Monday, July 29, 2013

One Last Post About This....I Promise..but, Awful is ENGAGED!

I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....

Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.

He got engaged a few months ago.

I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.

I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears.  Work comes first.  Especially with my move coming.   Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT!  I am hitting my stride again.  I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.

I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents.  My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.

I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.

My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time.  Lately,  I been thinking about him a lot, too.  Our relationship really didn't have an end.  I told him to leave me alone and he did.  He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him.  There is still some goodness in him.  It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.

I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.

Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met.  He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met.  He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon.  He openly shared this with my family, my friends.  He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."

Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancĂ©......?!?!?!?!  He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September.  Yes, THIS September.  I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.

There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant.  There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.

If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.

I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him.  Every other time I tried, he made me stay.  I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.

Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected.  Yes, I dumped him.  Yes, I hate him.  Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend.  I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year.  I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me.  Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.

I am embarrassed.  That's it.  He fits better with his new gal.  We were a bad match.  I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me.  Adore me.  I am pathetic sometimes.

I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon.  It worked out for all of us.  Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too.  Happy endings for everyone.

Did I secretly wish that I would be married first?  Sure I did.  I am competitive and stupid once in a while.

True love isn't a race.  I know this.

I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to.  Now, I feel safe again.  His engagement protects me.  I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him.  Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.

The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.

He was single.

Now, he will be married in a few weeks.

Things can change so fast.




13 comments:

  1. Hey, this is how I look at it, not everyone is going to want to marry you. Not everyone wants to marry Giselle (ahem Leo). It's okay. It just takes the one ;)

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    1. VERY WELL SAID!!!!! It only takes the one.

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  2. Take this in the most loving way possible - I WANT TO SHAKE YOU!

    First, ask yourself if YOU wanted to marry him. Take the power back. (And you did just that when you moved out, AHEM!)

    Second, you are WINNING, even though Hubs tells me these kinds of things aren't games. You GOT Crush, who loves you for YOU, no pretense.

    Finally, WHO CARES? (I mean I do, I'm reading your blog and your "friend") Anyone that is still providing you with useless information on Crush does not have your best interest at heart unless it's in a sloppy gossipy way (which I'm not opposed to!). And look at his track record - your love will last, him...well, work on yours!!

    xo

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    1. I know, I know.....you are SO right!!! Posts like these, I don't even want to post...they embarrass me so much, but I feel like I have to for myself.

      Nobody cares is the darn truth!!! The friend stuff is tricky because the person who told me is the person I met him through. She is a dear friend of mine who I knew years before I ever dated Awful. Her husband is really good friends with Awful, so it is this awkward elephant in the room and over the last 2 years, I haven't been as good as I friend as I could be to her and vice-versa and I know some of this is Awful related. I am hoping when I move and there is some distance between us, we can go back to being better friends, without having to focus on Awful being around. She was invited to his wedding (but told me she won't be attending), so I think she felt like she HAD to tell me.

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    2. We care if it is upsetting to you.

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  3. R&F....Good luck to her. She's going to need it! Don't look back...look ahead to your great future with your wonderful Crush... You dodged a bullet, girlfried. Be grateful!

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    1. She will!!! I was thinking about that earlier....I feel bad for everyone! I am grateful and thank you as always for your insight!

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  4. I understand! I dated a guy for 2 years. After we broke up, he got engaged to someone else after dating her for 2 months. Two months! I'm at the point where I can realize how lucky I am not to be with him.

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    1. You are lucky. Two months! I know it is overused, but things really do happen for a reason. I never stop believing that.

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  5. I bet she complies with him. Whereas you may have made him see the truth in himself. I mean, we all want to think that we were rejected for a reason better than a man not thinking we are good enough. Like Mummy Dearest said, its time to take the power back.

    Do that by seeing (and believing in your heart of hearts) that you rejected his sorry ass, versus the other way around. He wasn't good enough for you and he knew it. He knew that you would see the errors of your ways if he had proposed and you said yes.

    I know how embarrassing these posts are because I want to write about Nick the Dick sometimes. I don't, or if I do, I save them as drafts, then eventually delete them. They are moments of weakness. We all have them. Its easy to slip back and think "what if" because it requires zero effort to find a new man or relationship.

    Cherish the present and future, and start forgetting about him. Its hard, but possible. Time and all that jazz.

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    1. Thank you so much! LOVE YOUR COMMENTS! Girl.....embarrassing to the max! I always want to delete these moment of weakness posts, but I like to reflect on them later (often a few months down the road), as they help me process my life: lessons learned, time being able to heal, the stupid shit I say and do that I need to work on! OY!

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  6. I second everything Danielle said!

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Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......