Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Mortifying Date Story #3

I can probably get to 20 dates without really even thinking about it......OMG!

This date is a little bit sad rather than funny, but I have been holding it inside for quite some time and it is time to let it go.

3.5 years ago (OMG....I have been struggling with my weight this last time for over 3 years....REALITY CHECK!) I was feeling REALLY good about myself and my body.

I had fallen in love with Spinning class, my gym in general, and eating healthy.  I also hadn't started dating Awful yet.  I was living alone, dating casually (for fun, not marriage) and enjoying my own company.  I look back on these years fondly.

I was on Match.com and Jdate (Jewish dating site) at the same time and was going out with pretty much anyone that caught my attention....I hadn't made my list yet, so I thought I knew what I wanted, but for real, I had NO idea.

One day, I received an email from a very handsome man on Jdate.  He seemed okay, his profile was a bit bare, but he was educated and I related to the TV shows and books he listed as favorites.  He grew up in the same area as me in the Midwest.  We had some things in common.  We emailed a few times formally, had a quick phone conversation, and then decided to meet at a local sushi joint for dinner in a few days.

I dressed nicely for the date - dark jeans, a blouse tucked in, and a fitted blazer.  I wore flats as I am tall and height seems to be the first thing men lie about most when online dating.  I felt VERY good about myself, VERY attractive.  I was a few pounds less than the weight I hope to be again (158).  I was skinny for me and I had a swagger.  I felt myself being checked out while I walked the few blocks from my apartment to the restaurant.

I showed up at the restaurant right on time and waited for my date.  He texted and said he would be a few minutes late.  25 minutes later he arrived without an apology for his tardiness.  He walked right past me almost deliberately.... I was a bit confused and my heart started beating really fast, I felt that something was up and this wasn't going to end well.

This feeling, this butterfly flutter in my chest that I get from time to time....when I get it now, I just leave, no excuses, but I didn't know myself then like I do now.  Fight or flight.

I tapped him and said, "are you Ben?" to which he replied, "who are you?"

I looked around very confused...."ummmm, I am Ready and Fading, you are Ben, right?  If not, sorry, I must be confused, you look like someone I was planning to meet...."

He then looked me up and down slowly and as I felt his eyes burning through my body, he said this:

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize how tall you are...."

(SIDE NOTE: He was at least 4 inches taller than me and I listed my height, no exaggerations, 5' 10", on my profile and even called it out as a warning in my "about me section" as men in my city seem to NOT enjoy a statuesque woman and I have been called a man more times than I can count when I used to wear high high heels to bars)...

He continued....

"I just find you to be really manly and unattractive (I have curves for days and I am soft and feminine with long hair and I LOVE makeup and smelling sweet), so if you want to eat something, we can go dutch on the bill, but I don't have any romantic connection to you at all, I find you the opposite of what I like."

Mind you, I had yet to say a word, remove my blazer, and I had just recently updated my profile less than a month before....everything was current.  I looked JUST like my profile photo.

So, I did the only thing I knew to do....I looked him in the eye and said....

"You will never be happy.  This isn't the way you handle this situation regardless of attraction.  You are a mean bitter man.  Go FUCK yourself.  I hope you find a petite lady that you can treat like shit.  I pray for her. Bye."

And I walked out the door.  I then went home and ate my feelings.  I consider this date as the initial trigger for my rapid weight gain during this phase of my life.  I know it seems weak, but I had tried SO hard and I had felt SO good and then the kind of guy I thought I wanted.....SO NOT WHAT I KNOW IS RIGHT FOR ME NOW.....treated me like I was 1,000 pounds.  It was such a slap in my face and I let him, this stranger asshole, win.

He was the grown-up version of the 7th grade boys who chanted Ogre at me on the playground....it triggered every issue with my body, my weight, and my fear of men, that I ever had.

A few days later, I received an email from him apologizing for his behavior and asking me for a second chance.  I think it's pretty possible that he tried to use the "Mystery Method" on me which revolves around insulting and demeaning women to get power over the date and situation.  I didn't fall for it and I think my reaction surprised him.  I actually invited him into my insecurity by calling myself out for being tall on my profile.  He preyed on my weaknesses (one of the base rules of the Mystery Method is to call a girl out on something based on looks whether it applies to her or not to disarm her).

