Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Dirty Boy

I remember just a year ago, sobbing my eyes out that I wanted a man.  Every friend that found a guy, who became her fiance, who became her husband, and who then became the father of her children.....oy!  There was only so much I could take. Turn the knife in my heart.  I was a bitter Betty.  A green-eyed monster.  A real pill if I do say so myself.

I wanted my time.  My man.  My ring.  My wedding.  My baby.

Now, I think it just may be happening and it has its pros AND its cons.

As is life.

I am finding that I love more things about being in a relationship than being single (and I fully believe I found my soul mate), but I miss more things about being single than I thought I would, too.

Sometimes it is just really nice to eat Peanut Butter Panda Puffs Cereal (gluten-free!) at 3:00 am in bed when you can't sleep while simultaneously reading Daily Mail......this is hard when you like to do it with the lights on, Panda Puffs are a very crunchy snack and make tons of noise...and oh yes, there is a man trying to sleep next to you!

I get how bad being single can feel some times.  The emptiness.  The solitude.  The wanting.  It really is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I truly sympathize with anyone who wants love and is seeking it.  As I have said before: PLEASE DO NOT SETTLE!  Everyone deserves the REAL thing when they are ready.  Finding that takes time.....sometimes I think if I was granted 3 wishes by a magical genie, 1 of them would be "for everyone who wants love to find it instantly."  Because I know the dating process....well, don't mind my language, but it is FUCKING EXCRUCIATING.

But......... I also know when I was single, my favorite vintage wrap dress (ebay score!) didn't have 3 moth holes.

Let me explain....

Crush is a dirty boy and I am not talking about in bed.  He is literally a slob upon slobs.  I fear Hoarders on A&E quality.

The way he lives disgusts me.  And yes, he has moths.  And because I hung some of my dresses in a closet with some of his infested sweaters....2 of my dresses now have holes and I had to dry-clean everything else in my wardrobe.

The one and only time (we stay other places when I visit as he is very blessed to have these options) I visited his home, I gagged.  Tears sprung to my eyes.  It felt like my past was my present, like I was in my own version of Dicken's, A Christmas Carol.

Many moons ago, I was the biggest slob I knew.  Like Crush, I have always been great about my personal hygiene, but my room, oh my, my was a garbage can.  Clothes on the floor, dirty dishes under the bed, unopened mail....the works.  I lived somewhat like this until I was 26 and finally got my depression under control.  I was living alone and my anxiety and OCD were on the downswing.  All of a sudden, the daily tasks that I hated became less of a big deal: dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom....they became routine and something I started to not even think about doing.

When I asked Crush the last time he washed his sheets a few weeks ago when he was trying to convince me to stay at his home...he replied, "a few months, I don't know, maybe September."


I couldn't help it.  I burst into tears.  I never said I was good at controlling my emotions.

I am sure everyone is wondering why this man cannot clean his room.  I know that was my first thought....

The truth is because he doesn't want to.  It isn't that important to him.  He lived a charmed life with live-in help and the only time he ever HAD to clean his room was when he went to boarding school and I know while he was there, his room HAD to be spotless.  It was checked daily in the AM and PM.  It gave him horrible anxiety.  He had a terrible time at boarding school (he HATED it, but completed it as it is his family way) and I think chaos makes him feel more in control than cleanliness.

(SIDE-NOTE: I am the ONLY one that knows just how much and how hard boarding school was for Crush.  I want him to journal his experiences...they are CRAZY.  Like 15 year-olds doing coke at 2:00 pm on a Tuesday while they do their homework and then calling their nannies while hysterically crying because their moms will not accept their calls and are in exotic countries vacationing semi-permanently and they only see them on Xmas for 3 days a year.....also, Crush is such a gentle soul, this was A LOT for him to handle....Between us, I think I could have found such out bursts to be rather entertaining, but I am sure not when I was 15 and sharing a room with it....)

So, what is a girl to do?

I had to have a sincere conversation with Crush and let him know that I need him to either clean up his space adequately or continue to plan to make other arrangements as needed for us to stay until I move full-time.  It looks like we won't be staying there for a while.  I am not a princess, but his room is the size of a pantry and he has a bed, desk, 3 filing cabinets, a TV, an armoire, and 2 bed side tables in this box.  If I was looking at it from a potential renter's perspective,  I would question if a full sized bed would fit in it and he has a king.....I mean, ONLY a bed and NO other furniture.

I begged him to get College Hunks Hauling Junk is that bad.

When Crush and I are together, our relationship is rather traditional.  I make meals, I clean up, I do our laundry.  His mess is not really an issue as I take care of it as it appears.  It never really has a chance to manifest into something inhabitable, like his place.  I do not feel overwhelmed by it.  From being a former slob, I know how to nip it in the bud.

We will have a traditional marriage.  I think I will be able to pursue personal accomplishments and work for satisfaction and not for economic gain.  This works for me, but I know that this is not for everyone.  Keep in mind, I met Crush online and knew NONE of his situation until the 4th time we saw each other.....when I met his family it ALL started to make sense...I felt like I was in a movie or something......AND DUH!.....Crush is accomplished, but it is family accomplishments of the past that have lent to his particular situation.

