I have been waiting for a change pertaining to food. WHY?
Well, I will say it again....blah blah blah....I am ALL or NOTHING and I like immediate gratification.
Every time I have ever lost weight, I haven't done it healthily. I have restricted, I have used medication (my anxiety medicine reduces me appetite), I have put foods on yes or no lists.
I haven't lost the weight I want to lose yet for life, for me, because I haven't been in it for the long haul. For the after. I have been in it for the event. For the wedding I didn't want to attend single AND fat, for my ten year high school reunion, for the big trip to the beach....it has been exhausting. Really. I have put myself through an emotional and physical roller coaster. For nothing.
I have done so much short term work without finally reaching a longstanding goal. A few pounds shouldn't define possibilities for me. And yet it does.
In the last few weeks, I have been trying to close up some old business. Get myself ready for September and the big move down south. I AM SO EXCITED. I feel like this year is a bit transitional, but also just what I need because I am not scared to be me anymore. I know I am leaving, so I don't have to worry too much about the future in my city. I will NEVER come back. Regardless of how it plays out with Crush, I am not supposed to be here anymore and I spreading my wings and preparing to fly.
This morning, I had to pass on my daily workout as my back is really bothering me....I am getting older, a hard workout leaves me sore and tight some mornings. I then immediately felt very anxiety ridden because I rely on the gym to balance my bad eating. Essentially, I can still binge and maintain my weight with a hard workout...
All of a sudden, it dawned on me......(AND I ALREADY KNOW THIS!).....it's the eating AND the exercise that will make the scale move. I can't keep playing games. Emotionally, it is too exhausting. I set myself up for failure and then I fail. It isn't fair to me. I haven't been treating myself well.
So, I got out my special journal. The very one I made my wish list for Crush (who came to me exactly 2 months later) for in and I wrote a new list. This one I titled:
WEIGHT LOSS FOR LIFE =
1. Get to the healthy weight of 165 and stay there (this is a good healthy weight for me, a solid size 10 and shapely, not too thin, perfect for me)
2. Help my anxiety, self doubt, and confidence through healthy diet and exercise
3. Be active (not only the gym, a walk around the block counts, too!) 5 times a week
4. Wear some of my favorite dresses and jeans again (I love them and I am close to fitting back in some, so it really shouldn't be that big of a deal)
5. Feel wonderful at a few huge family events (both Crush and myself have them coming up)
6. Feel confident showing my arms again (I am super self conscious of them these days)
7. Be excited about seeing people I haven't seen in a long time
8. Learn and relearn healthy habits, so I can set a good example for my future husband and children
9. Wear a bikini proudly this summer at the beach
10. Go to my WeightWatchers meeting EVERY Monday I am in town (I have been out of town for Crush and work, I go back Monday)
SEE IT! BELIEVE IT! ACHIEVE IT!