I really only had 2 boyfriends before Crush. Neither of them were very good. 1 was a sociopath that I found in bed with an 18 year old girl and 1 was Awful.....oy.
Somewhere in the middle of those two, I met a man who I slept with on and off for 2+ years. I never considered him a boyfriend, but he did tell me he loved me and considered me his girlfriend when I was thin. I told him I loved him back, but I truly didn't mean it. I feel bad even typing that, but it is true. Let's call him Simple Simon.
Simple Simon wasn't that smart even though he had a job that would lead you to believe that he was. SS embarrassed me. He wasn't polished, he was selfish in bed, and a terrible kisser at first (he became quite awesome).....SS was super cheap and had money issues......but, there was something I liked about him....
He was impressed by my accomplishments. He liked that I knew how to do things: cook, clean, have sex, etc. He also liked that I had hobbies: acting, reading, working out, riding my bike.....I think he thought I may have been out of his league and I believed I was, too. I hesitated introducing him to my friends.....and when we did hang out with them, well, he always acted like a fool. It mortified me. So much so that I wished for "someone that did not embarrass me in public" on my husband list because of SS.
SS and I met at a Fourth of July Party 5 years ago. We were both VERY drunk. We made out that night and then continued to hang out off and on. He was using me for sex. I was using him for sex, even though it wasn't very good. I was just lonely. All of my friends were coupled up and having fun with their significant others. All I wanted was some company and all he wanted was to get laid.
SS never wanted to go anywhere with me publicly. I was going through a chubby phase and he told me that my weight embarrassed him. I didn't like him enough to care or lose weight. Whatever. One night he called me to tell me he couldn't see me anymore because he was falling in love with me and I wasn't what he pictured in his plans. I asked him what his plans were and he couldn't tell me.
A few weeks later, he told me I was beautiful, but my weight and religion (he was Catholic and I'm Jewish) made it impossible for us to have a future. I remember feeling sad during this conversation, but not at all broken.....I was slightly whatever about it. I liked him, but I didn't love him and I did not see a real future with him either. I also wanted to watch something on TV that night, I remember just wanting to get off the phone.
Summer turned into fall and my sister got engaged. We lost touch and I began working out and eating well and dropping the pounds. 30 or so in a matter of months. My metabolism is so messed up for losing and gaining weight off and on starting when I was 20, so this is just how my body works. We ran into each other one night as I was leaving the gym and he was jogging and his jaw hit the floor when he saw me. Now that I was thin, I was closer to his ideal....the remaining issue was then just my religion.
We started hanging out again and I loved having the power and feeling sexy. His approval was a turn-on for me. We hung out often. I cooked for him, we went for bike rides, he joined me for a business trip to New Orleans, and we even spent 1 NYE together with one of my best friends. But, my heart was never in it. We were too different. He was a jerk, even though I don't truly think he believed he was one. He told me all about other girls. I decided to date other men. It was a bit of a mess. Yet, he continued to tell me he loved me and I continued to say it back.....lies. I would never do that now. NEVER. Another huge issue I had with him was that he was a porn addict. He wanted to have sex porno style and he was often disrespectful to me in bed. I didn't have the self confidence or awareness to tell him to stop treating me like shit.
I slept with him the entire summer before Sissy's wedding. I didn't invite him to the wedding. I didn't want to introduce him to my family. Like I said, he embarrassed me.
A few weeks before the wedding, I was at his condo (that his brother who is an accomplished surgeon bought him) cooking him dinner and he decided to get drunk. He had had a bad day at work and he couldn't explain why, he could never articulate his thoughts very well, but he was upset. He started taking shots of Jack Daniels and became drunk quickly. It was terrifying. He never drank much. He wolfed down his food and then proceeded to load the dishwasher and started going on and on about how awesome it was that he had a dishwasher. I had one in my place and as awesome as dishwashers are, it was all really odd. Then, he put bathroom soap into the machine....like, he squirted the soap over the dishes like water from a hose.....I tried to correct him and he called me a "fat, ugly, Jewish, know it all bitch." I grabbed my purse and left.
As I walked briskly back to my place, I knew that I never wanted to see him again....EVER. I told my doorman to not let him up ever again and I deleted him from my phone.
I was actually relieved because I was looking for a way out and he gave it to me. It was what I wanted. I wanted to dump him flat on his face for not wanting to date me at first because I was fat.
SS was hard to shake. He showed up at my place, my gym, my work. I never told anyone. I felt like he wasn't really smart enough to do anything bad and he lived in fear of the DUI he had gotten years before and was very careful and afraid of police, so at least I had that on my side.
Eventually he went away....every few months I do get an email for him asking me to coffee and offering an apology. I always delete it without responding.
I cyber-stalked him a few days ago and not surprisingly, he is still single.
I wish him the best, I really do. So happy I didn't settle for that.
It is times like these when I realize how lucky I am for Crush.