Thursday, January 24, 2013

When I Fall in Love

I remember being a little girl and hearing the song "When I Fall in Love" by Nat King Cole on the radio late at night just before I fell asleep in the backseat of my father's car on the way home from my grandparents' house.  

Even then, I fantasized that one day, I would fall in love like this, so truly. I would dream about a magical time when I would dance with my future husband to this song and it would all make sense.....and now, 26 years later, it all does......


When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

I have never been in love before Crush.  I lived with someone for more than 2+ years and I just recently realized that I didn't ever love him.  I was in love with the idea of love, but I wasn't in love with Awful.  That is why I gained weight, was laden with anxiety, and fell into the worst depression of my life.  I couldn't get out of bed for 3 months other than to use the bathroom and binge eat.  I honestly contemplated suicide, that is how bad it got.  I couldn't really open up to anyone (including my best friends and family) because I was so confused.  If I admitted the truth aloud, it would make it real and I was ashamed that I had let it get this far. 

I cannot believe I just admitted that I thought about killing myself, but I did obsess about it for a few days before I finally found the strength to move out.  I tossed and tuned next to Awful (he snored like a bear and kept me up regularly) in the middle of the night thinking about how I would do it.  I reasoned that maybe ending my life would be the easiest way to get out of this mess.....we had friends in common, family involved, and I had quit my job with the notion he would support me while I started my business....I couldn't see past the next minute. 

One night as he slept snored, I went looking around the house for his guns, I just felt a compulsion to know where they were (he collected them and there were many under his roof)....While I scoured the house for the gun safe, my feet took me out back to the garage where I broke down and sobbed harder than I ever had in my life.....nothing was going to fix us.  It immediately dawned on me that I hated Awful as a person, I had no respect for him and I never did. I found him to be immature, unattractive, rude, loud, forgetful, a sayer not a doer, and a drunk.  He over promised and under delivered....he had all the qualities that I would never look for in a friend.  I dispised him, actually. 

I never went to bed that night and I collected my things and called my parents to save me the very next day.  How grateful I am for them.  

Upon coming back to my childhood bedroom,  it became crystal clear that being with Awful was making me turn into a stranger.  I couldn't identity with the person I became. A bad relationship can make you feel very unlike yourself. 

I wanted love so badly, so deeply, that I lied to myself and to Awful.  I have started to feel a bit bad about it, but don't worry, Awful didn't love me either.  It would have been different if he did and I am okay with this, it simply wasn't meant to be.  I don't know what is going on in his life, but I actually wish he finds what I have found with Crush.  He is a person that doesn't live in reality (I didn't either when I was with him), so I am not convinced he will, but I hope he does.  

I know that I am growing up and moving on because regardless of all the BADBADBAD that transpired between us (and I was no angel, we brought out the worst in each other), I am no longer angry.  I needed to date Awful to find Crush, this was my destiny.  

The lessons I learned along the way have only helped make this the most solid relationship of my life. 

When Crush and I started dating, it was different.  The "you just know when you know" saying about love is true.  I HATED hearing that when I was single.  HATED IT.  Upon the first time I kissed Crush, rode in his car, and took a nap on his chest, I never really had a doubt.  What we share is different, it is soul mate love, the kind of love one of my best friends explained I deserved and would have to wait for....she was right as always (SHE IS SO OFTEN RIGHT!). 

The love I initially felt for Crush, knocked me over like a tidal wave.  My body had never felt this romantic love before, this yearning, and this lust......I truly couldn't function for weeks.  I was love sick.  I couldn't eat.  All I could do was drink Coca Cola, coffee, and drive around listening to music.  I found my missing puzzle piece.  The key to my heart.  The secret I never thought I would discover.

I know I am a sap and I know sometimes this love mush must be annoying.  I know this.  I was the single girl who couldn't face attending a wedding alone, the person who ate entire pizzas instead of online dating, the chick who sobbed silently after leaving baby and bridal showers for her best friends because she was so conflicted....I was so happy for my friends, BUT, I was super sad and lost myself....

I was THE ONE who never thought she would have what everyone had found.   I was the one that pretended to love Awful because it was easy.  Because he liked me first.  Because he was established.  Because he is often the life (drunk) of the party.  

I got to the point where I didn't even think I wanted love was too exhausting, too hurtful, too time consuming, too emotionally draining. 

So, when I gush about Crush, I really want to share how important and crucial it is for every lady and gent (and ladies and ladies and gents and gents and everyone in-between) to never settle.  The showers and weddings and gifts and companionship and relationship acceptance (being invited to couply things that you are left out of as a single) means nothing if you are living a lie (like I did with Awful) and not being true to your heart and soul. 

The one for you will make you feel like no other, will make you gasp for air, will encompass you in this virtual blanket of warmth.   Everyone deserves this.  In your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and hopefully....100's.  

The race isn't won at a certain age, every day the race is just beginning.  When the sun rises you have the opportunity to do it all the same or different, the choice is yours. 

I am signing off for the next few days as my Crush is coming over the weekend to meet the family.  I have laundry to do, nails to paint, and legs to shave.  I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I will be back on Tuesday!

Thank you ALWAYS for reading and commenting, this blog and putting my feelings out there has changed my life for the better.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming to visit. 


  1. I am so glad you are feeling these feelings and hope this weekend is amazing. :-) And I rather like that you are a hopeless romantic!

    Your blog has certainly brightened up my days, especially on my long commute (feels like I have a friend with me now on the shuttle!). So please keep on writing and we'll keep on reading!

    1. I am totally a hopeless romantic! It was in there ALL along.

      THANK YOU!!!!!!! I will keep on writing, I am so happy you are reading!

  2. Having suffered from depression for the last 5 years, and trying to take my own life, I commend you for getting through that awful time. It's your strength that has brought you to where you are now...and the best is yet to come!

    1. Thank you and I appreciate it. Depression is the worst, just the worst. It will always be a struggle for me, too. I know this. I do my best to stay connected and strong, but you can't always help how you feel. The pull of darkness is strong sometimes. I wish you the very best.

  3. I cannot wait to hear about your weekend!!!! Don't be shy about the details...they're the best part!!!!

  4. I could have written this. Truly. You are an amazing person, and you never believe it until it happens! Sounds like Crush needs a new name :)


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......