Home is Where the Heart Is

I have been slacking for 4 months on work.  Ever since I started to really talk to Crush, my personal life has been about him and my work-life balance has gone out the window.

Ugh....I ALWAYS do this.  I do.  Like I have admitted, I am SO all or nothing.  Why can't I find the balance?

I know the reasons.  After this year and next, I don't think I will work full-time any longer.  Stop throwing virtual tomatoes at me.  I am just being honest.  If the plan Crush and I have already established pans out, we will be married in a few years and will start trying for little ones soon after. Neither of us are spring chickens and neither of us are denying it.  We have both lived full lives independently of each other.  My only big thing is that I want to take one huge international trip together before babies, he is on board.  All systems go.

So, my heart and future are no longer in the city I live in.  I know that I can kinda half-ass it before I go because the work I do now won't really have anything to do with the work I will do in the future and my attitude is messed up.  My laziness and desire to not please is scaring me.....I have become the opposite kind of person that I was.  I used to care SO much and never disappoint and now I can hardly get it together....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I ignore emails and my phone and go to sleep without a guilty conscious.  It is not right.  My behavior before Crush was SUPER anal, but now I am slacking.  I need balance.  I aim to work on getting it together this month and I am running out of time here.  Things need to be done and I can barely muster the strength to do a few easy tasks a day....I am so tired and lackluster and I know it.

I think I just KNOW that Crush and me are for real, so I am not resorting to second options and other secret plans like I typically do.  This is both positive and negative.  It represents that I truly care and trust Crush, but it also represents my lack of personal planning.....which forced me into my parents home at 30.....I should be planning better, right?!  I know I should, yet I can't....

I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket, yet I am.  I don't want to forget all the things I know.  I don't want to ignore all of the tasks that have been festering in my mind without being able to get them done.

But, my heart isn't here anymore, it is 1300 miles away and Crush is all I can think about and somehow I am okay with this..............I hope to pull it together before I slip even more.