Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sick, Emotional Eating, Doubt and Other Updates....

I have been just going through the motions this week.....not fun.  Ever since I get back from down south, I have been sick sick sick.  Exhausted, stuffed up, sneezy.  I have allergies now.  I have never had them before.

Sneezing hurts terribly, but the relief I get from a sneeze feels so delicious....very much like popping a zit.  Bring it on.

As for my emotional eating.  It has been out of control.  I looked at the calendar and I realized that in 5 months, I will be moving and I FREAKED OUT.  I am not hungry.  I am filling a hole.  My mouth.  For the first time ever, I bought a few books on emotional eating and I will say, I feel way less alone about it.  For years and years, I thought my eating habits were so shameful, strange, and manic that I was the only person in the world going through a food addiction.  The thing is that I like healthy food and overall, I have pretty good habits: I don't drink alcohol hardly ever (6 drinks or less a month), I don't smoke, I like to workout, I love my fruits and veggies.  It is my own mindset about food that is truly messed up.  I punish myself for eating too much.  I get filled with self hate when I eat something that I didn't even want or plan for.  I become depressed when I have to miss the gym for such things as nursing my cold or meeting with clients.  This isn't working for me.  I have to fix my mind.  I plan on working through it in therapy.  One day at a time.

As for Crush, well, things are a bit ho-hum on that front, but I am getting afraid of something that always seems to creep into my relationships after a while....indifference.  Lately, I just don't have the yearning and passion for Crush that I once did.  Everything he does makes me annoyed and it didn't use to be this way.  You see, I hold a grudge.  Ewww, but I totally do.  When someone hits me in a sensitive spot, I have a hard time recovering and the last trip down, Crush hit me in a spot which made my blood boil (more on this is a moment)...several times actually, and he didn't even realize he was doing it.

I need to figure this out.  I have been super mean to him this last week.  I know it is because I am not feeling well, I am attending a big family event for him this weekend and I am tired of traveling, I am feeling insecure about my weight, and I don't feel up to meeting the hundreds (yes, seriously) of people that I will have to face in a few short days.  I just want to stay in bed and sneeze.  I just want to get into a daily routine.  I just want to sleep.  No one ever said a long-distance relationship was easy...

So, as for my sensitive spot.....Crush doesn't think before he speaks.  He does and says things sometime that make me question his mental state.  I am really harsh, so it is totally possible that I am over-sensitive and insane, I know this.

The 2 things that happened when I visited, both after my friends left, that left me with a very bad taste in my mouth:

1.  He told me we needed to see each other more even though we have seen each other 10 times, with 4 future trips planned (this weekend, in 3 weeks, Memorial weekend, and then 2 weeks after that) and now my busy season starts.  Of those 10 times we have already gotten together: 6 - I have gone to him,  1- We met in the middle, 2 - he came to me.  I have planned every single trip.  Flights, hotels, meals.....I am super sick of it.  When I ask him for input, he acts interested and then never follows up.  So, in reality, I am being sent the message that he is not super interested in planning anything, just seeing me.  Time to be a grownup, Crush.

THE COMMENT PISSED ME OFF!  I work many many weekends and when I do make the time and trip to see him, there is a ton that needs to be done work wise to make it happen.  I am giving up my life here (happily) and moving (to a state and place I love), but still, where is the appreciation?

2.  He did something that scared me.  So much so, that I am having to really reflect on it. It was such a stupid thing to do.  I was driving his car and had been for 2 hours (driving myself to the airport) and 5 minutes from my final destination, Crush takes it upon himself to adjust my seat, WHILE I AM DRIVING.  He pulled the seat adjuster thing and all of a sudden I went flying backwards while going 80 mph on the expressway and my feet no longer touched the petals.  I thought we were going to die.

