Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Getting Older

All of a sudden, I am no longer in my 20s.  WHAT HAPPENED?  Tell me.  All of a sudden, I feel grown, well kinda.  I was once young, so dumb, and so fancy free.  I was open with my time, I was open with my body, I was always available.  I got up each morning, I went to work, I spent time with people I cared about.  I don't remember thinking once during this time.  I know I did think.  I had anxiety, I had doubt, I was sad, I was happy, I was afraid, but what did I think about?  I must have numbed my thought process.  Surely I didn't think, or I wouldn't be in the place I am in now....right?  I mean, beyond deciding what I would wear or what I would eat, what did I think about?

How did my mind allow me to date the Awful Ex?  How did I ever justify dating a man I couldn't stand, a man I was never truly attracted to?  How weird the mind is, how much it plays silly games.  When the mind fights the heart, the heart will always win. 

Age has made me vain.  I am so vain.  Yet, I cannot stop eating.  How am I so vain, yet so hungry?  Pretty people don't eat, a pretty face is only a part of being beautiful, right?  The body is so much more important.  You learn this young when you are always told "you have such a beautiful face."

I have always liked an older man.  I feel like I can no longer attract one.  I am too old to attract a much older man.  Where is the irony?

I spend all of my money on anti-aging serums.  I make appointments with dermatologists, I promise myself trips to the gym.  I try to preserve myself, to erase all of the years of my personal damage...the sun, the smokes, the booze, the weight fluctuations.  I want to be beautiful for someone, I want to be beautiful for me.

I have been mistaken lately for a younger woman.  I got into a fight with someone at the checkout line about my age after I was carded when buying a bottle of wine for a friend...it was pure heaven.....I loved every second of it, even though the checkout lady was super rude.  Abuse me with questions about my age, I need it.

I fear I will be too old for someone, too young for another.  I fear no one will ever want me now that I'm no longer in my 20s.  What was so good about being younger?  Why do I long for a 2 before the second number of my age?  I must be getting older, because I seriously can't even remember.

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