Eating My Heart Out

Yesterday was a very bad eating day.  It was terrible actually.  I stayed up late working on Friday night watching TV and catching up with friends on the phone and then I chatted until very late with the Crush and then I was too excited to sleep because I am cool like that.  I have a really good conversation with a man and then I get off the phone and scream and hop around like I am in 6th grade.  I really should have had a real boyfriend before I was 24, I do think I would have been a tad bit more mature now....

So, yesterday, I had lots to do and while I did it, I ate massive amounts of food.  Then, I watched lots of movies on TV including Mean Girls (Lohan, WTF, seriously girl, WTF, you were so damn cute in 2004, the hair, the body, your face....you should have kept it ALL the way it was....BEAUTIFUL!....imagine if she never touched herself, she would be so gorgeous now, like a baby less than 30 Julianne Moore) and there is a part in the movie where they are showing Lohan the lunch table demographics and explaining where the jocks sit, where the Plastics sit, and one of the tables is the 'girls who eat their feelings' and I literally stopped eating my cookies and cream slow churn yogurt and almost choked....I mean, that's me....that's not who I was in high school openly in public, but it's who I am now in secret and I don't think it's funny....I am a girl that eats ALL of her feelings.....WTF?!?!?!

Why did I eat my feelings yesterday?  Hmmmmmmmmm.....these are the reasons I am coming to as of now:

1.  I have a lot of work to do and I am having a lot of anxiety.  I am going to make a check list each and every morning in order to accomplish what needs to be done and not get all miffed about the constant email which is a part of life and business these days and there is no way to avoid it.  I am averaging 75-250 emails daily which all need to be answered, so I am trying to find a way to manage it all.  Catching up on weekends do help.

2.  I didn't sleep at all on Friday.  I stayed up all night.  I dozed off for 2-3 hours.  When I don't sleep, I always crave carbs and sweets.  I ate a TON of them yesterday.  Not cute.

3.  I am feeling nervous about the person I am crushing on.  I am not going to self-sabotage or use substances to feel more secure (I realize now that I used to drink tons to get from being something to being a girlfriend....like I would NEED to get drunk to discuss feelings), this time, regardless of what happens, I have vowed to be honest and open about everything.  What do I really have to lose?  Nothing.

The truth is that yesterday I binged.  I ate mindlessly, I ate a lot, I ate until I had to lay down and I woke up with a food hangover.  I made it 9 days, NOT 30 as I set out to do and that's okay.  9 days without a binge is surely progress.  It is much better than where I was, binging everyday for 1 year!  So, I will be starting over today, with a Binge Free: Day 1 (Cycle 2) and try for 30 days.

I do think that this time, I may just be able to get there....everyday is a battle, if I keep trying, perhaps, I will eventually win....

The List

A year ago, I was told to make a list of the qualities I was looking for in my husband.

It was first an exercise to see if Awful, the man I was begging to marry me, was really the kind of person I wanted.  He wasn't.  

But, the list didn't tell me this because I only found the courage to write it about 3 months ago.

I was told to write the list by my mother, by one of my very best friends, by my sister, by the clairvoyant who completely changed my life that the best friend listed above just had a feeling I HAD to meet (more on that some other time).  

I was told to put down EXACTLY what I was looking for.  To let it all hang out, to not censor myself, to not worry about how it all "looked" on paper.  As I have explained before, I care DEEPLY about what other people think, so of course this was hard for me. 

And I started my list about 20 times and then I would cry (obviously) and become very sad and eat and then fall asleep in my crumb pile and I couldn't finish the list completely.

I didn't want to write the list because the list felt so superficial, so final, so choreographed.  I have a short attention span.  I sometimes feel claustrophobic and cooped up committing 2 hours to watch a movie....

But, then I went to my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people in the world.  I spalled out on the beach and I made my list and it made me feel so free.  Really giddy and light headed and almost drunk.  I then copied the list and sent it to a very special person in heaven and I have a feeling he received it (more on that some other time....I PROMISE).

The LIST:

1.  Soulmate love/same religion as me (Jewish)

2.  Taller than me (I asked for 6' and over)

3.  Brown or black hair

4.  Any color eyes (I think ALL eyes are beautiful in their own way)

5.  Big hands 

6.  Broad shoulders 

7.  Masters degree or higher

8. Straight teeth

9.  Kind

10.  Sensitive

11.  Stable job, earns a good living

12.  Does not drink or do drugs regularly (special occasions are fine and welcome, let's celebrate!)

13.  Good listener

14.  Respects downtime

15.  Respects privacy

16.  Doesn't embarrass me

17.  Likes to explore: take long walks, bike ride, wander cities and countrysides

18.  Doesn't smother me

19.  Can be quiet

20.  Will join me to see the world

21.  Will think I am beautiful

22.  Will not give me a body complex

23.  Faithful

24.  Good morals and values

25.  Appreciates music

26.  Has an active lifestyle, works outs

27.  Ready to get married

28.  Ready to have children

29.  Loves me, not just the idea of me

30.  Doesn't need to be popular or cool

31.  Will be my best friend

32.  Will complete me

33.  Will push me, will challenge me

34.  Will open me to new experiences

35.  Will admit fault

And, and....Crush seems to have so many of these qualities and I am getting so optimistic....for example: he is way more into my own religion than I am, but I asked for faithful (#23), he doesn't seem to have tons of friends, but I asked for someone who doesn't need to be popular or cool (#30), and he plays several instruments (#25)....he also works out daily (#26), wants to have kids pretty soon (#28), has a masters (#7), is soft-spoken (#19), and loves to travel (#20). He's tall too (#2), but I could have really let that one go if I needed to.  

Maybe sometimes, sometimes, you really do get what you wish for.

And even if this isn't anything and NOTHING happens, I am just so happy that what I want is actually OUT there.  These kind of guys do exist.....it's just being patient enough to find them. If not this one, then the next one, or the one after him, but he IS coming, I know it. 

Eating and Feelings

Oy.  The past few days have not been so hot.  I have company in town and I have been a bit sloppy with my eating.

Also, I have decided that my crush is a mutual crush and I don't know what is going to happen, but this feels very different and in order to deal with my anxiety and impatience and unease about the potential of someone liking me (because I am REAL mature this way), I have been eating my feelings.  I have been eating lots of crunchy stuff like pretzels while I think....I am calling myself out here. I took a little break from the mindless munching to write and reflect just now.

I have email to catch up this evening and a special toddler to snuggle (my nephew) and I am so full and nauseous from my snacking, I am about to burst.

It is not about starting fresh, starting new, brand new days, or any of that.  I have BEEN there, I have DONE that.  This is about realizing what I am doing and breaking bad habits without breaking my own spirit.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  I do plan to log every bite as this is the only thing that helps.  Today, I didn't even really binge because I still had a mind body connection while I was crunching.  My mind kept telling me to stop because I wasn't hungry, because I was feeling anxiety, because I was craving clarity and not pretzels.  That my friends, that is real progress. Before, when I ate with reckless abandonment, my mind was completely blank....it was like going into a coma.  A food coma.

Fate

I don't want to forget this, so I am going to get this down in real time.

I am feeling rather odd.

Let me just say that I believe in god, in angels, in ghosts, in things that happen that no one can explain...I believe it fate, in soulmate love, in being patient, in being kind, in trying to learn everyday.

I have some weird theories based on my religion, how I view life and death. Weird is too strong a word, it is actually really beautiful, and hopeful, and soothing.

I think about these deep things a lot.  When I am trying to sleep, these things keep me up.

In terms of supernatural occurrences, a few things happened last year, that really made me believe, and I do plan to eventually share them.  Not like ghost related stuff (even though I have experienced it and will also share), more like fate related conversations with the deceased....EVERYONE, stop judging, I NEVER claimed to be normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mentioned my crush earlier and I spoke to him tonight for a bit.  We share the same religion and many of the same views which I am enjoying.  After arguing with Awful for over 2 years, I am learning to just speak and not scream with a man.

Tonight, Crush and I started talking about spiritual stuff as we both reflected a bit yesterday on Yom Kippur and he told me about his version of heaven and I nearly peed myself.  No one has ever explained the idea to me EXACTLY the way I explain it to other people....it was chills.  My views are based on my religion, but also on how my family views these things too, so it is not only odd that our beliefs are the SAME, it is also weird that he explained it just as I have so many nights having the kind of drunk conversations I live for before everyone passes out sitting up with lit cigs in hand.

Then, he said something else........"I don't want to freak you out, but you seem so familiar to me.  Not like I have really met you before this or know you.  Just your face, your laugh, your voice, everything about you seems so familiar to me and it's scaring me a bit, but I really really like you.  Do I seem familiar to you?"

