Crush's brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend over the weekend.
I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match. They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important. Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up. They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating. As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.
In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!
Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?
IT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST THINGS EVER.
In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go. It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....
Everyone deserves true love. Real love. Soulmate love. This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation. This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security. This is about how a person makes you feel. I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?" If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!
Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was. I didn't have a soulful connection with myself. He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.
So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side. They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.
I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't. I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist. I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.
I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up. We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some). I will remember the positive if I ever see them. His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now. Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.
I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:
"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person. Only change yourself if you want to. Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday. Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end. I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing. You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me. You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful. You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally. I am here for you even if I can't be there for you. Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."
I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.
Showing posts with label Best Self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Best Self. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Blasting Through The Past
This past Sunday, I did something I have been avoiding for 18 months......I went through my junk in my parents' basement.
It sounds minor, but it wasn't.
On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function. I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.
Bless my parents, both of them. They saved me. They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me. When I needed them. When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....
It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me. How lucky I am.
When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past. Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.
I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box. I went through all of them. I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk. I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South. I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically. I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.
After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief. I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.
It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it. Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it. Day after day after day. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready. I could handle it and I did. Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it. It was Me versus Stuff and I won. WHOOT!
I feel like this is symbolic of many things. Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss. You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful. You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him. Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all. Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all. Seriously. I look the worst I ever looked with him. Strained. Uncomfortable. A mile away from my body and soul.
Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.
I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.
September here I come!
It sounds minor, but it wasn't.
On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function. I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.
Bless my parents, both of them. They saved me. They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me. When I needed them. When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....
It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me. How lucky I am.
When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past. Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.
I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box. I went through all of them. I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk. I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South. I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically. I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.
After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief. I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.
It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it. Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it. Day after day after day. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready. I could handle it and I did. Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it. It was Me versus Stuff and I won. WHOOT!
I feel like this is symbolic of many things. Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss. You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful. You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him. Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all. Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all. Seriously. I look the worst I ever looked with him. Strained. Uncomfortable. A mile away from my body and soul.
Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.
I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.
September here I come!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 2)
After my appointment with June, I was super excited to see DeeDee. About a month passed between my appointment with June and my appointment with DeeDee and during that time, I dreamt of my grandfather vividly almost every single night. It was almost like he was alive again. He told me in my dreams that he was proud of me, that he was going to help me find love, and that he was watching over me. I would wake up in the morning feeling extremely relaxed and hopeful.
The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it. I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me. But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...
I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff. DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.
When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe. It was very soothing. DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug. She said, "Welcome, R&F. Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late. He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning. I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments. He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE). I have to ask you your permission first, is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"
I burst into tears. I could feel him there. The energy. The smell. I knew he was in DeeDee's office.
"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.
DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically. She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it. Like a "no running sign" for children. My grandfather loved to make little signs like that. She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.
DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me. She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).
DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me. She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end. DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!). She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already). DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.
Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list. DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted. He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.
She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me. I promised her I would. She told me something I will never forget. "You are connected to life beyond life. Just like I am. You are being given a huge opportunity. Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate. All you have to do is make your list. You have nothing to lose. Just make the list. The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you. Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.
DeeDee went on to discuss my love life. The abuse I endured with Awful. The fact that Awful was never going to marry me. How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too). How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me. She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp. DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home. It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave. Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.
DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them. She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me. She said I would leave this city and never look back. IT IS ALL HAPPENING.
She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.
I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on. I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.
In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list. I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.
1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.
1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.
The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.
The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it. I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me. But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...
I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff. DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.
When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe. It was very soothing. DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug. She said, "Welcome, R&F. Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late. He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning. I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments. He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE). I have to ask you your permission first, is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"
I burst into tears. I could feel him there. The energy. The smell. I knew he was in DeeDee's office.
"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.
DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically. She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it. Like a "no running sign" for children. My grandfather loved to make little signs like that. She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.
DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me. She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).
DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me. She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end. DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!). She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already). DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.
Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list. DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted. He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.
She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me. I promised her I would. She told me something I will never forget. "You are connected to life beyond life. Just like I am. You are being given a huge opportunity. Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate. All you have to do is make your list. You have nothing to lose. Just make the list. The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you. Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.
DeeDee went on to discuss my love life. The abuse I endured with Awful. The fact that Awful was never going to marry me. How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too). How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me. She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp. DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home. It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave. Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.
DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them. She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me. She said I would leave this city and never look back. IT IS ALL HAPPENING.
She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.
I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on. I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.
In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list. I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.
1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.
1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.
The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Weighing My Options
Back to my favorite subject I hate to address.....my weight. Oy oy oy!
So......I had to take the bull by the horns. Houston, we do have a problem.
I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.
So, I am back in the saddle. I resigned up for WeightWatchers.
I know....been there, done that.
This time, I really do feel ready.
