You Gotta Have Faith and Other Self Declarations of Pretty Okayness

Have faith in yourself.  Religious preferences aside.

Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.

I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old.  I know.  I am sorry.  I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself.  I get it.  I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can.  Trust me.  And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days.  Now, I just own my reality.

Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back.  I am amazing myself, actually.  I don't get stuck on things like I used to.  I don't hold grudges.  I allow myself to treat every situation separately.  To process it and move on.  This blog is helping a lot.

While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it.  Just do the best you can.  Wrap things up and move on.  This is like the last semester of high school.  You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.

Clients are unhappy with me.  Why?  Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired.  Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad.  Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a backbone now.  When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady).  I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do.  Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!).  All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed.  I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?  THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME!  Well,  I wanted to be giving and kind.  I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts.  I needed to be heard.  I wanted to fix these people.

And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........

SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad.  My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party......  There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though.  My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest.  JUST LIKE CRUSH.  Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me.  But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY!  I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).

Back to the life rant:

I didn't listen to my inner voice.  My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......

From failure comes success.  I know this.

I am learning.

For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane.  I was living an insane life.  I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning.  I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.

BROKEN.

I spun my wheels.  I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.

I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay.  I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!).  I was so conflicted.  But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it.  I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready.  Life would suck without Crush. SUCK.  It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever.  I am my own biggest fan.  I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart.  My insides are good.  I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back.  Can everyone say that?

My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2.  He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..

Phase 1: Dating

Phase 2: Engagement

Phase 3: Marriage

Phase 4: Kids

I had to tell him.....let's just wait.  I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment.  This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list.  He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."

Made me cry.