I am lovesick right now. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I listen to all of my favorite CDs and they have a different meaning. The sky is bluer, the laughs are deeper, the longing is mutual. I have never felt this way before.
I believe in all kinds of love. Practical love, buddy-buddy love so you don't have to be alone, infatuation masking for love, and the kind of love that is always not quite enough. I believe that love has phases like the moon or the tide. I believe that love can be reborn and rebirthed between two people. I believe that a love story truly has no end, that future generations represent the roots families put down in the name of love.
I think I have found my soul mate. The kind of love that I don't think most people get to experience. I just have a feeling. When you know, you know. I cannot believe this is happening to ME. I honestly thought I would never find what I was searching for. I pray that this is it for me. And, well, and I know if it isn't, then, this experience came to me for a reason, that I only deserve the very best for me.
My 20s were a roller coaster. I lived, I learned, I cried. I hurt people. I let people hurt me. I lied to protect myself. I lied to protect others. I put on a brave face. I observed quietly. I acted out. I let myself experience bad things. I felt guilt and pain when I did something I shouldn't have. I did for other people. I put myself last. I let pieces of my best self hide, so others could have their time to shine. I became a better person.
Crush did the same. He went through a lot and like me, he is also very lucky. He has a family that adores him, a close relationship with his siblings, faith, hope, courage, integrity, and drive. We are the same now, but years ago this wouldn't have worked, even months ago, our timing would have been off....now, there is only wide open spaces and the promise of everything I ever wanted: sandy kisses, salty skin, beach bonfires and sing alongs with best friends, comfort food, warmer climates, barking dogs, cozy beds, chubby babies, afternoons in shady hammocks under breezy trees, and rocking chairs on front porches. How am I so lucky?
This last week, I took a little break for me. I let myself feel. I let myself dream. I told Crush every secret, every embarrassment that haunts me. I took off my armor and I let myself become translucent. It's really a love story for the ages, we hardly know each other, yet he's already one of my best friends. He says, our souls have already met and I believe him. I am neglecting my clients, I am neglecting my body, I am walking into doors, spilling coffee, forgetting words. It's time to get back to my life with my new love. To make an effort to not let one over power the other. To blend these wonderful things together like the perfect cup of coffee.
It's time for me to share why I think Crush is my soul mate and I promise you, it's not just dumb luck......:
1. We both are the only people in the world that have our name. Neither of them are that weird, it just happened this way.
2. We both broke up with our significant others during the same month officially and then had several restarts and stops. We both did the walking away. More than once.
3. We both have only had one real serious relationship with the potential of marriage before meeting each other.
4. We both care deeply about what other people think, but in the last year, we have decided that we had to live our own lives for ourselves. We reached this conclusion independently.
5. One of his favorite movies takes place in my city and one of my favorite movies takes place in his.
6. He grew up in a town that is the same name as my maternal grandmother. His family helped establish that town many years ago.
7. We both had a grandfather that has the same name. We both only have one remaining grandparent living, a grandmother.
8. We both have ancestors that came from the same country and city even, before they immigrated here.
9. We both have several doctors in our families.
10. We share the same faith. We were both told at a very early age that marrying within this faith would provide the best and easiest life, to respect that hardships and fight our ancestors had to endure to allow for our existence. We both have parents that would have been sad if we didn't do this, but would have loved us the same anyway.
11. We both shared a room growing up with a sibling of our same gender. Our beds were configured the same way.
12. We both don't like fish. Like, I really don't like it and he hates it, too.
13. We both almost drowned when we were 3. Me at the beach and him at a pool. We both went on to be lifeguards.
14. We both have the same ideas about heaven and life's meaning and true purpose and destiny.
15. We were born in the same state.
16. He was born in the SAME hospital as Awful. The very same one in the same month, only a few years later. Crush and Awful have similar educations. They majored in the same subjects, have the same grad degree, and speak the same second language. They are also both fantastic writers and love history. Awful wasn't all rotten, just mostly.
17. I am from the same state that his ex is from. My sister now lives there.
18. We share the same favorite flavor of ice cream. It's really simple. We have both never had a new car.
19. The song "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong is a favorite of both of ours. It is my dad's favorite song and his mom's favorite song. My sister danced to it at her wedding with our dad. One day, I hope Crush and I can dance to it with all of our parents at our wedding.
20. We were both nursed as babies.
21. We both had cuddle bed sessions with our parents in the mornings when we were young.
22. Our parents read us the same bedtime stories.
23. We both had record players growing up and danced to music. Both of our parents did not encourage television.
24. We both went to overnight camp and loved it.
25. Our favorite Beatles song is the same, "Something", and when we learned this, we both said at the same time, "it's about Pattie Boyd" and then agreed that "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight" are also epic songs and she must have had some real strong womanly prowess.
26. We like the same music and music is very important to us.
27. One of my dreams has always been that I would marry a rock star. He sings and plays several instruments, he has already written me a song.
28. We talk about songs we like and then we hear them randomly on the radio. Rare songs, not ones that are commonly played.
29. Yesterday, 6 birds landed at my feet and stared at me. There were red breasted. Red is my favorite color. I am a bit scared of birds, but my maternal grandmother loved them and always believed that they are your relatives from heaven coming to see you. I told Crush and he told me that he wrote a song about birds years ago (he has a CD that he made with his bro for fun more so than anything else when he was in grad school) flying south. It is song number 6 on the disk.
30. We were both raised to respect experiences and not possessions. Both of our sets of parents were able to pay for our educations in full, no longstanding loans, in real time. We both know how lucky we are.
31. We are both claustrophobic.
32. We are both extroverts that need to be alone.
33. We love the same books.
34. We are both romantic.
35. We both love to sleep with our windows open.
36. He collects things. I only like one kind of comic (it involves Betty and Veronica) and he has a rare one from the very year I was born. He sent it to me. His favorite baseball team hails from the city my dad was born and raised in. Crush never lived there, he just always liked the team.
37. We are both better on the phone initially than in person. We both get tongue tied and act like fools when we are nervous. We were both ambivalent about dating for the most part. People always liked us and we were somewhat "meh" about it.
38. We both love children. We are both not ready for them yet and want to have time post marriage without them.
39. We both went to schools in towns that share the same name, but in different states. We were both in these towns at the same time (me undergrad, him grad). We both struggled a bit in school, but ended up working hard and getting good grades.
40. We are both very hard workers, we both work for ourselves.
41. We are both not too hot at science or math.
42. We both like to take long walks and exercise.
43. We both like shooting guns, but we both hate killing animals. Clay birds for us.
44. We both find great joy in making our families proud.
45. We both don't drink much.
46. We both love campfires and smores and sing-alongs.
47. We both have never been this honest with anyone until we met each other.
48. We both felt very supernatural things on the same date this spring. I was working and he was attending something that was the same kind of event when it happened....in a different state.
49. His mom has 2 brothers, just like mine.
50. The last time he spoke to his ex was on my mom's birthday. The very day I was supposed to be born. My mom had me C-section a week early because I was ready to come out of the oven, we are lucky we didn't have to share the day....Crush's mom tells him what she wants for her bday as does mine...it is always something small. They both say "having you in my life is a gift enough" when we ask them what we can buy them.
AND......and well, the list could go on and on and on. I look forward to adding to it. I could probably think of 50 more, if I didn't have to work.
So, back to work and walking into parked cars and laughing and crying uncontrollably....
Things can change when you least expect it. Every day is a chance for something amazing to happen....