I've Changed

I have changed.

I know this.

So much in the last year.

I am a different person now.

I have learned lessons.

Can I confess something?

I was fired today for the second time in 2 weeks.

I wish I was upset, but I am not.  I HATED the 2 clients that fired me and I didn't trust my instincts initially when I accepted their business.  I have truly learned who I can and cannot help and as much as I wish I could help everyone that comes to me, I am only a person, just one.  There were signs after signs after signs and yet I was the old me, the one that tried to conform without being honest and it bit me in the tush this time and oh yes, let's not forget....the time before.

You live and you learn.  But, this time, I have really learned.

I know that I make business mistakes.  BUT, I mostly only make them with clients I don't like.  It is like I am subconsciously trying to push them away, to make them stop the constant email with the follow up texts, "did you get my email" texts about things that I am in the process of handling.  If you micromanage me, I can't manage...it makes me feel smothered and suffocated and judged and pushed and like I have already disappointed you and it is one of the reasons I now ask all of my clients for 24 hours turn time on any request unless it is absolutely urgent.....because I need time to process and sometimes I am busy with other clients working.....and I have to show everyone the same amount of respect and be present....sometimes sadly, this includes turning my phone to silent for a few hours at a time.

Today, while I was being fired, I wish I would have handled it differently.  Now that I think about it, she was trying to fire me for weeks and I was making it difficult as I wasn't passing along documents upon request because I was questioning why she needed them and she didn't like it.  Something was fishy.  It was like my heart was telling me something and yet I wasn't convinced in my mind.  But, I said sorry and I wished it could be better and I almost cried, but then I didn't.  Because, I am connected to my heart now and my heart knew that this was GREAT news.....I was free from the abuse I had volunteered myself to.

I looked at my calendar and I realized that the 2 clients who have recently fired me, hired me BEFORE I started dating Crush.  He has changed me...but this time, for the better.  Softened me, relaxed me, made me able to smell the roses and turn off my phone sometimes.  Crush has given me the confidence and assurance to know that I am not always wrong (I make mistakes because I am a person, but sometimes I am right, too), that honesty is always the best policy, and that sometimes admitting defeat and to the impossible is the best way to proceed.

I realize that my clients that fired me,  hired a different person and then wondered what happened and I TOTALLY get this...in the year that we had been working together.....I have evolved into someone so different....sometimes I hardly recognize myself.

After I met Crush, I FINALLY started booking the clients I wanted.  The ones I know I work best with and the ones that trust me, respect me, and work well with me in return.........Oy, between us,  I seriously stopped working for both of the former clients when they kept having conversations about my communication which was basically why I couldn't email or text them back in less than 1 minute.......because when I started working with them both, I had more time and less respect for myself and I slept with the phone next to my head and answered emails and texts instantly, even at 3:00 am.....I was so hungry for approval, for acceptance of any kind, to be busy to free my mind from my unknown future and building a business in a city I didn't see myself long-term....I worked 18 hours a day to distract myself from my life....between sleeping with my phone on my head of course.

The client today asked me "how I could wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror knowing I was such a horrible person" and the old me would have been so bothered by this comment...but, now, well, now I am proud to see myself, even if I am not all the things I sometimes wish I was.....aka thin.  The person I see in the mirror has a heart, a soul, love, and self respect.  I am kind, generous beyond a fault, and patient.  I know this former client will not get what they want without me, but they made their choice and I wish them the best. Truly I do.

But, I know something.  I know both of these clients were being shady in their own way, but I started my relationships with them differently.  In the last year, I have become honest.  I have always had an issue with honesty because I hated myself.  It was easier to lie than to face reality.  But, now, I handle business differently and life differently and mid-process I stopped lying.  I did business and that may involve some spinning, but no lies and that is where I believe both of these clients lost faith and trust in me.  I am not the bullshitter of the past.  I am real.  I am now a straight shooter and they wouldn't have hired me now, for the person I am now.  Bad fit.  They wanted miracles, dreams, and perfection and the old me promised that....the new me knows better.

So, they say, from every failure comes a great success.  I truly believe this.  Now, that these 2 clients, the only 2 causing me stress, strain, and really bad anxiety are gone....now I can focus on my other clients and my future plans and being honest.  Because I feel like my new honesty has given me such a better life.

God works in mysterious ways.  Life is strange.  But, today's firing was for a date that happened to fall on my birthday.  I have worked my last 2 birthdays.  For 20 hours at least each day and I didn't even mention it....meaning, no one knew it was my bday aside from family and my closest friends....I hardly got any bday wishes at all last year because I am not longer on Facebook...and it was peaceful and depressing...I felt like I hardly existed, even some of the people who know and love me the best forgot to wish me well and I blame in mostly on FB, but also because I was sending such a vibe of being busy working and not caring about myself, that who would have known?

Last year, a lovely client of mine dedicated me a cupcake and a candle and sang me "Happy Birthday" at their celebration because one of my assistants let it slip that I was working on my bday and my client was super touched that I never once mentioned it and let them shine.   They told me to make a wish and I wished for love.

They told me that they wished that, "I didn't have to work on my birthday next year," and now I don't because I was fired.

I know I should feel bad about being dismissed, but I have never felt so good about just being me.

I vow to live each day honestly, open, and positive.  Ever since I did, my world is righting itself all over the place!

Sweet dreams,

R & F