You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW. I have failed so many times before. BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly. I played with the plan. I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it. I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.
Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program. I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.
Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.
As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year. Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens. I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.
I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!
So......I had to take the bull by the horns. Houston, we do have a problem.
I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.
So, I am back in the saddle. I resigned up for WeightWatchers.
I know....been there, done that.
This time, I really do feel ready.
You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW. I have failed so many times before. BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly. I played with the plan. I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it. I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.
Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program. I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.
Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.
As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year. Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens. I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.
I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Almost Home, Yet Right At Home
I return tomorrow to the cold and my final months up North. I wish I could stay here forever (even though it is unseasonably cold here, too). I have never felt so at home. This weekend exceeded all of my wildest expectations.
As I shared, 2 of my besties came to visit Crush and me in my new almost hometown and the weekend is one I will NEVER forget. Both besties are pregnant and glowing and seeing them with their hubbies and bellies really made my year.
Crush was his charming self and besties reported in that he reminded them of my dad. I agree. Crush IS JUST LIKE my dad come to think of it. He is kind, quiet, pure of heart, honest, and a real observer......Maybe that is why I love him so much, because he reminds me of one of the greatest men I know. My daddy is the best: he wanted me, raised me, and has never stopped believing and supporting me (and my besties reminded me of a few stories I must share that daddy wasn't so proud of at the time).
Besties, hubbies, Crush, and I did a little site-seeing, took a quick trip to the beach (brrrr, it was freezing, but there will be others times, that I am sure of), and ATE ATE ATE.....it is what we do best all together. And let me tell you, years ago it was DRINK DRINK DRINK, so.......much improvement.
I love that I can be ME with besties and Crush. I can be ALL of me. There are no secrets. There are no forbidden stories. There are no filters. Crush likes ME for ME. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I told him I was WILD and he didn't really believe me because he knows present me. And besties know me now AND me 12+ years ago, so I am glad that Crush got to hear about old me through the best orators in town.
I have always wanted what I have now with Crush. A man I am proud of. I love to hold his hand, sit next to him at the dinner table, and smile for cheesy photos. My besties have the best husbands and now in our little group, I found my own gent, the missing piece for many years. It is not about being a 5th wheel. I have brought serious boyfriends to the table and I have sat alone proudly. It is about bringing the right kind of man for me to the mix and that is and always will be my Crush.
I know that no one is happier for me than my friends and that kind of love....there are no words to express my gratitude....I am tearing up just typing it.
Friends come and friends go, but once in a while, you connect in a way that cannot be broken. That connection is one for life and when you find it, you just know. You may talk only a few times a month, but the bond in your heart, it is a daily one. Washing the girls who held back my hair when I vomited, let me throw chicken nuggets at them in drunk range, and always supported my CRAZY ideas become the best wives and mommies ever....it has been such an honor. They are terrific role models for me.
The future has so much in store. Bonfires at the beach. Smores and sandcastles. Babies in bathing suits.
More best friend reunions. Next time with new life in tow.
Pinch me.
As I shared, 2 of my besties came to visit Crush and me in my new almost hometown and the weekend is one I will NEVER forget. Both besties are pregnant and glowing and seeing them with their hubbies and bellies really made my year.
Crush was his charming self and besties reported in that he reminded them of my dad. I agree. Crush IS JUST LIKE my dad come to think of it. He is kind, quiet, pure of heart, honest, and a real observer......Maybe that is why I love him so much, because he reminds me of one of the greatest men I know. My daddy is the best: he wanted me, raised me, and has never stopped believing and supporting me (and my besties reminded me of a few stories I must share that daddy wasn't so proud of at the time).
Besties, hubbies, Crush, and I did a little site-seeing, took a quick trip to the beach (brrrr, it was freezing, but there will be others times, that I am sure of), and ATE ATE ATE.....it is what we do best all together. And let me tell you, years ago it was DRINK DRINK DRINK, so.......much improvement.
I love that I can be ME with besties and Crush. I can be ALL of me. There are no secrets. There are no forbidden stories. There are no filters. Crush likes ME for ME. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I told him I was WILD and he didn't really believe me because he knows present me. And besties know me now AND me 12+ years ago, so I am glad that Crush got to hear about old me through the best orators in town.
I have always wanted what I have now with Crush. A man I am proud of. I love to hold his hand, sit next to him at the dinner table, and smile for cheesy photos. My besties have the best husbands and now in our little group, I found my own gent, the missing piece for many years. It is not about being a 5th wheel. I have brought serious boyfriends to the table and I have sat alone proudly. It is about bringing the right kind of man for me to the mix and that is and always will be my Crush.
I know that no one is happier for me than my friends and that kind of love....there are no words to express my gratitude....I am tearing up just typing it.
