Please don't judge the even more typos than normal on this post, I'm typing it from my iPad between appointments.
So, the eating these days has been out of control. Emotional. Yearning. Obsessing. Not fun.
This results in utter self loathing. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to be accountable for plans. Not wanting to take a photo. Hiding from life. Food is a real addiction. It makes me do things I wish I didn't do.
I am getting back to basics with my diet. The first step is no more dieting and no more scale.
Both turn into obsessive competitions for me. Little pictures, when I need to be focusing on my big one.....the food abuse that comes with emotional eating.
First step for me is simply retraining my hunger cues. Am I eating because I am hungry? 90 percent of the time I am not. I am reaching for food for distraction, for comfort, for companionship....in the past I used sex, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol to ease the same feelings and now food is my last addiction to confront head on.
I haven't actually gained weight. A few pounds of vacation last week, but nothing major. The thing is that I feel the tidal wave of a binge brewing. I feel the self hatred, depression, and lack of excitement that often accompanies a binge and I don't want to do it this time. I want to face it. I want to feel the pain that needs to escape from me. I need to stop using food as my ban-aid and let my wounds heal naturally. It is time.
This all being said, I will let you all know about the food issues, but I'm putting the scale away for a bit and quitting the calorie counting for weight loss (just journaling and counting for a reference point for my hunger cues) and I am going to work this out. Inside out, top to bottom, tears and self hatred to come. I am ready. For many reasons. But, mostly because who I am to judge Crush for his shortcomings and stupid what he may dos when I am addicted to food.
Always Right Bestie read yesterday's post and offered me great insight with my recent struggles. The message was that we all have something to work on. Crush with his social skills a bit and thinking before he acts and me......well, food is just the tip of the iceberg. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite......
Happy Hump Day!