Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I am very excited.  I will be spending some time with Crush in just a few days.  The anticipation is killing me.  It is a very slow burn, I can't function and there is so much to do.  Going to write this and get on my work, it is time.

I remember when Awful would go away, I would be secretly relieved.  I would get the house to myself, I wouldn't be bothered every five seconds, questioned about what I was doing, what I was watching, what I was eating.....I remember being sad when the day would come that Awful would return from his trip, I would get a sinking feeling that I would have to tolerate him in my space again....

Last night when Crush and I were chatting and discussing our upcoming trip, he said, I am really excited to spend time with you uninterrupted, but I am going to be sad when the trip is over and we still won't be living in the same city.  I just know how much I am going to yearn for your company.

I couldn't fall asleep last night and kept rolling this statement around in my mind.  I NEVER wanted to talk to Awful, like I really couldn't stand his company one on one.  In just a few weeks, I know more about my sweet Crush than I ever did about Awful.  Why you may ask?  It is because I actually enjoy talking to him.  I want to know about his life, his history, his family, what makes him who he really is.  I wait all day to talk to him and I simmer after we chat.  I scream into my pillow and kick my legs when I think about just being able to hang with him all day alone.....swoon.

I am a bit nervous about the physical connection between Crush and me because it is time to really seal the deal.  But, at the same time, I am not really nervous at all because emotionally we are very connected, I do think the physical expression will follow.  I am trying not to over think it.  I have never emotionally been into a guy.  I have always used alcohol to coax myself into physicality and caring.  With Awful, I really don't think I am going to require any wine to open up.  EXCITED.

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