Sunday, February 3, 2013

I Just Have to Snark for 1 Minute Here

I couldn't sleep last night.

I went out to supper for one of my best friend's birthdays and ate a yummy meal with a few lovely couples.  They spoke ALL about their beautiful little ones and I got a bit of baby fever.....

When I returned, I spoke to Crush until the very wee hours of the morning and then I couldn't sleep.

So I started cyberstalking which is tough when you aren't on Facebook, but where there is a will, there is a way.

Well, my number one stalking target was indeed Awful. Which is indeed awful.

Please try not to judge me for what I am going to say.......I just HAVE to share.

Awful looks awful and I am feeling smug.

You see, when we dated, I started off thin and ending up fat.  Awful LOVED to eat and drink (as do I) and has really bad habits and many of them rubbed off on me.  I got lazy and complacent.  He also over packed our social schedule, so that I rarely had time for me.  He would say, "the gym is for soulless yuppies who are blood sucking perfectionists, " and then slam a homemade beer and a slice of pizza.  I was depressed and looking for a reason not to move, it was a match made in lazy.

We became the fat couple.  I HATED being the fat couple.  Especially because ALL of my friends are gorgeous with great figures.  Champagne problems people.  I begged Awful to come to the gym with me, to walk with me, to ride bikes with me, to support me.  He never wanted to.  He only wanted to drink, eat, and make social plans and compete with me about who had more friends.  Awful was a frenemy I just realized.  I know 7th grade girls nicer and less manipulative than him. Oy.

In an effort to help Awful not explode (he carried ALL of his weight in his belly and looked 10 months pregnant), I paid for his gym membership and bought him 6 personal trainer sessions.  He NEVER went or used them....that is, until I dumped him.

Awful is ALL or NOTHING just like me.  This is major reason we couldn't work, not even as friends, we are too much the same.

So, as soon as I left him, he went totally ALL into a fitness and egg white and tuna routine.  He lost like 50 pounds in 6 weeks.  Truth, I am being mean, but he is one of the rare people who looks better chubby (Jennifer Hudson is part of this short list) than thin.  But, at the same time, his new thinness made me jealous, insanely jealous.  He won.  I was still fat.  He was thin and ALSO had slept with someone like a week after I left officially.  So, I felt stung by the skinny and the sex.

Well, let me tell you something....while I was stalking, I stumbled (SOUGHT OUT) upon photos of Awful from now, 1 full year after I last saw him in the flesh and he isn't looking so hot.  In these photos, he is holding a beer (OF COURSE), dancing like a moron (I can kinda respect that because I love dancing like a moron), and drum roll please.....he is chubby again.  Perhaps not as fat as he was when we broke up (nor am I), but not a lollipop head either.

And with the realization that he didn't look skinny, I smiled to myself and was able to fall into a very deep sleep.

And I dreamt of Crush and our future baby who happened to be really cute, chubby, and male.

1 comment:

  1. I love when they look worse for wear after the break up. If it makes me a bad person, so be it.


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