Saturday, February 2, 2013

Bad Bad Dream and Other Worries

I had a very bad dream last night.

It involved all of my worst fears: being walked in on by my dad when I was being intimate (with Crush in this dream), beetles, fire, home invasion, and guests that won't leave.

My dream seriously involved all of these things and I just laughed while typing this because my fears are ALL over the place and quite random.

In my dream, Crush was there.  We were in some sort of hybrid of both of our parents' houses if they were morphed together and had a baby.  What woke me up shaking was that in the dream, every time something BAD happened: fire, crackheads that wouldn't leave, beetles coming out of my Perrier bottle (SERIOUSLY)....Crush wasn't able to help me the way I needed to be helped.

Now now, Crush is the BEST.  But, he is a person, just like me and he has flaws, we all do.  I accept his good and bad and let me tell you that he is the best gent I have EVER dated. We are still learning about each other, working through communication hiccups, and finding the way to be the best partners we can be for each other.

It is not about changing fundamentally who you are (I have tried, it doesn't work!).  It is about being the best person you can be for another person because you genuinely have those qualities inside of your soul.

I am a boss.  I am a bossy boss boss.  Some of this is because I was single for most of my life.  I was NEVER the girl with the boyfriend.  I was the lovable sidekick and I was happy and satisfied by that.  I lived alone and I lived with ladies who had boyfriends, so I was alone half of the time I had roommates.  I learned how to be comfy with my own company and now it is the company I actually enjoy most, most of the time.  I learned how to plunge a toilet.  I learned how to change a light bulb.  I learned where the fuse box was.  I learned the best way to get rid of giant high-rise spiders. I learned these things because I had to.

I have always leaned heavily on my parents (I am both a mommy's AND daddy's girl) and not a man.  In some ways, I know that this stunted some of my maturity with men.  I also found quite possibly the only man as sweet as my daddy who also thinks I am charming and hilarious at the same time (just like my dad), so I did something right.

In addition to the bossy, I am a control freak.  I like to do things myself.  I like the way I make a bed.  I like the way I scrub a bathroom.  I like the way I do laundry.  I like the way I cook.  I often find myself scolding and correcting the way Crush does tasks because he doesn't do them my way.  MY MY MY.  I am sure I seem like a total brat, but I do like my way better than his way when it comes to organization and daily tasks and we balance each other out.  He was washing darks and lights together on cold with no laundry detergent when we met.  I had to explain the difference between laundry detergent and dish soap.

Now for the dream analyzing.  Oh yes, here it is..........

When Crush visited last week, we spent some quality time with my folks even though I was pretty sick and I still am actually.  As I reported, everyone loved each other.  Last month, for the holidays, Crush sent both my mom and my grandmother letters telling them how much he loves me and how excited he was to meet them.  My mom is a mush ball like me and before Crush left after their in-person meeting, she gave him a loving card which pointed out all of his wonderful qualities and why she feels he is a great man for me.  It a sweet message and very on point with the card he sent her in December. Love fest.

Yesterday, Crush told me that he showed his mom my mother's card.  I understand, he is close to his folks, too and I mean, I live with mine, they know mostly everything.  It was what he said his mom said that bugged me.....and of course I wasn't there, so I don't really know the full situation or how the comment was expressed.  He said this his mom said, "Oh wow, this is really forward.  Her mom wants to make you a part of the family now."


The thing is this, I tell my parents EVERYTHING.  There is no formality between us.  This doesn't mean that I disrespect them, but I was raised to feel.  To have emotions.  To show them.  To discuss my life and ALL of my life: the good, the bad, the ugly.  Crush was raised differently.  I don't use differently as a bad word here.  He simply cannot show his feelings openly with his family.  I have witnessed this on several occasions.  At the dinner table, they talk about how their food tastes and not their lives. They are formal in some ways and this again is just different because at my dinner table, you can let it all hang out.  

Who he is with me, isn't who he is with his family.  With me, he is silly, open, emotional, raw, and untapped.  He tells me I bring out his inner-child.  It is perhaps the best compliment ever.  He acted very relaxed with my family.  I was happy about that.  My parents are easy to get along with and very kind.  Their best quality is their realness.

I asked Crush last night if his mom knew that he sent my mom a card declaring his love for me back in December and he said, "no."  I reminded him that out of context, my mom's card would have seemed totally strange, but he sent the love card first and he agreed.  On his own, he said, "You are right, I left out a huge part of the story to my mom.  I will fill in the gaps for her. Thank you for continuing to make me a better person and more self aware.  You are much better with people than I am.  I am trying to be open with my parents because I love them so much, there is just this invisible wall up.  When we have kids one day, I want them to feel open with us like you do with your parents.  I admire your family."

The dream was a wake up call to me.  I need to chill out.  It doesn't always have to be MY way or the highway.  It is time to start making things OUR way.

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