Oh lawrdy......the only person you didn't want to be in college was "That Girl." "That Girl" did a lot of things that most girls didn't: peed in chairs in frat houses, pooped in boys' beds in summer sublets, fell down steep stairs at work while drunk and holding a cocktail tray full of drinks while wearing a mini skirt and no underwear, had a threesome with 2 sexually repressed metrosexuals during a summer long coke binge, showed up places uninvited crying about a broken heart and a seriously itchy and unsightly STD.
Now, surprisingly, none of the above apply to me. They are just things I was fortunate to witness during college that made me feel better about being this girl and not "That Girl."
That is not to say that this girl didn't: pee her own bed once after drinking 2/3 of a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a very quiet weekend in the dorms when everyone else went on frat and sorority walkouts freshman year, puke on the regular after drinking Long Island Iced Teas that cost 75 cents, yell at innocent strangers for things they NEVER (accusing them of calling me fat was a big one) said, pass out while making out (I think we kissed) with a sociopathic politician which caused him to rob my home afterwards because his blue balls simply made him insane, lose my underwear at a bar regular's house and then see him at happy hour when I was working the next day...MORTIFYING, throw up on a friend's stereo and then accuse her of doing it, wake up nude next to a bottle of rum, a beer can, 2 Dave Matthews CDs, a bong and my alarm going off for 5 hours and then went outside to realize that my car had been stolen by the very man that would leave me in such a horrific condition, make out with a 40 year old bartender who still lived in a college town (and recently hid from me) and 2 of my friends while listening to a Styx record....like a record, I do not think he could afford a CD player, jump in the pool with all of my clothes on after being inspired by my best friend who already had jumped in holding a Louis Vuitton clutch, take topless photos with my friends all on one couch while wearing costumes after being amped up by the song "It's Getting Hot in Herre" by Nelly, pass out when the only boy in college who wanted to be my actual boyfriend, but didn't even go to my college, came into town after we went out on our first date because I drank 6 beers before the date because I was nervous and then drank an entire bottle of wine during it and then a few weeks later, I had the nerve to get so drunk at his sister's wedding (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!) that I couldn't remember even getting up to the room after the wedding, but I was told I took a nap in a chair during it......and how can we forget when I rubbed baby oil all over a very handsome boy (who sadly got the absolute shit kicked out of him and had to leave college he was so injured) on my living room rug and then slid around with him like 2 well oiled pigs until the sun came up.
I mean how is this better than the "That Girl" actions? It isn't. Hypocrite city here. And this, all this, is just the tip of the iceberg. It is only the fried chicken of Old Country Buffet's spread. A nibble really in the hilarity and utter pathetic nature of my college experience, even though I wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad I am still here to tell you about it....
I was this girl to me, but so "That Girl" to everyone else.....and I didn't even know it.
One day, when this blog gets more than 2 views per day and someone actually comments, I do hope we can discuss some of the "That Girl" or "That Guy" stuff you all might have done. Please feel free to share even if you don't read this until 2014.
Showing posts with label Drunkorexic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunkorexic. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Drunkorexic
Drunkorexia is another "new craze" that has been around forever.... I won't claim to be the founder, but I was definitely in the club for about 9 years (age 20 - 29)....I mean, you can't do the horrible things I did and said without some booze rattling the already messed up mind.
I started college a bit fluffy (word we like to call chubby in my circle) for me. I was looking sleek senior year, but then I had a very bad accident summer before college which left me in bed isolating myself and drinking milkshakes.
Then, OY, the Freshman 40 happened. I mean, I started college as a perfectly fluffy size 12 (up from a no-hipped 10) and ballooned to a size 16 by Xmas break. This was brought to you exclusively by rounds at the dining hall (like 4 plates full at each meal as we later found out, the ring leader of the "eating team" was actually bulimic....R&F in college = TOTAL dumb ass), drinking every night, and pizza breadsticks at 3am (ROCK BOTTOM INVOLVED TEQUILA, BREADSTICKS, PEE, VOMIT, BED, ALONE).
ALSO, if you are going to college, invest $10.00 and buy a full-length mirror from Wal-Mart. I did not have one in my college dorm room and I remember coming home on break and looking in the mirror and thinking "who is this person?" when I saw that I had eaten my former self. Also, true story, my friends and I all got fat (I do believe I gained the most weight...WINNING HERE) freshman year and we developed this lie, this notion, that we weren't fat, it was actually the mirror's fault (fuck you, you, you, mirrrrrrooooorrrrrrrrr!). The term "fat mirror" was coined to help us deal with our excessive fatness and I truly believed most of the time that I looked HOT, it was the fun house mirror at Express lying to me.
Did I digress again? You know it!!!
