Happy Friday out there!
I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired. A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!
But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.
Yes, I am bossy.
I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader. I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.
I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY! I always sorta knew it.
Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)
So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!
I KNOW I KNOW. What is wrong with me?
I guess, I just need to feel control. There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him. I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go. I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.
I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it. I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.
And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience. Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....
I am over Awful. I never really loved him. I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure. But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!
While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice. My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above." Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring. Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.
I have to admit something. I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday. I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same. On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally. I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful. And these pounds are still on me. And until they drop off, the past is, too. It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes. I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"
And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful. I learned a lot. Reflection and hindsight is cleansing. But, I don't think we had the best closure. I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future. I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!
Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness. Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal. Too literal.
My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG. From the mouth of moms!
So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants. It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......
As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......
"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand. You need that."
And she is right (duh!). I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.