My trip was grand. Sweet, sensual, emotional, new. I have never felt this way before. It is awesome.
I am not a perfect person. I am the first to call myself out here. I was always a bit broken, a bit empty, a bit confused. I liked to blame others, to feel anger, to express my rage, to wail that "life is so unfair!" I still feel this way sometimes, I am only a person.
I took a risk this year. The Crush says that I was brave. I like that. I was brave. I walked away from a situation with Awful that just wasn't working. He really didn't love me, but it was comfortable. With Awful, I got to live a fancy life, have pish-posh possessions, go to expensive restaurants, visit summer homes, take trips....but, but, well.....oy, it was so empty. I would rather cuddle in a box with Crush than spend 1 hour in a mansion with Awful. Life can change so fast. Never forget that.
Today marks one year since I walked out of my life with Awful. One year since I called up my parents sobbing at the ripe old age of 30 and begged to be rescued. One year since I fled the empty promises and decided to start the best life for ME. How humbling it has been. Broke, alone, in my childhood bed, scared, failing I felt, but at the same time learning. Feeling the lowest of low. Letting myself be sad. Not lying about my situation. Not sugarcoating my reality...."yes, things suck right now, but they won't forever." Even in my darkest hours, I knew something better had to come. The light had to break through the clouds. It couldn't get worse, it could only get better. I hit rock bottom. I hit it so hard, I almost knocked my front teeth out.
A few months into my personal transformation, the anger subsided, the "how could he do this to me" left my heart, and I started to stand up a little straighter again, I started to rest, I started to stop the cycle of eating my feelings to calm my emotions. I started to change. I started to quite frankly chill the fuck out.
So, now I am here. One year later. Life is the best it has been in a long time. All of a sudden, I am at peace. I love my family. I love my friends. I am genuinely elated for their happy and broken for their sad. I am not faking it. I am not the green-eyed monster. I am just living life for me and for others, but there is a new balance.
On the second night of Crush and my vacation, he told me that he "felt like he was being rewarded by meeting me because he has always been a good person at the heart of things." Yes, he is a person and a man no less, he's far from perfect, screw perfect, it doesn't exist. He has done dumb shit, but he has owned it....just like me. He said that he knows the "good is coming for us because we did the work internally to bring it to us." I SO believe this. Karma. Basic balance. Apologize when needed, admit fault when you are wrong, learn from the mistakes and try not to make them again. Be conscious, be present, be open to change.
So, what is next? Well, I will be meeting his family in a few weeks and then we will see. I am pretty confidant about us, but I do not want to jinx it. Hopefully, this is it, but if it isn't, well, then the real deal is coming for me. Why? Because I AM FINALLY READY! My heart is ready. I am open and accepting of love, so I know it can come and find me. I am simply enjoying just getting to know Crush better. Everything about him. We have a ton in common, yes, but we are 2 very different people, too.
Our love story has the makings of a modern fairy tale or an urban legend if it all works out. But, if it doesn't, that's okay, too. I let myself feel and for me, that is the best accomplishment of all!
And if you care and are open to TMI.....the sex was FABULOUS.