When I went back online after Awful, I listed my height, but never called it out and it became a non-issue on all of the recent dates before Crush that I went on...this is why I NEVER complain about my weight, diet, height, stretch marks, scar, or cellulite with Crush.  Confidence is sexy and sometimes you have to fake it to make it.  Never let a man know too much about these things, good ones don't see them, so that is your first test.  When they bring up your "cheesy thighs" like Awful did to me, pack your bag and leave...and don't take 2.5 years to do so like I did!

I never emailed Ben back, but I did once see him out at a birthday party for a friend of a friend and he came up to me to awkwardly apologize again.  I turned my back on him mid-sentence and now that I think about it, I should have asked him why he did it, but I didn't.....I was too scared to get hurt all over again.....as strong as I was trying to be, I was still pretty weak....

I started dating Awful 2 weeks later.  I thought because he was short and divorced and had dealt with his own body issues that he couldn't hurt me....EPIC FAIL.


  1. I think calling you back to him mid-sentence is the best you could have done.

    I had one of those moments. Not as bad, but a trigger moment that haunted me for years and still kind of does some days.

    I was on Match.com. Just like you. Very straight forward, recent photo, full body shot, ect ect. I have a really fairly tiny waist and really a really a nice hourglass, so between a size 8-10 in the US with big boobs, small waist and hips.

    ANYWAY. I digress. Never loved my legs, rarely like how I look in pants, but I did have photos of myself in jeans on the profile.

    This guy emails me. We end up talking on the phone later that week. I remember getting the distinct feeling that he was looking at my profile while we talked. It was almost like he needed to jog his memory.

    Suddenly he says to me "You have kind of big legs, don't you."

    Dude. My heart just sank. I think my response was kind of "Well, what you see is what you get, if you think that's big, I wouldn't say so."

    I don't know. I was way too shocked. Your response is pretty remarkable considering the rudeness. I then ended the conversation very quickly.

    But those words STUCK with me for YEARS and YEARS.


    1. Isn't it funny the words that just stick? You can't help it, they linger for whatever reason. I remember most of the body related insults very clearly, but personality based ones...they roll right off of me. I always had my defenses up when it came to men before I started dating the one I am with. I had quick responses because I had practiced them and was ready to spit them out as this wasn't the first time I was insulted for my height. It was on the tip of my tongue ready to launch out. Also, I feel the same way about pants for myself, they don't show off my curves as well as other garments. You had a wonderful response to that prick.

  2. OMG... I have been watching the show "Girls" all week and boy would that date ever make a good story line for one of the characters. What a jerk... What I would do to be 5'10" - wish you could send me a few inches.

    1. YES! I love Girls! He was indeed a jerk, but I worry about his karma, not mine. If I could give you a few inches, I would. I have always wanted to be 5'7" just like my sissy.....those few inches less would allow me to stay under 6' in heels. The grass is always greener.....

  3. What an ass.

    It's crazy how comments that guys make about a woman's body or image can stay with her so long.

    When I was 17, there was an older guy I had an ongoing flirtation with at work. (Realize now how gross that was since he was ten years older than me...ugh). Anywho, he once told me that I look better with my hair down...that I was more attractive like that. Thoughts then running through my head: Do I not have a pretty enough face or graceful enough of a neck to show with my hair pulled back?

    That comment stuck with me a long time. Until about a year ago when I had my hair up high and my boyfriend told me I looked adorable. Perhaps it shouldn't have taken another man's validation to reverse how I felt about the hair up / down issue, but all the same I did feel better about it.

    These are the types of things I would wish to shield any future daughters from...!

    1. I totally agree. It stays with you and just when you think you are over it, it comes back like a nightmare.

      You rock that up-do! I am so glad that your boyfriend makes you feel truly beautiful just as you are, that is super important. I am just the same about another man's validation. I wish it wasn't so, but Crush has helped me work through many of my body demons without even knowing it.....

      I agree about the future daughters, I plan to try to discuss bodies and food and self esteem from a very early age because I wish my mom would have openly acknowledged my chubbiness. She wanted to protect me and not hurt my feelings. If we could have chatted about my weight when I let her know I was being taunted for it (her response was always, you are perfect and gorgeous and they are jealous!) perhaps I could have owned it a bit better rather than feel ashamed in my skin. Times were different when we were young and bullying wasn't so talked about.....

  4. That is perhaps the worst story I've ever heard. It made my stomach flop. I'm so proud of you for being as eloquent as you were!


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......