Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Family Matters

Didn't you just love Family Matters with Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel? My favorite thing was when nerdy Steve would turn into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle (who was Steve Urkel without the nerd glasses, hitched up pants, and suspenders), and woo Laura Winslow.....my Nana and I used to just lap that guy up.....SWOON. TGIF on ABC forever.  Yes, that includes Dinosaurs, Step by Step, and Full House.  Man I miss my Nana, she would watch with me and we would babysit each other every Friday from 7-9 pm while we ate lo main.....I would seriously give up 6 months of my life to get to live one of those TGIFs in with my Nana now at age 31 and not age 8...didn't appreciate enough when I could.

I digress......I am doing it again.  The ME.  The Ready and Fading Signature Move.  Let me introduce....the one, the only.....LE MELTDOWN.

Ah, yes, we are here.

The time when I realize that I am transitioning from one life experience to another and I freeze up, get rigid, get afraid, and self sabotage.

It happens when the scale is going down.....one day, I will wake up, give up, and eat that chocolate and ice cream I love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Or, I will promise something to a client and then cut it right to the deadline second because I am watching the Wendy Williams show.  Perhaps, I will get ready to go out for a night on the town and start thinking about Awful and then I will put my pjs back on and get back into bed with some Fritos because ditching plans is better than the .0000000005 percent chance that Awful will be eating tapas at the same restaurant I am going to on a busy Saturday night in a major city.

When I am ready to succeed, I let myself almost fail.  It is this really BAD habit and I know I can't always help it.  The rush of adrenaline I get from the ice cream binge, the last second success, or the doing what I need to do to protect me....it is something I can't stop doing. WHY?

Anxiety is not fun. 

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  This is new for us.  This is real.  I HATE it.

Most of the animosity is coming from miscommunication.  I was raised to talk about doodie (poops), sissy (pee), and fertzies (farts) and to be free and natural and open.  Maybe too open.  I mean, I like to feel it all...the sad, the bad, the mad, the she didn't even know what she had......  Crush, he is FORMAL.  Pent up, really (everywhere, but in the bed).  He is forced with his social interactions to the point of being socially awkward, sometimes.  Everything just feels so SCRIPTED unless it is just us two together or we are out with my family.  I am not enjoying this. I like real.  I like raw.  I like fresh.

I accused Crush of having some processing and emotional issues.  I do think that he has coping mechanisms in place to deal with his family and I probably have no idea what is really going on. They are lovely and kind and welcoming and accepting, but they are NOT my family.  They don't bite the tushies of babies and eat ice cream all together in one bed and have breath wars (Honey Boo Boo's family stole this game from mine), well, because they are not disgusting like my little bunch.  But with the formality comes a bit of coolness and I am such a warm blooded little lap doggie.  I attract the loons and the loneliest because of this.

Crush doesn't let anyone in, but me.  Yes, me.  Chosen I am.  I guess this is how it should be.  He cries to me, he shows me his hand, but he is still loyal to his family way as he should be.  When he gets around his own family he turns into a mute who can't speak up, act like a man, or hold eye contact.  With my family, he is totally (well... he is still a total clumsy clod) fine and fun and light and open.

OF COURSE, upon talking to a special bestie today, she gave me the BEST advice and told me to STAY out of it, WAY out of it.  She is happily married and knows that the easiest way to coexist and not get smothered is to stay out, but stay respectful and I know this is EXACTLY what I need to do....it's just that I live so heavy with my heart that I can never not give 110 percent, but I am going to try to be a bit more reserved this time around, I do think it will help me in the long run.

I want to be with a man who is a gentleman, but then I am super hard on Crush to loosen up.  How is this fair?  I am giving mixed messages to a man who is already a bit emotionally mixed up.  Not good, not good.  I want my little place with my Crush.  I need it.  And yet, I know his family comes with it and they are awesome, don't get me wrong, but they aren't my family and maybe this is where my anger and hostility are coming from....I am moving to be with him, to his state, and I will be close to his family and I am scared.....I will miss mine so much, it will be a hard time transitioning.

I said it.

I am terrified.

Because I never met a transition that didn't flip me out, fatten me up, and knock me flat on my bottom.

Let us all hope that this one will finally be different. 


  1. Interesting. My old best friend was very open with her family, very much like how you sound. If they were mad at each other, they would fight, not hold secret animosity towards each other (like my family, or perhaps his family?). Well, her husbands family sounds very much like Crushes family. They don't share things like emotions, they are not hug people or anything like that. Very reserved. My friend decided that she was just going to be herself, and who cares what they thought.

    She hugs, shows her emotions (of course, when appropriate to do so), and says what's on her mind. I think this would be the best approach, to be yourself. Let Crush be himself, you know the real him. Together you guys will be a new family. Hopefully he will learn to open up more when you guys are around each other, then perhaps he will be able to be a little more open with his family and they can all relax.

    I was raised in a reserved family. I remember taking some personality test and one of the questions was if you got told you were loved, and if so how often and one of the multiple choice answers were "It wasn't said out loud, it was just understood" I checked that answer, and I peeked at my moms quiz and she had the same thing written down. I bet Crush feels this way.

    Being with my friends family was a breath of fresh air, I loved it, and it taught me so much. I think you'll be able to teach his family a thing or two and love and communication!

    (PS, the "maggot" comment on my blog made me LOL so loud when I was at school today! Thanks for that!)

    1. HE IS A MAGGOT!

      Also, thank you for the wonderful advice. I am going to take it. I sometimes feel this pressure to stuff who I am inside of me because I really can't control the huggy, love, kissy person I am. He does seem to like the way I communicate though, so together we will be our own family. LOVE IT! THANK YOU!

  2. Whoooah R&F! What you are going through is perfectly normal in a relationship that is growing. There's a good, actually very good possibility that you will always feel your family is better than his. That's the nature of relationships. That's what brings out the sparks and makes your relationship interesting, whether it be dating or marriage. Ride with the tide and fasten your seatbelt. It's all worth it.

    1. My family will reign superior....hahahahaha. You are right, that is indeed the nature of relationships. I am fastening my seatbelt. Thank you as always for the wonderful advice.

  3. It's really simple: Don't try to change the people you love. It will always backfire. Be yourself and over time he will loosen up a bit and you will likely find a happy middle ground.

    1. I ALWAYS try to change people....I DO! I know I am doing it and yet....well, I can't stop. This time, I vow to make it different. Middle ground would be lovely.


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......