Back to Drunkorexia......well, by summer going into junior year, I was done with the excuses. I wanted to be a girl of the year 2000 and wear backless tops, show my nipples and sideboob, stuff myself into some black pants, and perhaps even a baby-tee that showed my navel. I wanted to be my own version of She's All That, only my metamorphosis wouldn't be from nerd to hot, it would be from fat to thin. Also and most importantly, I heard that someone who I considered a friend had nicknamed me something that had to do with a huge zoo animal.
So, I enrolled in WeightWatchers, just like Jessica Simpson. Only I did it more than a decade before her, so I am cooler (actually, I LOVE her for real, so she is way cooler, always! I wish her weight loss as I know this all must be so hard for her and those daisy dukes are like a size minus zero and I was never ever a size minus zero). Only my "version" of WeightWatchers involved eating as many zero points foods as I could (sugar free jello, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, diet soda) and then drinking my points. So, I would eat 27 points a day made up of this: 2 points for egg whites, 0 points for sugar free jello and lettuce, and 25 points for green apple vodka. WHOOOOOT! Get it girl, you can count! I lost 39.5 pounds in just under 4 months and actually maintained that loss give or take about 7 pounds for the rest of college. I also farted like a machine, reeked of asparagus pee, and got all my energy from Diet Cherry Pepsi and Parliament Lights. I basically was Tara Reid.
After college, I did begin to eat as there were yummy restaurants to try and paychecks to not save. Anytime I knew I would be drinking though (which was often), I restricted my calories to less than 500 or so in an attempt to get drunk really fast and have calories to soak up the booze with late night food (pizzas, say what!?).
Even though I am not down too much, I look so much better booze-free. I am less puffy and bloated and I have eyes now, not just 2 little slits that rest in my face that are red and blood-shot.
I am so surprised that WeightWatchers never asked me to be an official spokesperson.....
I started college a bit fluffy (word we like to call chubby in my circle) for me. I was looking sleek senior year, but then I had a very bad accident summer before college which left me in bed isolating myself and drinking milkshakes.
Then, OY, the Freshman 40 happened. I mean, I started college as a perfectly fluffy size 12 (up from a no-hipped 10) and ballooned to a size 16 by Xmas break. This was brought to you exclusively by rounds at the dining hall (like 4 plates full at each meal as we later found out, the ring leader of the "eating team" was actually bulimic....R&F in college = TOTAL dumb ass), drinking every night, and pizza breadsticks at 3am (ROCK BOTTOM INVOLVED TEQUILA, BREADSTICKS, PEE, VOMIT, BED, ALONE).
ALSO, if you are going to college, invest $10.00 and buy a full-length mirror from Wal-Mart. I did not have one in my college dorm room and I remember coming home on break and looking in the mirror and thinking "who is this person?" when I saw that I had eaten my former self. Also, true story, my friends and I all got fat (I do believe I gained the most weight...WINNING HERE) freshman year and we developed this lie, this notion, that we weren't fat, it was actually the mirror's fault (fuck you, you, you, mirrrrrrooooorrrrrrrrr!). The term "fat mirror" was coined to help us deal with our excessive fatness and I truly believed most of the time that I looked HOT, it was the fun house mirror at Express lying to me.
Did I digress again? You know it!!!
Back to Drunkorexia......well, by summer going into junior year, I was done with the excuses. I wanted to be a girl of the year 2000 and wear backless tops, show my nipples and sideboob, stuff myself into some black pants, and perhaps even a baby-tee that showed my navel. I wanted to be my own version of She's All That, only my metamorphosis wouldn't be from nerd to hot, it would be from fat to thin. Also and most importantly, I heard that someone who I considered a friend had nicknamed me something that had to do with a huge zoo animal.
So, I enrolled in WeightWatchers, just like Jessica Simpson. Only I did it more than a decade before her, so I am cooler (actually, I LOVE her for real, so she is way cooler, always! I wish her weight loss as I know this all must be so hard for her and those daisy dukes are like a size minus zero and I was never ever a size minus zero). Only my "version" of WeightWatchers involved eating as many zero points foods as I could (sugar free jello, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, diet soda) and then drinking my points. So, I would eat 27 points a day made up of this: 2 points for egg whites, 0 points for sugar free jello and lettuce, and 25 points for green apple vodka. WHOOOOOT! Get it girl, you can count! I lost 39.5 pounds in just under 4 months and actually maintained that loss give or take about 7 pounds for the rest of college. I also farted like a machine, reeked of asparagus pee, and got all my energy from Diet Cherry Pepsi and Parliament Lights. I basically was Tara Reid.
After college, I did begin to eat as there were yummy restaurants to try and paychecks to not save. Anytime I knew I would be drinking though (which was often), I restricted my calories to less than 500 or so in an attempt to get drunk really fast and have calories to soak up the booze with late night food (pizzas, say what!?).
Even though I am not down too much, I look so much better booze-free. I am less puffy and bloated and I have eyes now, not just 2 little slits that rest in my face that are red and blood-shot.
I am so surprised that WeightWatchers never asked me to be an official spokesperson.....
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