friends meetings (so excited for this!), parents meeting, we are attending each other's significant family events (I will be his date to a wedding and he is coming to meet my Sissy's new baby who is due to hatch any day now)....this isn't just a man, this is my future.  I still deserve this.  I don't know why I am so scared.

I can't let the comfort of being a victim take over here.  I used to love lies, WHYS, and excuses.  I am not that person anymore, but the last threads are still unraveling here.  I can still feel my default issues inside of me even if they aren't my go-to coping mechanisms.

I am going back to therapy.  

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Valentine's Day GO AWAY

I am a hopeless romantic.

I love dancing under the stars (and With the Stars, too!), making love on the beach, and 1 milkshake, 2 straws.

I love day dreaming about my engagement ring, wedding dress, and honeymoon from time to time....(IT IS TRUE, I DON'T LIE HERE)....

I love holding hands over a candlelight meal, snuggling in front of the fire, and reading stories aloud to my Crush.


I have a Valentine this year and I didn't even send him a card....OMG, I know, I know, I put it in the mail today....

The thing is this, minus my little breakdowns and freak outs, Crush really makes me feel the way NONE of my other boyfriends ever did: safe, secure, protected, and important.

In the past, I have only had a Valentine on 3 V-Days.  1 was spent with Socio and 2 were spent with Awful...

Socio got me cheap chocolate and a card that he didn't sign (probably because he got his other girl the same thing and didn't want to risk a switch...) and we ate pizza and drank vodka in front of his television.  How romantic.

Awful bought me expensive gifts that were never anything I wanted or liked on our Vdays together.  He also bought me a kind of flower I HATED, but I never corrected him because I felt bad....... One day, I found his wedding video while I was snooping.  I watched it and noticed that his wedding was full of the flowers he always bought me. Ah yes, his ex-wife LOVED these flowers, so he assumed I would, too....I don't, but it is the thought that counts, right?!

The point I am trying to make is this.....having a Valentine isn't all it is cracked up to be if he isn't your real deal.  I always looked forward to V-Day with my exes because I wanted something from them that they couldn't give me.  I needed Valentine's Day to prove that the man I was with loved me, adored me, and found me sexy.  I felt February 14th was the barometer of the relationship.....the holy grail, the test.

It wasn't.  It never will be.

Valentine's Day is just another day.  The only real benefit is the cheap candy on the 15th!

This year, I am not seeing Crush for the Big V.  He is going out of town for a special trip with some gents and I am hanging out with the family.  Did he send me a card and gift?  Yes.  Do I expect flowers tomorrow?  I do.  BUT.........for real, NONE of it matters, because he treats me well all 365 days out of the year, not just when Hallmark tells him he should.

I actually told him to save it, the V-Day gestures.  As a proper gent, I know he couldn't ignore the holiday, his momma wouldn't allow him to.  I don't need to be showered with roses and chocolate this year because these are things and not feelings.  Feelings make me feel, not things.  One exception, an engagement ring....yes, I will admit that, too...oy.  My left hand has been yearning for some shimmer since I was 4 and would put my mom's ring on while she was in the shower.....

If anyone is sad about Vday and is reading this, let me tell you about MY FAVORITE VALENTINE'S DAY EVER......

It was when I was living alone before I started dating Awful and way after Socio.   I was working out, looking good, and feeling great.  I went and bought myself VERY beautiful lingerie, ordered in my favorite pizza, chilled a bottle of wine I love, froze my beloved Dots, and had a Real Housewives of Somewhere marathon with myself....while I wore a teddy, high heels, a pearl necklace (like a real one.... if anyone reading is a pervert), and fully done hair and makeup.  After I drank the bottle of wine, I put on my favorite CD and danced in front of the mirror in my sexy get up and I admired my arms and legs and lips and tush and hair and collarbone....ALL OF ME.

As cheesy as it sounds (because I never said I wasn't cheesy), I knew in the back of my mind, there could be a Valentine some year, some time, and I would have to buy an obligatory card and tie to acknowledge the day.... BUT this particular year, I was having the BEST V-Day just loving myself.

Anyone feeling blue, ask yourself to be your some new red lipstick (Nars Heatwave), but on your best silk and heels, and spend the night in being fierce with the best heart you know, YOUR OWN.


Wheat Free Wednesday (1)

This week was a good week.  My one real indulgence was some pizza which made me an itchy bitchy mess.  Still.....there will be more pizza in my future, sometimes, I know it.  Pizza doesn't last long around me, I turn into a monster.