The answer is yes.  I made a list a few months ago and sent it to someone very special in heaven and I do think it's possible that my prayers are being answered.  He checks off everything on that very long list.  If not this one, then someone good like him is coming soon, I am getting so close, I can FEEL it. My heart is opening at the seams in a very good way.

The fact that he says I am familiar is just such a good way of explaining what I am feeling lately.  Everything is familiar because I am opening myself up enough to see the things I already know, but never believed.

Binge Free: Day 9

2,000 calories.  Lots of meetings.  Great conversations.  A few texts from best friends.  Really good day. Things are looking up around here.

Binge Free: Day 8

I am a day behind here, so I will recap today, Day 9, tonight.  I am Jewish, so I fasted yesterday for Yom Kippur and caught up on email and napped atoned.  Then, I complained about being hungry and drooled.  Basically, I acted like Garfield the cat if Garfield the cat had a laptop and lots of email to do.

When it was time to EAT, I ate and figured it was around 1,800 calories consisting of mostly bagels and cream cheese with some cookies thrown in for good measure.  Today is much better....I will report in before bed.

I Have a Crush

I totally have a crush on someone.....I keep trying to be the old me and make up reasons why he isn't a good or nice or kind or modest person and he is proving himself to be ALL of these things.

I do this REALLY bad thing where I make up excuses for people.  Well, more like assumptions.

I assume someone is this way or that and then I talk myself out of dating nice men and end up with Awfuls.  I am not claiming I have met my next boyfriend here, but I will say that this crush already seems to be much more honest and upfront about his reality than anyone I have shared my phone number with yet......and I am excited!

I am not excited because I have someone new to talk to, even though it is indeed nice.  I am excited though because I have perhaps opened myself up to the reality of dating a real live person with a good heart because I know in my heart that I truly deserve nothing less.  I don't need 6' feet, dark hair (bald is fine at this point), a six pack, or blue eyes (all of this would be excellent, but it is not necessary), I only need someone who will make me feel appreciated, love me honestly, not try to hurt me intentionally, and not lead me to believe that what I what is EXACTLY what he wants, if it isn't.

We will see, but if I can break this spell, this terrible spell of dating absolute Awfuls and I just realized in therapy the other day, addicts, I may be able to perhaps make it past 3 dates with someone.....and that would be nice because even though I am a crabby mess some of the time, I am less of a crabby mess when I get to have sex more than once a year.

Binge Free: Day 7

1,800 calories....a few too many cookies and brownies....(like 1 huge cookie and 1 huge brownie)...

Very busy day yesterday and I am dealing with a client issue.....it's making me feel very very very anxiety-ridden.  Couldn't fall asleep and I am waiting for a call to make sure that things will be okay and I fear they won't.  We will see.

The Things I Will Never Understand

I am currently enjoying a delicious sandwich and catching up on email (my life) and there is a couple, a really cute couple behind me, in their late 20s, having a knock down drag out personal fight about Facebook.

Pretty lady doesn't like that cute guy "liked" something on Facebook that his ex-girlfriend liked.  She is actually crying about it now.  I wish I could help, but I don't know what he liked or why liking something is bad.....

Binge Free: Day 7

2,300 calories.  Again, not the best, but I ate 3 meals out today, so it could have been worse.....the next few days will be much better as I will be able to eat meals at home.

I enjoyed my lunch and dinner as I caught up with friends and babies that I haven't seen in a bit and it was awesome to eat yummy food and have it satisfy me.  Truth time: often in the past this year, I would eat out and then still again alone.....I mean, not good.  I workout daily, so optimally, I would like to eat around 1,800 calories daily, but I am still looking to play around and will take one day at a time.

This morning, when I weighed, I was down 3 pounds total, so 27 to go!

Sweet dreams all!

So Much To Say

I am a posting MACHINE!  A MACHINE!

I just wanted to explain that for the past year, I have been journaling a lot.  I have been purchasing really expensive journals and then spilling coffee on them, getting greasy food finger prints in them, and then losing them and having panic attacks about people reading my thoughts.....so, I decided to start this blog.  I haven't lost my laptop yet.....cross those fingers. Many of these posts are from a year ago or so, but I did want to share them, to show my progression, my place, and my honesty.  When I get all my existing writing up, I will be a normal poster and post once a day.

Real time, my anxiety is still out of control, I suffer with depression, and I am going to get my meds straight here next week. Real time I am tracking my bingeing and weight.

This blog is also beneficial because sometimes I am hard to track down and my work schedule keeps me against the world a bit (I work evenings and weekends often), so now the 3 people in this world that may want to actually chat with me, can read about my issues and NOT have to hear about them all the time when I complain and play my sad sad violins to them.  WIN-WIN.

Also, many of the real dark stuff is from a while back.  I had a really dim period a few weeks ago when the ex started bothering me again and I had a work melt down that I did see coming because I accepted something that was so below me, but for the most part, my sky is parting and the sun is starting to shine and I feel like myself again....this is because the people who love me have been by my side, have encouraged me, and have made me feel like getting what I want is possible...THANK YOU ALL!

I will share it all, but I don't want any of my friends to feel like they need to schedule an intervention, not yet, at least.

You Look Familiar

Oh yes, because I picked you up at 2:30 am at a late night taco stand and had sex with you in 2007 or was it 2008?  And then, I had sex with you a few more times after that after 3:00 am on a few other occasions.  Hi, how are you, whatever your name is......Nick, Greg, Bryan?

I just checked out a guy at Starbucks and then realized that I had slept with him...this world is too small for my vagina.  Then, I acted so suave and ran away! 

And I wil clarify that I haven't had sex with that many people (and if you have, AWESOME, my vagina issues have kept me back), but I do like to talk about sex. I have only had 3 REAL one night stands....this one I mention, another one that happened in college that I DO NOT REMEMBER, and my proudest one, the one that just happened back in March when I was an absolute cougar (yum, men under 25 still got it....drool)....

That Girl

Oh lawrdy......the only person you didn't want to be in college was "That Girl."  "That Girl" did a lot of things that most girls didn't: peed in chairs in frat houses, pooped in boys' beds in summer sublets, fell down steep stairs at work while drunk and holding a cocktail tray full of drinks while wearing a mini skirt and no underwear, had a threesome with 2 sexually repressed metrosexuals during a summer long coke binge, showed up places uninvited crying about a broken heart and a seriously itchy and unsightly STD.

Now, surprisingly, none of the above apply to me.  They are just things I was fortunate to witness during college that made me feel better about being this girl and not "That Girl."

That is not to say that this girl didn't: pee her own bed once after drinking 2/3 of a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a very quiet weekend in the dorms when everyone else went on frat and sorority walkouts freshman year, puke on the regular after drinking Long Island Iced Teas that cost 75 cents, yell at innocent strangers for things they NEVER (accusing them of calling me fat was a big one) said, pass out while making out (I think we kissed) with a sociopathic politician which caused him to rob my home afterwards because his blue balls simply made him insane, lose my underwear at a bar regular's house and then see him at happy hour when I was working the next day...MORTIFYING, throw up on a friend's stereo and then accuse her of doing it, wake up nude next to a bottle of rum, a beer can, 2 Dave Matthews CDs, a bong and my alarm going off for 5 hours and then went outside to realize that my car had been stolen by the very man that would leave me in such a horrific condition, make out with a 40 year old bartender who still lived in a college town (and recently hid from me) and 2 of my friends while listening to a Styx record....like a record, I do not think he could afford a CD player, jump in the pool with all of my clothes on after being inspired by my best friend who already had jumped in holding a Louis Vuitton clutch, take topless photos with my friends all on one couch while wearing costumes after being amped up by the song "It's Getting Hot in Herre" by Nelly, pass out when the only boy in college who wanted to be my actual boyfriend, but didn't even go to my college, came into town after we went out on our first date because I drank 6 beers before the date because I was nervous and then drank an entire bottle of wine during it and then a few weeks later, I had the nerve to get so drunk at his sister's wedding (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!) that I couldn't remember even getting up to the room after the wedding, but I was told I took a nap in a chair during it......and how can we forget when I rubbed baby oil all over a very handsome boy (who sadly got the absolute shit kicked out of him and had to leave college he was so injured) on my living room rug and then slid around with him like 2 well oiled pigs until the sun came up.

I mean how is this better than the "That Girl" actions? It isn't.  Hypocrite city here.  And this, all this, is just the tip of the iceberg.  It is only the fried chicken of Old Country Buffet's spread. A nibble really in the hilarity and utter pathetic nature of my college experience, even though I wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad I am still here to tell you about it....

I was this girl to me, but so "That Girl" to everyone else.....and I didn't even know it.

One day, when this blog gets more than 2 views per day and someone actually comments, I do hope we can discuss some of the "That Girl" or "That Guy" stuff you all might have done.  Please feel free to share even if you don't read this until 2014.

