Being single is not easy if you don't want to be single. It becomes especially hard after the age of 27 or so (at least in my city) when people you know and like start tying the knot and reproducing and all of a sudden you are on Lonely Island......at least I was......no invites to couple dinners and events, weekends without plans, date after date with absolutely NO connection. During this time, I now see clearly how much my friends wanted me to be happy and how they did relate to the emotional darkness I was feeling, even if they hadn't felt it themselves pertaining to dating. When you are sad, true friends, the ones that matter, do want to help, they do. If they don't, they aren't your real friends anyway.
The truth is everyone has easy AND hard things to manage in life. Nothing is ever perfect.
Someone's easy (like finding love) can be someone's hard (like not having a great relationship with their family)....it all balances out.
I have learned that staying positive is really the best way to deal with all of your shortcomings and frustrations. I know that it is super hard to accept and follow, but it is true.
I did HATE and DREAD hearing certain things when I was single. These comments would make my blood boil, give me the sweats, and make me want to burst with rage. Perhaps it was because I was ALWAYS the single one, but also because certain comments are stupid and insensitive and rude to say to a singleton.....so don't. Here we go:
1. Why are you single?
Would you ask a friend "why are fat", "why are you stupid", "why are you short", "why didn't you get promoted".......common sense here. Single people may be sensitive to their single status...perhaps they are out trying to meet people and now you just pissed on their parade. Unless someone tells you, "being single is the BEST....I have my freedom, I eat Twix for dinner, I sleep with 4 strangers a week and it is HOT!"....don't ask them why they can't land a mate.
2. What Ever Happened To?
If the last time you saw a distant friend and they were out with a date or with their significant other and the next time you see them they are flying solo, don't ask what happened to that person. For example:
Married Friend - "How is Brian doing? That guy you were with at Tom's party last year, he was really nice."
Single Friend - "Actually he is an asshole. I found out he was cheating on me with his secretary and now they are engaged. They are getting married tonight." (Single Friend runs off and sobs in the bathroom for an hour, then takes 10 tequila shots, pukes in a cab, and wakes up without her cellphone or wallet....)
Don't be the insensitive casual friend that becomes the enemy.
If the Single Friend is really not single and Brian is off at a bachelor party or something, your friend will mention him to you if she wants to discuss him.
3. You Should Try Online Dating!
Oh, really? Should I? I have never heard of that concept....please explain what it entails....a computer and the world wide web you say...how amazing!
Unless the year is 1997 or you are over the age of 85, this is not an acceptable suggestion.
4. I Have the Perfect Person for You to Meet!
ONLY mention this if you are SUPER serious and will be sending an introduction email in the next 12 hours. Single people do not take almost set-ups lightly. This requires action. If you do not have what it takes to produce contact, keep your mouth shut.
5. Did You Hear......?!
If you know someone is single and perhaps nursing a breakup or divorce, don't spill distant friends' good news. If your single pal is on Facebook, they will know who is single, who is engaged, who is recently married, and who is expecting. If they aren't on Facebook (like me), they don't care about this sort of stuff , so they don't need you filling them in. You do not have to be all Patti Simcox from Grease and gossip about people that don't care about you.
(True story: About a year ago, a very dear friend of mine told me about a frenemy who I had a nasty falling out with and who is significantly younger than me, had recently become engaged...I was living with my parents at age 30 and attending therapy to deal with my self doubt and self esteem issues....it wasn't the kind of news I needed to hear at that time in my life because nothing positive was brought to my attention by knowing about it. I had to remind my friend that I couldn't handle Facebook at the time, so please don't tell me this sort of thing. If someone wants to know about mutual acquaintances, they will ask.)
6. You Should Go to So and So, There Are Tons of Singles There
The suggestion is always a bar. Always for the most part. And unless you want to find the type of person who loves bars (I don't, but if you do, then maybe this is less of a sore spot for you) why would you go to a bar? For me, bars are about my friends and not long-term relationships (all I have ever met at a bar is a one night stand). This is because I don't want to meet a drunk, a college boy, a man with Peter Pan Syndrome (I WON'T GROW UP!), or a pirate. I also hate how bars smell now that you can't smoke in them (I don't smoke, but I would rather smell smoke) as they reek of stale beer, vomit, urine, and debauchery (I am getting old....just realized that I would rather go many places before a bar).
7. I Forget to Tell You, So and So Asked About You!
This ALWAYS happened to me. Someone would tell me, "Remember Dan? He asked about you and I forgot to tell you!"
I would say, "Oh really? How cool! He was nice, set me up!"
They would say, "He actually just started seeing someone and they are super serious already. She is planning to move in!"
I would scratch my head and wonder why my
8. Would You Like to Join ME for Dinner?
This is both a saying and a doing.....I love some of my friends significant others like family and they are ALWAYS welcome, but a pet peeve of mine has always been and still is being invited by a friend to supper without mentioning their significant other coming to join us. Dinner for 3 instead of 2. I am fine hanging out with couples, but friends night is different that a couple plus a single friend night, so prepare the single as they may approach the entire invitation differently (The Real Housewives always fight about bringing men without asking and this may be the only thing I agree with them on) in general. Perhaps your single friend will not wear elastic pants and flip-flops if they know they are joining in on a romantic date for 2.
Tell me, what are some other things that are in bad taste to say to singles?