Thursday, April 25, 2013

You Gotta Have Faith and Other Self Declarations of Pretty Okayness

Have faith in yourself.  Religious preferences aside.

Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.

I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old.  I know.  I am sorry.  I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself.  I get it.  I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can.  Trust me.  And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days.  Now, I just own my reality.

Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back.  I am amazing myself, actually.  I don't get stuck on things like I used to.  I don't hold grudges.  I allow myself to treat every situation separately.  To process it and move on.  This blog is helping a lot.

While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it.  Just do the best you can.  Wrap things up and move on.  This is like the last semester of high school.  You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.

Clients are unhappy with me.  Why?  Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired.  Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad.  Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a backbone now.  When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady).  I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do.  Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!).  All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed.  I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?  THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME!  Well,  I wanted to be giving and kind.  I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts.  I needed to be heard.  I wanted to fix these people.

And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........

SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad.  My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party......  There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though.  My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest.  JUST LIKE CRUSH.  Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me.  But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY!  I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).

Back to the life rant:

I didn't listen to my inner voice.  My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......

From failure comes success.  I know this.

I am learning.

For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane.  I was living an insane life.  I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning.  I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.


I spun my wheels.  I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.

I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay.  I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!).  I was so conflicted.  But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it.  I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready.  Life would suck without Crush. SUCK.  It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever.  I am my own biggest fan.  I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart.  My insides are good.  I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back.  Can everyone say that?

My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2.  He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..

Phase 1: Dating

Phase 2: Engagement

Phase 3: Marriage

Phase 4: Kids

I had to tell him.....let's just wait.  I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment.  This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list.  He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."

Made me cry.


  1. So sweet. Do your parents know you blog? You have said such wonderful things about them, I'm sure they would be touched.

    1. Aww, thank you! I share entries with them, like this one, when it applies to them and they are touched. I have always loved and appreciated my folks because they really are wonderful people. But, since I have moved home, I realize JUST how good they are. I see this little time home as a gift that I was given. Because I got to know my parents as an adult (living together will do that!) and for that I will always be grateful. They know they can come live with me down south one day! Thank you as always for reading!

    2. How could I NOT read someone who quotes Kim Zolziak or however you spell her name. By the way... I think the hubby is toooo good for her.

    3. I agree with Kroy being too good for her! He is such a good guy and I find him quite yummy. She is a real example of someone who never gave up on what she wanted.....! I may have to go watch her new show now......

  2. I love these posts. I can relate to a lot of things about your life/what you have written, and it really inspires me to keep on keeping on!

    I think I'm doing just an okay job of letting things roll off my back, and I'm trying to not hold grudges, but that is something I really need to work on!

    You are doing such a wonderful job being the REAL you! So glad that you started a blog, because like I said, I take your advice quite seriously and love to read your stories of change and growth... and of course all the inbetween.

    1. THANK YOU SO MUCH! I love your posts. I relate to them. We all move at our own pace and live and learn from our experiences. One of the best things about technology in my opinion are these blogs....reading that awesome, real life, and capable ladies are also having the SAME issues....good, bad, and hilarious. I remember reading Sarah's blog in it's entirety last year during a bout of insomnia (I have also read ALL of yours, too!) and thinking that I could have written so much of it and it made me realize that we are not alone. You have made me think of things differently with your beautiful writing and changed me for the better. I am excited to be able to share more when I move.....including HORROR/HILARIOUS stories about former clients (nightmares) that I currently don't feel comfortable enough to blog until I revamp my business including the name.....thank you for your kindness and support and I LOVE LOVE LOVE your stories, too!

  3. It's amazing to get back to the real you, isn't it? To be the best version of you that you can be in so many ways. Definitely enjoy things as they are now, you deserve it!

    1. It is! It feels like how I imagine going nude at a beach would feel....totally liberating! Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I often think now, so much can change in so little is quite amazing this way.


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......