A Very Wise Man

My uncle is the smartest person I know.

Not just because he is very turbo with his achievements including being a renowned doctor, an Ivy league graduate, and a visionary in his field, but because he is accessible.

If you saw his credentials on paper, you may be intimidated, but if you met him in person, you would think, "that is a very nice guy."  He could be a cocky asshole, but he is just the opposite.

This past Saturday was Yom Kippur.  The holiest day for Jews.  One where we fast and reflect on the past year and hope and pray for only good things for the year to come for ourselves and for the ones we love.

At our annual break the fast dinner, my uncle toasted Crush and me.  My entire family adores Crush and I can't wait to introduce my aunt and uncle and cousins to Crush's family because I know they will get a huge kick out of them, too.

Quickly, the table conversation turned to Awful and his whereabouts as one of my cousins shared that she had recently seen him on his scooter/sidecar and almost ran him over with her car (by accident) as Awful was driving like a maniac which is typical for him.

I informed them of his approaching wedding this coming weekend and like me, they were a bit surprised, but wished him the best of luck.  My uncle got to know Awful a bit because he personally got him his job a few years ago.  A fact that Awful (who had been unemployed for nearly a year before my uncle intervened) never thanked him for which really bothered my family, especially my dad (who already hated Awful for lying about major promises that he made to me).

But then my uncle said something that really resonated with me.  "Ready and Fading, I never liked Awful.  Did you know that?  I know this may not be the best time to discuss it, being Yom Kippur and all, but I think he is a bullshitter.  Time after time, he would ask me to go hunting with him.  I counted 6 times.  But, not once, did he ever follow up.  A real man honors his commitments.   I wish his new wife the best of luck because a man who says and does not do cannot ever be a good husband or a good friend.  He is a person who will always come up empty.  I respect Crush and I realized that he was a keeper when he got in his car and drove 900 miles to meet Sissy's new baby.  That is what a real man does.  A real man makes things happens and doesn't just talk about all of the things he will do someday."

My uncle, the very wise man, was right (of course!).

Crush has always made an effort.  To see me, to speak with me, to email and text me back.

We never had guessing games or almosts or empty promises.

Even when I doubted him (and got super cray cray) because I had been so hurt before and because I was afraid that this was all too good to be true, he came through.  Men had lied to me.  Men had said mean things to me about my body.  Men had wasted my time and my energy.

But not Crush.

Crush is a real man.  The kind of man who says what he will do and then does it (even if sometimes it isn't exactly the way I would....this is something I am working on, accepting that there are many ways to get to the same solution!).

Now that I am no longer single, I think this is an easy litmus test to separate all of the very bad ones from the really good ones.

Real men honor commitments.

BEST ADVICE Regarding Working Out

I love blogging.

I love sharing my stories, my fears,  my small successes.

My favorite part is the advice I receive from readers.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the wisdom, the honesty, and the helpful tips.

A few days ago, I posted about how I can no longer eat Big Macs with reckless abandonment because I know how many calories I am burning during my spin classes because my gym got new bikes.

I received wonderful comments and "WHOOTS" of support (THANK YOU!), but one comment from the always wonderful Danielle at Zombie Love Affair, I just had to share....it was so simple, yet so effective for me:

"The 'reward' for working out hard is looking and feeling good"

SO TRUE!  There is no better reason to work out.  To feel strong.  To feel capable.  To feel shapely.

I always practiced the notion that a workout was to be rewarded with food.  

I am always ravenous when I first get back into a workout routine until my body adjusts, so in my mind, I felt like I needed the extra food....and no!  I would push myself in a class daydreaming about pizza, milk shakes, and hamburgers.  Then, in the next thought, I would daydream about myself in my favorite bikini.  Oy, Ready & Fading, OY! 

Yesterday, after a particularly awesome spinning class, while I was at the gym showering, I thought about how awesome and accomplished I was already feeling about my day.  It was only 9:00 am and I had answered several emails, took an exercise class, and now I was getting ready for my afternoon appointments.  I look down at my legs and thought to myself, "hey, not bad." My cheeks felt flushed, my tush felt tight, and my calves were still burning.  

That was the workout reward........feeling untouchable.

8 Things I HATED Hearing When I Was Single

Make NO mistakes....I was THE single girl.  All of my friends (even sister after a time as she has been with her man for 5 years this month) have had normal and functioning significant others since their mid-twenties...Me on the other hand....oy.....it was a revolving door of weirdos and men so bad and dysfunctional that even I couldn't justify it after a while.

