I cannot believe I am getting so close to moving down South. All of a sudden this weekend, I really thought about it and I started freaking out. I had a mini anxiety attack prompted by 2 things, 1 involving a scooter:
1. Crush asked me what we would be doing for Thanksgiving and I thought THANKSGIVING!!!! I have so much to do before then and then I panicked....I seriously got into bed with some popcorn and Netflix and hid under the covers for a few hours. The thing is that I have NO idea what I will be doing for T-Day. I may have to work considering my new job could call for it (I worked Tday early on in my career when I worked at a hotel). Then, I realized that I won't be hanging out with my parents all of the time which is a beautiful thing, actually. I am just so used to them these days that I started to miss them already. Codependency at its finest and not normal. Never claimed I was. I have turned into a 32 year woman-child. It shocks me considering I was begging to go to overnight camp for 8 weeks when I was 9. I love my folks, but I did once stand on my own 2 feet....time to get out of the nest.
2. I saw Awful (I KNOW, I KNOW....I MUST leave this city ASAP as WHY OH WHY DO I KEEP SEEING MY EX?!?!?) riding a new scooter with a sidecar while I was taking a client to an appointment. The very scooter and sidecar that I once joked that I thought was awesome and silly and that I could ride in because I didn't love riding on a scooter (more to come on that here in the following sentences). Bonus, his fiance was riding my old scooter. A scooter that Awful bought me for Hanukkah our second holiday season together. A scooter I was never fully invested in myself because it scared me and because my parents didn't approve.
I know, I know, I defer to my parents sometimes, but hear me out. My mom got into a motorcycle accident on her honeymoon and broke both of her legs, shattered her knees, and broke her right hip. It left her disabled (she has had arthritis since she was a little girl, so it made her bad legs worse) and all of my life, my parents asked that I never ride a motored 2 wheeled vehicle and I obeyed them until I met Awful...a man OBSESSED with things that go fast and have less than 4 wheels.
I always felt that Awful wanted to sway me against my parents and take "his side" when it came to the motorcycle and scooter riding. I know it sounds silly, but he was very jealous like that. He wanted to control me and knew that I also wanted to make my parents happy, so it was a really messed up triangle. He didn't like when I saw my folks, spoke to them, or took their feelings into account. It was all sorts of CRAZY considering that he couldn't have been further up either of his parents asses and saw them almost weekly (and they lived over 3 hours away and spent the night at his place at least 1 weekend a month). He spoke to his mother multiple times a day, so it wasn't like he was this strong independent man free of parental control. It was just that he thought he was always right and his way was "the way."
When I sensed he may be buying me a scooter, I remember telling him "as much as it seems fun and I like how they look (they are so cute!), I really can't do that to my parents." 2 weeks later, there was a shiny (and adorable!!!) red scooter waiting for me when I returned home from work one freezing December evening. I remember thinking "FUCK!!!!! I love this, but I can't ride it...." I felt super conflicted. The scooter is the perfect metaphor of our relationship....this love/hate - push/pull.
I am annoyed that he found someone to scoot with. I know finding a scooter partner must have been important to him. When I first started dating Awful, he was very caught up in all of the things his ex-wife wouldn't or couldn't do. I am sure he tells his fiancé about all about my shortcomings (from his perspective and only according to him), too. "You wouldn't believe Ready and Fading! She wouldn't even ride the $5,000 scooter I bought her because her mom once fell off of one. What a baby, she is so weak." (SIDENOTE: Awful loved to add value on to things to exaggerate, the scooter was about 3 grand and as I shared earlier, my mom's accident wasn't minor.)
I am just sad (and in many ways, amused.....) that she has to ride my Hanukkah present from 2010. I am sure that she has no idea that it was mine first, he isn't a truth teller.......but, there was a slight twinge of satisfaction as I saw her wobbling by on it. The truth is that as gorgeous as the scooter was, it was a bitch to ride and very heavy for a girl to master. Not surprising since he bought it for himself, really. He loved riding it and when I dumped him the first thing he screamed was, "YOU CANNOT HAVE THE SCOOTER, IT IS MINE!!!!"
SO WHY DOES THIS PISS ME OFF? Well, because on a beautiful Sunday I am working and he is having fun scooting. I guess I realize that I don't want him to be happy, really. I know, big confession there. I want him to be fat, miserable, weak, and alone. I want bad for him as much as I want good for me.
I just want to be able to enjoy my life without having to see him. Seeing him brings back so much pain for me. There is no love there, but there is still a burning hate. I want to be over it all. I want the past to be all in the past as I know it is, BUT I hate seeing him ALL OF THE TIME!
I can't wait to leave this place! A city where THE WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS EVER are out on the town, riding Stellas and killing my mood.
A few more short weeks and I will never be haunted by the real life ghost of Awful.
That in itself is worth passing up on all of the adorable scooters in the world.