I honestly just feel better and more satisfied without the wheat.  I am still eating some dairy, rice, corn, and potatoes.  None of that seems to be giving me a reaction, so I think in limited quantities, it is all okay....especially because I need ice cream and chips and queso sometimes and those things do not leave me a red spotted mess....THANK GOODNESS.

I REALLY want to get my skin under control, so if I do feel itchy after meals, I have started to write down what I ate to try to find some commonality.  Verdict is still out on tomatoes, but I do think they may be irritating me, too.

I am down another 2 pounds, so since I started my wheat free (with NON gluten free pizza twice) life, 5 pounds total.  RECAP:

Week 1: -3
Week 2: -2

Here's to another 20!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Family Matters

Didn't you just love Family Matters with Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel? My favorite thing was when nerdy Steve would turn into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle (who was Steve Urkel without the nerd glasses, hitched up pants, and suspenders), and woo Laura Nana and I used to just lap that guy up.....SWOON. TGIF on ABC forever.  Yes, that includes Dinosaurs, Step by Step, and Full House.  Man I miss my Nana, she would watch with me and we would babysit each other every Friday from 7-9 pm while we ate lo main.....I would seriously give up 6 months of my life to get to live one of those TGIFs in with my Nana now at age 31 and not age 8...didn't appreciate enough when I could.

I digress......I am doing it again.  The ME.  The Ready and Fading Signature Move.  Let me introduce....the one, the only.....LE MELTDOWN.

Ah, yes, we are here.

The time when I realize that I am transitioning from one life experience to another and I freeze up, get rigid, get afraid, and self sabotage.

It happens when the scale is going day, I will wake up, give up, and eat that chocolate and ice cream I love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Or, I will promise something to a client and then cut it right to the deadline second because I am watching the Wendy Williams show.  Perhaps, I will get ready to go out for a night on the town and start thinking about Awful and then I will put my pjs back on and get back into bed with some Fritos because ditching plans is better than the .0000000005 percent chance that Awful will be eating tapas at the same restaurant I am going to on a busy Saturday night in a major city.

When I am ready to succeed, I let myself almost fail.  It is this really BAD habit and I know I can't always help it.  The rush of adrenaline I get from the ice cream binge, the last second success, or the doing what I need to do to protect is something I can't stop doing. WHY?

Anxiety is not fun. 

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  This is new for us.  This is real.  I HATE it.

Most of the animosity is coming from miscommunication.  I was raised to talk about doodie (poops), sissy (pee), and fertzies (farts) and to be free and natural and open.  Maybe too open.  I mean, I like to feel it all...the sad, the bad, the mad, the she didn't even know what she had......  Crush, he is FORMAL.  Pent up, really (everywhere, but in the bed).  He is forced with his social interactions to the point of being socially awkward, sometimes.  Everything just feels so SCRIPTED unless it is just us two together or we are out with my family.  I am not enjoying this. I like real.  I like raw.  I like fresh.

I accused Crush of having some processing and emotional issues.  I do think that he has coping mechanisms in place to deal with his family and I probably have no idea what is really going on. They are lovely and kind and welcoming and accepting, but they are NOT my family.  They don't bite the tushies of babies and eat ice cream all together in one bed and have breath wars (Honey Boo Boo's family stole this game from mine), well, because they are not disgusting like my little bunch.  But with the formality comes a bit of coolness and I am such a warm blooded little lap doggie.  I attract the loons and the loneliest because of this.

Crush doesn't let anyone in, but me.  Yes, me.  Chosen I am.  I guess this is how it should be.  He cries to me, he shows me his hand, but he is still loyal to his family way as he should be.  When he gets around his own family he turns into a mute who can't speak up, act like a man, or hold eye contact.  With my family, he is totally (well... he is still a total clumsy clod) fine and fun and light and open.

OF COURSE, upon talking to a special bestie today, she gave me the BEST advice and told me to STAY out of it, WAY out of it.  She is happily married and knows that the easiest way to coexist and not get smothered is to stay out, but stay respectful and I know this is EXACTLY what I need to's just that I live so heavy with my heart that I can never not give 110 percent, but I am going to try to be a bit more reserved this time around, I do think it will help me in the long run.

I want to be with a man who is a gentleman, but then I am super hard on Crush to loosen up.  How is this fair?  I am giving mixed messages to a man who is already a bit emotionally mixed up.  Not good, not good.  I want my little place with my Crush.  I need it.  And yet, I know his family comes with it and they are awesome, don't get me wrong, but they aren't my family and maybe this is where my anger and hostility are coming from....I am moving to be with him, to his state, and I will be close to his family and I am scared.....I will miss mine so much, it will be a hard time transitioning.

