My mom is the BEST discount shopper. Take her to any TJ Maxx or Marshalls and she will find the find. The designer dress or purse hiding among all of the crap. She is amazing this way. Like a ninja when she hits the discount racks.
She also has a great eye. She can look at something and just knows that it will look good on me. She also has a weird sense about things I will "need." In the last year, she has really helped me establish a very complete adult wardrobe. For the first time ever, I have appropriate and flattering clothes for every occasion. Dressing is not a chore. It has made my life so much easier....invest in some great fitting blazers...in a few colors, I promise you, it will change your life!!
Crush is proper and all and attends events for things on the regular (he's not some annoying guy who goes to clubs, it's more family stuff), so my dresses and heels that are perfectly prim and proper, will finally come back out....especially now that the zippers are almost at a place where they will realistically zip in a few more weeks! It is also a plus that he has a few inches on me....first time ever for me! Heels with a man. All I ever wanted. All the shorties are always the ones that like me...biology. Awful didn't care that I wore heels, but in them, I was like 8 inches taller than him sometimes and I didn't like it. I had horrible posture with him...trying to slouch down to appear close to the same height. I can stand tall with Crush. Represents so much more than just height.
I am a tall one and my stature has always made dating tough for me. Men telling me I am BIG, masculine, not their type. Crush, he tells me I am just the type he looks for and since my body type isn't one you see every day, it is really just my luck (I am curvy, tall, and also a bit muscular, yet soft...hard to explain....my bff said it best, when I am thin for me, I have a body like Jordin Sparks). I showed him my hands and feet and he told me that he loves that the feet I stand on and the hands I use are strong and able and capable of so many things. That my hands reminded me of the kind that could fix a problem, carry a baby, and climb a tree. It made me cry. For the record, I could never climb a tree, no upper body strength on this girl.
To be truly appreciated, for all the things I always hated about myself.....it is still too much too comprehend.
Once on a date, a man told me I had man hands..it made me so paranoid for a while, I would hide them under dinner tables when I met guys for the first time....I mean, yes, I have vagina issues (damn you porn and airbrushing), but hand issues.....it was getting to be a bit too much. I like that Crush says that everyone was created a bit differently like a snowflake, no flaws are imperfections, they are actually perfections that make the world as beautiful and unique as possible. He says the world would be so boring to look at if everyone looked the same. I know. It really is too much.....but, it is really just what I wished for!
Anyone out there reading that needs a little hope, MAKE A LIST! Bring that better to you. It may not be instant and it may not be easy, but a list of all the things you want: love, life, business....it will help you. I PROMISE!
I digressed again....
Last winter, my mom came back from a bargain trip (her daily activity) with a beautiful designer dress for me. Sumptuous really. Just gorgeous. Light and silk and lacy with boning and the most delicate straps. It may have been found at TJ Maxx, but it still wasn't cheap. This is a dress to wear next to a man formally dressed.....I looked at it and laughed. There was no way I would ever get into it and where would I wear it? It was not even close to fitting, the zipper couldn't even be moved up the track. I told my mom to return it as it was depressing me and she told me:
"This dress isn't for now, this is a dress for your new life, the one you are working towards. You will see, when you least expect it, you will get into this dress and you will have somewhere to wear it, I just know it. I hope at this time, the yo-yo dieting and self hatred may be a thing of the past. You get yourself back in shape when you are ready, but you do it for real this time. Forever. So, start when you are ready."
She said this nearly 10 months ago....
Last night, Crush asked me to a formal party in his hometown in 2 months. This will be the time I will meet his family, if things continue to go well. He just wanted to let me know as an invitation will be sent for me in the mail. I instantly thought, ohhhh, I will try and try only for fun, the never going to happen dress, from last winter. Let me just try and see how much more work I have to go and then I can start thinking about a backup plan.
Well, I slipped it over my head and low and behold, IT FIT! Yes, perhaps 5-7 more pounds will help me just a bit, but it is completely presentable and if I do say so myself, beautiful. I looked in the mirror and started crying (duh!). My mom was right, I had a place to wear it and it finally fit, just when I least expected it!!!!!!
Prior to me beginning my quest back down, I had already lost 12 pounds, so now, I am a bit past 22 pounds total. I have 19 or more to go and I am not sure I will ever get there, really. I am going to take numbers off the table and just see how I feel. I gained 40 pounds total (that was hard to admit!) with the Awful, but when we first met, I was unusually skinny and a bit bobble head looking for me (even at that weight, I weigh sadly more than many men, I am a heavy person....!), so I am not sure I want to go back there....I don't look great SUPER skinny. I like myself with a little giggle and a lot of softness. It goes with my personality.
I am so excited about the dress. It really represents so many great things!
Now, there is this other one, I really want to wear it soon around the holidays.....houndstooth and perfectly Mad Men in the best way possible and the zipper is going halfway up...onward march!