I know you all think I am such a sap. And I am becoming one. A star crossed lover. A believer in fate. A person who KNOWS that if not Crush (please be you, Crush), then someone else will find their way to me and it will be okay, too. I can just feel it in the air. My heart is open again. Almost 1 year after I left Awful's home forever and slammed that door, that phase in my life. But still, until very recently, Awful's door had been open a crack, a sliver really, enough to slide a thin piece of paper through, but not even a envelope.
This last year has been SHIT. Healing from the aftermath of Awful. Doors still ajar. Information still shared in the context of, "I am better than you....."
Awful and I had a toxic relationship. He was like a drug for me. A bad drug. I wanted to be around him for some reason, but the minute I was in his company, I was uneasy, agitated, and then afterwards, the depression that would set in.....rock bottom.
For months, post breakup, Awful and I played cat and mouse. We would attempt to have friendly conversations that would end in tears and jealously. He would regularly call me to check in on me, but really only to brag about all of the new women he was sleeping with. To prove to me that he is more desirable....I am not Giselle over here, but he's not some stone cold fox, I don't need to be the better looking one in a couple, but I was with him, inside and out. Text book, little man syndrome, that Awful was.
Crush tells me that I am a knockout. He tells me I am soft and sweet and sexy and just like a real woman should be. For someone who has just finally put most of her body image issues to bed FINALLY, after YEARS, this is just what I NEED to hear. But, Crush also tells me that I am just as pretty inside and out, and that my friends, that is really the most important thing. A face and body may be beautiful, but it is nothing if the heart inside of a person is ugly.
I fell into Awful's trap every time we spoke. I would end up in bed for days unable to lift my head off of my pillow, even though I was the one who left him. You see, for a while there, I would rather be with Awful than be alone. Never be afraid to be alone. The best strength comes from the lessons you learn solo.
Then only a few weeks ago, after a long period of blissful silence from Awful, most likely because he was busy seducing young stupid women on his boat (I was one of them, so I can say that) I received an email from him asking me for money that I don't think I truly owe him and I wrote him an email. A really personal email.
I admitted all of my insecurities, I didn't sugarcoat it. I let him win. I wanted to marry him, he didn't want to marry me, but he didn't want to let me go, he didn't want to be alone and face all of his many issues. He had the power. I may have gotten wrapped up wanting what I wanted so bad that I couldn't function, but I will admit my truth, I wanted to get married....to him, to the wall, to a plant, to a car....I just didn't want to be alone anymore.
In the email, I called Awful out on his bullshit, I stopped playing games, I stopped trying to protect myself from the hurt I was feeling, I stopped trying to show him that I would win by being evasive. I let it all hang out, the ugly, the insecurities, the pain. I called him out, with the truth, the truth from MY perspective. And I allowed myself to be truly vulnerable. Not angry anymore. Vulnerable. You hurt me Awful. You made me feel perhaps as bad as your ex-wife made you feel. You wore the pants in our relationship. You didn't want to share the power even though you presented in public that I was the boss....I was NEVER THE BOSS, we both know this.
I became the boss when I left you, but a ring would have kept me. THANK YOU for not giving me one. I would be so sad right now if I was with Awful. If I never had the chance to feel the way I am feeling for Crush, even if it's only been a few weeks.
After I sent that email, I got scared I would hear back. I counted the days. I haven't yet, it's been weeks. I had a few sleepless nights over it. The day after I sent Awful the email, Crush called me and we had our first real conversation, the one that spanned over 4 hours, the one that gave me the chills, that made me feel that maybe just maybe good guys exist. The one I feel connected us.
I have been 100% honest about my ENTIRE reality with Crush. I have NEVER been able to do this with anyone that has a penis. It's a relatively new concept, for me to be honest all the time and I like it. It is so freeing. I have let it ALL out this year and perhaps this is why I am ready for something bigger, something real.
There are things about me that are great and there are things about me that aren't. Crush is the same, he is only a person, only a man. His good FAR outweighs his bad, but he has lived his own mistakes, too. We all can't get to a certain age without having a past.
I learned with Awful: the games, the perception of reality, the wanting, the longing, the ending up so close, but not at all on the same page....I am not going to ever date like that again. I am not going to date a man I cannot communicate with, I cannot disagree with, I cannot share my feelings with. I don't want to have to throw insults, jabs, or heavy books on a regular basis to simply make a point.
My love story will only work for me if I am true to myself. No game playing.
You see, I closed my door on Awful, but it took me 10 months post breakup to do it. Now, that I FINALLY slammed and locked it, complete with a double bolt, now another door seems to be sliding open for me.