The End of An E(x)ra

I wanted to say farewell to the idea of my Awful Ex.

This is the last post I will ever post about him.

The future is ahead of me and the past is now in the past.

I don't know if it was simply seeing his circular form from afar for the third time in a year (I mean, in this BIG HUGE city I live in...what are the chances!?) or because I can taste my move coming now.....but, it is time.  I have been blogging here for nearly a year (time flies!) and Awful and I officially broke up in November 2011 and had our last true correspondence in July of 2012......time to let GO GO GO GO!

So, here it goes.

The pain in my heart no longer resides.  The anger and fear and hostility I have for him is no longer pulsating through my veins.  Peace has set in.

I don't like him as a person because I don't think he is truly good.  He was a terrible boyfriend to me.  A liar.  Manipulative.  Abusive.  AWFUL.

But, I cannot be a victim.  I allowed myself to be treated poorly and sometimes I lashed out.  I saw signs and decided to stay.  I turned a blind eye to things that I should never have....him not coming home some nights, calling my rolly tummy the "stormy sea..", telling me he would pay to lob off my belly and then me taking him up on it....not because I really wanted it....because I wanted him to pay for saying such hurtful things to me.  His indifference to marriage and children and commitment.  He was over 35 the entire time we dated and yet he was so childlike.  A teenage boy lost at sea in his little wooden boat...obsessed with popularity, friends, and parties......

And yes, there are parts of him that aren't so bad.  There are 3 sides to every story as they say....Besides his generosity to bribe people to be his friend, he is intelligent and a good son, a good brother, and a good uncle.  He is also a good friend to a few people, a REALLY GOOD ONE.  Dependable, kind, and patient.  He is also VERY smart.  He is a schlub, but not totally....I mean I did date him for over 2 years....

So why did I hold on so long?

This has been something I have been rolling around in my mind for a while in preparation of this post.

And I struggled with the answer over and over again and the truth is....

Well, I wanted my hatred for him to give me strength.

The strength to move on, to prove him wrong, and to lose weight.

And in many ways, I am still here.  I am moving and I have moved on, but I am actually heavier than I was when we broke up....so hate is not my secret weigh loss recipe anymore.

Just because it worked before when I heard a boy I thought was a friend call me fat in college and then I lost 40 pounds from WeightWatchers  starvation and sheer determination.....it isn't enough anymore and I find comfort in that.

I wanted to believe that my hatred for Awful would help me lose weight and it didn't at all.

Huge realization here.

Who wants to go through life angry, vindictive, and looking to prove someone wrong?

Not me.

Well, not me anymore.

And, I am not a total hypocrite because I am currently working on letting my distain for a few former clients go too, but that is still too raw to really process presently.

My clairvoyant did say that Awful would die young from a terrible and fatal accident (she specifically saw either a boating or motorcycle related one....which I used to have nightmares about last summer....) and I will admit that I don't wish that upon him, but if it happened, I wouldn't be surprised because he is reckless...drunk, risky, and fancy free.  As my Mom says, "Awful was always knee deep in his cups and drowning..." Her dislike for him grew immensely when he convinced my 5 months pregnant sister to go for a relaxing 10 minute boat cruise (you cannot argue with Awful about his boat...it is his way or the highway there..!) and got us stuck for hours in a huge body of water without food.  And the entire time he was convincing Sissy....I knew in my mind....it would be a disaster because everything with him often was!  After that occurrence.....my sister referred to him as "The Drunk Flailing Boat Troll" and as mean as it was....she was afraid that Big Baby was going to be born on the boat as 4 months to safety did seem like a realistic escape plan as he was always helpless when tragedy set in.

So, it is the end of my era with Awful Ex.  He will be the man we giggle about 10 years from now, while we get together for holiday suppers or weekend reunions with friends.....

And ask....

"What do you think ever happened to Kevin?"

(Yes, I went for a very cheesy and Sex and the City name drop reveal....!)

THE END!

Perspective

Crush's brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend over the weekend.

I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match.  They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important.  Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up.  They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating.  As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.

In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!

Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?

IT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST THINGS EVER.

In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go.  It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....

Everyone deserves true love.  Real love. Soulmate love.  This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation.  This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security.  This is about how a person makes you feel.  I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?"  If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!

Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was.  I didn't have a soulful connection with myself.  He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.

So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side.  They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.

I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't.  I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist.  I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.

I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up.  We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some).  I will remember the positive if I ever see them.   His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now.  Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.

I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:

"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person.  Only change yourself if you want to.  Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday.  Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end.  I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing.  You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me.  You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful.  You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally.  I am here for you even if I can't be there for you.  Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."

I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.