Being single is not easy if you don't want to be single.  It becomes especially hard after the age of 27 or so (at least in my city) when people you know and like start tying the knot and reproducing and all of a sudden you are on Lonely Island......at least I was......no invites to couple dinners and events, weekends without plans, date after date with absolutely NO connection. During this time, I now see clearly how much my friends wanted me to be happy and how they did relate to the emotional darkness I was feeling, even if they hadn't felt it themselves pertaining to dating.  When you are sad, true friends, the ones that matter, do want to help, they do.  If they don't, they aren't your real friends anyway.

The truth is everyone has easy AND hard things to manage in life.  Nothing is ever perfect.

Someone's easy (like finding love) can be someone's hard (like not having a great relationship with their family)....it all balances out.

I have learned that staying positive is really the best way to deal with all of your shortcomings and frustrations.  I know that it is super hard to accept and follow, but it is true.

I did HATE and DREAD hearing certain things when I was single.  These comments would make my blood boil, give me the sweats, and make me want to burst with rage.   Perhaps it was because I was ALWAYS the single one, but also because certain comments are stupid and insensitive and rude to say to a singleton.....so don't. Here we go:

1.  Why are you single?

Would you ask a friend "why are fat", "why are you stupid", "why are you short", "why didn't you get promoted".......common sense here.  Single people may be sensitive to their single status...perhaps they are out trying to meet people and now you just pissed on their parade.  Unless someone tells you, "being single is the BEST....I have my freedom, I eat Twix for dinner, I sleep with 4 strangers a week and it is HOT!"....don't ask them why they can't land a mate.

2.  What Ever Happened To?

If the last time you saw a distant friend and they were out with a date or with their significant other and the next time you see them they are flying solo, don't ask what happened to that person.  For example:

Married Friend - "How is Brian doing?  That guy you were with at Tom's party last year, he was really nice."

Single Friend - "Actually he is an asshole.  I found out he was cheating on me with his secretary and now they are engaged.  They are getting married tonight."  (Single Friend runs off and sobs in the bathroom for an hour, then takes 10 tequila shots, pukes in a cab, and wakes up without her cellphone or wallet....)

Don't be the insensitive casual friend that becomes the enemy.

If the Single Friend is really not single and Brian is off at a bachelor party or something, your friend will mention him to you if she wants to discuss him.

3. You Should Try Online Dating!

Oh, really?  Should I?  I have never heard of that concept....please explain what it entails....a computer and the world wide web you say...how amazing!

Unless the year is 1997 or you are over the age of 85, this is not an acceptable suggestion.

4.  I Have the Perfect Person for You to Meet!

ONLY mention this if you are SUPER serious and will be sending an introduction email in the next 12 hours.  Single people do not take almost set-ups lightly.  This requires action.  If you do not have what it takes to produce contact, keep your mouth shut.

5.  Did You Hear......?!

If you know someone is single and perhaps nursing a breakup or divorce, don't spill distant friends' good news.  If your single pal is on Facebook, they will know who is single, who is engaged, who is recently married, and who is expecting.  If they aren't on Facebook (like me), they don't care about this sort of stuff , so they don't need you filling them in. You do not have to be all Patti Simcox from Grease and gossip about people that don't care about you.

(True story: About a year ago, a very dear friend of mine told me about a frenemy who I had a nasty falling out with and who is significantly younger than me, had recently become engaged...I was living with my parents at age 30 and attending therapy to deal with my self doubt and self esteem issues....it wasn't the kind of news I needed to hear at that time in my life because nothing positive was brought to my attention by knowing about it.  I had to remind my friend that I couldn't handle Facebook at the time, so please don't tell me this sort of thing.  If someone wants to know about mutual acquaintances, they will ask.)

6.  You Should Go to So and So, There Are Tons of Singles There

The suggestion is always a bar.  Always for the most part.  And unless you want to find the type of person who loves bars (I don't, but if you do, then maybe this is less of a sore spot for you) why would you go to a bar?  For me, bars are about my friends and not long-term relationships (all I have ever met at a bar is a one night stand).  This is because I don't want to meet a drunk, a college boy, a man with Peter Pan Syndrome (I WON'T GROW UP!), or a pirate.  I also hate how bars smell now that you can't smoke in them (I don't smoke, but I would rather smell smoke) as they reek of stale beer, vomit, urine, and debauchery (I am getting old....just realized that I would rather go many places before a bar).

7.  I Forget to Tell You, So and So Asked About You!

This ALWAYS happened to me.  Someone would tell me, "Remember Dan? He asked about you and I forgot to tell you!"