Binge Free: Day 6

Hmmmmm.....today was less than the best, but it was still okay.....I had all three meals out as it was busy busy, I also got a bit overwhelmed thinking about what I had to do rather than doing what I had to do and ate pretzels and a granola bar for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I had them in my purse from 2010.  At least I am being mindful that I did it.  2,500 calories which included bagels, Thai food, and some pizza.  Not starving here. Sweet dreams, I fear that I am going to have another creepy sex dream and now that I said it, I bet it will be with Steve Buscemi or something...

Drunkorexic

Drunkorexia is another "new craze" that has been around forever.... I won't claim to be the founder, but I was definitely in the club for about 9 years (age 20 - 29)....I mean, you can't do the horrible things I did and said without some booze rattling the already messed up mind.

I started college a bit fluffy (word we like to call chubby in my circle) for me.  I was looking sleek senior year, but then I had a very bad accident summer before college which left me in bed isolating myself and drinking milkshakes.

Then, OY, the Freshman 40 happened.  I mean, I started college as a perfectly fluffy size 12 (up from a no-hipped 10) and ballooned to a size 16 by Xmas break.  This was brought to you exclusively by rounds at the dining hall (like 4 plates full at each meal as we later found out, the ring leader of the "eating team" was actually bulimic....R&F in college = TOTAL dumb ass), drinking every night, and pizza breadsticks at 3am (ROCK BOTTOM INVOLVED TEQUILA, BREADSTICKS, PEE, VOMIT, BED, ALONE).

ALSO, if you are going to college, invest $10.00 and buy a full-length mirror from Wal-Mart.  I did not have one in my college dorm room and I remember coming home on break and looking in the mirror and thinking "who is this person?" when I saw that I had eaten my former self.  Also, true story, my friends and I all got fat (I do believe I gained the most weight...WINNING HERE) freshman year and we developed this lie, this notion, that we weren't fat, it was actually the mirror's fault (fuck you, you, you, mirrrrrrooooorrrrrrrrr!).  The term "fat mirror" was coined to help us deal with our excessive fatness and I truly believed most of the time that I looked HOT, it was the fun house mirror at Express lying to me.

Did I digress again?  You know it!!!

Back to Drunkorexia......well, by summer going into junior year, I was done with the excuses.  I wanted to be a girl of the year 2000 and wear backless tops, show my nipples and sideboob, stuff myself into some black pants, and perhaps even a baby-tee that showed my navel.  I wanted to be my own version of She's All That, only my metamorphosis wouldn't be from nerd to hot, it would be from fat to thin.  Also and most importantly, I heard that someone who I considered a friend had nicknamed me something that had to do with a huge zoo animal.

So, I enrolled in WeightWatchers, just like Jessica Simpson.  Only I did it more than a decade before her, so I am cooler (actually, I LOVE her for real, so she is way cooler, always! I wish her weight loss as I know this all must be so hard for her and those daisy dukes are like a size minus zero and I was never ever a size minus zero).  Only my "version" of WeightWatchers involved eating as many zero points foods as I could (sugar free jello, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, diet soda) and then drinking my points.  So, I would eat 27 points a day made up of this: 2 points for egg whites, 0 points for sugar free jello and lettuce, and 25 points for green apple vodka.  WHOOOOOT! Get it girl, you can count!  I lost 39.5 pounds in just under 4 months and actually maintained that loss give or take about 7 pounds for the rest of college.  I also farted like a machine, reeked of asparagus pee, and got all my energy from Diet Cherry Pepsi and Parliament Lights.  I basically was Tara Reid.

After college, I did begin to eat as there were yummy restaurants to try and paychecks to not save.  Anytime I knew I would be drinking though (which was often), I restricted my calories to less than 500 or so in an attempt to get drunk really fast and have calories to soak up the booze with late night food (pizzas, say what!?).

Even though I am not down too much, I look so much better booze-free.  I am less puffy and bloated and I have eyes now, not just 2 little slits that rest in my face that are red and blood-shot.

I am so surprised that WeightWatchers never asked me to be an official spokesperson.....

Pet Peeve

My mind doesn't work like most people's.  Like most men's, I should clarify.

When you answer my questions, I will remember the details.  I will know your dog's name, where your sister lives, the school your brother attended for undergrad.  I am all in the details.  One reason why I love my bffs is because their minds works like this, too.  We have open conversations about each other's friends that we don't share as if we know them personally.  Truth is, most of these people, I haven't even met, we remember enough to be able to relate because we genuinely care.

I am talking to someone occasionally and he doesn't remember my details.  He continues to ask me the same questions, the questions I have already answered in detail and it's really starting to bother me.  I am very sensitive to this.  I hate to over-explain myself,  I have yet to meet a man who remembers my details.  Is this men or is this the men I seem to attract?  Because it shouldn't be that hard to remember some things if you were really that into me.....He's Just Not That Into You didn't just change Miranda's life, it also changed mine.

More Dreams

I woke up in the middle of the night again last night and I ate a few snacks....pretzels and cookies.  It is such an automatic reflex, it isn't even something I notice until I am in the middle of doing it.  I know how this whole eating at night thing started.....

When I drank to excess in years past, I would often wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated and when I mustered up enough strength, I would stumble to the kitchen and slam soda (always diet) and carby snacks, so I wouldn't puke.  Often the bubbles and bread helped and I would wake up feeling like shit, just not like total shit.  I always wrote these calories off as an absolute necessity (so they didn't ever count) because I mean, I would puke if I didn't eat them, so they were crucial (perhaps I shouldn't have been drinking to puketown....hmmmmmm)

Then, I was taking sleeping pills for a while when I first went on my anxiety medicine.  I am afraid of the dark (I still am, but I am working through it) and coupled with my anxiety, I went through a phase a few years ago when I didn't sleep for months....perhaps 3-4 hours a day max and it wasn't always at nighttime.  The good news, I had Bravo, Lifetime, MTV, VH1, Oxygen and my absolute favorite WE, so I could be constantly entertained by quality programming in the wee hours of the morning.

The sleeping pills, unleashed the eating monster in me.  Rooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr.  I would sleep eat and be just consciousness enough to not choke, but it wasn't fun and I stopped taking the sleeping pills very soon after I woke up with a half eaten Lean Pocket (meatball and marinara flavor, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) stuck to the back of my pajama pants. Reality check.

One of the advantages, there were a few, to dating Awful, was that I slept.  I slept because he had the side of the bed by the door, he had a security system, he owned several guns (many collectables and serious rifles), and he had a sure shot that could rival Annie Oakley.  I mean Awful did have some talent....he could have seriously shot a pea right through the middle from 50 yards away.  When I once saw him slay some birds, I had very mixed feelings of being impressed and being appalled. Contradiction he was, blue-blooded WASP democrat who killed baby animals....I digress, I digress again and again and again....

I can admit this now, one of the reasons I stayed with Awful was because his parents had a summer house, he had a boat, he owned a home in an expensive city, I slept.  I really slept, like black out slept sober, and it was something after years of not sleeping, that I really needed.  I do look forward to one day sharing a bed with a non-Awful because though I hate to snuggle and I am a hot sleeper (I like really cold sleeping quarters, cannot be confined by top sheets, and socks while sleeping is my version of hell), I do love the company of another warm body in a big cozy bed in a very chilly room.

My dream last night involved Dunbar from the Real World: Sidney.  It was brought to my attention that Dummy Bear (what all those cool MTVers call him) did some porn and I may have watched the clip (if you find it, SO NSFW obviously) and I will never get those 6 minutes of my life back even though sometimes (shhhhhhh) I do enjoy me some erotic film.  Being intimate with Dunbar in my dream made me feel like I was in college and whereas I like that feeling most of the time, I do remember being in some pretty bad sexy situations that I walked right into without knowing how to get out..one of them is that I was had sex with someone like on three separate occasions (I have been told) and I do not remember any one of those occasions.....I mean NOT good and I am SO lucky.

Being naked in my dream with Dunbar felt a bit like that.

Also, then I went to Starbucks in my dream and ordered a vanilla latte and forgot to say nonfat and then I thought they gave me whole milk even through I do believe the default is now 2% and then I never even got to drink that fattening delicious latte because my nephew came into my bed screaming "Rowseeeeeeeee" at 5am with really bad morning breath (I never knew 2 year olds can have terrible morning breath) because I must admit that I do a killer rendition of Ring Around the Rosie complete with a tickle-pickle (I made this genius up myself) breakdown that comes immediately after we all fall down.

Talent people, talent.

Binge Free: Day 5

I am exhausted....I am seriously going to bed in just a bit.  My sister and nephew are in town and I played with Little for a lot.  We have a really good time.  I have never been so into a kid in my life, I love kiddies, but playing with one for 7 hours straight and having it feel like a second, that is love.

Anyway, food....I ate a cool 1,800 which involved some pizza and cake and it was all yum, but when I started to feel a bit full, I stopped.  Proud here.  Nephew just got put to bed and is bawling and calling out Auwnteeeeeeee....Super Auwntee to the rescue!!!!!!

