Monday, January 14, 2013

Circle of Friends

I have a friend that I don't think is my friend anymore.

I am not sure she knows this.

I love my friends deeply, intimately, and fiercely.

In this case, I suddenly realized that over the last few years, I loved and cared about her more than she did about me.  I considered her a best friend and she considered me a friend, not even a really good one, perhaps.

Over the last year, we have had limited correspondence and I think she is in a good place for her.  I am in a good place for me now, too, but I do believe that she used my living at home as an excuse to not get too involved with me.  Like I was a leper or something.

I have never tried to sugarcoat my reality, I know it is weird to some, but I wasn't going to go into debt or stay in an abusive relationship to seem independent.  I failed at love with Awful and I came home, not that big of a deal.

Last year really defined who my real friends were.  There were a few people who carried me through my darkest times.  When tragedy strikes, you learn who really loves you.

Not too long ago, she made me feel really bad about being me.  The person who I am now AND the person I once was.  It made me very sad.  I have always wanted her to love me and I don't think she ever has.  More than anything, I know I am difficult, hard to be around for some, and perhaps not her type of friend, but I promise you, we once had a connection.

One night, when I was showing Crush photos of my best friends, she was in a shot from a few years ago.  I was quizzing him on the gals and he asked about her and before I knew it, the words, "well, she's not really my friend anymore" fell out of my mouth.  To admit it so freely really shocked me.  I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.  Then, I started to bawl.

He asked me why I was crying and I told him about the past year and how I needed so much, perhaps too much from people and some could and some couldn't help me.  I told him about how I felt alienated by her even though we live in the same place pretty much.

I didn't even realize how super sad I was about it until I told him and it felt good to acknowledge it, to move on, to admit it.....I wanted to be close to her and she didn't feel the same for me.  She rejected my friend advances.

He asked "well, would you invite her to your wedding?" (not that random, I qualify his friends this way and have asked him that question many times when he explains his relationships with people) and I hesitated for a little too long.  He replied, "that's a no...and I love you too much to allow you to invite anyone that wouldn't be happy for you."

The truth is that I know in my heart that unless things totally change, she won't be invited to my wedding because I fear that inside she may actually hate me.

Crush then said, "It's okay.  People change.  She doesn't understand you anymore.  You probably don't get her either.  Friends come and go, but it's family that you are stuck with.  That's why I plan to upgrade you from girlfriend to family we don't have to ever wonder what happened to.....?"

And then I fell a little bit more in love with Crush. 

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