I am a planner.
It is my job.
I feel safe with plans.
I like to know where I stand.
One of the things I hated about Awful was that he couldn't give me a plan. He couldn't tell me if he was going to convert, when I could expect (I am not talking months here....I am talking years....like, can I expect to be engaged before 2013) to move things forward, his plans for relocating (there was talk about moving to another state), and just in general what the future would hold for us as a couple.
Awful lived in the present moment and I will admit, I admire him for that. I am too uptight to live in anything but fear of everything...
Crush lives in the past, present, and future. I LOVE HIM FOR THIS. I know our plan. We talk about the future confidently and realistically. I know where I stand. It helps me sleep at night. It helps me be good to him. It helps my family feel like I am not going to move 1,400 miles away for nothing.
I will be engaged this year. I know, it is a bold statement. I just know it. Crush told me and I believe and trust him. He doesn't say anything he doesn't mean. 2013 is the year I will become someone's fiance. Then, I will become a bride in 2014 g-dwilling. I will be 33.......EXACTLY the age the clarivoyant who told me I would marry my soul mate told me I would be. She drew 2 wedding rings and the number 33 next to them....I was 30 when I saw her and I felt a bit miffed at the time because I wanted my husband NOW NOW NOW! How was she SO right?
Crush and I will have a good life. We will live in the city next year, but we won't live together until we are married. When we get married, we will move to his hometown, where he will join the family business and I will have some babies, again, g-dwilling. I plan to work a bit here and there, but he is old fashioned and being a mother is very respected in his family, so I will be home at least when we have little ones and I am excited about this, too. I will work to become a teacher during this time.....we plan to start trying to get pregnant soon after we marry.....we want to make sure we have time to have more than 2, just in case we decide to.
These plans excite me! They motivate me, too. I want to be my best self. My true self. My happy and confidant self. I think this year, 2013, may be the best year of my life thus far and I want to savor every single second of it. I AM SO EXCITED!
I have been sleeping much better these days and it is really helping my anxiety, restlessness, and overall uncertainty. There are many things to do, but they are doable. Also and most importantly, I will be focusing on eating better and working out. More for health than vanity. This a huge change for me. I am at the point where I just want to be healthy and not just thin. I want to focus on my insides first.....right now, I am willing myself not to eat pizza. It is hard, but there are so many other things to enjoy.
Hope all is well out there in Cyberland.
R & F