Night all.  All my peeps with babies, you all are tough, I admire you more than I ever did.

Private I

As I get older, I become more and more private.  Years ago, I thought I was an open book.  I aired all of my dirty laundry, personal misfortunes, and embarrassing mishaps the first time you learned my name.  I used humor as my armor.  I would call myself out first, so you didn't get the chance.....

The thing is that I only shared my bad or my brag.  I didn't ever share my truth.  I didn't tell you about how I was feeling, or my anxiety, or my inner fear of failure.  I think perhaps less than 10, maybe 6 people, know the real me, the deep me, the personal me, and none of them have ever been a man I dated.

I feel like I hit bottom last fall in order to rebuild myself.  I have done many things this year I am proud of.  I have rose to a few occasions and impressed many, including myself.  I feel so open lately, so ready to learn, so vulnerable.  I appreciate when I was told a few days ago that I did something rude because I am not self-righteous anymore.  I am not hiding behind my public self. I know years ago I would have not been able to take that criticism, I would have defended my bad behavior tooth and nail until the person trying to help me would have been forced to concede if they wanted to be my friend.

Awful wasn't private.  Well, he was actually.  He was the kind of over sharer that I was years ago, the kind I mention in my first paragraph.  He used self-depreciation as a way to guard himself, his true self, so people couldn't call him out on being rude, pompous, immature, short, or fat.  I now see that a lot of our friction was my desire to be real and find myself (something I do think happens to many between age 25-35, the quest for the "real me") and he was fine always being a joke.  He was fine being the person "so open" yet in reality so closed to ever changing, to every learning, to ever growing.

I do consider myself funny, but I am not a joke. Awful is.

Is The Only News Good News?

I wrote a post a few days ago about receiving other people's good news.  I also learned that I am not so good at it...someone shared good news with me yesterday and I really put myself in the moment and received their positivity with open arms and it actually made me feel better....weird...good work me.  My own negativity is my work enemy.

I just wanted to share this article which I found very interesting and on point.

It is very true that there are 2 sides to this debate and both need to be treated delicately.  There is a way to share good news and there is a way to openly receive it.  I am going to remember this as I know that when it is time for me to share good news, not everyone in my life will be in as good of a place (life comes with highs and lows) and I want people to be genuinely happy for me then, so I will do my best to be truly happy for them right now.

Think Pink

Like the rockstar.  I never liked Pink until very recently.  When she first came out, she felt too white trash (Real Housewives of NY really reintroduced this word back into pop culture) for me and she also looked just like this girl I worked with in college who I really liked, but my bff got into a fight with her mom (yes, her mom was like 15 years older than her and would attend college parties) and that always tainted Pink the artist for me because she made me think of the time my bff fought with a 35 drunk women violently and to this day, no one knows why they didn't get along....

I digress, naturally.  Well, these days, I really like Pink.  I view her as a person who can be in the limelight and not be stuck on being perfect.  Her tunes have a good beat and make you feel really strong and all girl power and rock a perfect 8 count for exercise class, thanks Pink!

I also like how Pink always makes fun of the Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian set (I spared Nicole Ritchie because I think she recently found her soul) and people always side with Pink....like these chicks are vapid confused lost little girls.....because being in the limelight is very delicate if you aren't tough.  Amanda Bynes, I am looking at you.  Thank you bff and MTV for not allowing me on the Real World.  Ready and Fading would have looked worse than Stephen who hit Irene on Real World: Seattle....I digress, again.

The other thing I like about Pink is her husband, Carey Hart. I have a thing for extreme sports guys....like I love me a tattoo sleeve (I really shouldn't because I am Jewish and Jewish people aren't "supposed" to have tattoos, perhaps mostly I have learned because Jewish grandmothers don't like them and in reality what they say is really the law) and a flexible man doing moronic things on board or bike is just sexy....like yum.  I like all the extreme guys (just not Shaun White because I don't like red hair yet I always date debatable red heads...)....I like Jonny Moseley, TJ Lavin, even Jesse Csincsak (I cannot believe I admitted that, DeAnna Pappas, you are a fool)....I even once made out with a very sexy extreme man who I promise to tell you about sometime.....epic night, Denver 2009, WHOOT!  I digress a third time....oy oy oy, I think Carey is cool because he lets Pink write songs about him and he is a good sport and that is the real key.....going with the flow.  I am happy Pink and Carey have worked it out, Willow Hart is lucky even though she shares the same first name first as Willow Smith (whip that hair!).

Gaga for Gaga

I have always liked me some Gaga.  For a variety of reasons, but mostly because she has always owned her reality, yes the very weird reality she has created for herself, it is 100% hers....

Now, she has put on some poundage.  About 25 lbs on her little frame.  And you know what, she owns it.  She put it on by eating, by eating pizza and pasta.  Shit happens.

It puts it all into perspective.  When you "so what" something, it becomes less of a big deal.

These Are My Confessions

I'm not Usher.

No, for real, I did get up in the middle of the night and eat some cookies mindlessly and then I stuffed a few chocolates in and then I didn't rebrush me teeth and then I woke up drooling chocolate.  It happened.  I logged the calories, 370.......and I have moved on.  This is an accomplishment in itself.  I am not going to be all or nothing anymore.  370 calories will not define the final results in a year....baby steps, one bite at a time.  It all went into my calorie tracker as "Late Night Snack Attack."

Perhaps I woke up and needed some sweets because I had a sex dream about Ted Danson.  I mean, WTF?  I never even considered him sexy, but after last night....whew, silver fox rocked my world.  He has very strong shoulders and hands if you are wondering.  He is also tall (in my dreams), lives in a rustic Colorado home, with beautiful showers, a kind size bed with bedding so soft you may be rolling around in a cloud, toilets that talk and wash your lady parts, and a full-time security staff lead by Mase (like P Ditty's former sidekick from 1998).....Also, I dreamt about Friends Ted Danson, not Three Men in a Baby Ted Danson, and not current Ted Danson who is starting to look a little too much like my dad for normal purposes........and gag.

Tumble and Fall (and Why My Bro-in-Law Truly Bothers Me)

One of the worst things I ever did........oy, it is so hard for me to admit......was push my sister down the stairs.  I could have hurt her.  I could have paralyzed her.  I could have killed her.

You see, many years ago, I was in a much better place from the outside in than my sister.  I had a corporate job, I was making good money, I had tons of friends, I had a nice apartment, an awesome roommate, I had possibilities.

My sister, she was stuck.  She was broke.  She was trying to follow her dreams.  She was confused. She was mending a broken heart.  She was pretty much where I am now.  I am sure it must have been really hard for her to wake up each and everyday when everyone else seemed to have everything she didn't.

On the night of the push, I was out with my friends.  It was a Friday.  I was drunk.  I was actually wasted.  I had had perhaps 6 drinks and 8 shots over the course of the evening and I was not the person to call when you needed help, but I am her sister, who else should she call?

My sister had been robbed.  Now now, don't get all worried.  My sister lost her wallet, got robbed, or misplaced items of life importance: phone, keys, ID, herself....on the regular.  She had just moved to a new less expensive place and hired some painter off of Craigslist to spruce up the walls. Robber Painter painted her place the ugly green and purple she requested and then he came back when she was at work after she overshared her schedule and took her TV, her toaster, and some of her plastic furniture.....honestly, there was nothing to steal.  Now, she needed my help, my drunk help, in the midst of my almost regular Friday night blackout.

When I arrived, staggering, we got into a fight.  I told her she was dumb for being robbed and she told me I was drunk (I was WASTED) and then we said all the things only sisters know to say to really push buttons and get the blood boiling:

Sister: Why are you so fat?

R & F: Why are you such a loser?

Sister: Why are you an alcoholic?

R & F: Why do you have no friends?

Sister: Why don't you ever have a boyfriend?

R & F: Why can't get get a real job?

Sister: Why do you try to be this person you aren't, why can't you see how fucked up you are?

R & F: PUSH

Darkness.......

I could have seriously killed my sister.  She fell down a steep flight of stairs.  The service stairs outside of an apartment building. I am so lucky, god I am so lucky, I believe in angels and they were there that night knowing my sister, my family, they shouldn't have to suffer this because of me.  I will always view this as my real get out of jail free card.  Her life could have been so different......

I was spared.  I was fucking spared.  She barely had a scratch.

I really stopped the destructive drinking after that.  Do I still drink occasionally?  Yes.  Did I ever get violent like that again?  No.  But the truth lives here and I did push Awful a few times, mostly when I would bring up marriage drunk and he wouldn't directly answer my questions.  OMG, I am as cliche as a Lifetime movie........Guilty as charged.  I do have a drink from time to time, in the right company and usually out of town and I enjoy it and I know when to stop, so I will give myself a pat on the back as we all know me and food....yeesh, not so good.