I would say, "Oh really?  How cool!  He was nice, set me up!"

They would say, "He actually just started seeing someone and they are super serious already.  She is planning to move in!"

I would scratch my head and wonder why my friend former friend felt the need to burst my bubble like that....how rude!

8.  Would You Like to Join ME for Dinner?

This is both a saying and a doing.....I love some of my friends significant others like family and they are ALWAYS welcome, but a pet peeve of mine has always been and still is being invited by a friend to supper without mentioning their significant other coming to join us.  Dinner for 3 instead of 2.  I am fine hanging out with couples, but friends night is different that a couple plus a single friend night, so prepare the single as they may approach the entire invitation differently (The Real Housewives always fight about bringing men without asking and this may be the only thing I agree with them on) in general.  Perhaps your single friend will not wear elastic pants and flip-flops if they know they are joining in on a romantic date for 2.

Tell me, what are some other things that are in bad taste to say to singles?

30 Things I Came to Realize After I Turned 30

1.  No one will love you unless you love yourself first.

2.  Clothes look better when they fit, regardless of what size they are.  A tag is on the inside, it doesn't define you.

3.  Invest in a few great blazers in different colors.  They will structure every outfit, conceal areas that may not be up for the exposure, and they are always in fashion.

4.  Clarisonic brushes do work.  Once a day, delicate brush.  Moisturize with argon oil afterwards.

5.  Sunscreen on the face everyday.  Even when it's cloudy.  Even when it's snowing.

6.  Sometimes the best company is found in solitude.

7.  Distance shouldn't define relationships.  Some of the people I love the most live far away.  Technology is a great thing sometimes.

8.  Kindles are great, but the feel of a book, the smell of a book, nothing can really replace that.

9.  Sometimes the music you really love still sounds the same 16 years later.  Sometimes it is great to get those old dusty CDs out and see if they still inspire you.  You will see how much you have changed and also how little you have, too.

10.  Email is a full time job.  It involves commitment.

11.  Eating right and exercise is about balance.  You have to treat it as a daily effort, but not a daily obsession.  Nothing that is so black and white will ever be sustainable.

12.  The work you put in will not always equal the product you get out.  This is okay.  Once in a while, we all fail.  Failure is an experience to learn something new.

13.  Every woman should have the following standard items in her closet: 1 wrap dress, 1 pair of heels that are comfortable and closed toe, 1 clean crisp white button down shirt, 1 blazer that hits past the hips, 1 pair of dark jeans that create no muffin top, and a few printed silk tunics.....I swear, your life will change.  You can go anywhere in minutes.

14.  There is power in being ready in less than 20 minutes straight from the shower.  It took me 10 years to learn a good routine for me.  Wet hair gets a little Moroccan oil, sunscreen and argon oil on the face, followed by Armani foundation (life changing!), Nars Orgasm blush (believe the hype!), Loreal Voluminous Mascara, and a pat of Nars Heatwave lipstick.  Done and done. I love beauty products and will make a big list of my favorites coming soon!

15.  Family is priceless.  If you have a great one, you are lucky.  It is a privilege, not a right.

16.  Say sorry.  Admit fault when needed.  Let the grudges go.  Close doors.  New ones will open.

17.  When your friends have children, they will change.  They will become someone's mommy.  This is beautiful.  The friendship you have before will always be there.  The way they love their children is very much the same as the way they have always loved you.

18.  Men who love children and think they are awesome are the sweetest.  Sharing baby photos with a guy and getting a genuine reaction...priceless.

19.  Everyone has a past.  It is what they learned from their past that defines their future.

20.  I am better without booze.  Once in a while is great, all the time is dark.

21.  Appreciation and genuine thank you's are worth sleepless nights, driving 300 miles on no sleep, and crying fits.  There is always a solution.

22.  The race isn't won at 30.  It isn't won at 40 or 50 or 60 or 70.  People always change.  People always learn.  Life is unpredictable.

23.  If someone Awful tells you that you will never succeed, prove him wrong.  Not through words, through actions.

24.  No one knows what happens behind closed doors.

25.  It's okay to admit that you are sad.  It is the first step to finding happiness.

26.  Sleep is necessary for success.

27.  Ice cream and chocolate are not the enemy.  They are just not someone I should invite into my social circle on a regular basis.

28.  Don't expect too much and you will never be disappointed.

29.  Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

30.  One days things may just be better, but it takes a lot of bad days to get there.  Nothing instant is real.