I have been thinking a lot these last few weeks. I have been focusing on how I make things SO hard for myself, for no good reason. My life COULD be so much easier, if I would just change a few subtle things. The same thing can be said about making money. Little tweaks could garner HUGE results. I have made a promise to myself to live for ME first. This is a HUGE step for me. Up until the age of 30 (last year), I lived for EVERYONE, but ME and then I wondered why I was sad, unfulfilled, depressed, and lost. I am not afraid to be me anymore. Everything is so much clearer these days. I am far from perfect, but I am not crazy. This concept in itself makes me feel WAY better. I can indeed trust my instincts, my inner-voice, and my heart. RELIEF.
Lately, I have been daydreaming about how much I want to wear a certain dress that I love when I get back to my fighting weight and then this innovative thought crossed my mind......if I don't get to that weight, I can always buy another dress I also love, just one size bigger. I am so smart, I may be due for a Nobel Prize.....There is always a solution. Goals are great, but they will only work for me, if I care enough to achieve them. I think I do care enough about the weight, but I am not totally convinced. Being honest and accountable is the only way to find out and that has been what I am doing. I have also been working out daily, because I LOVE to workout, not for vanity and guess what, the scale is going back down.......I may be Einstein, for real, I am sharp I tell you.
Here is a list of 10 things I know I will never ever be able to accomplish with my weight loss that I am perfectly fine with:
1. I will never be able to use a gym towel as coverage when I shower after exercise class. I always gaze in sheer wonder at the ladies at my gym who cover their breasts, vaginas, and tushes with a gym provided towel...they are the size of a postage stamp! Me....well, I need 2 towels, one for my top and one for my bottom and there is still A LOT of lady hanging out. I bring my own robe to conceal my humps (Fergie Ferg). Even if I lost 600 pounds, I know a gym towel still wouldn't cover these birthing hips.
2. I will never wear a single digit size. I am THIN at a size 10.....this is TINY for me. Currently I am a 12/14. Losing 25 pounds (what I have left) will get me to a perfect 10 and I am fine with that. I always laugh when people seem appalled at the notion of a size 12. I look awesome when I am a size 12! I am proud of my statuesque figure, very few woman are built like me these days (the reason why it seems that every man over age 75 seems to have a major crush on me) and that makes me happy, not sad. BOO to conformity!
3. I will never wear a string bikini. Even post tummy tuck, I have stretch marks (and now a scar) on my stomach. I need a higher waisted bikini bottom. Don't cry for me, I am fine.
4. I will never wear short shorts. First of all, I am becoming very conservative and find them totally inappropriate on a woman of a certain age unless you look like Jessica Simpson in her Daisy Duke phase, but more than that, I also have cellulite on the back of my thighs and I don't like to advertise it in public....it's genetic, so even though I have greatly reduced it by drinking lots of water (gag, I make myself) and working out (I turn the resistance knob ALL the way up on my spin bike), the cheese on my legs (what my darling ex-boyfriend Awful (F*CK FACE) called my lumpy thighs) is here to stay. (BONUS FACT: both my bro-in-law and Crush have no idea what cellulite is, so my sister and I, who both have it (sorry, sissy!), have not informed them of our gift....smart ladies never tell men too much information and men that know too much information or rarely gentlemen). I also don't like the look that those short shorts give even the most shapely ladies....that look is known as camel toe (or a front wedgie for you who don't have to worry much about it like I do.....wide hisp will do that to you!).
5. I will never be able to wear a backless dress. I am one of those lucky ladies that has some back fat, even when I am thin. My body is just designed this way. I do love the look of a backless gown, but it isn't in the cards for me.
6. I will never be able to wear white pants. This isn't a weight thing, I am just a slob and dirt always finds me and I get really into eating my food with gusto and I spill on myself.
7. I will never be able to wear jeans without stretch. I need that stretch for important reasons, like to be able to button them.
8. I will never be able to rock the look I have always wanted to rock since I was 14.....classic button down Levis jeans (NO STRETCH) with a man's v-neck white Hanes t-shirt. Think Jennifer Aniston (you will get the idea, I think she looked better with a little meat though, but I don't like the look of SUPER thin) circa the second year of Friends, before she got too skinny, but still had the Rachel haircut. I just have too many curves for this look to ever be flattering. Things that flatter my hip to waist ratio is the only way I can dress and NOT get mistaken for being pregnant, even post-tummy tuck....(BONUS TIP: NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CONDITION ask a mildly overweight lady when she is due unless you see a baby coming out of her vagina......THANK YOU! The mental anguish I have had to overcome for being asked about my potential buns in the oven almost ended me until I became Kathy Bates character from Fried Green Tomatoes, the movie).
9. I will never be able to wear a strapless dress. I have very broad shoulders and strapless dresses make me look like a linebacker. I know everyone thinks they are universally flattering, well, not on me. One day, my wedding dress won't be strapless, I can assure you of this. The only exception to this rule is a strapless sweetheart neckline which can sometimes kinda work if the dress in question has a very nipped waist and a full skirt.
10. I will never be able to wear a sports bra as a top when I work out. Not like I would really want to anyway because I am not TLC or Gwen Stefani from the No Doubt period, but I won't be able to, anyway. I will always have some jiggle and that jiggle looks better with a top on. Also, in order for me to create a waist in my exercise pants (the necessary accessory, a waist, for me to sport my tummy .....think high waisted bikini), I would give myself a camel toe....I would rather have a covered up muffin top than an exposed camel toe.
BUT, one thing I CAN wear when I lose the weight? The very dress I mentioned at the beginning of this post...full circle.