Truth, I mostly hate my brother-in-law because he brings up this incident a lot.  I know he is married to my sister, but this incident happened 4 years before he ever met my sister.  I just feel like it isn't really his story to bring up.  This is how he brings it up:

Sister: What do you want to order for dinner?

Brother-in-law: Sushi

R & F: Pizza

Sister: Let's get pizza.

Brother-in-law: Why don't you push your sister down the stairs.

R & F: Lump in throat. Tears spring to eyes.  Sushi is fine, I am really tired, I am going to take a little nap and then I go into the guest room and cry (my favorite hobby) into my pillow until my cali rolls arrive.

Every time he says it, it brings me back to that night.  The 15 seconds after I pushed her, drunk as shit, eyes still focusing, heart pounding, waiting for her to get up, to not be paralyzed, to not be dead.

Every time he says it, he makes me hate myself a little bit more, so that is why I really can't stand him.

Binge Free: Day 4

Whoooooot!  Day 4 is wrapping up.  1,450 calories consumed, feeling good!  Sweet dreams!

Please Don't Reappear

I had plastic surgery.  To improve my stomach.  I like the results.  I really feel like my body looks better, more proportional.  I was always asked when I was due, even when I was thin, since the procedure, never once. That in itself is a good thing for me.

I hate my body.   I really hate it.  But, secretly, like when I get naked and stand in front of the mirror, I kinda love my body.  I have great proportions, I have beautiful curves, I have a very sexy womanly frame, I look best naked in heels.  Underwear does nothing for me.  Just like Marilyn Monroe. When you have real curves, underwear digs in.

I hate my body because society and men in general have made me hate it.  They have made me feel too big, too tall, too masculine, they have questioned the stretch marks on my lower tummy or the cottage cheese on my thighs or my vagina, yes even my vagina, I have been vagina shamed.  It is clear that I am getting naked for the wrong men.

Awful paid for my surgery.  He also encouraged it.  This is something I have never told anyone.  He made horrible comments to me about my body on the regular and I stayed and I took it.  I took it because everyone I have ever dated has said shameful things to me about my body, so it almost felt comforting.  Like, this is what a man says to a woman.  I am starting to open up to the reality that men aren't really bad, I have just shared myself with bad men.

The problem is I pick the wrong men, I have JUST come to this conclusion yesterday.  I know good men exist...my friends have found them and even my bro-in-law isn't THAT bad....we just have stuff we need to work on, but, the root of who he is isn't dark like Awful's.

I always think this about some of my past client mistakes:

"If you deal with stupid people, you get stupid results."

So clear when I think about Awful.  Also, another quote I really like that applies to my choice in men:

"The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Awful emailed me yesterday wanting me to pay him back for the surgery.  It was a gift.  Payment was only requested after I moved out and I don't think I should have to give him anything.  Truthfully, I was going to pay him.  I really was.  I lay down and shut people up sometimes by doing what they ask.  I hate conflict.  But then, but then I thought about it.  I am not giving Awful anything without a fight because he is not pure of heart and because he pretty much forced me to do it in the first place.

I did something new with Awful.  I let him know how much he hurt me in a very long winded email below.  You see, up until this point, I was trying to be cool and easy breezy and not crazy and not damaged and all the other stuff I do to try to protect myself.  I was trying to seem so successful, so busy (which I am), so sexy, so strong to Awful to make him jealous, but, I mean if you have read anything here, it's clear that inside, I am broken.  So, I decided to REALLY let him know how I feel. What do I have to lose?  I am still single.  I am still hurt.  I am barely hanging in here.  I mean, I will show him in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10....but, right now, nothing is going to be BAM.  I will make him get his, you heard it here first, but I have to do it by being MY best self first.

The good news is that he hasn't responded yet, which means he probably won't.

Here is my response:

If I haven't previously made myself clear, I will restate that I hate you. I hope that you know this. We will never be cool, we will never be friends. Sorry, I may have walked out on you, but you wasted my time and you broke my heart. I'm still dealing with putting myself back together here, you took advantage of me and my desire to be married. 

When you decide to be honest with yourself, perhaps you will see my point of view. Perhaps you never will. I
will never know why I moved in, why I didn't break up with you that first october. I saw you for the liar you were and I stayed. I wanted you to save me even though you are drowning in your own life, your own confusion, your own little man syndrome, and the desire to be the man you will never be, a good one.

2 fucked up people do not make 1 normal relationship. 

Let me tell you this, let me be honest with you here, I'm not doing well. I'm just not. Please respect that I really need you to stay away from me. I'm asking you this rather seriously. Please. What happened with us, the disappointment I'm still feeling, it's something that isn't just a quick fix. 

I am not feeling like I want to give you a cent and this is why: I only did the procedure because you made fun of my body because you called my stomach "the stormy sea" because you grabbed it when I asked you not to because you made me feel bad for having it. When you offered it, I accepted because I felt like you were pretty much telling me that it would make me into the person I should be for you. It haunts me that I risked my life to be beautiful for you and then you still made comments and told me I wore unflattering fat girl clothes.
You wanted me "skinny and hot" and I tried, but I couldn't be because you made me miserable and food was my only happiness. Will anyone ever really accept me for the person I am? For my flaws? For those few extra pounds and bad outfits? I accepted you with ALL of your flaws. I only nagged because you treat life as something disposable and I don't. 

All I ever wanted was to be pretty for you. All I ever wanted was your acceptance and approval. I wanted you to make good on what you promised me from day one, to not make me wait, to know I didn't deserve to be with someone who hesitated. I wanted to be a wife, a mom, a part of my own little place and family. When you are everything to everyone, the only person that loses is you, Awful.

You used me. You manipulated me. You disrespected me. You lied. You took total advantage of me. Deep inside I think you know this.

I will pay you back when you pay me back for the mortgage payments I paid towards your home, for the dinners I cooked, for the gifts I bought for your friends. I will pay you back when you apologize to my family for lying about the promise you made and the only reason why I ever dated you, when you pay me back for the 1.5 years of a gym membership I paid for you that you never used, for the therapy I am seeking to put myself back together because you lied to me.  I will pay you back when you give me back the hours I spent with your friends and family faking it, the hours I spent laden with worry when you went off drunk into the night and couldn't get your phone.

You never loved me. You think you did, but you didn't. You loved yourself. If I meant anything to you, you would have driven the 12 miles to LA and made things right with my family. You would have bought me a ring, you would have fought for me. You wouldn't have fucked the first stranger who spread her legs for you, you wouldn't have told me about Mary, or sent me photos from Tyler's wedding. If you ever loved me, you would know the real me, the sensitive me, the sad me, and you wouldn't want to hurt me while you moved on with you life at my expense.

If you ever loved me, you would have tried to be a respectful and kind person. But, the flaw here is that you will never be any of those things. You aren't a nice person and you never will be.

You are rich and you have a trust fund. We both know this. You have tons of money. You have more than I ever will.  You didn't work for this money, you were born with it, a few thousand dollars means nothing to you, it's the monthly interest payment you get for waking up, for breathing.

When I paid you the rent, I often found my checks, the money I worked hard for, crumpled under the bed or in your nightstand drawer. If the money was important to you, you would have respected it. That money represented power. You had all the power, I was your pawn.  The checks represented your power over me, your ownership. 

Now, please. Please let me live. Let me breathe. Don't pop up again. Please. I need you to understand how much I can't do this anymore. Please.

And I hope he stays away forever.

Binge Free: Day 3

Three down.....1,300 calories, not too hungry today.  Off to bed, if I wake up in the middle of the night,  I have grapes ready to go as I may be starving in a few hours...Sweet dreams!

Instant Gratification

I am all about the easy fix, the miracle, the it happened when I wasn't even trying.

Well, I got on the scale today because I get on the scale most mornings to try to convince myself not to binge and well, there was a loss!

I am down 1 pound and I am feeling very good.

I know what you must be thinking....SHUT UP BITCH!  It's water weight, you haven't had your coffee, you made a poopie....no, people, this is for real because I have been stuck at the same exact number hell or high water for 3+ months because I was eating something like 2,700 (on good days) to 5,000 calories a day.  I will say, I am lucky that I could eat this many calories on the regular and stay at my very high weight and not gain (I do workout hard, so I bet this helps)...it was staying at the very high weight and not going over it, that was somewhat encouraging me to continue this hurtful behavior.

So, I am on my way down.  A journey I have made so many times before.  Only, this time, I am thinking, I will never see that number again.  I have never thought that before when I lost weight, I only thought, "I will be so hot when I am thin", "I will buy new jeans in a size 29", "I will tell the guy that called me fat to fuck off."

Time time, I am making the trip for me.  This is for ME.  This is for my mind.  This is so different.

