I have been just going through the motions this week.....not fun. Ever since I get back from down south, I have been sick sick sick. Exhausted, stuffed up, sneezy. I have allergies now. I have never had them before.
Sneezing hurts terribly, but the relief I get from a sneeze feels so delicious....very much like popping a zit. Bring it on.
As for my emotional eating. It has been out of control. I looked at the calendar and I realized that in 5 months, I will be moving and I FREAKED OUT. I am not hungry. I am filling a hole. My mouth. For the first time ever, I bought a few books on emotional eating and I will say, I feel way less alone about it. For years and years, I thought my eating habits were so shameful, strange, and manic that I was the only person in the world going through a food addiction. The thing is that I like healthy food and overall, I have pretty good habits: I don't drink alcohol hardly ever (6 drinks or less a month), I don't smoke, I like to workout, I love my fruits and veggies. It is my own mindset about food that is truly messed up. I punish myself for eating too much. I get filled with self hate when I eat something that I didn't even want or plan for. I become depressed when I have to miss the gym for such things as nursing my cold or meeting with clients. This isn't working for me. I have to fix my mind. I plan on working through it in therapy. One day at a time.
As for Crush, well, things are a bit ho-hum on that front, but I am getting afraid of something that always seems to creep into my relationships after a while....indifference. Lately, I just don't have the yearning and passion for Crush that I once did. Everything he does makes me annoyed and it didn't use to be this way. You see, I hold a grudge. Ewww, but I totally do. When someone hits me in a sensitive spot, I have a hard time recovering and the last trip down, Crush hit me in a spot which made my blood boil (more on this is a moment)...several times actually, and he didn't even realize he was doing it.
I need to figure this out. I have been super mean to him this last week. I know it is because I am not feeling well, I am attending a big family event for him this weekend and I am tired of traveling, I am feeling insecure about my weight, and I don't feel up to meeting the hundreds (yes, seriously) of people that I will have to face in a few short days. I just want to stay in bed and sneeze. I just want to get into a daily routine. I just want to sleep. No one ever said a long-distance relationship was easy...
So, as for my sensitive spot.....Crush doesn't think before he speaks. He does and says things sometime that make me question his mental state. I am really harsh, so it is totally possible that I am over-sensitive and insane, I know this.
The 2 things that happened when I visited, both after my friends left, that left me with a very bad taste in my mouth:
1. He told me we needed to see each other more even though we have seen each other 10 times, with 4 future trips planned (this weekend, in 3 weeks, Memorial weekend, and then 2 weeks after that) and now my busy season starts. Of those 10 times we have already gotten together: 6 - I have gone to him, 1- We met in the middle, 2 - he came to me. I have planned every single trip. Flights, hotels, meals.....I am super sick of it. When I ask him for input, he acts interested and then never follows up. So, in reality, I am being sent the message that he is not super interested in planning anything, just seeing me. Time to be a grownup, Crush.
THE COMMENT PISSED ME OFF! I work many many weekends and when I do make the time and trip to see him, there is a ton that needs to be done work wise to make it happen. I am giving up my life here (happily) and moving (to a state and place I love), but still, where is the appreciation?
2. He did something that scared me. So much so, that I am having to really reflect on it. It was such a stupid thing to do. I was driving his car and had been for 2 hours (driving myself to the airport) and 5 minutes from my final destination, Crush takes it upon himself to adjust my seat, WHILE I AM DRIVING. He pulled the seat adjuster thing and all of a sudden I went flying backwards while going 80 mph on the expressway and my feet no longer touched the petals. I thought we were going to die.
In those mere seconds, my life flashed before my eyes. So much so, that one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a while was because I was questioning if I should even share this. I swerved through traffic and was able to figure out how to slide my seat all the way forward, so I could at least gain control of the car. In my absolute freak out, I did manage to scream...."WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!??????" and all he could say was "I was trying to help you, you looked uncomfortable, I was trying to help you!!!!!"
Where is the sense? We could have died. I am still processing this. Can I have children with a person that would does this? He knows what he did was stupid. He said it was "the dumbest thing I ever did" and I want to believe him. I do. Because I love him. He wants to help everyone. All at the same time. It is something I hate about him, but love about him, too. What is a gal to do?!
It has been keeping me up night after night.