When I dated, I dated hard.
I hit the websites. Sometimes, Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid all at once.
I double booked days. Sometimes three dates on one Sunday.
I treated dating like a second job. A means to an end. When I was ready to face the shame, embarrassment, rejection, and emotional turmoil that naturally came with it....I embraced the wave because I knew it would come crashing over me again and I would need and deserve a temporary dating break..... gasping for air, tired and exhausted from being beat down again.
On the round of dating that I met Crush, I had pretty much given up entirely. I had felt like every single person online in my town; I had either met, had been out on a date with already, or knew of and I didn't like and that was leaving me feeling pretty darn blue.
My last round of dates before I met Crush was the "almost" I had gotten used to. The good on paper guy. He was Jewish, taller than me, very sweet, an Ivy League doctor completing his fellowship. We went out 5 times, never kissed, and I knew in my heart, he wasn't the one. When he sent me a text message telling me that "he didn't think we could get together anytime again soon because he was so busy on his new rotation," I was devastated even though I didn't like him, couldn't imagine being intimate with him, and he hated coffee and thought coffee was evil for some reason, so being with him wouldn't have been the best for me anyway...no sex OR coffee? Life wouldn't really go on for me if those were the terms. No guy was worth that.
After Doctor and I parted asexual ways....I broke down. "WHY WHY WHY. Why me...!?!?!?!?"
A few weeks later, I went away, made my husband list and focused on immediate goals and clients. When Crush and I started corresponding, I thought VERY little of it.....because I was used to the never going to happen....now I reason that because I broke my own rules, I think I may have caught Crush without even realizing it.
Crush and I got off to a slow start our first go round. We actually had two starts....which I will get to below. The first time, he made promises to call and never did. He responded to a long heartfelt email I sent (after he sent me a LOOOONG first one ALL about him, so my response to his) with a "thanks for the email, I am super busy and will get back to you soon" and never did. He randomly called me to complain about his broken down Saab convertible and how the dry cleaner messed up his tux that he needed for a charity event....and I almost barfed. PRETENTIOUS LOSER ALERT was flashing in my mind. He went on to tell me that he had 1600 friends on Facebook and that I was strange for not being on there (he is now contemplating deleting his account) and that he went to prep school and had a maid....I gagged while talking to him and made fun of him which was very poor character thinking about it. I deleted him from my phone and email. I thought, what a spoiled self centered prick.
SIDE NOTE: The thing is that my Crush is the most literal person I have EVER met. I told him once that his earnestness reminds me of Forrest Gump and he thanked me. All of his recounts were just him telling me about his present life and I read WAY into it. I now think this could be a nerdy inexperienced guy thing and I bet all of these guys I wrote off for being "too cool" were probably just "SUPER nerdy" and are most likely making some lucky gals, great husbands.
At the time Crush and I had our 1.0, I stopped telling everyone my personal business and started to date a bit secretly. I decided to protect myself. My life was not a story for people to chat about over dinner (the blog is....hahahaha, chat away!)....Other than the blog, I decided to not to over share the dramatics of my life because it was taking a toll on me. I was getting sick of explaining all of my never going anywhere male company to friends...."no, not that guy, we stopped texting a month again, this guy is new, he is really cute and a lawyer, no the other one was an accountant........!" I was feeling like a mockery, a fraud, a joke, a broken record of "well, it was a good date, but nothing happened and there is no second one scheduled". It was killing me on the inside, yet, I put my best foot forward and tried my hardest to be happy, open, and positive.
One day, I was leaving an appointment and my phone rang. Weird number, weird area code. I decided to take it as I was working out of town that upcoming weekend and reasoned it was most likely a call regarding work. It was Crush. Had I known it was him, I would have NEVER picked up the phone or returned his call. EVER. I wouldn't have even listened to his voicemail as I HATED him at this point. He told me he would do things and didn't. He bragged about himself. He was spoiled. He was dead to me.
But, he caught me off guard and that led to a wonderful conversation. One that lasted hours and hours. He let me know why he was distracted earlier in our correspondence: because his grandmother passed away, his ex-fiance who he hadn't spoken to for months came back to return the ring (he told her she could keep it) and his 8 year old Saab broke down under an underpass during a massive storm and he had to handle insurance, renting a car, and buying a new one all at the same time. The tuxedo was for an event honoring his deceased and beloved Nanny and he was supposed to wear a specific one (tails) that she loved and he had been running all over town trying to get a new coat as to not stress out his family......it all made sense.
From that conversation, not a single day has passed that we haven't chatted on the phone. I gave him TONS of credit for calling me up after we had a huge lapse of communication, admitting his reality which wasn't super glamorous (I was picking up on something.....and it was that he didn't want to scare me away with the broken off engagement), and following his heart.....
We are trying to figure out our anniversary for the purposes of what date to celebrate and we decided on the date of this conversation mentioned above...which is just 2 months to the day after I wrote my husband list down on paper and 3 weeks after we first became acquainted.
Last night while we were having our daily before bed chat, I asked him why he called me up again and he told me that he just had this intense feeling that I was his wife from the first time he looked at me and even though it got off to a rocky start full of misconceptions, he figured that the things out of his control were out of his control (passing of Nanny, car, ex), but calling me was something he could take ownership over, so he took the risk. He then said that he would have called me as many times as it took to connect as he could feel something when he spoke to me, even if I was guarding myself...up until Crush, I had dated the same man in different bodies ten times, so I thought I was being so smart...
Also, he loved my email response to his bitching about his broken car which was....
"So sorry about your fancy car breaking down. That stinks. I know how frustrating life can be sometimes and how telling someone "that's life!" when something annoying happens is just about the most annoying thing ever. If it makes you feel better, I am off to deal with a business situation much like your car....pretty from the outside, but absolutely broken from the inside...best of luck with your flooded ride and if you can't get it to start again, perhaps you can use it as a boat or a flower planter. Always have a plan B and I wish you the best of luck. I know it is hard to get up after you have been knocked down and I applaud you for it, not everyone can do that. Have a great day!
That email was off the top of my head, I didn't even reread it before I sent it off (as can be seen with the use of "best of luck" twice.....I stopped caring about all men at this time down to the emails I was supposed to impress them with) and it captured my real voice and my real heart and now........my real future.