Half Truth

I just found out that someone I know and care about is having a baby.  It is truly wonderful news.  I am very happy for her.  She has had a few very shitty years and she deserves this goodness more than anyone I know.  Congratulations.

What I don't care for pertaining to this news is that since I am single and of a certain age, people, my own family especially, keep this sort of thing a secret from me.  I am last to find out about engagements, pregnancies, divorces even...because I am single and because I am single with a still a little bit broken heart.  I am not sad that I am not with Awful.  I am actually quite happy.  I am just bitter and frustrated at myself because I wasted so much time and energy on a clown with no chin definition.

My relationship status makes me a leper.  I get treated like I am different....people whisper, doors close during certain conversations, emails are sent that I am not copied on.

People have children, the lucky ones do.  I mean, it kinda makes the world go round, the whole birth and death thing we have going on.

You can tell me, I promise I won't cry.  But, if I find out in innocent conversation 2 months after everyone else, there will be tears.

AN UPDATE:

Someone I love and respect very much just offered me fantastic feedback regarding this post.  She told me that I rolled my eyes when she tried to tell me some exciting life news that had to do with her....I mean, I am frankly unaware of the fact that I am an eye rolling asshole.  But, you want to know something?!  It all makes sense.  Perhaps, people are keeping secrets from me because I react to their good news like a total moron and I make them feel bad for having good news.  Oy.  By the time I have any good news to share pertaining to my own life, there will be crickets.....I will have to go out back and confide in the garbage dumpster because I won't have a friend in the world to share in my excitement.  

I am writing here to get over myself.  To acknowledge my issues.  To become better.  To shed my layers.  Today has already been a VERY good day because I have learned.  It isn't all "whoa is me."  I am getting back what I am giving back.  Just like I just promised my best friend when she commented on this post directly to me, I appreciate the feedback and I will work on being better.  I made a mistake and I was wrong.  My actions influence my life.  I want people to tell me their good news because genuinely, I am happy.  I am SO very happy for you.  I am just a bit jealous and jealously brings out the ugly in me. Thank you bff for being so honest, that is what real friends do.  I don't hate happy, I actually love it. 

Robbing the Cradle

I am getting to the point where I will have to date a younger man.  The men my age who have never been married seem to be insane.  I am old enough to be the same age as insane single men....sweet.

I do think that my best bet may be snagging a man a few years younger that actually wants to get married rather than a man my own age who isn't too sure.  I tried convincing someone Awful to marry me and I'm not all that convincing.

I think Taylor Swift and her Kennedy are a weird couple.  She is WAY too old for him, I mean 22 and 18 aren't like 30 and 26, it is more like 4 and 0 or 12 and 8 or 16 and 12.....there is a big difference.

I mean, he IS in high school.  Albeit, a very fancy private prep school, so he may be way mature and not a virgin, but he is still not even able to drink legally in a bar.....screw John Mayer.  All of the women he has ever dated, date the weirdest guys after they escape from him.....Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy, Jessica Simpson and her weird fiancé who she got really fat with, Jennifer Aniston and Justin T.....Taylor and Baby Ken(nedy)....I rest my case.

Special Needs

A few weeks ago a friend asked me if I wanted to be set up with her friend's brother.  Sure.  I love me a set up.  Brother had great details: tall, Ivy League, Jewish, businessman, family money.  Done and done.

Brother wanted to see photos, I sent some.  Then, crickets.

I called my friend, so sure that Brother rejected me because of my weight.

R & F: So, what is the deal with your friend's brother?

Friend: Um.....wellllll....

R & F: Um, well, what?  Seriously, am I too fat?

Friend: YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!!  It's not that.  It's just...

R & F: He got back together with his ex?  He met someone on Jdate and they are in love?  I'm not his type?  He is moving?  What!?  Tell me, I promise I can handle it.  I am queen of rejection.

Friend: I don't know how to tell you this, he is retarded.

R & F: He is retarded?

Friend: Yes, like something is wrong with him, like seriously wrong with him.  His sister told me that he is going to have some serious tests to figure it out.  They think that he may have always been retarded, but they never caught it before.

R & F: I am so confused.  Is he depressed?  I can handle that, no problem.

Friend: No, I told you, he has special needs.  He isn't who he appears to be, he is retarded.

R & F: Well, tell him to call me anyway.  I mean, at least he is tall.  You can't have it all.

Crossroads

I saw Awful's motorcycle tonight on my way to an appointment.  I knew it was his, it is a very distinct motorcycle.  I got a bit sad for a second and then a profound thought came to me......the motorcycle was parked outside of a bar.  Awful was at a bar, becoming the person he wants to be for a few hours; telling lies, impressing strangers, buying shots, and picking up tabs with his trust fund.

Later tonight, Awful will climb on the machine and put his life and the innocent lives of others at risk when he navigates his way home drunk as shit. He thinks he is untouchable, he thinks he is special, Peter fucking Pan.

You would think that Awful would learn.....he did total another motorcycle driving drunk last summer.  Of course, it wasn't his fault, it was mine.  I was the one that wanted him to come home at 4:00 am.  I am the crazy one.

I know he is going to get hurt eventually, trust me, I know.  I have tried to convince him that he is only a person, he isn't invincible.  He is no better than his friend who died of a terrible accident drunk out of his mind last winter.  Life is fragile, it isn't permanent, don't fuck with reality.

You can't change a man.

Binge Free: Day 2

1, 600 calories.  No binges.  I may be getting the hang of this.  It wasn't easy, but it's not impossible.

Nervous Flutter

I have really terrible anxiety.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot manage it alone.  My best years I was on anxiety medicine and I stopped taking it because people (Mom and Awful Ex, both who may benefit from meds) judged me for needing them.  Yes, I care about what people think and let their words determine my actions....what is wrong with me?!

As Day 1.5 of binge-free me continues, I just had a very huge realization.  I have been using food since I went off the anxiety medicine to cope.  I have been using food to pull me through the darkness.  Food has been my light and then I gain weight and then I get sad and mad and raw and I am trapped in this very bad cycle of self-hate.

I am seriously shaking here while I type.  I am trying to avoid the kitchen and actually work which is hard sometimes because work can overwhelm me and give me more anxiety....

But, I picked up the phone a bit ago and I called my doctor and I scheduled an appointment.  I need to stabilize myself.  I need to be able to leave the bed.  I need to not stuff crackers in my mouth in the same fashion that Cookie Monster eats cookies (only I swallow my carbs and Cookie's fall to the floor....I would be so much thinner if I didn't ingest....).

I am having some clarity and it feels good.

Quality NOT Quantity

I believe in a few nice things.  A few nice friends.  A few favorite places.

Life is simpler when you live it with the mindset of quality versus quantity.

Awful Ex believed in treating your "nice things nice" like any blue-blooded WASP should.  His family owned beautiful antiques, treasured heirlooms that they brought over on the Mayflower, and believed that a little hole in a cashmere sweater added character.  I appreciate this.  As a Jew, I can say, this nouveau riche bullshit is getting old.

I have stopped shopping at Forever 21 and H&M.  I am not young.  I should be able to afford a few nice things to wear.  My life is so much easier now that I own clothes that fit, look tailored, and are perfectly suited for all of my destinations.

I have never believed that tons of friends brings tons of happiness.  This was a huge issue for Awful and me.  He sees the good (or how he can personally benefit) from ALL social situations.   He would rather hang out with a murderer than be alone.  I find spending time with people I hate to be exhausting.  So much so, that if I feel like I really don't care for you and you want to be my client, I make it very hard for you to book with me.  I just know that down the road, I am saving us an awkward conversation.

There are 6 friends in this entire world that I truly love and care about.  I am deeply grateful for this.

Just Do It

Get on the email.  Reply Back.

Listen to the voicemail. Call Back.

Check all the text messages.  Send a Message Back.

Why can't I function?  Why is this so hard for me this week?

My Sister, My Self

I love my sister to infinity and beyond.  She is perhaps the most awesome person ever.  We weren't always so close.  We were soul sisters from baby to age 14 and then high school tore us apart.  We reconnected in my mid-twenties, every day we didn't stay in contact, makes me sad now, there were so many opportunities for great times that we missed because of petty bullshit.

I am my sister's shadow.  Everything that has happened to her, happens to me, eventually.  Our age break makes it possible, she conquers something and then I fall into the same exact sand trap that she fell in.  We are so different, so our escapes are not the same.  A man saved my sister, I think I will have to save myself.  I am far too complex to be saved by a man, even though it's clear that I am not opposed to it.

My sister moved a few years ago for her husband and my heart hurts a little every time I think of how much I could use her company on a daily basis.  I have very few friends where I live.  That is not to say that there aren't people around that want to be my friend, there are.  That is not to say that I don't have a few wonderful ladies that I love very much close, I do.  Everyone is simply in marriage and baby mode and I try to keep my distance a bit, because I don't feel too comfortable over-sharing my life and attempts at success anymore.  I will share when things have already happened, not when nothing has been determined.