I said it.

I am terrified.

Because I never met a transition that didn't flip me out, fatten me up, and knock me flat on my bottom.

Let us all hope that this one will finally be different. 

Yup Yup Gluten Allergy

I have been doing so well with the gluten free diet and I am feeling GREAT!  My skin is amazingly better and smoother and clearer and prettier.....yay.

Well, last night I was out to supper and had a delicious salad and my dining companion was enjoying some pizza.  She tempted me to a slice and I took her up on it because I had decided that after 2 full weeks gluten free and much improved, I wanted to see if this was really going to be a psoriasis solution for me...cutting out the wheat, not eating regular pizza.

Well........................YES, totally gluten allergy here.  One piece of pizza and I woke up covered in my regular spots with the psoriasis.  Not as bad as it was 2 weeks ago, but a definite flair.  No more gluten here.  I give up.   I want my skin back and I will pick vanity over my yummy yummy gluten.

Monday, February 11, 2013

More Girls, Sorry I Can't NOT Talk About It....

Okay.....I have already shared my love of the show Girls on HBO.  I know some people HATE it, but I am just about obsessed.  I lived a VERY messy and interesting decade myself while I was in my 20's.  Until rather recently, I cursed myself for ALL of the very bad, very messed up, very stupid things I did then, but it was all so worth it now....I am finally really realizing and accepting this.

I told you this before last week, but I super relate to Hannah, the main character of the show for most purposes, in more ways than one.  Like her, I love being the expert, I struggle with self acceptance, and I often straddle the line of normal weight and a bit chubby (for the record, I would look WAY worse than her in all of the clothes she wears on the show....but I think the point of her wardrobe styling is to be unflattering).  Also, I was always getting myself into particular, dangerous, and almost fanciful situations on the regular.  I love reading the Girls reviews on Mondays after I tune in and so often people are hating and saying, "that could NEVER REALLY happen...." and I think, "ahhhhhh, yes, it could!"

If you didn't see last night's episode or aren't a fan of the show, I am going to fill you in (SPOILERS AHEAD!).  Hannah ends up meeting an extremely handsome older wealthy man (a doctor) at her job, quits it, finds his big fancy mansion in Manhattan, has sex with him, eats his food, wears his clothes, goes through his stuff, has an emotional breakdown, and faints all in less than 48 hours before she leaves without a trace.

This situation may seem crazy to some......but not to me.  Hannah, me too, girl.

10 WEIRD THINGS Things I Have Done That Hannah Would Do: 

1.  I briefly dated a man 10 years older than my father who was a very wealthy businessman.  He was in his 60's while I was in my 20's.  He took me to very fancy restaurants, bought me very expensive gifts (lingerie and purses which I returned), and flat out asked me to be his mistress and go to Paris with him where he would keep me for several months and pay me a salary that FAR exceeded what I was making at that time.  I seriously contemplated it.  I loved his company and sophistication.  To this day, he was the man that made me realize that I could only really marry a gentleman.  The thing that held me back was how could I explain running off with a 64 year old man to my parents......?!!!?  I couldn't.  I talk to my mom at least once a day.  He sent me a plane ticket.  At that point, I stopped returning his phone calls and became afraid, because I knew going with him would change my life and I didn't want to be that kind of girl.  I was surprised that a girl like me, someone who was never thin, but sometimes told she was pretty, could even be considered to be kept.  I thought it was such a compliment, that is how naive I was, but I also knew inside, it wouldn't make me happy.  I actually consider it a defining moment of my 20's, not running off with him to a country I still REALLY MUST GO TO (Crush promised me Europe and Australia before babies).  He also owns one of my favorite restaurants and I can never go there.  We never slept together, but he did see my vagina and told me it was beautiful (he knew vaginas before porn and labiaplasty) and danced with me to Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra.  He also made me great martinis and let me smoke in his penthouse (I still smoked a lot at the time and he would join me after a few drinks).  Crush is actually very similar to him, just half his age, a non-smoker, and no penthouse.....

