Skinny.
FUCK IT.
Crush and I are in a bit of a tiff.
Lately, he keeps talking about how skinny everyone is. It is really triggering me.
I feel that little voice inside me. Calling me. Tempting me. "Starve R&F. See how long you can restrict your calories so Crush will say you are ALSO skinny."
Every bout of dieting until this last one which I started BEFORE I even met Crush, was because of a comment about my weight by a man. Every single time. For me diets start after insults. Therefore, I have not been able to lose weight because I have never done it for me. For my health. For my needs. I did it so men would call me skinny and MOSTLY, so no one would call me falsely pregnant or fat.
But, I am fat now. Fluffy. I am for me and I am okay with it. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have been to the gym the last 6 days in a row. I have been on WeightWatchers on plan for nearly 3 weeks. I am feeling good. I want to be thinner, but I don't want to be skinny.
Crush cannot stop:
"Your friend Lynn is skinny"
"Your sister is so skinny after 2 kids"
"Your cousin is skinny and has such toned arms"
"My mom wants you to try to set my brother up, but she says he only likes skinny girls."
Today shit hit the fan. While discussing my cousin above, he told me in passing "you are so much bigger than your cousin."
I am. She is 5'0" and I am 5'10". She is in a skinny phase of her life. She is under tremendous pressure. Crush doesn't know anything about her.
I went NUTS.
Because I have a feeling his mom is telling him that I am great and beautiful, but that I should lose weight, especially if we are to be married in the near future. I often have these delusional fantasies about my weight and what people say about it negatively....but, I can read Crush like an open book. I KNOW him. I also know how important thin is to his family and how his sister lost 40+ pounds for her wedding and in my opinion took it WAY WAY too far as she looked gorgeous before (and the excessive weight loss took away from her beauty) and I think she felt she needed to be the absolute skinniest she could EVER be, so no one could call her fat.....I know how it feels to be told that, "you have such a pretty face, BUT..." SUCKS!
I asked him directly about all the skinny stuff and why he can't stop commenting on it and he is hemming and hawing and said he loves me just the way I am which I believe.
The only thing Crush is guilty of is that he is a TOTAL momma's boy and his momma is an excellent person, but I think she was brought up in fear of being fat, so it is ingrained in her. Anything over skinny, so even normal weight, is fat to her. I have noticed that she talks about food, her weight, and other people's weight a lot. Crush has no idea about healthy food and unhealthy food. He is lucky he has such a great metabolism. He is clueless when it comes to diet and nutrition.
My fear isn't as much about me. I just don't want that skinny talk in my home, especially if we have daughters.
My Sissy fights it on the daily as her mother-in-law has food issues and is very particular with what my sister puts in her kids mouths...they once got in a fight because she didn't want Big Baby to have strawberries because they have sugar.....OY!
Nothing in life in perfect. Even the best ones have something. I think this will be our little struggle and I am staying firm and fat (ish)...literally.
Ugh, I understand the mentality, and its so old school. That was the thing back then (very Betty Draper al la Mad Men where cigarettes were the 'skinny food group'). However, I don't like that vanity is creeping into your guys relationship. Isn't it a big thing in the south? At least with the debutante people I would assume so. I think she should be happy that he is dating (and wants to marry) a good and caring person.
ReplyDeleteIf some mother of a guy I wanted to marry was making comments like that to him, I don't know what I'd do. Probably eat to comfort myself. That's what happens when you have a food addiction!
As far as the future goes, this would be your family that YOU have with crush. Yes, his mother would be part of it, but she had her chance to raise children. This is your chance. If she ever, ever questions what you teach your children about nutrition or wellness, you have EVERY right to take her aside and tell her that you don't want that kind of talk in your home, and if she can't respect that, then you need to have a real serious conversation about boundaries, etc.
I will be raising my children on a whole foods/natural LIFESTYLE not a diet mentality. They can eat as many strawberries as they want, and BTW berries are one of the lowest fructose fruits. Jeez lady, take a science class!
SO OLD SCHOOL!!! We have discussed this in detail and I know he loves me for me thick or thin, but all the talk about weight....IT IS SO MUCH and as I said, super triggering!!!
DeleteCrush has agreed to keep all skinny and fat talk out of conversation and especially out of our future home. He is worried about his sister (who has disordered eating) and it is manifesting in all sorts of ways.....he admitted that he is trying to justify thinness because admitting the truth sometimes is super hard and scary....I should know!!!
Take a science class is right!!! Healthy and natural foods WILL always be in my home!
Thank you for the wonderful comment!
All I can tell you, R&F is keep up the good work working out and WW. Tell Crush to lose the "S" word. Your future MIL is from another generation. One that never knew the word eating disorder. Keep on pluggin...You're doing great. And by the way, I am 5'1 and I hope in my next life I can be 5'10"!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!! He has since agreed to drop the s word...thank goodness! He is a really fantastic one because he hears me. I am lucky for this! And.....I have always wanted to be short! The grass is always greener...........
DeleteI think once you are ok with yourself, it will become easier to stand up to the mom...and frankly, he met you and loved you through the few pounds you have gained and lost already. Dude wants you. So. Ya know. But he needs to learn your triggers as well and stay away from them;)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right!!! He has heard me about the triggers, thank goodness. Hopefully no more S word!
DeleteAs much as I love my [Jewish] mother-in-law (like really, I am so happy to have a mother love her), they always have their input. Your weight, your wedding, your relationship. Hell, I just got done having a conversation about living room pillows and the cost associated with them.
ReplyDeleteTake a good look at yourself and your relationship. a) it's about the two of you and all other unsolicited garbage is crap. b) Crush picked you. No matter what he says, and by all means we no guys are clueless, he can't sensor. Most dudes can't.
And I've got another S word for you - SUCK it. Which is exactly what you need to tell ANYONE when they give you unsolicited input on anything. (Except me.)
xo
YES with the MIL.....I can see how this is going to be and I love her so already, but there will input, lots of it. Sometimes, I am NOT going to like it.
DeleteHe cannot sensor at all. He also is the sweetest mama's boy and parrots sentiments without realizing how the words can make me feel.
I am going to practice saying SUCK IT. GREAT ADVICE. I am such a people pleaser that it is taking some practice, but I am getting the hang of it!!!!
I don't think Crush is trying to be hurtful; my guess is that since you're sensitive to weight, you happen to notice every time he mentions someone's weight. This is me trying to give him the benefit of the doubt :)
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to mesh two people's different upbringings and lifestyles when it comes to food. I've had my own issues - my parents let me eat all the junk I wanted because they themselves have wonderful metabolisms and weren't big eaters in the first place. They couldn't figure out why I was so overweight. Finally, at 23, they essentially bullied me into losing weight. If I have kids, they'll also be raised with health (and not appearance) in mind!
I think you are right. I am sensitive about my weight...TOTALLY. Every time something weight related happens....I make it about my self. I cannot help it!
DeleteIt is so hard to mesh upbringings. You are very right. I plan to raise kids with health and only health in mind as what is on the inside is so much more important than the outside.... I can't pass on my own obsession with the outside to my future kin (if I have them)....it is what is on the inside that counts. Have fun tonight!!!!!