It is hard for me to write this, but I feel like it is time.  I think my brother-in-law is an asshole.  That felt SO good.  I think he is a twat.  I think he is a real schmuck.  I think he will never allow my sister and me to have the kind of relationship we had before him.  This makes me sad.

I understand why my sister likes him.  They have the cutest kid too, like my nephew is amazing and strangers on the street will agree.  He is adorable.  He is brilliant.  He is super animated.  It sometimes shocks me that he is half my brother-in-law.

I really dislike my bro-in-law because of the way he speaks to my sister when they fight.  Please people in relationships, LISTEN TO ME!  Do not fight in front of your friends or your family because we will judge you and we will hold a grudge and we will have a hard time believing that things are okay even when they appear to be if you fight terribly in front of us.  My brother-in-law said some things to my sister in the heat of the moment that I did not feel he had the right to say.

These were the mean things that I say to her, sister jabs, not husband jabs.  And then even worse.  Attacking her character and the very life they decided she would have.  Making fun of her education and her intelligence.

It is just something I can never forget.  My sister stood up for me to the high school bully the one year we were in high school together.  She showed up 7th period when Ashley Simmons was going to kick my ass during my free period and she fought her with words.  Ashley was always nice to me after that.  My sister had my back and now I feel this carnal emotion to have hers.

Do I think my sister is happy?  Yes.  Do I think my bro-in-law loves her?  Yes.  Do I wish she married someone else?  Yes.

I keep my distance a bit because he makes me hate myself.  He makes fun of me and where I am in my life, he didn't know my sister when she was much worse.  She had climbed out of her deepest sand trap by the time they had met.  He hardly knows her at all, but he knows exactly what to say to hurt her, so he obviously knows her much better than I will ever know.

I am most sad because I can't be the Aunt I want to be.  I can't make surprise trips and send gifts and Skype.  He doesn't like me and he will win.

Mindset

I am all or nothing.  There is no in-between with me.  You are either in or out.  I am either fat or thin.  Happy or depressed.  Surrounded or alone.

Food is hard for me because I am either counting every single calorie or eating and binging with reckless abandonment. My mind has no middle ground.  I am either munching on baby carrots or stuffing a Big Mac into my mouth....

I am going to be mindful, well I am going to try.  I want to actually listen to the voices in my head and allow them to guide me.  I eat my feelings because I don't like to deal with them.  Eating has been my way of coping and now I am ready to actually work out the kinks and move on.

I don't want to be a sad lonely depressed person, it isn't a good look on anyone, especially on me.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I wish I never dated the Awful Ex.

I wish I was better with money.

I wish I could maintain a healthy weight for a bit longer than just a few months.

I wish I wasn't single.

I wish I didn't live where I do.

I wish I wasn't afraid of what other people think of me.

I wish I wouldn't have stayed at the job I hated for as long as I did.

I wish I would have seen the world by now.

I wish I would have traveled abroad in college.

I wish I wouldn't have drank so much in college and I would have been a better student.

I wish I would have picked a major that offered better job security and pay.

I wish I would know what being in love really feels like.

I wish I could be 28 again.

I wish my sister didn't live so far away.

I wish I liked my brother-in-law and thought he was a nice person.

I wish that when I am 40, I will look back at my 30s and be proud of the decisions I made.

Procrastinate

I can't stop procrastinating.  I have so much work to do, yet I can't get out of bed.  Minutes glide by into hours and days turn before my very eyes.  I am still laying flat on my back.  I am fighting my way out of bed, from the safety of my covers.  It is time to face my reality, I know I will feel better.  Bonus, when I get up, I get to eat!

Make a Wish

I made a very special wish last June and I hope it comes true.  I wished for clarity and happiness and a soulmate.  I don't expect for all my wishes to come true, but if I could have clarity, I do think I may be able to figure out the rest.

Save Me

Sometimes I dream that I am saved by a man.  That I get to escape from my reality because I am everything for someone.  This man has financial independence, he has a glamorous job, he has a few nice things, but really, he is a very kind person and he wants me in his life forever.

This man takes me far away and helps me grow my business.  I get to move away and have my own life and he likes my friends and we visit often.

Once in a while, I wake up from this dream and for a minute, I feel like he is in the room, in the bed with me.  Then, my eyes adjust and I know that it is just a dream.  I am still stuck, I am still alone, I am still crawling my way out of hell.

The Absolute Truth

If you think you know me, you probably don't know me well.  I am NOT who you think I am.  I am not the person I appear to be.

I seem friendly and outgoing, but I fight my own social anxiety each and every day.  I prefer to be alone than to be with other people.  People zap my energy.  I would so much rather stay in than go out.

I seem confidant in my skin, but I hate my body, especially my upper arms, my second chin, and my inner thighs.  I wish I was 30 pounds thinner, I am currently obsessed with it.

I seem to be interested in what you are saying, but I probably could care less.  I sometimes fight myself to stay in the moment, but my mind is always wandering.  I hate stupid self-obsessed people and sadly most people are stupid and self-obsessed.  Don't feel bad, I am self-obsessed, too.  My own thoughts are too much for me to handle, so please don't be offended.  I just realize that this is disgusting and I hate myself for it.

I seem to be helpful and always willing to do a favor, but I am getting sick of continuing to do things for other people when no one seems to ever help me when I ask.

I seem to be tough, but I am actually not.  I cry about business, I cry about people saying mean things, I cry when things don't go my way that I cannot control.

I seem to be a real man eater, but I haven't been out on a date in months and I cried over the last guy I dated more than a few times when he poofed on me even though I may have been even less attracted to him than I was to the Awful Ex and I couldn't imagine ever getting naked with him....like I just got regrossed out thinking out it.

I seem to be really in control, but I have a horrible and ugly temper that I work very hard to control with exercise, sleep, and a huge dose of alone time.

I seem to be happy, but I am actually quite depressed.  I want to be satisfied and secure and content, I just don't know if I every will be......

Sob Story

I cry ALL the time.  I cry when I am sad.  I cry when I am happy.  I cry when I am tired.  I cry when I am angry.  I cry when I am scared.  I cry when I am lonely.  I cry when I am overwhelmed.  I cry when I am frustrated.  I cry for the people I love.  I cry for the person I hate.  I cry ALL the time.  I just can't help it.

Fat Passing for Thin

I did not make this statement up.  Stephanie Klein over at Greek Tragedy did and I remember reading this entry years ago when I was not working at work when I should have been.

I remember thinking, I am fat passing for thin!  At this time in my life, I was thinner than I am now.  I was living by myself most of the time, I was compulsively working out, I was eating sporadically, sometimes only candy and diet soda, but I was skinny for me and I was happy.  I was also firm in the realization that this thin wouldn't stick.  I was skinny because I was focused on it.  I was determined to be this way at least for a little while.  I was starving for a man.  I was hoping to attract one with my body.

And I did.  I attracted an asshat.  I attracted the Awful Ex.  He preyed on my insecurities.  He saw me for who I was, a fat girl passing for thin.  He knew it was smoke and mirrors.  He felt my hunger and he fed me.  And I became fat again.  I became a fat girl longing for thin and 3 years later I am still this girl.

I don't want to long to be thin anymore.  I don't want to pass for it temporarily anymore either.  I want to actually be a normal healthy weight for life because I know I can be.  Screw thin, I just don't want to be fat anymore.  

Binge Free: Day 1

It is the end of Day 1 of my binge-free spree.  I am going for 30 days in a row starting with Day 1, today.  I don't think I will never have a set back, I know better.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I don't think I will always have perfect days, I know better.  Food is my best friend, sometimes my only friend.  I like to isolate myself often.

I will say that I tracked all of my food today and that I am not hungry.  I ate around 1,400 calories today and I am fine.  Do I want a cookie?  Yes, of course I do.  But, I am not hungry, I am actually just tired and thirsty, so I am going to get some water, take my contacts out, and hit the hay.  I plan to get to bed early, so I can wake up early and eat work, because I have lots to do and I have taken the last few days off without telling my clients.....I need a break from time to time, but I have to succeed.  It is time to actually DO something and not just TALK about doing it.

Cat Marnell

I am oddly fascinated by Cat Marnell.  I love me a good drug story.  I have been captivated by a few great addiction memoirs, my favorite of late is More, Now, Again: A Memoir of Addiction by Elizabeth Wurtzel.  I couldn't put it down on a recent vacation....it spoke to me.

I realize that like these gals, I also have a serious addictive personality and I am constantly teetering on the edge of truly going over....my personal need of self acceptance is the only thing that keeps me upright.  Cat Marnell says that she is going to write a book and I really hope she does, I will be first in line to buy it.