2.  I briefly got drunk often with a man who was living in an alternate reality.  He told people he was the illigimate son of a famous actor.  He looked just like him, so I am still on the fence about his bloodline.  I don't know who he was or what he did, but I don't think it was legal.  He lived in the penthouse of a very expensive building, was driven around in a limo, and bought $500.00 bottles of champagne like how I buy items off of the McDonald's $1.00 Menu.  He bought me very expensive lingerie and told me I was striking and beautiful and not at all hot or thin and he liked me for that, for being real.  He cried to me several times.  One night I went into his closet to get money for takeout we ordered and looked at his ID.  It was not at all the name he gave me.  I questioned him and he told me to get the hell out of his house and NEVER come back again.  I have no idea who he is to this day.

3.  I once met a very handsome, tall, hot man at a bar on a bender out with some of my best friends.  I challenged him to a shot contest (I think.....there were many shots involved, I know that...) and all I remember is him giving me a piggyback, his condo looking like a pirate ship, and falling over.  I woke up wearing his clothes reeking of vomit in his bed, tucked in.  He was on the couch.  I had puked ALL over his place multiple times and he showered me, changed me, took care of me, and perhaps kept me alive and I swear I didn't even know his name.......he then drove me home in his beautiful fancy car from his pirate ship condo and asked me out...oh yes, he offered me some clothes that his ex-girlfriend left over (confirmed they had broken up) and let's just say her cheerleading shorts couldn't fit my pinkie toe..... Then, he proceeded to call and text multiple times to see if he could take me to dinner.  I was so mortified, I could never respond.

4.  One night, months after I broke up with the Sociopath, I decided I needed to have some sex.  Up until that point, I had only had 1 real one night stand that ended in sex (I was ALWAYS so self-conscious of my vag that I couldn't go all the way) at 3:00 am at a taco stand, I came to the conclusion that tonight was the night.  I picked up a much younger man eating a burrito and did it.  He smelled of Mexican takeout and sweat. I can't really remember the sex.  Then, he came over another night at 5:00 am and I can't remember the sex then either.  He called me randomly when I was with Crush a few weeks ago at 2:00 am and woke us up......wasted he was....I told him I was married with a baby, so he would take my number out of his phone.

5.  One night I went out with some of my gay friends (one is a porn star, like for real) and we were bored and tired, so we got some drugs, did them, and stayed up all night dancing to Eden's Crush and making out with one another and went to a 24 hour hour dinner and ordered 10 dishes and didn't eat one bite.  I woke up next to a cat.  I am scared of cats and I am not the biggest fan of anything that always lands on it's feet and can jump on the fridge (please don't judge, please, I know many LOVE their kitties and I would so have one if I wasn't scared.  SIDENOTE: I love dogs now, but was scared of them until I was 22, blame it on my parents, I never had a pet other than a fish growing up).

6.  I met a very handsome somewhat of a TV star in an European country (like he was sorta famous in another country, but not here, I met him here, I have never been to Europe) at a bus stop.  We went out several times.  He scolded me on my manners and my boldness.  He was a good kisser and had beautiful eyes.  All of his furniture was very low and white and modern.  I spilled red wine on his carpet.  He had a king sized bed with a twin sized comforter and 1 pillow, yes, just 1.  I was always cold when I slept over.  He also wore purple bikini underwear.  He said very creepy things in bed like, "you are a frisky baby zebra with seductive limbs and a rump roast...." I have no idea if he understood enough english to know if this didn't even make sense. One night, he bit my vagina, yes....bit it.  Then we never spoke again.

7.  I once went home with a man I met at a bar and we got into his bed and I felt something on my foot and it was a pair of ladies thong underwear.  They were damp.  I promptly put on my clothes and left.

8.  One night I had a kinda threesome with a really weird girl from college (this was in college) who was my best friend for 16 months and then disappeared (like dropped out of school without a trace) and a creepy 40 year old man that we met at a really seedy hotel bar.

9.  The first night I made out with Awful, I had drunk no less than 3 bottles of white wine.  When I met him a second time, I couldn't even believe I ever kissed someone I personally found so unattractive.  I dated him for 2 years.  I was drunk much of it.

10.  I once went to a man's apartment I met while working at my first job and his apartment was to this day the biggest apartment I have EVER been in.  He had several servants and his balcony alone was bigger than any of the apartments I ever lived in.  He had a bar, like a real one, outside.  He made me eat old chocolate covered cherries and drink gin martinis.  I hate chocolate covered cherries.  I hate gin. He loved U2.  We kissed and he had terrible cigar breath.  He asked me to stick my finger up his butt in the heat of the moment on his red velvet couch.  I left.

There are sadly more stories than just these, but I must get back to work.  Crush asked me last night if I was really ready to slow things down and settle in the South, I screamed "YES!" almost too enthusiastically.