Crush wants me to stay at home with our children and I am happy about this.  My mom stayed home with Sissy and me and my Sissy stays home with Big Baby and Little Baby, and Crush's mom stayed home with him and his siblings.  But, again, I prepare myself that the grass is ALWAYS greener....with the staying home, too.  Some of my friends who work the hardest are the ones that stay at home with their babies....everything is situational.  This is a personal choice that a couple makes.  There are pros and cons here and I know this can be a hot button topic and I understand and I wish I had the answers.

But, a part of me fears the "R" word....yes, resentment.  Will I start to resent Crush that I MUST clean if I don't want to live in a landfill?  Is this something I can deal with on a daily basis?

I know he won't change because he can't.  He has lived ALL of his life minus 3 years (boarding school) with either a lady in waiting or no consequences for his GROSS ASS MESS.

I just know that one day, if I agree to marry him, his mess will be a part of our lives for better or worse.....

I think I can handle it, but it is one of the reasons I want some practice time when I move next year before we get engaged.  I need to see the mess up-close and personal.

If there was ever a major deal breaker for would be a sheet last washed in September.....


  1. So my old best friend dated a hoarder. Like straight up hoarder. She is very neat, her closet is minimal, and like clockwork, every 3 months she was taking a box of stuff to Goodwill. She never lived alone, so I'm not sure how clean her entire house would be, but her room was pretty much always clean.

    Now, she ended up marrying the guy. However, when they dated, she told him that he needs to calm down his hoarding behavior. As they got closer when dating, they would "spring clean" his apartment, since he lived alone and she was always there. So she convinced him to donate or throw out a lot of stuff.

    This is how his parents were, they are crazy hoarders. I think that some of her mentality has rubbed off on him. And yes, he is messy sometimes, but he has his office space to keep as messy as he wants, as long as he cleans up after himself in the rest of the house. Things seem to be going well for them, so I think you should be okay.

    I think the way to approach it is easing him into it. If you nag him, he will only resent you.

    And perhaps invest in some high quality garment bags when you guys move in together? Just in case!

  2. The guy can change - just because he's never had to pick up after himself doesn't mean he can't. Sure, perhaps he doesn't want to, doesn't care enough to - doesn't mean he can't.

    I just had to delete a whole long ass comment because I went on a rant. The long and short of it was that I don't think it's ok for him to continue being a slob because he knows you will follow behind and pick up. I agree that sometimes in a relationship we have our roles, but those should be flexible, we should respect our partners for their hard work, not treat it like a service.

    Is he looking for his next 'live in help'?

    ... This really wasn't meant to come across disrespectful or doubting the validity of your relationship, I don't. I just get mad to see guys who have never had to lift a finger to look after themselves get passed from the mother, to the nanny, to the wife.

    I will be a house wife some day (for a period of time, anyway, certainly not forever) and while keeping a nice clean home will be a part of that, I would not accept my partner being lazy and expecting me to pick up after her.

  3. Ouch, this would be incredibly difficult for me to handle. You are a more tolerant person than me! I used to be quite messy when I lived at home, but as soon as I got out on my own and was stuck seeing my mess all the time, in my place that I was paying for, that changed. I'll occasionally let a few dishes pile up, or I will be overdue on vacuuming, but I can't stand clutter. :o I hope you figure out a solution!

    As far as the rest, missing being much as I loathe dating and aspects of being single, I really do love it sometimes for things like you mentioned. My apartment is only my mess, I never have to clean some guy's shaving detritus out of my bathroom sink or pick up anyone else's dirty anything. I love staying up late, watching crap TV, eating cereal for dinner, and doing whatever I want whenever I want.

    So I can totally understand why you miss those things, and I think that if/when I find someone to be with again, I will miss them, too!

  4. I do often wonder if I would be able to tolerate a difference in living habits? Honestly, I think your situation would be a deal-breaker for me...I am very much a clean freak. For instance, when I'm done cooking, I wash pots/pans/etc BEFORE I'll eat the meal, so at the end I just have to wash my dish and fork. I'm also just not that comfortable living in a mess, having been raised in an extremely neat home.

    I think people are hard-wired messy or neat. I mean, Crush is physically capable of cleaning, but it clearly doesn't bother him emotionally. And if it's ok with you to be the one who keeps the house tidy, then it looks like it balances out. You hardly seem naive, that marriage will be a "magic fix", and you acknowledge the R word... so it looks like you have the right attitude!

  5. Now I am curious...does he have a house? A condo? rents? You keep referring to his room, that's why I am a bit surprised at his just have a room? I assume that's part of an apartment.

    I would put my foot down. I wouldn't care what my partner has gone through when he was 15, there is some personal pride here and you can't really make a case saying someone is taking care of personal hygiene when they haven't changed sheets in 6 months...I mean, wonder you won't sleep there! Poor you!

    I think in any relationship there is always a balance to be found. He will get cleaner and you will loosen up a bit. That happens and shit, in his case it needs to happen;)


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......