Friends come and friends go, but once in a while, you connect in a way that cannot be broken. That connection is one for life and when you find it, you just know. You may talk only a few times a month, but the bond in your heart, it is a daily one. Washing the girls who held back my hair when I vomited, let me throw chicken nuggets at them in drunk range, and always supported my CRAZY ideas become the best wives and mommies ever....it has been such an honor. They are terrific role models for me.
The future has so much in store. Bonfires at the beach. Smores and sandcastles. Babies in bathing suits.
More best friend reunions. Next time with new life in tow.
Pinch me.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Can't We ALL Just Get Along
I love other ladies. Not in a sexual way, but I do get a deep girl crush from time to time. I see the appeal in the fairer sex.
I am not a hater of my kind. Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it. Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.
One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition. He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services. This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.
Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality. When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect. You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.
Please don't confuse this with negativity. It is the opposite. This is ownership. This is pulling the veil off of life. A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man. Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired. Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.
Now, time for a rant.
I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow. Want to know why? Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL. You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life. Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.
In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me. If you are up for it, share a few about you!
1. I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.
2. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have stretch marks on my lower tummy. I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.
3. I have a big vagina. I have big labia. I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina. I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"
4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college. I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year). It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work. A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.
5. I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk. He was a friend of a friend. I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me. I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall. How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months). As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me. The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.
6. I binge eat and have since I was 8. My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
7. I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.
8. I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to. I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.
9. I have an anger problem. When I was younger, it was bad. Temper tantrums. Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist. It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving. At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering." The rage I felt at that moment was white hot. I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge. This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor. Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too. They used to hit my Sissy and me. The way to end a fight in my home is to break something. Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.
10. If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian. I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit. Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.
AND DISCUSS.....
I am not a hater of my kind. Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it. Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.
One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition. He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services. This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.
Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality. When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect. You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.
Please don't confuse this with negativity. It is the opposite. This is ownership. This is pulling the veil off of life. A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man. Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired. Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.
Now, time for a rant.
I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow. Want to know why? Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL. You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life. Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.
In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me. If you are up for it, share a few about you!
1. I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.
2. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have stretch marks on my lower tummy. I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.
3. I have a big vagina. I have big labia. I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina. I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"
4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college. I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year). It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work. A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.
5. I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk. He was a friend of a friend. I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me. I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall. How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months). As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me. The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.
6. I binge eat and have since I was 8. My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
7. I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.
8. I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to. I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.
9. I have an anger problem. When I was younger, it was bad. Temper tantrums. Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist. It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving. At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering." The rage I felt at that moment was white hot. I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge. This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor. Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too. They used to hit my Sissy and me. The way to end a fight in my home is to break something. Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.
10. If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian. I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit. Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.
AND DISCUSS.....
Sunday, March 10, 2013
I Bought A Dress REVISITED
Last month I told you that I bought a dress in 2 different sizes. And I tried them on again and the smaller size fit. Yes, that is right, I accomplished a mini goal!
I think it fit because I cut wheat for the most part (there have been wheat slip ups, but I am just trying for the majority, not perfection....all or nothing just doesn't work for me anymore!) out of my diet 90 percent of the time. I also have been trying to hit the gym 4-5 times a week.
Cutting the wheat has really helped control my binges and excessive over eating. I will say that my skin isn't looking as good as it did before. I am bummed. I initially gave up wheat to help my skin.
But, psoriasis is an immune disorder without a real cure, so I will try anything and everything. The fact that I lost 7 pounds in about a month while still eating french fries, chocolate, and ice cream AND that I haven't binged too much is a total win for me. I am sticking with a mostly what free diet skin improvement or not. I know when I head down south, my skin will improve a bit, too....nothing helps it like the sun and salt water.
So, now that I made my smaller dress goal, I am going to make another mini one....4 more pounds before the wedding. I have over 3 weeks, so I think if I keep going to the gym and resisting pizza....pizza is my weakness....I can do it.
I think it fit because I cut wheat for the most part (there have been wheat slip ups, but I am just trying for the majority, not perfection....all or nothing just doesn't work for me anymore!) out of my diet 90 percent of the time. I also have been trying to hit the gym 4-5 times a week.
Cutting the wheat has really helped control my binges and excessive over eating. I will say that my skin isn't looking as good as it did before. I am bummed. I initially gave up wheat to help my skin.
But, psoriasis is an immune disorder without a real cure, so I will try anything and everything. The fact that I lost 7 pounds in about a month while still eating french fries, chocolate, and ice cream AND that I haven't binged too much is a total win for me. I am sticking with a mostly what free diet skin improvement or not. I know when I head down south, my skin will improve a bit, too....nothing helps it like the sun and salt water.
So, now that I made my smaller dress goal, I am going to make another mini one....4 more pounds before the wedding. I have over 3 weeks, so I think if I keep going to the gym and resisting pizza....pizza is my weakness....I can do it.
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