I find Cat to be cool for many reasons I am not: she lives in NYC, she is open about ALL of her issues (she wasn't always, but now she is!), she is beautiful, she is skinny (too skinny, like sickly skinny, but she is scared of being fat and will not allow herself to get past a certain weight), she has awesome clothes, she hangs out with lots of cool accomplished artsy people (many also fellow druggies), she does not care about what anyone thinks, she is borderline famous, she has ridiculous beauty protects and gets them for free, and she lives a life that she seems to have little regret about. She is so glam, I kinda want to be her, but without all the addiction because I know how much addiction sucks.

Cat wrote for XOJane before she eliminated herself and you can really discover her voice and personal struggles at Vice where she writes a column that may be done here real soon, I hope not, but sister needs time to finish that book I mentioned.

All of a sudden, Cat has become rather famous and I am not the only person oddly intrigued. I try to separate my emotions....am I jealous of her, or is this all fun at her expense?  I have yet to figure it out, but I will say I do a daily google search about her and I am always happy when something new comes up......I wish her all that she wants in this world, whatever that may be.

The internet surely enables a girl crush, even one on the opposite coast.

A World Without Men

I am not a lesbian, but I would be fine living in a world without men.  I know this is a crazy statement.  I know this is because I am bitter.  I know that lesbians like men and most likely want them on earth, even if they don't want to sleep with them.

Men always ruin my happiness.  Men take my friends and my sister away from me.  Men become all my friends care about because these men become their husbands.  Men become who I guard myself from, men make me censor my calls to the few people that support me because I know these men will never understand and all of a sudden I have become the "damaged, lonely, erratic, and crazy friend and sister" to certain people.  I know that this is all probably in my head (besides my brother-in-law who is very open with how cray he thinks I am and is honestly someone I don't always care for at this time in my life because he lacks sensitivity, perspective, and kindness and may have been a virgin before he met my sister...nothing against virgins, he is just inexperienced in life minus academic achievements) and I really do genuinely love all of my friends' husbands.

I am a few years away from a permanently single stamp and a few pets (I won't say cats because I know a few lovely cat ladies with hottie husbands).  I am a few years away from being dried up and infertile and I am protecting myself by convincing myself that I don't want to be a mom because I want babies very much and I can't face the reality that maybe it isn't in the cards for me.  Shhhhhhhhhhh.....I even have names picked out for my little ones, but I won't readily admit that anymore unless you are someone I consider a friend for life because it makes me too vulnerable.

Men determine the size I must be to stay attractive.  Men make my feet hurt because they like high heels.  Men have a power over me.  I have never been myself truly in front of a man.  I always form the words in my mind before they hit my lips when I speak to a man.

I am weak when it comes to standing my ground with men.  Much of this comes from being called fat by men growing up and not calling the chanters "ugly, short, fat, small dicked, or stupid" as I should have.  One personal insult for another.  There is nothing that I can do to ever really get over this....I have tried.

Being called fat is far better than being called ugly, right?  I was always fat, not fat AND ugly, it would have been far worse to not have had a somewhat decent face......All my life: elementary, junior high, high school, college, post college, while with the Awful Ex who was obese when we were together btw, I have been called fat by men.  Even when I was skinny for me.  I have never been called fat by a woman, well only once, but only when she was retelling a story about how a guy called me fat.....weird, right?  Am I only fat to men?

I would be fine living in a world without men, because I would wear all the styles men hate that I love: red lipstick, capris, off the shoulder t-shirts, high waisted skirts, tube tops, and fury boots.... and I would eat dessert after every meal and never censor my words and have my friends and sister ALL to myself!

I remember getting this lump in my throat and flutter of anxiety in my heart when the boys started to call over to the all girls sleepovers in 6th grade to gossip and rank us on a 1-10 scale (always 8 for face and 5 for body for me) and thinking...."go away boys, leave us alone, let us have our innocence" and I still feel this way about men sometimes.  I mean, do I want to share myself with one or should I pass?

Will I allow myself to be hurt by words again in order to have a man?  Or, will I be able to find the right guy for me, the one that allows me to help my friends, be a little chubby, and say stupid things on the regular?

The jury is still out on this.....

Getting Older

All of a sudden, I am no longer in my 20s.  WHAT HAPPENED?  Tell me.  All of a sudden, I feel grown, well kinda.  I was once young, so dumb, and so fancy free.  I was open with my time, I was open with my body, I was always available.  I got up each morning, I went to work, I spent time with people I cared about.  I don't remember thinking once during this time.  I know I did think.  I had anxiety, I had doubt, I was sad, I was happy, I was afraid, but what did I think about?  I must have numbed my thought process.  Surely I didn't think, or I wouldn't be in the place I am in now....right?  I mean, beyond deciding what I would wear or what I would eat, what did I think about?

How did my mind allow me to date the Awful Ex?  How did I ever justify dating a man I couldn't stand, a man I was never truly attracted to?  How weird the mind is, how much it plays silly games.  When the mind fights the heart, the heart will always win. 

Age has made me vain.  I am so vain.  Yet, I cannot stop eating.  How am I so vain, yet so hungry?  Pretty people don't eat, a pretty face is only a part of being beautiful, right?  The body is so much more important.  You learn this young when you are always told "you have such a beautiful face."

I have always liked an older man.  I feel like I can no longer attract one.  I am too old to attract a much older man.  Where is the irony?

I spend all of my money on anti-aging serums.  I make appointments with dermatologists, I promise myself trips to the gym.  I try to preserve myself, to erase all of the years of my personal damage...the sun, the smokes, the booze, the weight fluctuations.  I want to be beautiful for someone, I want to be beautiful for me.

I have been mistaken lately for a younger woman.  I got into a fight with someone at the checkout line about my age after I was carded when buying a bottle of wine for a friend...it was pure heaven.....I loved every second of it, even though the checkout lady was super rude.  Abuse me with questions about my age, I need it.

I fear I will be too old for someone, too young for another.  I fear no one will ever want me now that I'm no longer in my 20s.  What was so good about being younger?  Why do I long for a 2 before the second number of my age?  I must be getting older, because I seriously can't even remember.

A Few of My Favorite Things

1.  Coffee with real sugar, real cream, and whipped cream.

2.  Pizza.  Cheese pizza.  All kinds, all crusts, all mine.  Even cold.

3.  Real Coca Cola.  Cold, in a little glass bottle.  Runner up, Coca Coca Light, like the kind you get in Mexico.

4.  Red lipstick and Armani foundation.

5.  Pedicures.

6.  Old jeans that fit.  The kind that you dream about one day wearing again.  When you have put in the time required to possibly get back into them, announce to the empty room that it is go time and then when you put them on, they pass the ankles, they pass the knees, they pass the hips, and they button and can be worn for more than 2 hours at a time.

7.  Ice cream, premium, I'm over frozen yogurt.  Coffee and vanilla are a plus.

8.  Appreciative people.  People who offer thank you's and hugs and mean it.

9.  Helping.  Favors.  Being able to ask them in return because you already did them with a smile for others.

10.  Milestones: graduations, first loves, first jobs, weddings, baby showers, and even funerals when the person who passed had the opportunity to live a full life without regret full of their favorite things!

I Hate Dating

I want to be set up with someone.  I want that person to come highly recommended, to know that I am an awesome person before they ever meet me for real.  I want that person to have seen me from afar either at an event or in a photo, to have secretly longed for me, to already know my height in heels, to already know my dress size, to already know the dramatic sweep from my waist to my hips...I want to be able to wear my favorite dress and heels on our first date when my set up takes me to his favorite restaurant which is also mine and we share a bottle of wine we both enjoy (I don't drink much, but this is a SPECIAL occasion).

On this date, I want my set up to tell me how happy he is that I agreed to go out with him because he has always imagined this date and how lucky he is to be in my wonderful company.  I want to be set up because it is easy and I am all about instant gratification.

I hate rejection, therefore I hate dating.  I hate putting myself out there for all the world to judge me and to be told I am "too tall, too fat, or too loud."  I have been told I am all of these things by first dates and it is exhausting even though I have thought to myself that these suitors are "too short, too slight and lacking the necessity of shoulders, or too quiet."

I let the negative define my positive.  I am told compliments all the time, I really am.  People tell me that I am pretty, that they like the way I dress and smell, that I am funny, that I could have a reality show, that everyone always asks about me when I am not there...." But, I define myself by the negative, the few nasty comments directed at me and then I make them my absolute.  I then define myself as being "too tall, too fat, or too loud" because some total schmuck who will never know the real me, told me so.....

I am hiding.  I am hiding from my reality.  I am getting older, biggest, lazier, and more insecure because I am listening to my negative and forgetting my positive.  I want to be set up with someone because then I will know that he already likes me and he won't be able to say mean things on the first date.  If I get set top with someone who is already interested then I will have a better chance of not being rejected....this is seriously how my mind works here......this is so not good....