Good Old Boy

I am dating a good ol' boy.  There is no way around this.  He is the text book definition according to Wiki.....

"The term can be used for well socialized white men who live in rural and generally Southern areas. If a man is humble and well thought of, he can be referred to as a "good old boy", regardless of his age. It is commonly applied to men with a family or generational wealth or prestige, or overall moral behavior."

I always wanted a man like this.  Some of my friends have married them and they make the BEST husbands and fathers.  I know this is the man for me....

BUT, well, but, lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that a LONG chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning.  I am okay with this.  Happy, excited, motivated.  I am just afraid.  I don't want to sit here and paint a picture that doesn't exist.  I have been a bit depressed lately.  Everything that I ever wanted is happening and I am walking around like a zombie.  It is like, "now what?"  So much of my identity was tied to being single, or being in a dysfunctional relationship.  I lived for my mistakes.  My OMGs, my WHY ME'S, my tears over wine and cheese, my hateful relationship with my own body and my own vagina.  Now that I don't have all of these defaults, now I can't really function well.  These were my distractions, my walls.  Without them, I don't feel as free as I wanted to.  I feel vulnerable.  Naked.  Alone.  

I picked a big fight with Crush the other day.  I mentioned it briefly in a blog entry.  What I didn't mention is that the words "well maybe we shouldn't be together anymore" fell out of my mouth.  I have no idea why.  Those are real words, fighting words.  The venom spewed out of me.

 We had been fighting a lot.  Much of it has to do with family things that are none of my business.  As the good ol' boy he is, he stays out and stays respectful and I should, too.  I appreciate all of your wonderful comments btw, I love advice and take it seriously and to heart. 

Sometimes I feel like a grownup compared to Crush...which is silly.  He is so pure.  He has never puked from drinking too much (he drinks though, just NOT like I used to), he has never done drugs, he has never had a one night stand that ended in sex.  He has never picked a fight with a stranger in Walgreen's, been flashed on a public bus, or had someone pee on their coat on the train (ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME).  Our lives and life experiences are different and that is good.  I dated the guy with a major drug problem (Socio), I dated the guy with a real love for booze (Awful)....I dated many others that had substance abuse issues as well and it never worked.  Why should I even question why Crush is a better fit for me....duh. We are simply different.  But, the differences are balancing out, like a seesaw, we are simply finding our rhythm. 

He can play several instruments well.  I can't.  He sits on the boards of several charities and organizations.  I don't.  He knows how to speak another language.  Not me.  He recites poetry, movie quotes, and passages from books.  He wins here, too.

I know what is happening.  I fear success.  I do.  I have not felt like I really deserved love until lately and then I met Crush.  Now, real things are happening.  Major things....friends meetings (so excited for this!), parents meeting, we are attending each other's significant family events (I will be his date to a wedding and he is coming to meet my Sissy's new baby who is due to hatch any day now)....this isn't just a man, this is my future.  I still deserve this.  I don't know why I am so scared.

I can't let the comfort of being a victim take over here.  I used to love lies, WHYS, and excuses.  I am not that person anymore, but the last threads are still unraveling here.  I can still feel my default issues inside of me even if they aren't my go-to coping mechanisms.

I am going back to therapy.