Thursday, January 31, 2013


I am stuck.

Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

I know why I am frozen in one place.

Because I am terrible at transitions.

I know I am leaving here in September and I have unfinished business to attend to before I depart.

I have clients to make happy, a body to get into a good place for me, and friends to support.

I want to do what I have to do, but I can't.  Something happened work-wise this past summer and it scared me.  I felt like a failure.  I felt embarrassed.  BUT, I learned from my mistakes.  I will share the situation soon, I am finally feeling ready to write it all out and put the past behind me. It needed to happen.  I feel it was the final door that needed to close.  I felt mortified in front of people from my past, but I hate (hate is a strong word, not respect is more like it) them all anyway, so it was more that I put myself in a pit of stupidity that I always knew existed and I reached my threshold.  I exploded and tears came out...oy.

I do have strep throat and a fever and have since Monday, the fever that is.  My temperature is down to 100, so it is about to break, I can feel it.  So, I have a little excuse, but part of working for yourself is simply the pleasure of emailing from bed in PJs sometimes.

I know it is the depression sneaking up on me and I have no reason to be depressed.  No reason.  I know I need to go to the gym and do a spin class and track my food and I will indeed feed better.  Moving my body makes me grateful for having it.  It is a gift. This darkness sneaks in once and a while and the only safe place for me is my pillow.

I have had a bit of business success.  I have a boyfriend who is everything I wished and dreamed for.  I have invitations coming in and accolades in favor of my work and dedication.

I am stuck because I am procrastinating.  Because my confidence was ruffled, because I am ALL or nothing.

I have things that need to be done and I simply would rather be watching the Bad Girls Club and eating McNuggets.  Both are bad for me.

I am so sure that I won't be here in a year that I feel like saying F**K IT and going on a long vacation somewhere with some great books. Telling clients to find someone else to help them....what is the point?  This is SO NOT me, I promise, I love my job most of the time and I am finally getting pretty good at at.

I don't want to give up, I want to go out with a bang.  Now is the perfect time to thrive, not fail.

I am going to make a mini goal for today.

Email and return all current emails in my work inbox before midnight tonight.  I slept in super late, so it can happen.

It shouldn't be hard.

I know what I have to do.  I am better than what I am giving out.

I came here to journal it to make it real.

It will all get done.

I will feel SO much better when it finally does.

I know this.

Everything needs to be completed, so I can continue working on myself.

Here goes!!!!


  1. Not to worry, R&F... we all go through this when facing MAJOR change. Even old people like me. Wallow in it for a while, then go find a pad of paper...two columns. Little tasks you need to tackle building to big tasks in one column. Ultimate GREAT results in the other. Take one at a time... take a day off every once in a while and cherish your life with Crush...I'm rooting for you!!

  2. When I worked as a publicist, I was big into going into "stop" mode when something went awry. I've lived and learned in the last decade that backfires and the only one that loses out is me.

    It helped/helps when I have a definitive beginning, middle and end. You have your "end" date. See if you can work backwards and go from there. Knowing it's never ending maybe be some peace of mind. Also know that your clients are where your bread is buttered, so to speak, is important. You never know when you may need them again.

    I hope it helps.

  3. I agree. Major change comes with these types of side effects, but setting mini goals that are attainable is the way to go. Because it is all a vicious cycle and it won't make you feel any better if the inbox is still full of emails on Saturday morning.:) You have great things to look forward to. Maybe a tiny part of your formerly abused psyche doesn't think you deserve it and that causes the depressive state.

    And dude...coming down from a weekend with your love and have step throat. thanks a lot. that's no good.

  4. So much great advice! You can do this! Love you!


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......