In the last year, I have learned who my true friends are.
It took an Awful breakup, a move back home, and a BIG step towards full self-improvement, self-respect, and self-confidence.
My real friends stood by me each and every step of the way.
These people have seen me through ups and downs. Have stalked me down when I couldn't turn up for events or get out of bed. Even when I post here now and I am down, I get wonderful texts from a real friend on the West coast who is checking in to support me, love me, and be there for me....from thousands of miles away. I am lucky.
Internet friends (and some real friends, too) THANK YOU all for reading and for letting me share my honesty. I thank you all for believing in me. The virtual support, advice, and love is inspiring. There are so many wonderful people in this world. I forget this sometimes when I let my bitter and bad bite me. This blog is cleansing. It has helped me be a better person, a kinder soul, and most importantly, honest. I have been fighting with honesty for as long as I can remember......
I think my lying started as a defense mechanism when I was young, before I can even really consciously remember. From therapy, I am piecing together that I do think being called "fat and big" by many people including my grandmother, family friends, and peers at school (I can remember being taunted in nursery school) made me create an alternate reality of sorts to protect myself. Instead of being fat, I wanted to be wonderful. I needed to be loved, I needed to be adored, I needed to be admired, and I needed to distract the world from calling me fat so much, so I lied. Sometimes, I remember blurting something random out to distract people from calling me fat when I felt like they were going to say it.
I remember not lying from 3rd grade when I started over in a new school and wasn't called fat for a while until 6th grade when I was publicly mocked and taunted for an entire year by the most popular boys in school one year older than me. Being circled and being chanted "Ogre" at still haunts me. As I have been processing my past pain, it is something I have nightmares about from time to time. There is nothing worse than public humiliation. It is one of the reasons I don't even believe in negative reviews for restaurants or service professionals online. I like to go to the source and let my feelings be known directly because I am so sensitive of being a bully. It is why I get pushed around in business, too.
After junior high, I got my lying in check for a while until my uncle had a nervous breakdown, lost his very high profile job, and went bankrupt. He got divorced for the second time, lost custody of his 2 children, had shock therapy, and lived in my parents' basement. For over 1 year....the same year Sissy went to college and my Nana who I adored, passed away. It was my sophomore year of high school and Bitch and Snake had just really gotten their fangs into me good. I fell apart. My mom confided in some ladies from the neighborhood (and Bitch's and Snake's moms) and they gossiped horribly about my family, spun tales, and mocked us. It is what people around here do and one of the reasons why helping clients from these parts sometimes snipes me. It is popular to jump on the bandwagon and kick people when they are down and that isn't how I was raised or how my heart works. Not to totally generalize an area, but it is very vicious, and stupid, and silly, and catty and really pathetic. I lied ever since high school until lately in some capacity.
My lies weren't huge and were mostly exaggerations. I knew when I was lying, too, so that is easier to fix. I have been practicing some tactics for over a year and it has really made the truth the way with me. I think this is why 2 of my clients fired me. Because there are more liars than honest people in my industry and I didn't want to hustle anymore. I think they took the shift in my personality as giving up when it was actually getting better.
Yesterday and today, I have been calling vendors personally and admitting I lost a client and made mistakes. They have all complimented my honesty and said that they have ALL been fired, too. It is simply a part of business and learning lessons. They all thanked me for allowing them to keep the client and for admitting fault. It was the right thing to do.
I went to coffee with a fantastic entrepreneur and young businessman yesterday and asked him for advice. I told him what I did wrong and he walked me through many of my mistakes step by step and offered me excellent recommendations, guidance, and sympathy. Because I was able to openly say, "I kinda fucked up." Which is the truth. I should have fired the clients before they fired me. No more victim here.
Today, another vendor of mine, who I called to report the firing to, asked to take me to lunch to help. He is going to help me identity the best clients for me and help me finalize my new website which is very close to being done and was delayed for a while while I was sorted out where I was going to live next year city-wise.
And I know all this good is happening because I am honest.
I know this post was random, but this has all been on the tip of my tongue and it feels so yummy to let it all out.
I plan to return some calls this weekend and catch up with real friends and offer my love and support to them, too.
Happy Friday and have a wonderful day!