Mortifying Date Story #2

I took a 6 month break from dating after I broke up with Awful.

Emotionally, I simply wasn't ready and he had already won the race in who was going to get laid first.  He had sex with someone 1 week after we officially broke up (it was crushing at the time, especially because an old neighbor acquaintance was the one who broke the news to me......OY...he also most likely cheated on me, but that is another story for another day). This fact in itself made me extra motivated to not do as he did and just find a warm body (though I did one time last April post breakup and it was not all that it should have been......) to validate myself with.  I started my dating search seeking a boyfriend and yearning for a real connection.  Sadly, I never found one in my city.......BUT, I did find Crush, so I did do something very very right eventually!

Last spring, it was time to get back in the dating game.  Yes, I was still post breakup fluffy (chubby). Yes, I was still feeling really fragile (like an egg).  Yes, I was still living with my parents at 30 (still am, WHOOOOT!)........but, I needed to at least try to connect with someone.

I had a little free time as everyone I knew was about to have a baby or just had a baby, so besides complaining, crying, or eating.....there was no excuse to not date.  Up went the OK Cupid dating profile and the selection process began.

As I posted a few days ago, I was VERY specific about what I was looking for.  For me, I wanted someone who wanted to get married, had a job, and was the same religion as me (Jewish) if possible.  The religion thing was really my first priority at the time as Awful wasn't the same religion and for us (I can only talk from my personal experience with this here and for us the religious differences became a disaster, but most of it was because Awful is a sayer not a doer by nature), it caused MANY problems.  It wasn't a ton of hard qualifications, but I was specific, I only received 2 emails from suitors.  I went out with both.  One wasn't bad, just no connection, so he doesn't get a post.....but #2....OH MY..........

#2 emailed me asking if I wanted to get coffee sometime and I agreed.  He seemed nice and articulate and had a lovely smile and eyes.  He had a job and took the time to fill out his profile.  I did see one red flag though, but I chose to ignore it as I was desperate for a date and male approval.  The red flag was that he described himself as sarcastic.  Now, I am TOTALLY sarcastic and I own it, but I don't advertise it as I feel the word sarcastic is very much like the word beautiful....it is really in the eye of the beholder.  In the city I live in, sarcastic when pertaining to a man often means one thing and one thing only....ASSHOLE.  But, I was still single at the time, so what did I know?  This man could have been the sweetest sarcastic gem on the planet, so why be so close-minded...?

Mr. Sarcastic and I planned to meet at a local tea shop at 1:00 pm.  At 1:35 pm he arrived in sweat pants, sneakers, an old college sweatshirt, with sleep (eye boogers) still crusted on his eyelids.  He smelled like smoke, whiskey, bad breath, and fried food.  I was still giving him the benefit of the doubt at this point.  I just wanted some company.  I asked him if he had a fun night out to which he replied:

"Yes, I had sex with a hooker."

To this day, I am still not sure whether to believe him or not.

He went ahead and ordered himself a beverage and did not offer me one.  I then got myself one.  He said that he will pay for things on a date only after he has slept with his company and at that point he would spend a varied amount of money based on how good the sex was....

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE THEN?

So, to make things even more awkward, the tea shop he chose was less than 2 blocks away from where Awful lived (in a rather popular and upscale part of the city I live in), so I was in constant fear that he was going to walk in on this horrendous situation, so I was acting like a robot and not focusing on the true direness of the situation.

After Mister Sarcastic slurped his chai latte and spilled on himself, he asked me to join him for some ice cream around the corner.  I went as I looked at the time and we were still at less than 10 minutes total for the date.

He got himself a giant waffle cone of rainbow sherbet and of course didn't offer me anything and while he ate like a wild pig, he spoke about himself for 10 minutes straight like this:

"I am the best catch ever.  I am rich.  I am tall.  I am handsome.  I am educated.  I am well endowed.  I have women begging for me.  I had to dump my ex because she loved me too much.  I was too funny for her.  I was too alive.  I am larger than life.  I am a rare gift.  I am more than anyone would ever want or need.  I am funny.  I am stable.  I am gifted....blah blah blah blah blah....."

Upon the 11th minute of this rant, a 16 year old girl with braces, a small dog, wearing teeny jean shorts and a cut off sweat shirt top comes and sits down at our table and calls my date "Dad."

To this day, I am still not sure if this was his daughter or girlfriend....a part of me thinks that she joins him "on dates" as a cover.

He then says to the teen....

"I AM NOT YOUR FATHER!!!!!! and they both laugh and hug and she begins licking his ice cream cone (the one he bought, not the one in his pants).

We have been on our date for 25 minutes.  He hasn't asked me 1 question and I am so utterly confused.......we are now all of a sudden babysitting a teen......I am fascinated too, just waiting to be "Punked".  I just can't get up and leave quite yet, I just can't, even though I really want to.  It is like a car accident.  I have daters gape.

He then begins telling me about his sarcasm:

"I am sarcastic.  It suits me well.  I could be a comedian (as someone who once dabbled in comedy, NO YOU COULDN'T) and people always tell me that I should have been, if I wasn't a lawyer.  I just don't have the time to be the next Seinfeld even though I am funnier, better, and almost as rich as him.  I just want you to know, that if I decide to sleep with you, you will need to be able to handle my sarcasm.  It is essential for the function of our relationship.  What are your thoughts on this?"

The was the first time in the last 30 minutes that I had been offered a chance to speak, so I did:

"Well, since you asked....I think you are a horrible date and disgusting.  I would never sleep with you.  You smell, you are wearing ill-fitting sweatpants, you are cheap, rude, disrespectful to women, and completely in denial of who you really are as a person.  You have this weird ego which results in the fact that you have no penis in you pjs. You are likely a pedophile and are trying to have a date with a junior in high school at the same time as me.  You are single because you are crazy.  This is very clear to me.  The only issue I am currently having with this date is the fact that I am still on it.  I wasted 32 minutes of my life with you and I can never get that back.  Bye. Also, sarcastic is not what you are, you are an asshole.  Also, you are so unfunny, it hurts.  If this is some improv skit, then I appreciate it, but I don't think it is.  The only way to make this moderately okay would be for a camera and crew to pop out.  I am going to now wait for the camera and crew as I can take a joke. (I waited about a minute, no camera, no crew).  Okay, you are not an actor, you are just insane.  Bye now for real."

And then I got up and left.

I heard a yell from behind me....

"SO YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE OUT??????  You are actually hot!  Lose 20 pounds and call me!"

I promptly burst into tears and ran to my car.