I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....
Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.
He got engaged a few months ago.
I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.
I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears. Work comes first. Especially with my move coming. Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT! I am hitting my stride again. I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.
I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents. My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.
I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.
My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time. Lately, I been thinking about him a lot, too. Our relationship really didn't have an end. I told him to leave me alone and he did. He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him. There is still some goodness in him. It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.
I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.
Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met. He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met. He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon. He openly shared this with my family, my friends. He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."
Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?! He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September. Yes, THIS September. I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.
There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant. There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.
If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.
I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him. Every other time I tried, he made me stay. I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.
Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected. Yes, I dumped him. Yes, I hate him. Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year. I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me. Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.
I am embarrassed. That's it. He fits better with his new gal. We were a bad match. I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me. Adore me. I am pathetic sometimes.
I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon. It worked out for all of us. Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too. Happy endings for everyone.
Did I secretly wish that I would be married first? Sure I did. I am competitive and stupid once in a while.
True love isn't a race. I know this.
I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to. Now, I feel safe again. His engagement protects me. I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him. Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.
The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.
He was single.
Now, he will be married in a few weeks.
Things can change so fast.