I am stuck.
Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.
I know why I am frozen in one place.
Because I am terrible at transitions.
I know I am leaving here in September and I have unfinished business to attend to before I depart.
I have clients to make happy, a body to get into a good place for me, and friends to support.
I want to do what I have to do, but I can't. Something happened work-wise this past summer and it scared me. I felt like a failure. I felt embarrassed. BUT, I learned from my mistakes. I will share the situation soon, I am finally feeling ready to write it all out and put the past behind me. It needed to happen. I feel it was the final door that needed to close. I felt mortified in front of people from my past, but I hate (hate is a strong word, not respect is more like it) them all anyway, so it was more that I put myself in a pit of stupidity that I always knew existed and I reached my threshold. I exploded and tears came out...oy.
I do have strep throat and a fever and have since Monday, the fever that is. My temperature is down to 100, so it is about to break, I can feel it. So, I have a little excuse, but part of working for yourself is simply the pleasure of emailing from bed in PJs sometimes.
I know it is the depression sneaking up on me and I have no reason to be depressed. No reason. I know I need to go to the gym and do a spin class and track my food and I will indeed feed better. Moving my body makes me grateful for having it. It is a gift. This darkness sneaks in once and a while and the only safe place for me is my pillow.
I have had a bit of business success. I have a boyfriend who is everything I wished and dreamed for. I have invitations coming in and accolades in favor of my work and dedication.
I am stuck because I am procrastinating. Because my confidence was ruffled, because I am ALL or nothing.
I have things that need to be done and I simply would rather be watching the Bad Girls Club and eating McNuggets. Both are bad for me.
I am so sure that I won't be here in a year that I feel like saying F**K IT and going on a long vacation somewhere with some great books. Telling clients to find someone else to help them....what is the point? This is SO NOT me, I promise, I love my job most of the time and I am finally getting pretty good at at.
I don't want to give up, I want to go out with a bang. Now is the perfect time to thrive, not fail.
I am going to make a mini goal for today.
Email and return all current emails in my work inbox before midnight tonight. I slept in super late, so it can happen.
It shouldn't be hard.
I know what I have to do. I am better than what I am giving out.
I came here to journal it to make it real.
It will all get done.
I will feel SO much better when it finally does.
I know this.
Everything needs to be completed, so I can continue working on myself.