In those mere seconds, my life flashed before my eyes.  So much so, that one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a while was because I was questioning if I should even share this.  I swerved through traffic and was able to figure out how to slide my seat all the way forward, so I could at least gain control of the car.  In my absolute freak out, I did manage to scream...."WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!??????" and all he could say was "I was trying to help you, you looked uncomfortable, I was trying to help you!!!!!"

Where is the sense?  We could have died.  I am still processing this. Can I have children with a person that would does this?  He knows what he did was stupid.  He said it was "the dumbest thing I ever did" and I want to believe him.  I do.  Because I love him.  He wants to help everyone. All at the same time. It is something I hate about him, but love about him, too.  What is a gal to do?!

It has been keeping me up night after night.


  1. First, I've never had allergies, until just recently, so I know how this can make you feel. I was super manic when I had them and it stressed me out even more. However, get some Zyrtec (or however its spelled), I ordered the Kirkland generic brand from Amazon bcs I am cheap.

    Secondly, I fully, FULLY understand emotional eating. You just want to do it. Your so stressed out or overwhelmed that you deserve to treat yourself. Just make one thing about this day good. Well, fuck that, because after you do that, tell me if you will feel better? If you have a journal, this is the time to write before you do something how you felt. Then after you ate something how you felt. It will probably be the same, just with a sugar high. Also, getting grumpy about missing working out is totally normal. I do it, and super fit Rabbit does it. You're missing that sweat/feel good 'me time'. Its healthy. Treating yourself with food is not healthy.

    Traveling a lot is hard, especially if you are a homebody, or like creature comforts. Also, a lot of resentment can come up on your side for leaving your entire life. However, it needs to be worth it for you. I heard this so much from my friend that moved from lovely San Diego, to a blah city in Southern Texas. She hated it there, still does to my knowledge. However, love conquers all right? It was worth it to her to be with him, his wife, even if that meant leaving her home city and family for 3 years.

    Perhaps you feel as if your level of commitment to moving, isn't matching his level of commitment, AKA putting a ring on your finger. Maybe you want him to SHOW you how serious he is, just like how serious you are being about this?

    It seems like the levels don't match. He isn't SHOWING you his commitment by visiting, you are doing most of the work here. Resentment builds fast and easy, so you need to express these things to him in a clear and concise way.

    The seat thing, I think it was a stupid mistake. Unless he has done something similar before, I would just forgive him for it and move along.

    5 months is a long time. Sure, you think days go by fast, but that's because you don't look back and analyze every minute of every hour. Just the good or bad things that happen that day. Count out the days, plan spin and barre classes, do you. You still have a lot of time left.

    1. Thank you for this wonderful thoughtful comment. I appreciate it so much. It is so much about the showing me. I was open with him yesterday and he bought a ticket up north last night......so at least he hears me. I think the 5 month scare came much with thinking about all of the things I haven't been able to get done, like losing weight, in the last year.....made me realize that 5 months can go by when I don't want to do the work needed........thank you again!

  2. R&F... I was starting to worry about you. Glad you're back. Here are my thoughts. Emotional eating - can't help you - still can't get that under control. I think you may be taking things out on crush because you are not in your comfort zone. Moving is the second most stressful thing someone can go thru. Death of a spouse being first. After 23 years of marriage - they could switch places every once in awhile. Adjusting your seat - well all I can say are men are idiots. They just don't think. But that doesn't mean they don't love you. If you had a perfect life what could you write about? And what fabulous blog would make me laugh? Love your comment on the "sneeze."

    1. Thank you for the wonderful comment. Thank you thank you! I am taking so much of my life and bad feelings out on Crush. I realize this and it needs to stop. I would hate if he did the same to me!!!! He gets a pass from time to on the stupid things....he is a man after all!

  3. I can understand completely why you'd be upset about the imbalance in traveling to spend time together. Even though you are moving there and won't need to do this long-distance set-up any more, it doesn't alleviate the anger you feel now. After all, you want assurance that he'll figuratively meet you half-way in other things. So it may be worth bringing it up rather than having resentment build up? Hang in there :)


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......